_To the Same_
November 26.
What shall I say to thee, my friend? How shall I communicate a
resolution fatal, as thy tenderness will deem it, to thy peace, yet a
resolution suggested by a heart which has, at length, permitted all
selfish regards to be swallowed up by a disinterested consideration of thy
good?
Why did you conceal from me your father's treatment of you, and the
consequences which your fidelity to me has incurred from his rage? I will
never be the cause of plunging you into poverty so hopeless. Did you think
I would? and could you imagine it possible to conceal from me forever his
aversion to me?
How much misery would your forbearance have laid up in store for my
future life! When fate had put it out of my power to absolve you from his
curses, some accident would have made me acquainted with the full extent
of the sufferings and contumelies with which, for my sake, he had loaded
you.
But, thanks to Heaven, I am apprized in time of the truth. Instead of
the bearer of a letter from my mother, whose signal at the door put an end
to my last letter, it was my mother herself.
Dear and welcome as those features and that voice once were, now would
I rather have encountered the eyes of a basilisk and the notes of the
ill-boding raven.
She hastened with all this expedition to thank me; to urge me to
execute; to assist me in performing the promises of my first letter. The
second, in which these promises were recalled, never reached her hand. She
left New York, as it now appeared, before its arrival. The interval had
been spent on the road, where she had been detained by untoward and
dangerous accidents.
Think, my friend, of the embarrassments attending this unlooked-for and
inauspicious meeting. Joy at my supposed compliance with her wishes,
wishes that imaged to themselves my happiness, and only mine, enabled her
to support the hardships of this journey. Fatigue and exposure, likely to
be fatal to one of so delicate, so infirm a constitution, so lately and
imperfectly recovered from a dangerous malady, could not deter her.
Fondly, rapturously did she fold to her bosom the long-lost and
late-recovered child. Tears of joy she shed over me, and thanked me for
the tranquil and serene close which my return to virtue, as she called my
acquiescence, had secured to her life. That life would at all events be
short; but my compliances, if they could not much protract it, would at
least render its approaching end peaceful.
All attempts to reason with my mother were fruitless. She fell into
alarming agonies when she discovered the full import of that coldness and
dejection which my demeanour betrayed. Fatigued and indisposed as she was,
she made preparation to depart; she refused to pass one night under the
same roof,--her _own_ roof,--and determined to begone, on her return
home, the very next morning.
Will not your heart comprehend the greatness of this trial, and pity
and excuse a momentary wavering, a yielding irresolution? Yet it was but
momentary. An hour's solitude and deep reflection fortified my heart
against the grief and supplication even of my mother.
Next day she was more calm. She condescended to reason, to expostulate.
She carefully shunned the mention of atrocious charges. She dwelt only on
the proofs which your past life and your own confessions had afforded of
unsteady courage and unwarrantable principles; your treatment of the
Woodbury girl; your correspondence with Thomson; your ignoble sloth; your
dependence upon others; your helplessness.
From these accusations I defended you in silence. My heart was your
secret advocate. I did not verbally repel any of these charges. That of
inglorious dependence for subsistence upon others I admitted; but I could
not forbear urging that this dependence was on a father. A father who was
rich; who had no other child than yourself; whose own treatment of you had
planted and reared in you this indisposition to labour; to whose property
your title, ultimately, could not be denied.
"And has he then," she exclaimed, "deceived you in that particular? Has
he concealed from you his father's resolutions? That his engagement with
you has already drawn down his father's anger, and even his curses? On his
persisting to maintain an inviolable faith to you, he was ignominiously
banished from his father's roof. All kindred and succour were disclaimed,
and on you depends the continuance of that decree, and whether that
protection and subsistence which he has hitherto enjoyed, and of which his
character stands in so much need, shall be lost to him forever."
You did not tell me _this_, my friend. In claiming your love, far
was I from imagining that I tore you from your father's house, and plunged
you into that indigence which your character and education so totally
unfit you for sustaining or escaping from.
My mother removed all doubt which could not but attend such unwelcome
tidings, by showing me her own letter to your father, and his answer to
it.
Well do I recollect your behaviour on the evening when my mother's
letter was received by your father. At that time, your deep dejection was
inexplicable. And did you not--my heart bleeds to think how much my love
has cost you--did you not talk of a fall on the ice when I pointed to a
bruise on your forehead? That bruise, and every token of dismay, your
endeavours at eluding or diverting my attention from your sorrow and
solemnity, are now explained.
Good Heaven! And was I indeed the cause of that violence, that
contumely,--the rage, and even curses, of a father? And why concealed you
these maledictions and this violence from me? Was it not because you well
knew that I would never consent to subject you to such a penalty?
Hasten then, I beseech you, to your father; lay this letter before him;
let it inform him of my solemn and irrevocable resolution to sever myself
from you forever.
But this I will myself do. I will acquaint him with my resignation to
_his_ will and that of my mother, and beseech him to restore you to
his favour.
Farewell, my friend. By that name, at least, I may continue to call
you. Yet no. I must never see you nor hear from you again, unless it be in
answer to this letter.
Let your pity stifle the emotions of indignation or grief, and return
me such an answer as may tend to reconcile me to the vow which, whether
difficult or easy, must not be broken.