_To Mrs. Fielder_
Philadelphia, October 15.
I have several times taken up the pen, but my distress has compelled me
to lay it down again. Heaven is my witness that the happiness of my
revered mamma is dearer to me than my own; no struggle was ever greater
between my duty to you and the claims of another.
Will you not permit me to explain my conduct? will you not acquaint me
with the reasons of your aversion to my friend?--let me call him by that
name. Such, indeed, has he been to me,--the friend of my understanding and
my virtue. My soul's friend; since, to suffer, without guilt, in this
world, entitles us to peace in another, and since to him I owe that I have
not been a guilty as well as an unfortunate creature.
Whatever conduct I pursue with regard to him, I must always consider
him in this light; at least, till your proofs against him are heard. Let
me hear them, I beseech you. Have compassion on the anguish of your poor
girl, and reconcile, if possible, _my_ duty to _your_ inclination, by
stating what you know to his disadvantage. You must have causes for your
enmity, which you hide from me. Indeed, you tell me that you have; you
say that if I knew them they would determine me. Let then every motive
be set aside through regard to my happiness, and disclose to me this
secret.
While I am ignorant of these charges, while all that I know of Colden
tends to endear his happiness to me, and while his happiness depends upon
my acceptance of his vows, _can_ I, _ought_ I, to reject
him?
Place yourself in my situation. You once loved and was once beloved. I
am, indeed, your child. I glory in the name which you have had the
goodness to bestow upon me. Think and feel for your child, in her present
unhappy circumstances; in which she does not balance between happiness and
misery,--that alternative, alas! is not permitted,--but is anxious to
discover which path has fewest thorns, and in which her duty will allow
her to walk.
How greatly do you humble me, and how strongly evince your aversion to
Colden, by offering, as the price of his rejection, half your property!
How low am I fallen in your esteem, since you think it possible for such a
bribe to prevail! and what calamities must this alliance seem to threaten,
since the base selfishness of accepting this offer is better, in your
eyes, than my marriage!
Sure I never was unhappy till now. Pity me, my mother. Condescend to
write to me again, and, by disclosing all your objections to Colden,
reconcile, I earnestly entreat you, my duty to your inclination.