Hys Fyve Rules.
"My First--but don't suppose," he said,
"I'm setting you a riddle--
Is--if your Victim be in bed,
Don't touch the curtains at his head,
But take them in the middle,
"And wave them slowly in and out,
While drawing them asunder;
And in a minute's time, no doubt,
He'll raise his head and look about
With eyes of wrath and wonder.
"And here you must on no pretence
Make the first observation.
Wait for the Victim to commence:
No Ghost of any common sense
Begins a conversation.
[Illustration]
"If he should say '_How came you here?_'
(The way that _you_ began, Sir,)
In such a case your course is clear--
'_On the bat's back, my little dear!_'
Is the appropriate answer.
"If after this he says no more,
You'd best perhaps curtail your
Exertions--go and shake the door,
And then, if he begins to snore,
You'll know the thing's a failure.
"By day, if he should be alone--
At home or on a walk--
You merely give a hollow groan,
To indicate the kind of tone
In which you mean to talk.
"But if you find him with his friends,
The thing is rather harder.
In such a case success depends
On picking up some candle-ends,
Or butter, in the larder.
"With this you make a kind of slide
(It answers best with suet),
On which you must contrive to glide,
And swing yourself from side to side--
One soon learns how to do it.
"The Second tells us what is right
In ceremonious calls:--
'_First burn a blue or crimson light_'
(A thing I quite forgot to-night),
'_Then scratch the door or walls._'"
[Illustration: "AND SWING YOURSELF FROM SIDE TO SIDE"]
I said "You'll visit _here_ no more,
If you attempt the Guy.
I'll have no bonfires on _my_ floor--
And, as for scratching at the door,
I'd like to see you try!"
"The Third was written to protect
The interests of the Victim,
And tells us, as I recollect,
_To treat him with a grave respect,
And not to contradict him_."
"That's plain," said I, "as Tare and Tret,
To any comprehension:
I only wish _some_ Ghosts I've met
Would not so _constantly_ forget
The maxim that you mention!"
"Perhaps," he said, "_you_ first transgressed
The laws of hospitality:
All Ghosts instinctively detest
The Man that fails to treat his guest
With proper cordiality.
[Illustration]
"If you address a Ghost as 'Thing!'
Or strike him with a hatchet,
He is permitted by the King
To drop all _formal_ parleying--
And then you're _sure_ to catch it!
"The Fourth prohibits trespassing
Where other Ghosts are quartered:
And those convicted of the thing
(Unless when pardoned by the King)
Must instantly be slaughtered.
"That simply means 'be cut up small':
Ghosts soon unite anew:
The process scarcely hurts at all--
Not more than when _you're_ what you call
'Cut up' by a Review.
"The Fifth is one you may prefer
That I should quote entire:--
_The King must be addressed as 'Sir.'
This, from a simple courtier,
Is all the Laws require_:
"_But, should you wish to do the thing
With out-and-out politeness,
Accost him as 'My Goblin King!'
And always use, in answering,
The phrase 'Your Royal Whiteness!'_
"I'm getting rather hoarse, I fear,
After so much reciting:
So, if you don't object, my dear,
We'll try a glass of bitter beer--
I think it looks inviting."
[Illustration]