_[Gothenburg] August 26 [1795]._
I arrived here last night, and with the most exquisite delight, once more
pressed my babe to my heart. We shall part no more. You perhaps cannot
conceive the pleasure it gave me, to see her run about, and play alone.
Her increasing intelligence attaches me more and more to her. I have
promised her that I will fulfil my duty to her; and nothing in future
shall make me forget it. I will also exert myself to obtain an
independence for her; but I will not be too anxious on this head.
I have already told you, that I have recovered my health. Vigour, and even
vivacity of mind, have returned with a renovated constitution. As for
peace, we will not talk of it. I was not made, perhaps, to enjoy the calm
contentment so termed.--
* * * * *
You tell me that my letters torture you; I will not describe the effect
yours have on me. I received three this morning, the last dated the 7th of
this month. I mean not to give vent to the emotions they
produced.--Certainly you are right; our minds are not congenial. I have
lived in an ideal world, and fostered sentiments that you do not
comprehend--or you would not treat me thus. I am not, I will not be,
merely an object of compassion--a clog, however light, to teize you.
Forget that I exist: I will never remind you. Something emphatical
whispers me to put an end to these struggles. Be free--I will not torment,
when I cannot please. I can take care of my child; you need not
continually tell me that our fortune is inseparable, _that you will try to
cherish tenderness_ for me. Do no violence to yourself! When we are
separated, our interest, since you give so much weight to pecuniary
considerations, will be entirely divided. I want not protection without
affection; and support I need not, whilst my faculties are undisturbed. I
had a dislike to living in England; but painful feelings must give way to
superior considerations. I may not be able to acquire the sum necessary to
maintain my child and self elsewhere. It is too late to go to
Switzerland. I shall not remain at ----, living expensively. But be not
alarmed! I shall not force myself on you any more.
Adieu! I am agitated--my whole frame is convulsed--my lips tremble, as if
shook by cold, though fire seems to be circulating in my veins.
God bless you.