Through the happy accident of having a mole on the left side of my nose,
as had also a cousin of the Prime Minister, I obtained a royal rescript
permitting me to speak to the great Juptka-Getch, and went humbly to his
dwelling, which, to my astonishment, I found to be an unfurnished cave in
the side of a mountain. Inexpressibly surprised to observe that a favorite
of the sovereign and the people was so meanly housed, I ventured, after my
salutation, to ask how this could be so. Regarding me with an indulgent
smile, the venerable man, who was about two hundred and fifty years old
and entirely bald, explained.
"In one of our Sacred Books, of which we have three thousand," said he,
"it is written, '_Golooloo ek wakwah betenka_,' and in another, '_Jebeb uq
seedroy im aboltraqu ocrux ti smelkit_.'"
Translated, these mean, respectively, "The poor are blessed," and, "Heaven
is not easily entered by those who are rich."
I asked Juptka-Getch if his countrymen really gave to these texts a
practical application in the affairs of life.
"Why, surely," he replied, "you cannot think us such fools as to disregard
the teachings of our gods! That would be madness. I cannot imagine a
people so mentally and morally depraved as that! Can you?"
Observing me blushing and stammering, he inquired the cause of my
embarrassment. "The thought of so incredible a thing confuses me," I
managed to reply. "But tell me if in your piety and wisdom you really
stripped yourself of all your property in order to obey the gods and get
the benefit of indigence."
"I did not have to do so," he replied with a smile; "my King attended to
that. When he wishes to distinguish one of his subjects by a mark of his
favor, he impoverishes him to such a degree as will attest the exact
measure of the royal approbation. I am proud to say that he took from me
all that I had."
"But, pardon me," I said; "how does it occur that among a people which
regards poverty as the greatest earthly good all are not poor? I observe
here as much wealth and 'prosperity' as in my own country."
Juptka-Getch smiled and after a few moments answered: "The only person in
this country that owns anything is the King; in the service of his people
he afflicts himself with that burden. All property, of whatsoever kind, is
his, to do with as he will. He divides it among his subjects in the ratio
of their demerit, as determined by the _waguks_--local officers--whose
duty it is to know personally every one in their jurisdiction. To the most
desperate and irreclaimable criminals is allotted the greatest wealth,
which is taken from them, little by little, as they show signs of
reformation."
"But what," said I, "is to prevent the wicked from becoming poor at any
time? How can the King and his officers keep the unworthy, suffering the
punishment and peril of wealth, from giving it away?"
"To whom, for example?" replied the illustrious man, taking the forefinger
of his right hand into his mouth, as is the fashion in Ghargaroo when
awaiting an important communication. The respectful formality of the
posture imperfectly concealed the irony of the question, but I was not of
the kind to be easily silenced.
"One might convert one's property into money," I persisted, "and throw the
money into the sea."
Juptka-Getch released the finger and gravely answered: "Every person in
Ghargaroo is compelled by law to keep minute accounts of his income and
expenditures, and must swear to them. There is an annual appraisement by
the _waguk_, and any needless decrease in the value of an estate is
punished by breaking the offender's legs. Expenditures for luxuries and
high living are, of course, approved, for it is universally known among
us, and attested by many popular proverbs, that the pleasures of the rich
are vain and disappointing. So they are considered a part of the
punishment, and not only allowed but required. A man sentenced to wealth
who lives frugally, indulging in only rational and inexpensive delights,
has his ears cut off for the first offense, and for the second is
compelled to pass six months at court, participating in all the gaieties,
extravagances and pleasures of the capital, and----"
"Most illustrious of mortals," I said, turning a somersault--the
Ghargarese manner of interrupting a discourse without offense--"I am as
the dust upon your beard, but in my own country I am esteemed no fool, and
right humbly do I perceive that you are _ecxroptug nemk puttog peleemy_."
This expression translates, literally, "giving me a fill," a phrase
without meaning in our tongue, but in Ghargarese it appears to imply
incredulity.
"The gaieties of the King's court," I continued, "must be expensive. The
courtiers of the sovereign's entourage, the great officers of the
realm--surely they are not condemned to wealth, like common criminals!"
"My son," said Juptka-Getch, tearing out a handful of his beard to signify
his tranquillity under accusation, "your doubt of my veracity is noted
with satisfaction, but it is not permitted to you to impeach my
sovereign's infallible knowledge of character. His courtiers, the great
officers of the realm, as you truly name them, are the richest men in the
country because he knows them to be the greatest rascals. After each
annual reapportionment of the national wealth he settles upon them the
unallotted surplus."
Prostrating myself before the eminent philosopher, I craved his pardon for
my doubt of his sovereign's wisdom and consistency, and begged him to cut
off my head.
"Nay," he said, "you have committed the unpardonable sin and I cannot
consent to bestow upon you the advantages of death. You shall continue to
live the thing that you are."
"What!" I cried, remembering the Lalugwumps and Gnarmag-Zote, "is it
thought in Ghargaroo that death is an advantage, a blessing?"
"Our Sacred Books," he said, "are full of texts affirming the vanity of
life."
"Then," I said, "I infer that the death penalty is unknown to your laws!"
"We have the life penalty instead. Convicted criminals are not only
enriched, as already explained, but by medical attendance kept alive as
long as possible. On the contrary, the very righteous, who have been
rewarded with poverty, are permitted to die whenever it pleases them.
"Do not the Sacred Books of your country teach the vanity of life, the
blessedness of poverty and the wickedness of wealth?"
"They do, O Most Illustrious, they do."
"And your countrymen believe?"
"Surely--none but the foolish and depraved entertain a doubt."
"Then I waste my breath in expounding laws and customs already known to
you. You have, of course, the same."
At this I averted my face and blushed so furiously that the walls of the
cave were illuminated with a wavering crimson like the light of a great
conflagration! Thinking that the capital city was ablaze, Juptka-Getch ran
from the cave's mouth, crying, "Fire, fire!" and I saw him no more.