* * * * *
I wish I had words, my friend: yet why do I wish for them? Why sit I
here, endeavouring to give form, substance, and duration to images to
which it is guilty and opprobrious to allow momentary place in my mind?
Why do I thus lay up, for the few that love me, causes of affliction?
Yet perhaps I accuse myself too soon. The persuasion that I have one
friend is sweet. I fancy myself talking to one who is interested in my
happiness; but this shall satisfy me. If fate impel me to any rash and
irretrievable act, I will take care that no legacy of sorrow shall be left
to my survivors. My fate shall be buried in oblivion. No busy curiosity,
no affectionate zeal, shall trace the way that I have gone. No mourning
footsteps shall haunt my grave,
I am, indeed, my friend--never, never before, spiritless and even
hopeless as I have sometimes been, have my thoughts been thus gloomy.
Never felt I so enamoured of that which seems to be the cure-all.
Often have I wished to slide obscurely and quietly into the grave; but
this wish, while it saddened my bosom, never raised my hand against my
life. It made me willingly expose my safety to the blasts of pestilence;
it made me court disease; but it never set my imagination in search after
more certain and speedy means.
Yet I am wonderfully calm. I can still reason on the folly of despair.
I know that a few days, perhaps a few hours, will bring me some degree of
comfort and courage; will make life, with all its disappointments and
vexations, endurable at least.
Would to Heaven I were not quite alone! Left thus to my greatest enemy,
myself, I feel that I am capable of deeds which I fear to name.
A few minutes ago I was anxious to find Miss Jessup; to gain another
interview with Mrs. Fielder. Both the one and the other have left the
city. Jane's dwelling is deserted. Shortly after I left it, they set out
upon their journey, and Miss Jessup--no doubt, to avoid another interview
with me--has precipitately withdrawn into the country.
I shall not pursue their steps. Let things take their course. No doubt,
a lasting and effectual remorse will, some time or other, reach the heart
of Miss Jessup, and this fatal error will be rectified. I need not live, I
need not exert myself, to hasten the discovery. I can do nothing.