In the year 4591 I accepted from his gracious Majesty the Ahkoond of
Citrusia a commission to explore the unknown region lying to the eastward
of the Ultimate Hills, the range which that learned archæologist, Simeon
Tucker, affirms to be identical with the "Rocky Mountains" of the
ancients. For this proof of his Majesty's favor I was indebted, doubtless,
to a certain distinction that I had been fortunate enough to acquire by
explorations in the heart of Darkest Europe. His Majesty kindly offered to
raise and equip a large expeditionary force to accompany me, and I was
given the widest discretion in the matter of outfit; I could draw upon the
royal treasury for any sum that I might require, and upon the royal
university for all the scientific apparatus and assistance necessary to my
purpose. Declining these encumbrances, I took my electric rifle and a
portable waterproof case containing a few simple instruments and writing
materials and set out. Among the instruments was, of course, an aerial
isochronophone which I set by the one in the Ahkoond's private dining-room
at the palace. His Majesty invariably dined alone at 18 o'clock, and sat
at table six hours: it was my intention to send him all my reports at the
hour of 23, just as dessert would be served, and he would be in a proper
frame of mind to appreciate my discoveries and my services to the crown.
At 9 o'clock on the 13th of Meijh I left Sanf Rachisco and after a tedious
journey of nearly fifty minutes arrived at Bolosson, the eastern terminus
of the magnetic tube, on the summit of the Ultimate Hills. According to
Tucker this was anciently a station on the Central Peaceful Railway, and
was called "German," in honor of an illustrious dancing master. Prof.
Nupper, however, says it was the ancient Nevraska, the capital of Kikago,
and geographers generally have accepted that view.
Finding nothing at Bolosson to interest me except a fine view of the
volcano Carlema, then in active eruption, I shouldered my electric rifle
and with my case of instruments strapped upon my back plunged at once into
the wilderness, down the eastern slope. As I descended the character of
the vegetation altered. The pines of the higher altitudes gave place to
oaks, these to ash, beech and maple. To these succeeded the tamarack and
such trees as affect a moist and marshy habitat; and finally, when for
four months I had been steadily descending, I found myself in a primeval
flora consisting mainly of giant ferns, some of them as much as twenty
_surindas_ in diameter. They grew upon the margins of vast stagnant lakes
which I was compelled to navigate by means of rude rafts made from their
trunks lashed together with vines.
In the fauna of the region that I had traversed I had noted changes
corresponding to those in the flora. On the upper slope there was nothing
but the mountain sheep, but I passed successively through the habitats of
the bear, the deer and the horse. This last mentioned creature, which our
naturalists have believed long extinct, and which Dorbley declares our
ancestors domesticated, I found in vast numbers on high table lands
covered with grass upon which it feeds. The animal answers the current
description of the horse very nearly, but all that I saw were destitute of
the horns, and none had the characteristic forked tail. This member, on
the contrary, is a tassel of straight wiry hair, reaching nearly to the
ground--a surprising sight. Lower still I came upon the mastodon, the
lion, the tiger, hippopotamus and alligator, all differing very little
from those infesting Central Europe, as described in my "Travels in the
Forgotten Continent."
In the lake region where I now found myself, the waters abounded with
ichthyosauri, and along the margins the iguanodon dragged his obscene bulk
in indolent immunity. Great flocks of pterodactyls, their bodies as large
as those of oxen and their necks enormously long, clamored and fought in
the air, the broad membranes of their wings making a singular musical
humming, unlike anything that I had ever heard. Between them and the
ichthyosauri there was incessant battle, and I was constantly reminded of
the ancient poet's splendid and original comparison of man to
dragons of the prime
That tare each other in their slime.
When brought down with my electric rifle and properly roasted, the
pterodactyl proved very good eating, particularly the pads of the toes.
In urging my raft along the shore line of one of the stagnant lagoons one
day I was surprised to find a broad rock jutting out from the shore, its
upper surface some ten _coprets_ above the water. Disembarking, I ascended
it, and on examination recognized it as the remnant of an immense mountain
which at one time must have been 5,000 _coprets_ in height and doubtless
the dominating peak of a long range. From the striations all over it I
discovered that it had been worn away to its present trivial size by
glacial action. Opening my case of instruments, I took out my
petrochronologue and applied it to the worn and scratched surface of the
rock. The indicator at once pointed to K 59 xpc ½! At this astonishing
result I was nearly overcome by excitement: the last erosions of the
ice-masses upon this vestige of a stupendous mountain range which they had
worn away, had been made as recently as the year 1945! Hastily applying my
nymograph, I found that the name of this particular mountain at the time
when it began to be enveloped in the mass of ice moving down upon it from
the north, was "Pike's Peak." Other observations with other instruments
showed that at that time the country circumjacent to it had been inhabited
by a partly civilized race of people known as Galoots, the name of their
capital city being Denver.
That evening at the hour of 23 I set up my aerial isochronophone[3] and
reported to his gracious Majesty the Ahkoond as follows:
[3] This satire was published in the San Francisco _Examiner_ many
years before the invention of wireless telegraphy; so I retain
my own name for the instrument.--A.B.
"_Sire:_ I have the honor to report that I have made a startling
discovery. The primeval region into which I have penetrated, as I informed
you yesterday--the ichthyosaurus belt--was peopled by tribes considerably
advanced in some of the arts almost within historic times: in 1920. They
were exterminated by a glacial period not exceeding one hundred and
twenty-five years in duration. Your Majesty can conceive the magnitude and
violence of the natural forces which overwhelmed their country with moving
sheets of ice not less that 5,000 _coprets_ in thickness, grinding down
every eminence, destroying (of course) all animal and vegetable life and
leaving the region a fathomless bog of detritus. Out of this vast sea of
mud Nature has had to evolve another creation, beginning _de novo_, with
her lowest forms. It has long been known, your Majesty, that the region
east of the Ultimate Hills, betwen them and the Wintry Sea, was once the
seat of an ancient civilization, some scraps and shreds of whose history,
arts and literature have been wafted to us across the gulf of time; but it
was reserved for your gracious Majesty, through me, your humble and
unworthy instrument, to ascertain the astonishing fact that these were a
pre-glacial people--that between them and us stands, as it were, a wall of
impenetrable ice. That all local records of this unfortunate race have
perished your Majesty needs not to be told: we can supplement our present
imperfect knowledge of them by instrumental observation only."
To this message I received the following extraordinary reply:
"All right--another bottle of--ice goes: push on--this cheese is
too--spare no effort to--hand me those nuts--learn all you can--damn you!"
His most gracious Majesty was being served with dessert, and served badly.
I now resolved to go directly north toward the source of the ice-flow and
investigate its cause, but examining my barometer found that I was more
than 8,000 _coprets_ below the sea-level; the moving ice had not only
ground down the face of the country, planing off the eminences and filling
the depressions, but its enormous weight had caused the earth's crust to
sag, and with the lessening of the weight from evaporation it had not
recovered.
I had no desire to continue in this depression, as I should in going
north, for I should find nothing but lakes, marshes and ferneries,
infested with the same primitive and monstrous forms of life. So I
continued my course eastward and soon had the satisfaction to find myself
meeting the sluggish current of such streams as I encountered in my way.
By vigorous use of the new double-distance telepode, which enables the
wearer to step eighty _surindas_ instead of forty, as with the instrument
in popular use, I was soon again at a considerable elevation above the
sea-level and nearly 200 _prastams_ from "Pike's Peak." A little farther
along the water courses began to flow to the eastward. The flora and fauna
had again altered in character, and now began to grow sparse; the soil was
thin and arid, and in a week I found myself in a region absolutely
destitute of organic life and without a vestige of soil. All was barren
rock. The surface for hundreds of _prastams_, as I continued my advance,
was nearly level, with a slight dip to the eastward. The rock was
singularly striated, the scratches arranged concentrically and in
helicoidal curves. This circumstance puzzled me and I resolved to take
some more instrumental observations, bitterly regretting my improvidence
in not availing myself of the Ahkoond's permission to bring with me such
apparatus and assistants as would have given me knowledge vastly more
copious and accurate than I could acquire with my simple pocket
appliances.
I need not here go into the details of my observations with such
instruments as I had, nor into the calculations of which these
observations were the basic data. Suffice it that after two months' labor
I reported the results to his Majesty in Sanf Rachisco in the words
following:
"_Sire:_ It is my high privilege to apprise you of my arrival on the
western slope of a mighty depression running through the center of the
continent north and south, formerly known as the Mississippi Valley. It
was once the seat of a thriving and prosperous population known as the
Pukes, but is now a vast expanse of bare rock, from which every particle
of soil and everything movable, including people, animals and vegetation,
have been lifted by terrific cyclones and scattered afar, falling in other
lands and at sea in the form of what was called meteoric dust! I find that
these terrible phenomena began to occur about the year 1860, and lasted,
with increasing frequency and power, through a century, culminating about
the middle of that glacial period which saw the extinction of the Galoots
and their neighboring tribes. There was, of course, a close connection
between the two malefic phenomena, both, doubtless, being due to the same
cause, which I have been unable to trace. A cyclone, I venture to remind
your gracious Majesty, is a mighty whirlwind, accompanied by the most
startling meteorological phenomena, such as electrical disturbances,
floods of falling water, darkness and so forth. It moves with great speed,
sucking up everything and reducing it to powder. In many days' journey I
have not found a square _copret_ of the country that did not suffer a
visitation. If any human being escaped he must speedily have perished from
starvation. For some twenty centuries the Pukes have been an extinct race,
and their country a desolation in which no living thing can dwell, unless,
like me, it is supplied with Dr. Blobob's Condensed Life-pills."
The Ahkoond replied that he was pleased to feel the most poignant grief
for the fate of the unfortunate Pukes, and if I should by chance find the
ancient king of the country I was to do my best to revive him with the
patent resuscitator and present him the assurances of his Majesty's
distinguished consideration; but as the politoscope showed that the nation
had been a republic I gave myself no trouble in the matter.
My next report was made six months later and was in substance this:
"_Sire:_ I address your Majesty from a point 430 _coprets_ vertically above
the site of the famous ancient city of Buffalo, once the capital of a
powerful nation called the Smugwumps. I can approach no nearer because of
the hardness of the snow, which is very firmly packed. For hundreds of
_prastams_ in every direction, and for thousands to the north and west, the
land is covered with this substance, which, as your Majesty is doubtless
aware, is extremely cold to the touch, but by application of sufficient
heat can be turned into water. It falls from the heavens, and is believed
by the learned among your Majesty's subjects to have a sidereal origin.
"The Smugwumps were a hardy and intelligent race, but they entertained the
vain delusion that they could subdue Nature. Their year was divided into
two seasons--summer and winter, the former warm, the latter cold. About
the beginning of the nineteenth century according to my archæthermograph,
the summers began to grow shorter and hotter, the winters longer and
colder. At every point in their country, and every day in the year, when
they had not the hottest weather ever known in that place, they had the
coldest. When they were not dying by hundreds from sunstroke they were
dying by thousands from frost. But these heroic and devoted people
struggled on, believing that they were becoming acclimated faster than the
climate was becoming insupportable. Those called away on business were
even afflicted with nostalgia, and with a fatal infatuation returned to
grill or freeze, according to the season of their arrival. Finally there
was no summer at all, though the last flash of heat slew several millions
and set most of their cities afire, and winter reigned eternal.
"The Smugwumps were now keenly sensible of the perils environing them,
and, abandoning their homes, endeavored to reach their kindred, the
Californians, on the western side of the continent in what is now your
Majesty's ever-blessed realm. But it was too late: the snow growing deeper
and deeper day by day, besieged them in their towns and dwellings, and
they were unable to escape. The last one of them perished about the year
1943, and may God have mercy on his fool soul!"
To this dispatch the Ahkoond replied that it was the royal opinion that
the Smugwumps were served very well right.
Some weeks later I reported thus:
"_Sire:_ The country which your Majesty's munificence is enabling your
devoted servant to explore extends southward and southwestward from
Smugwumpia many hundreds of _prastams_, its eastern and southern borders
being the Wintry Sea and the Fiery Gulf, respectively. The population in
ancient times was composed of Whites and Blacks in about equal numbers and
of about equal moral worth--at least that is the record on the dial of my
ethnograph when set for the twentieth century and given a southern
exposure. The Whites were called Crackers and the Blacks known as Coons.
"I find here none of the barrenness and desolation characterizing the land
of the ancient Pukes, and the climate is not so rigorous and thrilling as
that of the country of the late Smugwumps. It is, indeed, rather agreeable
in point of temperature, and the soil being fertile exceedingly, the whole
land is covered with a dense and rank vegetation. I have yet to find a
square _smig_ of it that is open ground, or one that is not the lair of
some savage beast, the haunt of some venomous reptile, or the roost of
some offensive bird. Crackers and Coons alike are long extinct, and these
are their successors.
"Nothing could be more forbidding and unwholesome than these interminable
jungles, with their horrible wealth of organic life in its most
objectionable forms. By repeated observations with the necrohistoriograph
I find that the inhabitants of this country, who had always been more or
less dead, were wholly extirpated contemporaneously with the disastrous
events which swept away the Galoots, the Pukes and the Smugwumps. The
agency of their effacement was an endemic disorder known as yellow fever.
The ravages of this frightful disease were of frequent recurrence, every
point of the country being a center of infection; but in some seasons it
was worse than in others. Once in every half century at first, and
afterward every year[4] it broke out somewhere and swept over wide areas
with such fatal effect that there were not enough of the living to plunder
the dead; but at the first frost it would subside. During the ensuing two
or three months of immunity the stupid survivors returned to the infected
homes from which they had fled and were ready for the next outbreak.
Emigration would have saved them all, but although the Californians (over
whose happy and prosperous descendants your Majesty has the goodness to
reign) invited them again and again to their beautiful land, where
sickness and death were hardly known, they would not go, and by the year
1946 the last one of them, may it please your gracious Majesty, was dead
and damned."
[4] At one time it was foolishly believed that the disease had been
eradicated by slapping the mosquitoes which were thought to
produce it; but a few years later it broke out with greater
violence than ever before, although the mosquitoes had left the
country.
Having spoken this into the transmitter of the aerial isochronophone at
the usual hour of 23 o'clock I applied the receiver to my ear, confidently
expecting the customary commendation. Imagine my astonishment and dismay
when my master's well-remembered voice was heard in utterance of the most
awful imprecations on me and my work, followed by appalling threats
against my life!
The Ahkoond had changed his dinner-time to five hours later and I had been
speaking into the ears of an empty stomach!