MERLE'S LAST EVENING AT HOME.
"So it is all settled, Merle."
"Yes, Aunt Agatha," I returned, briskly, for she spoke in a lugubrious
voice, and as one sad face is enough beside the family hearth, I assumed
a tolerably cheerful aspect. If only Aunt Agatha's eyes would not look
at me so tenderly!
"Poor child!" she sighed; and then, as I remained silent, she continued
in a few minutes, "I wish I could reconcile myself more to the idea, but
I cannot help feeling a presentiment that you will live to repent this
strange step you are taking."
I found this speech a little damping, but I bore it without flinching.
One can never set out down some new road without a few friendly missiles
flying about one's ears. "Remember, I told you such and such a thing
would happen if you did not take my advice. I am only warning you for
your good." Alas! that one's dearest friend should be transformed into a
teasing gad-fly! What can one do but go straight across the enemy's
country when the boats are destroyed behind one? I always did think that
a grand action on Xenophon's part.
"You have not given me your opinion of my new mistress," was my wicked
rejoinder.
Aunt Agatha drew herself up at this and put on her grandest manner. "You
need not go out of your way to vex me, Merle. I am sufficiently
humiliated without that."
"Aunt Agatha," I remonstrated; for this was too much for my forbearance,
"do you think I would do anything to vex you when we are to part in a
few days? Oh, you dear, silly woman!" for she was actually crying, "I am
only longing to know what you think of Mrs. Morton."
"She is perfectly lovely, Merle," she returned, drying her eyes, as I
kissed and coaxed her. "I very nearly fell in love with her myself. I
liked the simple way in which she sat down and talked to me about my old
pupils, making herself quite at home in our little drawing-room, and I
was much pleased with her manner when she spoke about you; it was almost
a pity you came into the room just then."
"I left you alone for nearly half an hour; please to remember that."
"Indeed! it did not seem nearly so long. Half an hour! and it passed so
quickly, too. Well, I must say Mrs. Morton is a most interesting woman;
she is full of intelligence, and yet so gentle. She has lost her
baby--did she tell you that? only four months ago, and her husband does
not like her to wear mourning. She is a devoted wife, I can see that,
but I have a notion that you will have some difficulty in satisfying Mr.
Morton; he is very particular and hard to please."
"I have found out that for myself; he is a man of strong prejudices."
"Well, you must do your best to conciliate him; tact goes a long way in
these cases. Mrs. Morton has evidently taken a fancy to you, Merle. She
told me over again how her baby boy had made friends with you at once;
she said your manner was very frank and winning, and though you looked
young you seemed very staid and self-reliant."
"I wish Uncle Keith had heard that. Did she say any more about me, Aunt
Agatha?"
"No, you interrupted us at that point, and the conversation became more
general; but, my dear, I must scold you about one thing: how absurd you
were to insist on wearing caps. Mrs. Morton was quite embarrassed; she
said she would never have mentioned such a thing."
"But I have set my heart on wearing them, Aunt Agatha," I returned, very
quickly; "you have no idea how nice I shall look in a neat bib apron
over my dark print gown, and a regular cap such as hospital nurses wear.
I should be quite disappointed if I did not carry out that part of my
programme; the only thing that troubles me is the smallness of my
salary--I mean wages. Thirty pounds a year will never make my fortune."
"You cannot ask more with a good conscience, Merle; you have never been
out before, and have no experience. Mrs. Morton said herself that her
husband had promised to raise it at the end of six months if you proved
yourself competent; it is quite as much as a nursery governess's
salary."
"Oh, I am not mercenary," I replied, hastily, "and I shall save out of
thirty pounds a year. I must keep a nice dress for my home visits and
for Sundays, though it is dreadful to think that I shall not always go
to church every Sunday until little Joyce is older; that will be a sad
deprivation."
"Yes, my poor child, but you must not speak as though this were the only
serious drawback; you will find plenty of difficulties in your position;
even Mrs. Morton confessed that."
"The world is full of difficulties," I returned, loftily; "there have
been thorns and briars ever since Adam's time. Do you remember your
favourite fable of the old man and the bundle of sticks, Aunt Agatha? I
mean to treat my difficulties in the same way he managed his. I shall
break each stick singly."
She smiled approvingly at this, and then, as Uncle Keith's knock reached
her ear, she rose quickly and went out of the room.
The moment I was left alone my assumed briskness of manner dropped into
the mental dishabille that we wear for our own private use and comfort.
Those two had always so much to say to each other that I was sure of at
least half an hour's solitude, and in some moods self is the finest
company. Yes, I had destroyed my boats, and now my motto must be
"Forward!" This afternoon I had pledged myself to a new service--a
service of self-renunciation and patient labour, undertaken--yes, I dare
to say it--for the welfare of the large sisterhood of waiting and
working women. A servant? No, a soldier; for I should be one among the
vanguard, who strive to make a breach in the great fortress of
conventionality. Not that I feared the word service, considering what
Divine lips had said on that subject--"I am among you as one who
serveth--" but I knew how the world shrank from such terms.
I have always maintained that half the so-called difficulties of life
consist mainly in our dread of other people's opinions; women are
especially trammelled by this bondage. They breathe the atmosphere of
their own special world, and the chill wind of popular opinion blows
coldly over them; like the sensitive plant, they shiver and wither up at
a touch. I believe the master minds that achieve great things have
created their own atmosphere, else how can they appear so impervious to
criticism? How can they carry themselves so calmly, when their
contemporaries are sneering round them? We must live above ourselves and
each other; there is no other way of getting rid of the shams and
disguises of life; and yet how is one who has been born in slavery to be
absolutely true? How is an English gentlewoman to shake off the
prejudices of caste and declare herself free?
Ah, well! this was the enigma I had set myself to solve. And now the old
life--the protected girl's life--was receding from me; the old guards,
the old landmarks were to be removed by my own hands. Should I live to
repent my rash act, as Aunt Agatha predicted, or should I at some future
time, when I looked back upon this wintry day, thank God, humbly and
with tears of gratitude, that I had courage given me to see the right
and do it, "ad finem fidelis," faithful to the last?
* * * * *
I found those last few days of home-life singularly trying. Indeed, I am
not sure that I was not distinctly grateful when the final evening
arrived. When one has to perform a painful duty there is no use in
lingering over it; and when one is secretly troubled, a spoken and too
discursive sympathy only irritates our mental membrane. How could Job,
for example, tolerate the sackcloth and ashes, and, worse still, the
combative eloquence of his friends?
Aunt Agatha's pathetic looks and pitying words fretted me to the very
verge of endurance. I wished she would have been less mindful of my
comforts, that she would not have insisted on helping me with my sewing,
and loading me with little surprises in the shape of gifts. But for the
bitter cold that kept me an unwilling prisoner by the fireside, I would
have escaped into my own room to avoid the looks that seemed to follow
me everywhere.
But I would not yield to my inward irritability; I hummed a tune; I even
sang to myself, as I hemmed my new bib aprons, or quilled the neat
border for my cap. Nay, I became recklessly gay the last night, and
dressed myself in what I termed my nurse's uniform, a dark-navy blue
cambric, and then went down to show myself to Uncle Keith, who was
reading aloud the paper to Aunt Agatha. I could see him start as I
entered; but Aunt Agatha's first words made me blush, and in a moment I
repented my misplaced spirit of fun.
"Why, Merle, how pretty you look! Does not the child look almost pretty,
Ezra, though that cap does hide her nice smooth hair? I had no idea that
dress would be so becoming." But the rest of Aunt Agatha's speech was
lost upon me, for I ran out of the room. Why, they seemed actually to
believe that I was play-acting, that my part was a becoming one! Pretty,
indeed! And here such a strange revulsion of feeling took possession of
me that I absolutely shed a few tears, though none but myself was
witness to this humiliating fact.
I did not go downstairs for a long time after that, and then, to my
relief, I found Uncle Keith alone; for men are less sharp in some
matters than women, and he would never find out that I had been crying,
as Aunt Agatha would; but I was a little taken aback when he put down
his paper, and asked, in a kind voice, why I had stayed so long in the
cold, and if I had not finished my packing.
"Oh, yes," I returned, promptly, "everything was done, and my trunk was
only waiting to be strapped down."
"That is right," he said, quite heartily, "always be beforehand with
your duties, Merle; your aunt tells me you have made up your mind to
leave us in the morning. I should have thought the afternoon or early
evening would have been better."
"Oh, no, Uncle Keith," I exclaimed, and then, oddly enough, I began to
laugh, and yet the provoking tears would come to my eyes, for a vision
of sundry school domestics arriving towards night with their goods and
chattels, and the remembrance of their shy faces in the morning light
seemed to evoke a sort of dreary mirth; but to my infinite surprise and
embarrassment, Uncle Keith patted me on the shoulder as though I were a
child.
"There, there; never mind showing a bit of natural feeling that does you
credit; your aunt is fretting herself to death over losing
you--Hir-rumph; and I do not mind owning that the house will be a trifle
dull without you; and, of course, a young creature like you must feel
it, too." And with that he took my hands, awkwardly enough, and began
warming them in his own, for they were blue with cold. If Aunt Agatha
had only seen him doing it, and me, with the babyish tears running down
my face.
"Why, look here," continued Uncle Keith, cheerily, with a sort of
cricket-like chirp, "we are all as down as possible, just because you
are leaving us, and yet you will only be two or three miles away, and
any day if you want us we can be with you. Why, there is no difficulty,
really; you are trying your little experiment, and I will say you are a
brave girl for venturing on such a brave scheme. Well, if it does not
answer, here is your home, and your own corner by the fireside, and an
old uncle ready to work for you. I can't say more than that, Merle."
"Oh, Uncle Keith," I returned, sobbing remorsefully, "why are you so
good to me, when I have always been so ungrateful for your kindness?"
"Nay, nay, we will leave bygones alone," he answered, a little huskily.
"I never minded your tandrums, knowing there was a good heart at the
bottom. I only wished I was not such a dry old fellow, and that you
could have been fonder of me. Perhaps you will understand me better some
day, and----" Here he stopped and cleared his throat, and said
"hir-rumph" once or twice, and then I felt a thin crackling bit of paper
underneath my palm. "It will buy you something useful, my dear," he
finished, getting up in a hurry. A five-pound note, and he had lost so
much money and had to do without so many comforts! Who can wonder that I
jumped up and gave him a penitent hug.
It was long before I slept that night, and my first waking thoughts the
next morning were hardly as pleasant as usual. A premonitory symptom of
homesickness seized me as I glanced round my little room in the dim,
winter light. Aunt Agatha had made it so pretty; but here a certain
suspicious moisture stole under my eyelids, and I gave myself a resolute
shake, and commenced my toilet in a business-like way that chased away
gloomy thoughts.
Never had the little dining-room looked more inviting than when I
entered it that morning. One of Uncle Keith's carefully hoarded logs
blazed and crackled in the roomy fireplace, a delicious aroma of coffee
and smoking ham pervaded the room. Aunt Agatha, in her pretty morning
cap, was placing a vase of hothouse flowers some old pupil had sent her
in the centre of the table, and the bullfinch was whistling as merrily
as ever, while old Tom watched him, sleepily, from the rug. I was rather
long warming my hands and stroking his sleek fur, for somehow I could
not bring myself to look or speak in quite my ordinary manner; and
though Uncle Keith did his best to enliven us by reading out scraps from
his newspaper, I am afraid we gave him only a partial attention. When
Uncle Keith had bade me a husky good-bye, and had gone to his office,
Aunt Agatha and I made a grand feint of being busy. There was very
little to do, really, but I considered it incumbent to be in a great
state of activity. I am afraid to say how many times I ran up and down
stairs for articles that were safely deposited at the bottom of my box.
Aunt Agatha put a stop to it at last by taking my hand and putting me
forcibly in Uncle Keith's big chair.
"Sit there and keep warm, Merle; the cab will not be here for another
half hour; what is the use of our pretending that we are not exceedingly
unhappy? My dear, you are leaving us with a sore heart, I can see that,
and it only makes me love you all the better. Yes, indeed, Merle," for I
was clinging to her now and sobbing softly under my breath; "and however
things may turn out, whether this step be a failure or not, I will
always say that you are a brave girl, who tried to do her duty."
"Are you sure you think that, Aunt Agatha?"
Then she smiled to herself a little sadly.
"You remind me of the baby Merle who was so anxious to help everyone. I
remember you such a little creature, trying to lift the nursery chair,
because your mother was tired; and how you dragged it across the room
until you were red in the face, and came to me rubbing your little fat
hands, and looking so important. 'The chair hurted baby drefful, but it
might hurted poor mammy worser:' that was what you said. I think you
would still hurt yourself 'drefful' if you could help someone else."
It was nice to hear this. What can be sweeter or less harmful than
praise from one we love? It was nice to sit there with Aunt Agatha's
soft hand in mine, and be petted. It would be long before I should have
a cosy time with her again. It put fresh heart in me somehow; like
Jonathan's taste of honey, "it lightened my eyes," so that when the
final good-bye came, I could smile as I said it, and carry away an
impression of Aunt Agatha's smile too, as she stood on the steps, with
Patience behind her, watching until I was out of sight. I am afraid I am
different to most young women of my age--more imaginative, and perhaps a
little morbid. Many things in everyday life came to me in the guise of
symbols or signs--a good-bye, for example. A parting even for a short
time always appears to me a faint type of that last solemn parting when
we bid good-bye to temporal things. I suppose kind eyes will watch us
then, kind hands clasp ours; as we start on that long journey they will
bid God help us, as with failing breath and, perhaps, some natural
longings for the friends we love, we go out into the great unknown,
waiting until a Diviner Guide take us by the hand. "God help you, poor
soul," we seem to hear them say, and perhaps we hear the drip of their
tears as they say it; but in that other room, who can tell how gently
those human drops will be wiped away, in that place where pain and
trouble are unknown?
(_To be continued._)
ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.
MISCELLANEOUS.
IMPERIUM ET LIBERTAS.--There is no question of etiquette in the matter
of the Highland friends of the bridegroom appearing at the wedding in
their national costume. It is only a matter for their own decision and
their friends' permission.
V. D. V.--You were exceedingly wrong in taking walks with any man
without your parents' permission, and you degraded yourself by enlisting
the aid of a servant to get letters from him unknown to them, and so led
her to do wrong and to act in an untrustworthy way to her master and
mistress. You ought to tell her that you regret having so done, and will
do so no more.
A DEVONSHIRE DUMPLING says: "I would rather not drink vinegar or raw
lemon-juice, if you do not mind, please." Dear little reader, pray do
not feel uneasy on that score; nothing is further from our wishes! If
your health be so good, leave yourself and your wholesome fat alone. If
out of health, the case is otherwise. Dropsical puffing should be
prescribed for by a doctor.
ROSS-SHIRE LASSIE.--The 5th October, 1869, was a Tuesday; the 25th
March, 1865, was a Saturday.
LILY.--The passage you quote may mean that the blessed ones who have
attained to perfect purity in the kingdom of their Father above were
greater than the greatest still on earth.
A LIVELY GIRL is not likely to "get too stout." She inquires, "What is
the best kind of a _fiancé_ to have?" Judging of her suitability for
assuming the responsibility of selecting one, and of leaving her
mother's sheltering wing, we should reply--a gilt gingerbread man.
A METEOR.--The Rosicrucians were a mystic brotherhood, made known to the
outer world in certain books published in 1614-15-16. The last book,
published in 1616, was acknowledged by Johann Valentine Andreæ, and
entitled "The Chymische Hochzeit Christiani Rosenkreuz." The former
works are likewise described by him. From these we learn that one
Christian Rosenkreuz, a German noble of the fourteenth century, founded
a brotherhood of seven adepts on his return from the East, and that
among their laws was one that they should each heal the sick gratis (or,
at least, endeavour to do so), should meet annually at a certain secret
place, and adopt the symbol of the _Rose Crux_, or rose springing from a
cross, the device on Luther's seal. In 1622 societies of alchymists at
The Hague and elsewhere assumed this title, and the tenets of the
community were held by Cabalists, Freemasons, and Illuminati, and
professed also by Cagliostro. It is said that a Lodge of Rosicrucians
now exists in London.
TUMPY.--Our answers depend on the questions and style of the letters
addressed to us. You were right in your surmise. Your writing is
legible, but not sufficiently regular. If you write us a ridiculous
letter we promise you a suitable answer. We are so sorry for your poor
father. Could he not subscribe for _Punch_, or procure a few copies of
the famous "Mrs. Brown" series?
HIGHLAND MARY inquires, "Who was the author of the first settler, and
where is it?" How can we tell "where it is"? There have been "first
settlers" in every part of the globe. The first part of your letter is
better written than the concluding portion, and gives good promise for a
good running hand by-and-by.
C. HORSELL.--The lines you send us are very faulty; in fact, are only
badly-rhymed prose; but if it amuses you to write such, do not desist,
as outlets are useful to very young people, and it seems desirable for
them to give vent to their feelings a little.
NOLENS VOLENS.--Many people do not begin "My dear So-and-So," nor end
with "Yours sincerely," etc., on a postcard, but merely write their
address in full at the top, and the message signed beneath it, with
initials only. But you can do as you like in the matter; there is no
rule. We wonder that, having such suspicions of our honesty, you
continued to read our paper.
ROUSSEAU and FLOSSY.--We know of no cure for mere nervousness, unless,
as sometimes happens, it passes into a disease, when a doctor should be
consulted. Try to forget yourself in the pleasure of adding to the
enjoyment of others.
HOPE ATHELING.--_A.E.I._ means "for ever." "I don't think" is a common
colloquialism used by everyone, and is not more incorrect than such
expressions generally are.
J. S. F.--
"Not even the tenderest heart, and next our own,
Knows half the reasons why we smile and sigh,"
is from Keble's "Christian Year," 24th Sunday after Trinity, verse 1.
MARIE.--The quotation--
"A primrose by a river's brim
A yellow primrose was to him,
And it was nothing more,"
is from Wordsworth's poem, "Peter Bell," part i.; stanza 12.
ERA.--The signification of the bee appearing on the monument of the
Prince Imperial, is that the French royal mantle and standard were
thickly sown with golden bees instead of "Louis flowers" or _Fleurs de
lys_. The origin dates back to the time of the early Egyptians, who
symbolised their kings under this emblem, the honey indicating the
reward they gave to the well-doers, and the sting the punishment they
inflicted on the evil. More than 300 golden bees were found in the tomb
of Childeric, A.D. 1653. Offer your song to some composer. Sometimes
they are in request; more frequently there are more offered than are
required. All depends on the fancy of the composer. Only two questions
are allowed, and the answers given at the discretion of the Editor. We
regret that you have been disappointed.
[Illustration]
CISSIE.--You cannot interfere with the laudable work of the rector in
building a school-house for the use of his parishioners; it is his duty.
But the parents of the children will have the right of choice between
this school and your private one. Mourning for a parent lasts a year;
but you are free to wear it longer if you like.
WINNIE E. L.--You should consult a doctor. We cannot usurp his place,
though we are always willing to give sensible advice on hygienic and
sanitary matters.
POLLY and OTHERS.--The measurements of a classic figure, as given on
authority, are: height, 5 feet 4½ inches; bust, 32 inches; waist, 24
inches; 9 inches from under the arm to the waist, with long arms and
neck. The proportions of a larger and more stately woman or girl would
be: height, 5 feet 5 or 6 inches; bust, 36 inches; waist 26½ inches;
hips 35 inches; thick part of arm, 11½ inches; wrist, 6½ inches. The
hands and feet should not be too small. "Polly" will see that no
arrangements are made by judges of true beauty and its lines for waists
of 15 or 16 inches. They are simply deformities.
BUDDIE.--The book was published anonymously.
C. B. GLOUCESTER.--Easter Day fell on the 25th March, in 1546, 1641,
1736, 1886, and will fall next time in 1943. Tram, used as a prefix to
way and road, is the last syllable of the name of their inventor, Mr.
Benjamin Outram, who in 1800 made improvements in the system of
railways for common roads, then in use in the North of England. The
first iron tramroad from Croydon to Wandsworth was completed July 24th,
1801. Mr. Outram was the father of the celebrated Indian general, Sir
James Outram.
WILD HYACINTH.--We know of nothing save to benefit your general health.
The intense perspiration is evidently an effort of nature. Do you take a
tepid bath every morning, and as much exercise as possible? You have
doubtless received your book.
R. H. P.--We do not think cold and haughty people are at all nice, nor
do we think they could be happy themselves, or make others happy. The
Christian ideal is neither coldness nor haughtiness, but sympathy and
love. You must take care of those long tails at the end of your words in
writing. Better tie them up as the Dutch farmers do the tails of their
cows. They are in writing ugly and useless appendages.
NANNIE B. and FIDDLESTICKS have our best thanks for their letters.
ISIS.--We are much obliged for the account of your visit to the Temple,
and we regret we can make no use of it. You will acquire more ease in
writing by constant practice.
GERTRUDE.--We think the first year you must take what is offered to you
in the way of salary.
A FIELD OFFICER'S DAUGHTER.--We have perused the two poems, and consider
that they hold some promise of better things, though both are faulty in
construction and rhyme.
INCONSISTENCY'S paper is too much like a schoolgirl's composition for
our pages; but she evidently tries to think, which is more than many
people do.
ELSIE.--We never heard any more of the saying about Brighton, than "a
country without trees and a sea without ships," and we have looked for
the original authorship in vain.
SWEET VIOLETS.--We know of nothing but constant rubbing and the practice
of gymnastics to do your shoulders good. You probably have some trick of
standing crookedly that has helped to make it grow out, such as standing
on one leg, or giving down on one side.
FOREVER AND EVER writes English very well, though her writing is rather
too pointed to suit English tastes. But at 16 she has plenty of time to
alter it if she likes.
B. H. M. W.--The lines show much good feeling and affection, but no
poetic talent.
A WELL WISHER.--Rydal and Loughrigg, a township of England, Co.
Westmoreland, on the Leven, two miles N.W. of Ambleside, celebrated for
its beautiful lake, on the banks of which stands Rydal Mount, long the
residence of the poet Wordsworth.
MADGE.--We think "Madge" must not worry herself, as she certainly cannot
help people who will not allow themselves to be helped, in her way at
least of assisting them; good advice is generally unpalatable. She must
look on the best side of the matter, and hope that her friend may be
happy and comfortable in her own way. We doubt that you could have
prevented the marriage, as your friend is very likely tired of the
trouble of earning her living, and thinks of marriage as a way of
escape. You must commend both her and her affairs to God, and cease
worrying yourself.
NELL.--Your mother's brother is your uncle, no matter whether by the
father or the mother. To put the case in another way, your grandfather's
son is your uncle by whatever wife he had, first or fourth. Of course
you could not marry him. See the "table of degrees of affinity" in the
Book of Common Prayer.
ONE OF OUR GIRLS.--We think that men not much exposed to cold and damp,
and night work, such as sailors and soldiers, do not need the warmth nor
stimulant obtained by smoking any more than women do. Nevertheless, a
single cigar or pipe daily would not be injurious to a grown man, though
much so to a young lad in his teens. Men are so careless about cleansing
their pipes from that poisonous nicotine, that multitudes have found
their habit of excessive smoking a highly provoking cause of cancer in
the mouth.
HEBRIDEAN.--We think some foolish person has been worrying you with
nonsensical fault-finding. We can not see that you were wrong in any
way. You were with other girls and with your brothers, and that should
be sufficient protection, whoever you were walking with. Do not allow
yourself to be teased.