THE GATES OF LIFE
In her sitting-room at the Arundel Marie sat. It was nearly midnight.
Hours before she had dined. Since then she had wandered from one room
to another, from one chair to another, wondering would Loftus come.
Sometimes he did. More often he did not. She never knew beforehand. It
was as it pleased him. Always the uncertainty irked her. But on this
evening it was particularly enervating. She had reached the gates of
her endurance. She could stand no more. She must pass through them,
pass or fall back, where she did not know, but somewhere, to some
plane, in which, though life forsook her, at least its degradation
would be foregone.
At first, in the old days, when he met her in the ex-first lady's den,
it had seemed to her that life would be incomplete without him. Then
it had seemed that with him it would be fulfilled to the tips.
Subsequently the long train of disenchantments had ensued. In Paris
he had pained her greatly. There, after a series of those things,
little in themselves, but which, when massed, become mountainous, she
had been forced to consider not her love for him but the nature of
such love as he had for her. In him there was a reticence which
perplexed, depths which she could not reach. At times his silence was
that of one to whom something has happened, who is suffering from some
constraint, from some pressure or from some long illness of which
traces remain. At others, it had exasperated her, it made her feel
like a piano, on which, a piece played, the cover is shut. She had
seemed to serve as a pastime, nothing more; a toy which now and then
he took up, but only because it was there, beneath his feet. Yet even
then she was not quite unhappy. Even then she had faith. She believed
in him still. Hope had not gone.
Hope has its braveries. Its outposts patrol our lives. Until death
annihilates it and us, always beyond is a sentry. The sentry which she
still discerned was the promise he had made. Latterly it had not been
much of a sentry. It had far more resembled a straw. But it was all
she had. She had clung to it. Hope indeed has its braveries, but it
has its cowardices as well.
This hope, ultimate and forlorn, she knew now was craven, mated to her
degradation, born of her shame. If it were to be realized the
realization must delay no more. She was at the gates. She must pass
through. On that she had decided. When Loftus came she would tell him
so. She would tell him that she would work for him, slave for him,
envelop him with her love, pillow him on her heart. Though he lost his
wretched money what would it matter to her and how should it matter to
him? She could sing him if not into affluence at least into ease.
Tambourini, with whom until recently she had studied, had told her not
once, out of politeness merely, but again and again that in her throat
was a volcano of gold. With Italian exaggeration he had called her
Pasta, Alboni, Malibran, predicting their triumphs for her. If Loftus
would make an honest woman of her those triumphs would be for him. But
as she told herself that she told herself too that such triumphs he
would prefer to avoid. He should have, though, the chance. If he
rejected it she would go. And of its rejection she had little manner
of doubt. But the chance he should have, yes, even though she knew
beforehand that with his usual civility--a civility which she had
learned to hate--he would hand it back. She could see him at it. She
could see his negligent smile. That smile she had learned too to hate.
Always she loved him to distraction, but sometime she hated him to the
death.
From Loftus for a moment her thoughts veered to Tambourini. The week
previous suddenly, without warning, he had told her torrentially that
he adored her. He was a good teacher. Yet, of course, after that she
had been obliged to let him go.
But now her thoughts were interrupted. At the table where she sat she
started, her head drawn abruptly in that attitude which deers have
when surprised. In the door without had come the fumble of a key and,
in the hall, she caught the almost noiseless tread of her lover. As he
entered she got from her seat. Loftus had his hat on. He took it off,
put it down on the table and taking a cigar from his pocket lit it at
the chimney of a lamp that was there.
At the conclusion of the operation he looked at her. Her dress was
canary. From the short loose sleeves lace fell that was repeated at
the neck. There a yellow sapphire had been pinned. As he looked at
her, she looked at him.
"I have something to say to you, Marie," he began.
With an uplift of the chin she answered: "And I, Royal, have something
to say to you."
"The usual thing, I suppose. Well, shy a teacup at me if you like, but
spare me a scene."
As he spoke he seated himself. "Marie," he at once resumed, "I shall
have to take my mother up the Hudson shortly----"
The girl interrupted him. "Does Mrs. Annandale go too?"
The man's cigar had gone out. He relighted it. "No," he replied, "the
last time I saw her she said something about going West."
"Ah!" Marie exclaimed, and immediately with that curious intuition
which women that really love possess she added, "to Dakota?"
"Perhaps," replied Loftus with a puff. The surety of the shot amazed
him, but of the amazement he gave no sign. "Perhaps, though I do not
remember that she said just where she did intend to go." He drew in a
large mouthful of smoke, which leisurely he blew forth. It circled
about her. She moved away. "Oh, excuse me," he said, "I did not
mean--" The girl made a gesture of indifference. "You see," he began
again, "the point is just here. My mother is not well. She rather
wants me with her this summer. In the circumstances I thought you
might like to go abroad."
Marie, through half-closed eyes, cautiously peered at him. "Without
you?" she asked.
Loftus nodded.
"For good?"
To this Loftus made no answer. Provided she went, though it were for
bad, he did not much care.
Marie, who had been standing, crossed the room and recrossed it. A
year before she had suggested the kitten. Where that had been the
leopard had come. In her movements were the same supple ease, the same
grace and alertness. Suddenly at the table where he sat she stopped,
rested a hand on it and bending a little looked him in the face.
"Liar," she muttered. "Liar! I know and so do you. Yes, I knew it
almost from the first, but, though I knew it, I tried as hard to
deceive myself as you did to deceive me. You never intended to marry
me, not for a moment, not even at the moment when you called God to
witness that you would."
Her hand had gone from the table, from it and him she turned away.
Loftus, who at the arraignment had retreated a full inch in his chair,
called after her. "It is untrue; what I said, I meant."
Marie turned back. "Then if you meant it, marry me this night. If you
have any honor, any whatever, a spark of it, you will; if not----"
She paused and looked at him. It was not this at all she had meant to
say. She had meant to entreat him, to picture what their life might
be, to tell him of her enveloping love, and that failing, to go, but
to go without words, without reproaches, without suffering that which
had been between them to be marred by vituperation and, so marred, to
descend to the level of some coarse intrigue. But something, his
manner, the manifest lie about his mother, the apparition of that
other woman, battening on nerves overwrought had irritated her into
entire forgetfulness of what she had meant to do and say.
The pause Loftus noticed. What was behind it he misconstrued. "Don't
mind me," he encouragingly interjected. "Threaten away. It is so nice
and well-bred. Yet I must be allowed to say that while I did intend to
marry you, the intention has been rather weakened through just such
scenes as this. Though, to be frank, it is not so much that I object
to scenes as it is that, if scenes there must be, I prefer to make
them myself."
At the humor of that Marie ran her nails into her hands, dug them in.
Without some such moxa it seemed to her that she might take and hurl
the lamp at him, fire the place and, fate favoring, be calcinated with
him there.
"And now that I have been frank," he went on, "let me be franker. You
and I have ceased to be able to hit it off. The blame for that I will,
if you like, assume."
Then he too paused. But not at all because he did not fully know what
he meant to do and say.
"Marie," he continued, putting a hand in a pocket as he spoke, "in the
past year we have been more than friends. Friends at least let us
remain. Friends do part, and for awhile we must. Your voice, like
yourself, is charming. If I may advise, go and study abroad. Though if
you prefer remain here. But, of course, whatever you do you will need
money. I have brought some."
In his hand now was a card case which he offered her. She took it,
looked at it, opened it, then moving to a window she raised the sash
and threw the card case into the night, yet so quickly and
unexpectedly that Loftus had no time to interfere.
"That is an agreeable way of getting rid of twelve thousand dollars,"
he remarked.
Yet, however lightly he affected to speak, the action annoyed him.
Like all men of large means he was close. It seemed to him beastly to
lose such a sum. He got up, went to the window and looked down. He
could not see the case and he much wanted to go and look for it. But
that for the moment Marie prevented.
"If it were twelve times twelve million," she exclaimed, "I would do
the same! Oh, Royal," she cried, "don't you know it is not your money
I want; don't you know it is you?"
Loftus did know, but he did not care. The flinging away of the money
was all he could think of. It was an act which he could not properly
qualify as plebeian, but which seemed to him crazily courtesanesque.
He returned to the table and picked up his hat. "I am going," he
announced.
Marie sprang at him. "Is that your answer?"
He brushed her aside. She saw that he was going, saw too, or thought
she saw, that he was going never to return, saw also that now at last
she was at the gates.
"My God!" she cried. "My God!"
So resonant was the cry that Loftus turned, not to her but to the
window. He closed it. But already the cry had passed elsewhere.
From regions beyond a fat negress waddled hurriedly in. Her eyes
rolled whitely from the girl to Loftus and then again to the girl.
"Are you sick, miss?"
"Go away," said Loftus, "there is nothing the matter."
"Nothing?" exclaimed Marie. "Nothing!" she repeated in a higher key.
"Nothing!" Then, visibly, anger enveloped her. "Do you call it nothing
to be cheated and decoyed? Nothing to have faith and love and be
gammoned of them by a living lie, by a perjury in flesh and blood? Is
that what you call nothing? Is it? Then tell me what something is?"
At the moment she stared at Loftus, her lips still moving, her breast
heaving, her small hands clenched, her face very white. And Loftus
stared at her. In the vehemence and contempt of her anger he did not
recognize at all the kitten of the year before. But it was very
vulgar, he decided.
That vulgarity Blanche complicated at once. "What has he done, miss?"
she asked, her hands on her hips.
"Done?" Marie echoed. "He has made me drink of shame. Now, tired of
that, he is going."
"Not to leave you, miss?"
"To leave me for another woman."
"Then hanging is too good for him."
Loftus gestured at the negress. "I say," he called. "Did you hear what
I told you? Go away and hold your tongue."
Blanche's eyes that had rolled whitely before were rolling now not
merely whitely but wildly.
"I won't go away, sir. I won't hold my tongue, sir. I am as good as
you, sir. I have a son that's better nor you, sir. He wouldn't treat a
lady as you have her, sir. Staying away from her as you have, sir.
Making her eat her heart out, sir. No, sir, I won't hold my tongue,
sir."
And Blanche, mounting in paroxysms of indignation, shouted: "For the
Lord's sake, sir. Hanging is too good for you, sir. You ought to have
your ghost kicked. Yes, sir."
"Oh, hell!" muttered Loftus between his teeth, and turning on his
heel, he stalked out, flecking from his sleeve as he went an imaginary
speck.