THE WAY TO FIND OUT
These were the thoughts passing and re-passing idly through John's mind
as he sat, waiting, upon the stiff little iron chair in Kensington
Gardens, and felt the minted edge of the half-crowns and the florins
that lay so comfortably at the bottom of his pocket.
And then came Jill. She came alone.
He saw her in the distance, coming up that sudden rise of the Broad Walk
down which hoops roll so splendidly--become so realistically restive,
and prance and rear beneath the blow of the stick in the circus-master's
hand. And--she was walking alone.
Then, in a moment, the Gardens became empty. John was not conscious of
their becoming so. They were--just empty. Down a long road, tapering
to the infinite point of distance, on which her figure moved alone, she
might have been coming--slowly, gradually, to their ultimate meeting.
He felt no wonder, realised no surprise at their sudden solitude. When
in the midst of Romance, you are not conscious of the miracles it
performs. You do not marvel at the wonders of its magic carpets which,
in the whisk of a lamb's tail, transport you thousands of miles away;
you are not amazed at the wizardry of its coats of invisibility which
can hide you two from the whole world, or hide the whole world from you.
All these you take for granted; for Romance, when it does come to you,
comes, just plainly and without ceremony, in the everyday garments of
life and you never know the magician you have been entertaining until he
is gone.
Even John himself, whose business in life it was to see the romance in
the life of others, could not recognise it now in his own. There were
women he had met, there were women he had loved; but this was romance
and he never knew it.
With pulses that beat warmly in a strange, quick way, he rose from his
chair, thinking to go and meet her. But she might resent that. She
might have changed her mind. She might not be coming to meet him at
all. Perhaps, as she lay awake that morning--it was a presumption to
think she had lain awake at all--perhaps she had altered her opinion
about the propriety of an introduction afforded by St. Joseph. It were
better, he thought, to see her hand held out, before he took it.
So he sat back again in his chair and watched her as she stepped over
the railings--those little railings scarcely a foot high, over which, if
you know what it is to be six, you know the grand delight of leaping;
you know the thrill of pleasure when you look back, surveying the height
you have cleared.
She was coming in his direction. Her skirt was brushing the short grass
stems. Her head was down. She raised it and--she had seen him!
Those were the most poignant, the most conscious moments of all when,
after their eyes had met, there were still some forty yards or so to be
covered before they met. She smiled and looked up at the elm trees; he
smiled and looked down at the grass. They could not call out to each
other, saying--"How-do-you-do." Inexorably, without pity, Circumstance
decreed that they must cross those forty yards of silence before they
could speak. She felt the blood rising in a tide to her cheeks. He
became conscious that he had hands and feet; that his head was set upon
his shoulders and could not, without the accompaniment of his body, face
round the other way. The correct term for these excruciating tortures of
the mind--so I am assured--is platt. When there is such a distance
between yourself and the person whom you are approaching to meet, you
are known, if you have any sensitiveness at all, to have a platt.
Now, if ever people had a platt, it was these two. That distance was
measured in their mind, yard by yard.
At last he held her hand.
"I was," she began at once, "going to write. But I didn't know your
address."
"You were going to write----?"
He pulled forward a chair for her, near to his.
"Yes--I was going to write and tell you--I'm terribly sorry, but I can't
come this morning----" and she sat down.
A look of deepest disappointment was so plainly written in his face as
he seated himself beside her. He made no effort to render it illegible
to those eyes of hers.
"Why not?" said he, despondently. "Why can't you come?"
"Oh--you wouldn't understand if I told you."
This was the moment for the ferrule of an umbrella, or the point of an
elegant shoe. But she had not brought the umbrella, and her shoes,
well--she was unable to come that morning, so it had scarcely mattered
what she had put on. The toe of the shoe did peep out for a moment from
under the skirt, but not being approved of for elegance, it withdrew.
She was forced to fall back upon words; so she just repeated herself to
emphasise them.
"You wouldn't understand if I told you," she said again.
"Is it fair to say that," said John, "before you've found me wanting in
understanding?"
"No, but I know you wouldn't understand. Besides--it's about you."
"The reason why you can't come?"
"Yes."
"What is it?"
"I'll tell you another time, perhaps."
Ah, but that would never do. You can't tell people another time. They
don't want to hear it then.
"You can tell me now," persisted John.
She shook her head.
"There's only one time to tell things," he said.
"When?"
"Now."
She just began. Her lips parted. She took the breath for speech. The
words came into her eyes.
"No--I can't tell you--don't ask me."
But he asked. He kept on asking. Whenever there was a pause, he gently
asked again. He began putting the words into her mouth, and when he'd
half said it for her, he asked once more.
"Why do you keep on asking?" she said with a smile.
"Because I know," said John.
"You know?"
"Yes."
"Then why----"
"Because I want you to tell me, and because I only know a little. I
don't know it all. I don't know why your mother objects to me, except
that she doesn't approve of the introduction of St. Joseph. I don't know
whether she's said you're not to see me again."
That look of amazement in her eyes was a just and fair reward for his
simple hazard. Girls of twenty-one have mothers--more's the pity. He
had only guessed it. And a mother who has a daughter of twenty-one has
just reached that age when life lies in a groove and she would drag all
within it if she could. She is forty-eight, perhaps, and knowing her
husband as an obedient child knows its collect on a Sunday, she judges
all men by him. Now, all men, fortunately for them, fortunately for
everybody, are not husbands. Husbands are a type, a class by
themselves; no other man is quite like them. They have irritating ways,
and no wife should judge other men by their standards. When she would
quarrel, theirs is the patience of Job. When she would be amiable,
there is nothing to please them. They are seldom honest; they are
scarcely ever truthful. For marriage will often bring out of a man the
worst qualities that he has, as the washing-tub will sometimes only
intensify the strain upon the linen.
In the back of his mind, John felt the unseen judgment of some woman
upon him, and from this very standpoint. When he saw the look of
amazement in Jill's eyes, he knew he was right.
"Why do you look so surprised?" he said, smiling.
"Because--well--why did you ask if you knew?"
"Do you think I should ask if I didn't know?"
"Wouldn't you?"
"Oh, no. It's no good asking a woman questions when you don't know,
when you haven't the faintest idea of what her answer is going to be.
She knows very well just how ignorant you are and, by a subtle process
of the mind, she superimposes that ignorance upon herself. And if you
go on asking her direct questions, there comes a moment when she really
doesn't know either. Then she makes it up or tells you she has
forgotten. Isn't that true?"
She watched him all the time he spoke. He might have been talking
nonsense. He probably was; but there seemed to be some echo of the
truth of it far away in the hidden recesses of her mind. She seemed to
remember many times when just such a process had taken place within her.
But how had he known that, when she had never realised it before?
"What do you do, then, when you don't know, if you don't ask questions?"
He took a loose cigarette from his pocket and slowly lit it.
"Ah--then you have recourse to that wonderful method of finding out.
It's so difficult, so almost impossible, and that's why it's so
wonderful. To begin with, you pretend you don't want to know. That must
be the first step. All others--and there are hundreds--follow after
that; but you must pretend you don't want to know, or she'll never tell
you. But I am sure your mother's been saying something to you about me,
and I really want to know what it is. How did she come to hear about
me?"
He knew it would be easy for her to begin with that. No woman will tell
unless it is easy.
"Did you tell her?" he suggested gently, knowing that she did not.
"Oh, no--I didn't. It was Ronald."
"Ah--he said something?"
"Yes--at lunch--something about the papers."
"And you had to explain?"
"Yes."
"Was she vexed?"
"Yes--rather. Well--I suppose it did sound rather funny, you know."
"You told her about St. Joseph?"
"I said where I'd met you, in the Sardinia St. Chapel." She smiled up
at him incredulously. "You didn't think I'd tell her that St. Joseph
had introduced us, did you?"
"Why not? St. Joseph's a very proper man."
"Yes--on his altar, but not in Kensington."
"Well--what did she say?"
"She asked where you lived."
"Oh----"
It is impossible to make comparison between Fetter Lane and Prince of
Wales' Terrace without a face longer than is your wont--especially if it
is you who live in Fetter Lane.
"And you told her you didn't know."
"Of course."
She said it so expectantly, so hopefully that he would divulge the
terrible secret which meant so much to the continuation of their
acquaintance.
"And what did she say to that?"
"She said, of course, that it was impossible for me to know you until
you had come properly as a visitor to the house, and that she couldn't
ask you until she knew where you lived. And I suppose that's quite
right."
"I suppose it is," said John. "At any rate you agree with her?"
"I suppose so."
It meant she didn't. One never does the thing one supposes to be right;
there's no satisfaction in it.
"Well--the Martyrs' Club will always find me."
This was John's club; that club, to become a member of which, he had
been despoiled of the amount of a whole year's rent. He was still
staggering financially under the blow.
"Do you live there?" she asked.
"No--no one lives there. Members go to sleep there, but they never go
to bed. There are no beds."
"Then where do you live?"
He turned and looked full in her eyes. If she were to have sympathy, if
she were to have confidence and understanding, it must be now.
"I can't tell you where I live," said John.
The clock of St. Mary Abbot's chimed the hour of midday. He watched her
face to see if she heard.
One--two--three--four--five--six--seven--eight
nine--ten--eleven--twelve! She had not heard a single stroke of it, and
they had been sitting there for an hour.