to repose me they dragged me into a gaol; for the reader would not
believe me if I said they buried me in a hole. And yet that is so true
that in one pirouette I visited the whole of it. In fine, anyone who
saw me there would have taken me for a lighted candle under a chimney.
Before my gaoler threw me into this cavern I said:
"If you give me this stony garment as a suit it is too large, but if as
a grave it is too narrow. There the days can only be counted by nights
and of my five senses only two are left me, smell and touch; one to let
me smell the stinks of my prison and the other to make it palpable.
Truly, I confess to you, I should think I were damned if I did not
know that there are no innocent folk in hell."
At the word "innocent" the gaoler burst out laughing. "Faith!" said he,
"you are one of our people, I see. I have never had anyone under lock
and key who was not innocent."
After other compliments of this nature the fellow took the trouble
to search me, I know not for what purpose, but from the diligence he
displayed in it I conjecture it was for my own good. His researches
were fruitless, because I had slipped my gold into my boots during
the battle of _Diabolas_, but when after a very close examination he
remained with hands as empty as before, I was as near dying of fear as
he of despite.
"Ho! Body o' me!" cried he, foaming at the mouth, "I saw he was a
warlock at first glance, he is penniless as the devil. Away, comrade,
take good heed to your conscience."
He had scarcely finished these words when I heard the peal of a bunch
of keys from which he was selecting those of my cell. His back was
turned and so, for fear he should avenge himself on me for the failure
of his search, I nimbly drew three _pistoles_ from their hiding-place,
and said to him:
"Master Gaoler, here is a _pistole_; I pray you bring me some food, for
I have had nothing to eat for eleven hours."
He received it most graciously and vowed that my misfortune touched his
heart. When I saw I had softened his bosom I went on:
"And here is another to compensate for the trouble I am ashamed of
giving you."
He opened his ears, his heart and his hand; and, counting him out
three instead of two, I added that by the third I begged him to send
one of his men to keep me company, because the unhappy are bound to
dread solitude. Ravished by my prodigality, he promised me everything,
embraced my knees, declaimed against the Law, said he perceived now I
had enemies, but that I should come out of it all with honour, that I
should keep up my courage and, in short, he pledged himself I should
be free before three days had passed. I thanked him most gravely for
his courtesy and, after he had nearly strangled me with a thousand
embraces, this dear friend locked and double-locked the door.
I remained alone and very melancholy, my body hunched up on a bundle
of crumbled straw, which was not yet so small but that more than fifty
rats were still gnawing it. The roof, the walls and the floor were
composed of six tombstones so that, having death above, beneath and
about me, I might be in no doubt of my interment. The cold slime of
slugs and the sticky venom of toads dripped on to my face; the lice had
teeth longer than their bodies. I saw myself tormented by the stone,
which though external was none the less painful. In fine, I think I
needed only a wife and a broken pot to play the part of Job.
Nevertheless I overcame there the duration of two very difficult hours
when the noise of twelve dozen keys added to that of the bolts on my
door drew me from the consideration of my miseries. Following upon this
clatter a stalwart knave appeared in the light of a lamp. He set down
an earthen pot between my legs.
"There, there!" said he, "comfort yourself, that's cabbage soup, and
when it is ... in sooth 'tis our good dame's own soup; and faith!
there's not a drop of fat lost, as they say."
So speaking he thrust his five fingers down to the bottom of the pot
to invite me to do likewise. I laboured after his example, for fear of
discontenting him, and with a joyful eye--
"_Morguiene!_" cried he, "you are a lad of mettle! They say you have
detractors, _jerniguay!_ they are traitors; ay, _testiguay!_ they are
traitors. Hey! Let them come and see. Well, well, so it is, dancers
always move."
This rusticity filled my throat twice or thrice with laughter, but I
was fortunate enough to choke it back. I saw that Fortune seemed to
offer me a chance of freedom through this clodhopper and therefore
it seemed to me very necessary to cultivate his favour; for, as to
escaping by other means--the architect who built my prison made several
entrances but forgot to make a way out. These divers considerations led
me to sound him as follows:
"My dear friend, you are poor, are you not?"
"Alas! sir", the clown replied, "if you came from the fortune-teller's
you could not hit the mark more surely."
"Here, then", I went on, "take this _pistole_."
I found his hand so trembled, when I put the _pistole_ in it, that
he could scarce shut it. This beginning seemed to me of evil omen,
but I soon discovered from the fervour of his thanks that he was only
trembling with joy, and therefore I went on:
"If you were the man to share in the accomplishment of a vow I have
made, twenty _pistoles_ (as well as your soul's salvation) would be
as much yours as your hat; for you must know that about a quarter of
an hour since, just before you arrived, an angel appeared to me and
promised to make known the justice of my cause, provided that I go
to-morrow to have Mass said for Our Lady of this town at the high
altar. I tried to excuse myself because I am too narrowly warded,
but the angel answered that there would come to me a man, sent by
the gaoler to keep me company, and I had only to bid this man in the
angel's name convey me to church and bring me back to prison; I am to
warn him to be secret and to obey without question on pain of dying
within the year; and if he doubts my word I am to tell him for a token
that he is a Member of the Scapulary." The reader must be informed that
I had noticed a scapulary through the opening of his shirt and this at
once suggested to me the whole fabric of the apparition.
"Ay, ay, master", said he, "I'll do what the angel bids us, but it must
be nine o'clock, because our gaffer will be at Toulouse then for the
betrothal of his son to the daughter of the hangman. Marry, the hangman
has a name as well as a louse; they say her father will give her crowns
enough for a king's ransom for her wedding. She's rich and beautiful,
but such bits never fall to a poor man. Alas, good master, you must
know...."
I failed not to cut him short at this point; for by this induction
I foresaw a long series of cock-and-bull stories. Well, when we had
worked out our plot, the knave took leave of me. Next morning he was
there to disinter me precisely at the hour promised. I left my clothes
in the prison and wrapped myself in rags; we had agreed upon this the
night before as a means of disguise. As soon as we were in the air I
did not forget to count him out his twenty _pistoles_. He looked at
them hard, with his eyes almost starting.
"They are gold and unclipped", said I, "on my word."
"Hey, sir", he replied, "'tisn't of that I'm thinking, but I'm thinking
big Macé's house is for sale, with the meadow and the vineyard. I can
get it for two hundred _francs_, but it will take a week to knock up
the bargain and I beseech you, good master, if it is your will and
pleasure, not to let your _pistoles_ change into oak leaves until big
Macé holds them well and truly counted in his chest."
The knave's rusticity made me laugh. However, we continued on our way
to church and soon arrived there. Some time afterwards High Mass began,
but as soon as I saw my gaoler rise in his turn for the offertory,
I traversed the nave in three steps and in as many more nimbly lost
myself in an unfrequented alley. Out of the many thoughts which then
agitated my mind I chose that of reaching Toulouse, from which this
town was only half a league distant, with the purpose of taking post.
I soon reached the suburbs; but I was so ashamed to see that everyone
was looking at me that I was put out of countenance. Their astonishment
was caused by my appearance; for I was but a novice in beggary and my
rags were arranged so fantastically, my gait was so unsuitable to my
clothes, that I seemed rather a masquer than a beggar, and in addition
I passed people quickly, with my eyes on the ground, asking no alms.
Finally I realised that to be the object of so general a curiosity
exposed me to dangerous consequences and, overcoming my repugnance,
I held out my hand as soon as I perceived someone looking at me. I
even besought the charity of those who did not look at me; but observe
how often by adding too many precautions to a plan in which Fortune
will have her share we ruin it by irritating her vanity. I make this
reflection on my adventure here; for seeing a man dressed as a small
shopkeeper with his back turned to me, I said to him as I plucked his
sleeve:
"Sir, if compassion can touch...."
I had not begun the word which was to follow when the man turned his
head. Gods! How he changed! And O ye Gods, how I changed! The man was
my gaoler. We were both struck with amazement to see each other where
we were. I was the sole object of his eyes, he filled the whole of my
sight. Finally our own interests, although so different, drew us both
from the surprise into which we were plunged.
"Ah! Wretch that I am", cried the gaoler, "shall I be caught thus?"
This ambiguous word "caught" immediately suggested to me the following
stratagem:
"Help, gentlemen, help in the name of the Law!" cried I as loud as
I could screech. "This thief has stolen the Countess of Mousseaux's
jewels--I have been seeking him a year. Gentlemen", I continued warmly,
"a hundred _pistoles_ to the man who arrests him!"
I had scarcely uttered these words ere a party of the mob fell upon
the poor amazed devil. The astonishment into which he was cast by my
impudence, joined with his supposition that I could only have escaped
from my cell by penetrating the unbroken wall like a hand of glory, so
staggered him that for a time he was beyond himself. At last he came to
himself and the first words he used to disabuse the crowd were to take
care not to mistake he was a man of honour. He was undoubtedly about
to reveal the mystery, but a dozen fruit-women, lackeys and chairmen,
desirous to serve me for my money, closed his mouth with their punches.
And as they supposed their reward would be measured out according to
the extent they outraged this poor dupe, each pressed in to earn it
with foot or hand.
"Hear the man of honour!" howled the mob, "yet he could not prevent
himself from saying he was caught, as soon as he saw the gentleman."
The cream of the comedy was that my gaoler was in his best clothes,
he was ashamed to admit he was the Hangman's assistant and was afraid
he would be worse beaten if he admitted it. For my part I took to my
heels during the hottest of the scuffle. I entrusted my safety to my
legs and they would soon have brought me off happily but, unluckily,
the looks which everybody once more turned on me, threw me afresh into
my former fears. If the sight of a hundred rags, which danced around
me like a maypole-dance of the rabble, caused some gaper to stare at
me, straightway I apprehended that he read upon my forehead that I was
a prisoner at large. If a saunterer put out his hand from beneath his
cloak, I imagined a catchpole stretching out his hand to arrest me. If
I noticed another striding along without lifting his eyes upon me I was
convinced he was pretending not to see me in order to grasp me from the
rear. If I saw a tradesman enter his shop I said: "He is taking down
his halberd." If I passed through a district more crowded than usual
I thought, "So many people have not met here without a purpose." If
another part was deserted, "They are watching for me here." Was there
some impediment to my flight, "They have barricaded the streets to
surround me." At last my fear debauched my reason and I imagined every
man was an archer, every word "arrest" and every noise the unendurable
creaking of the bolts in my late prison.
Hag-ridden by this panic terror I resolved to beg once more, in order
to pass through the remainder of the town to the posting station
without suspicion, but as I feared my voice might be recognized, I
added to the exercise of begging the device of counterfeiting dumbness.
I therefore went up to those who, as I perceived, were looking at me;
then I pointed a finger above my chin, then above my mouth and gaped
it wide with an inarticulate cry to make it understood by my grimace
that a poor mute was asking alms. Sometimes I was charitably given an
eleemosynary shrug; sometimes I felt some oddment thrust into my hand;
and sometimes I heard women say that it might well be that I had been
martyrized in this way in Turkey. In short I learned that begging is a
large book which teaches us the manners of people far more cheaply than
all those great voyages of Columbus and Magellan.
This device nevertheless failed to weary the obstinacy of my fate or
to win over its evil disposition; yet what other course could I adopt?
For, in crossing a town like Toulouse, where my engraving had made me
familiar even to the fish-wives, dressed as I was in rags as motley
as Harlequin's, was it not probable that I should be observed and
immediately recognized? And that the counter-spell to this danger was
to play the beggar, whose part is played by all manner of faces? And
even if this ruse were not devised with all the necessary caution, I
still think that amid so many unhappy circumstances I showed strong
judgment by not losing my head entirely.
I continued thus on my way when on a sudden I found myself obliged to
return on my steps; for my venerable gaoler, with some dozen archers
of his acquaintance, who had delivered him from the hands of the
rabble, were up in arms and patrolling the whole town in search of
me, and unhappily crossed my path. As soon as they saw me with their
lynx eyes with one accord they rushed upon me full speed and I fled
away at the top of mine. I was so sharply pursued that every moment my
liberty felt at my neck the breath of the tyrants who would oppress
it; but it seemed the air they puffed out as they ran behind me blew
me before them. At last Heaven or fear gave me a space of four or five
turnings in front of them. My pursuers lost track and scent of me and
I lost the sight and turmoil of this troublesome chase. Certainly
those who have not experienced similar agonies at first hand will
hardly understand with what joy I trembled when I found I had escaped.
But since my safety demanded all my attention, I resolved to employ
most carefully the time which would elapse before they caught up with
me. I daubed my face, rubbed my hair with dust, put off my doublet,
loosened my breeches, threw my hat in a ventilator; then I spread out
my handkerchief on the pavement with a little stone at each corner,
like those who are sick of the plague, lay beside it with my belly on
the ground and began to groan very grievously in a piteous tone. I
had scarcely done this when I heard the noise of this hoarse-throated
populace long before the sound of their feet; but I had enough
self-control to remain in the same position in the hope of not being
recognized; in this I was not deceived, for they all took me to be
plague-smitten and passed me very nimbly, holding their noses and most
of them throwing a farthing into my handkerchief.
The storm over, I went down an alley, put on my clothes again and
abandoned myself to Fortune once more, but I had run so hard she
was weary of following me. I suppose this was the case: the glorious
Goddess was not accustomed to walk so quickly, and as I went through
squares and crossroads, through and across streets, to conceal my way
the better, she let me fall blindly into the hands of the archers who
were pursuing me. At meeting me they uttered so furious a yell that I
was deafened. They seemed to think they had not enough arms to arrest
me, so they used their teeth and even then were not sure they had me;
one dragged me along by the hair, another by the collar, while the more
temperate went through my pockets. This search was more successful than
that in the prison; they found the rest of my gold.
While these charitable physicians were occupied in curing the dropsy
of my purse, a great clamour arose; the whole square echoed with the
words "Kill, kill!" and at the same time I saw the glitter of swords.
The gentlemen who were haling me along exclaimed that these were the
Grand Provost's archers who wanted to rob them of their prey. "But",
said they to me, dragging me harder than ever, "beware of falling into
their hands, you will be condemned in twenty-four hours and the King
himself cannot save you." At last, however, they grew apprehensive as
the scuffle involved them and they abandoned me so completely that I
was standing alone in the middle of the street while the aggressors
dispatched everyone they met.
I leave you to imagine whether I took to my heels, I who had reason
to fear both parties equally. In a little time I drew away from the
hubbub, but as I was asking the way to the posting station, a torrent
of people running from the brawl dashed into my street. I was unable
to resist the crowd, so I went with it, and growing angry at so much
running I reached at length a small very dark door into which I rushed
pell-mell with other fugitives. We bolted it behind us and when
everyone had recovered breath one of the group said:
"Comrades, if you will take my advice, we shall go through the two
gates and hold firm in the prison-yard."
These terrible words hit my ears with so astounding a pain that I
thought I should fall dead on the spot. Alas! I perceived immediately,
but too late, that instead of escaping to a refuge as I had thought, I
had merely cast myself into prison, so impossible is it for any man to
escape the influence of his star. I looked at this man more attentively
and I saw he was one of the archers who had so long pursued me. A
cold sweat rose to my forehead and I became pale and ready to swoon.
Those who saw me so ill were moved by compassion and called for water;
everyone drew near to help me, unhappily that accursed archer was one
of the first and he no sooner cast his eyes upon me than he recognised
me. He made a sign to his companions and at the same time greeted me
with a "I take you prisoner in the King's name." They had not far to go
to my cell.
I remained in the lower prison until evening, when each of the warders,
one after the other, by means of an exact and critical examination
of all the parts of my face drew my picture on the canvas of his
memory.[56]
[Footnote 56: Mr Pickwick in the Fleet, "sitting for his portrait"!]
As seven o'clock struck, the noise of a bunch of keys gave the signal
for bed. I was asked if I wished to be shown into the one-pistole room;
I replied with a nod. "The money then!" replied my guide. I knew I
was in a place where I should have to swallow many more insults. I
therefore prayed him, if his courtesy could not bring him to trust me
until the morning, to ask the gaoler from me to return the money which
had been taken from me.
"Ho! By my faith", responded the rascal, "our master has a stout heart,
he never returns anything. Do you think your lovely nose.... Hey, off
with you, into the black dungeons!"
With these words he showed me the way with a savage blow from his bunch
of keys, whose weight overthrew me and tumbled me from top to bottom of
a dark flight of stairs down to the foot of a door which stopped me; I
should not have known it was one without the sparks from the shock with
which I struck it, for I had lost my eyes, they remained at the top of
the stairs in the shape of a candle held twenty-four steps above me
by my hangman of a warder. This man came down gradually, opened some
thirty large locks, undid as many bolts, pushed the door a little and
with a blow of his knee hurled me into this hole, whose horrors I had
not time to see, he closed the door so quickly. I was standing in mud
up to the knees. If I tried to reach the side I sank up to the waist.
The awful croaking of frogs as they squatted in the mud made me long to
be deaf; I felt lizards wandering along my thighs and snakes twining
about my neck; I perceived one by the sombre glow of its glinting
eye-balls darting a three-pronged tongue from its venom-blackened
throat, while its brusque movement made it seem like a thunderbolt with
the look of the eyes for the flash.
I am completely unable to express the remainder; it surpasses all
belief and I dare not attempt to recollect it, so much do I fear that
my present certainty of having escaped this prison may turn out to be
a dream from which I shall awake. The hand on the dial of the great
tower pointed to ten before anyone knocked at my tomb, but about that
time when the anguish of a bitter grief began to grip my heart and to
disturb that equilibrium which makes life, I heard a voice bidding me
grasp a rod that was held out to me. After groping for some time in
obscurity to find it I touched the end, grasped it with emotion, and my
gaoler, pulling it towards him, fished me out of the bog. I suspected
my affairs had taken a turn for the better, because he offered me
profound civilities, only spoke to me with his head uncovered and told
me that five or six people of quality were waiting in the courtyard
to see me. This savage brute who had shut me in the dungeon I have
described had the impudence to accost me. Having kissed my hands, with
one knee on the ground, he plucked out with one paw a quantity of slugs
which had stuck in my hair and with the other he pulled off a great
heap of leeches which masked my face. After this exquisite courtesy he
said:
"You will at least remember, good master, the care and trouble taken of
you by fat Nicholas. Pardi, even if it had been for the King, it isn't
to be grudged you."
Enraged by the rogue's effrontery, I made a sign that I would remember.
By a thousand terrifying windings I reached the light at last and then
the courtyard, where as soon as I entered I was grasped by two men I
could not recognize, because they threw themselves on me at once and
each kept his face pressed against mine. For some time I did not know
who they were, but when their transports of friendship were a little
abated I recognised my dear Colignac and the brave Marquis. Colignac
had his arm in a sling and Cussan was the first to emerge from his
ecstasy.
"Alas!" said he, "we should never have suspected such a disaster, had
it not been for your horse and the mule which arrived last night at
the gates of my house; their breast-pieces, their saddle, girths and
their cruppers were all broken, which made us anticipate something of
your misfortune. We got to horse at once and had ridden but two or
three leagues towards Colignac, when the whole countryside, alarmed
by the accident, described to us what had happened. We galloped off
immediately to the town where you were imprisoned, but learning there
that you had escaped and hearing a rumour that you had gone in the
direction of Toulouse, we came on at full speed with the servants we
had with us. The first person whom we asked for news of you said you
had been recaptured. We turned our horses towards this prison, but
other people assured us you had vanished from the hands of the police.
And as we pushed on we heard the bourgeois relating to each other the
story that you had become invisible. At length by continually making
inquiries we learned that after you had been taken, lost and retaken
I know not how many times, you were being carried to prison in the
Large Tower. We intercepted your archers and with a good fortune more
apparent than real we met them, attacked them, fought them and put them
to flight, but we failed to learn even from the wounded we had captured
what had become of you, until this morning, when we were informed that
you had blindly come to prison of your own accord for safety. Colignac
is wounded in several places, but very slightly. For the rest, we have
arranged for you to be lodged in the best room here. Since you like
fresh air we have furnished a little room for you alone at the top of
the Large Tower, where the terrace will serve you as a balcony; your
eyes at least will be at liberty, in spite of the body which confines
them."