This letter is written in extreme pain; yet no pain that I ever felt,
no external pain possible for me to feel, is equal to the torment I derive
from suspense. Good Heaven! what an untoward accident! to be forcibly
immured in a tavern-chamber; when the distance is so small between me and
that certainty after which my soul pants!
I ought not thus to alarm my beloved friends, but I know not what I
write: my head is in confusion, my heart in tumults; a delirium, more the
effect of a mind stretched upon the rack of impatience than of limbs
shattered and broken, whirls me out of myself.
Not a moment of undisturbed repose have I enjoyed for the last two
months. If awake, omens and conjectures, menacing fears, and half-formed
hopes, have haunted and harassed me. If asleep, dreams of agonizing forms
and ever-varying hues have thronged my fancy and driven away peace.
In less than an hour after landing at Boston, I placed myself in the
swiftest stage, and have travelled night and day, till within a mile of
this town, when the carriage was overturned and my left arm terribly
shattered. I was drawn with difficulty hither; and my only hope of being
once more well is founded on my continuance, for I know not how long, in
one spot and one posture.
By this time, the well-known hand has told you who it is that writes
this:--the exile; the fugitive; whom four long years of absence and
silence have not, I hope, erased from your remembrance, banished from your
love, or even totally excluded from the hope of being seen again.
Yet that hope, surely, must have been long ago dismissed. Acquainted as
you are with some part of my destiny; of my being left on the desert shore
of Japan; on the borders of a new world,--a world civilized indeed, and
peopled by men, but existing in almost total separation from the other
families of mankind; with language, manners, and policy almost
incompatible with the existence of a stranger among them; all entrance or
egress from which being commonly supposed to be prohibited by iron laws
and inflexible despotism; that I, a stranger, naked, forlorn, cast upon a
sandy beach frequented but at rare intervals and by savage fishermen,
should find my way into the heart of this wonderful empire, and finally
explore my way back to my native shore, are surely most strange and
incredible achievements. Yet all this, my friend, has been endured and
performed by your Colden.
Finding it impossible to move immediately from this place, and this
day's post having gone out before my arrival, I employed a man to carry
you these assurances of my existence and return, and to bring me back
intelligence of your welfare; and some news concerning--may I perish if I
can, at this moment, write her name! Every moment, every mile that has
brought me nearer to _her_, or rather nearer to certainty of her life
or death, her happiness or misery, has increased my trepidation,--added
new tremors to my heart.
I have some time to spare. In spite of my impatience, my messenger
cannot start within a few hours. I am little fitted, in my present state
of pain and suspense, to write intelligibly. Yet what else can I do but
write? and will you not, in your turn, be impatient to know by what means
I have once more set my foot in my native land?
I will fill up the interval, till my messenger is ready, by writing. I
will give you some hints of my adventures. All particulars must be
deferred till I see you. Heaven grant that I may once more see you and my
sister! Four months ago you were well, but that interval is large enough
to breathe ten thousand disasters. Expect not a distinct or regular story.
That, I repeat, must be deferred till we meet. Many a long day would be
consumed in the telling; and that which was hazard or hardship in the
encounter and the sufferance will be pleasant to remembrance and
delightful in narration.
This person's name was Holtz. He was the agent of the Dutch East India
Company in Japan. He was then at court in a sort of diplomatic character.
He was likewise a physician and man of science. He had even been in
America, and found no difficulty in conversing with me in my native
language.
You will easily imagine the surprise and pleasure which such a meeting
afforded me. It likewise opened a door to my return to Europe, as a large
trade is regularly maintained between Java and Japan.
Many obstacles, however, in the views which Tekehatsin had formed, of
profit and amusement, from my remaining in his service, and in the
personal interests and wishes of my friend Holtz, opposed this design; nor
was I able to accomplish it, but on condition of returning.
I confess to you, my friend, my heart was not extremely averse to this
condition.
I left America with very faint hopes, and no expectation, of ever
returning. The longer I resided among this race of men, the melancholy and
forlornness of my feelings declined. Prospects of satisfaction from the
novelty and grandeur of the scene into which I had entered began to open
upon me; sentiments of affection and gratitude for Holtz, and even for the
Japanese lord, took root in my heart. Still, however, happiness was bound
to scenes and to persons very distant from, my new country, and a
restlessness forever haunted me, which nothing could appease but some
direct intelligence from you and from Jane Talbot. By returning to Europe,
I could likewise be of essential service to Holtz, whose family were
Saxons, and whose commercial interests required the presence of a trusty
agent for a few months at Hamburg.
Let me carry you, in few words, through the difficulties of my
embarkation, and the incidents of a short stay at Batavia, and a long
voyage over half the world to Hamburg.
Shortly after my return to Hamburg, from an excursion into Saxony to
see Holtz's friends, I met with Mr. Cartwright, an American. After much
fluctuation, I had previously resolved to content myself with writing to
you, of whom I received such verbal information from several of our
countrymen as removed my anxiety on your account. A very plausible tale,
told me by some one that pretended to know, of Mrs. Talbot's marriage with
a Mr. Cartwright, extinguished every new-born wish to revisit my native
land, and I expected to set sail on my return to India, before it could be
possible to hear from you.
I was on the eve of my departure, when the name of Cartwright, an
American, then at Hamburg, reached my ears. The similarity of his name to
that of the happy man who had supplanted the poor wanderer in the
affections of Jane, and a suspicion that they might possibly be akin, and,
consequently, that _this_ might afford me some information as to the
character or merits of _that_ Cartwright, made me throw myself in his
way.
You may easily imagine, what I shall defer relating, the steps which
led us to a knowledge of each other, and by which I discovered that this
Cartwright was the one mentioned to me, and that, instead of being already
the husband of my Jane, his hopes of her favour depended on the certain
proof of my death.
Cartwright's behaviour was in the highest degree disinterested. He
might easily have left me in my original error, and a very few days would
have sent me on a voyage which would have been equivalent to my death. On
the contrary, his voluntary information, and a letter which he showed me,
written in Jane's hand, created a new soul in my breast. Every foreign
object vanished, and every ancient sentiment, connected with our
unfortunate loves, was instantly revived. Ineffable tenderness, and an
impatience next to rage to see her, reigned in my heart.
Yet, my friend, with all my confidence of a favourable reception from
Jane,--her conduct now exempt from the irresistible control of her mother,
and her tenderness for me as fervent as ever,--yet, since so excellent a
man as Cartwright existed, since his claims were, in truth, antecedent to
mine, since my death or everlasting absence would finally insure success
to these claims, since his character was blemished by none of those
momentous errors with which mine was loaded, since that harmony of opinion
on religious subjects, without which marriage can never be a source of
happiness to hearts touched by a true and immortal passion, was perfect in
_his_ case,--never should mere passion have seduced me to her feet.
If my reflections and experience had not changed my character,--if all
_her_ views as to the final destiny and present obligations of human
beings had not become _mine_,--I should have deliberately ratified
the act of my eternal banishment.
Yes, my friend; this weather-beaten form and sunburnt face are not more
unlike what you once knew, than my habits and opinions now and formerly.
The incidents of a long voyage, the vicissitudes through which I have
passed, have given strength to my frame, while the opportunities and
occasions for wisdom which these have afforded me have made _my mind
whole_. I have awakened from my dreams of doubt and misery, not to the
cold and vague belief, but to the living and delightful consciousness, of
every tie that can bind man to his Divine Parent and Judge.
Again I must refer you to our future interviews. A broken and obscure
tale it would be which I could now relate. I am hurried, by my fears and
suspenses--Yet it would give you pleasure to know every thing as soon as
possible--some time likewise must elapse--_You_ and my sister have
always been wise. The lessons of true piety it is the business of your
lives to exemplify and to teach. Henceforth, if that principle, which has
been my stay and my comfort in all the slippery paths and unlooked-for
perils from which I have just been delivered, desert not my future steps,
I hope to be no mean example and no feeble teacher of the same lessons.
Indefatigable zeal and strenuous efforts are indeed incumbent on me in
proportion to the extent of my past misconduct and the depth of my former
degeneracy.
By what process of reflection I became thus, you shall speedily know:
yet can you be at a loss to imagine it? _You_, who have passed
through somewhat similar changes; who always made allowances for the
temerity of youth, the fascinations of novelty; who always predicted that
a few more years, the events of my peculiar destiny, the leisure of my
long voyage, and that goodness of intention to which you were ever kind
enough to admit my claims, would ultimately provide the remedy for all
errors and evils, and make me worthy of the undivided love of all good
men,--you, who have had this experience, and who have always regarded me
in this light, will not wonder that reflection has, at length, raised me
to the tranquil and steadfast height of simple and true piety.
Such, my friend, were my inducements to return; but first it was
necessary to explain, by letter, to Holtz--But my messenger is at the
door, eager to begone. Take this, my friend. Bring yourself, or send back
by the same messenger, without a moment's delay, tidings of her, and of
your safety. As to me, be not much concerned on my account. I am solemnly
assured by my surgeon that nothing but time and a tranquil mind are
necessary to restore me to health. The last boon no hand but yours can
confer on your