IDEALS AND ASPIRATIONS
A sudden rigidity seemed to affect Mrs. Raymore from the waist upwards.
Her back grew stiff, her head rose very straight from the neck, her eyes
looked fixedly in front of her, her lips were tight shut. These symptoms
were due to the fact that she saw Tom Courtland approaching, in company
with a woman who was certainly not Lady Harriet. Thanks to the gossip
about among Tom's friends, Kate Raymore guessed who she was; the woman's
gorgeous attire, her flamboyant manner, the air of good-natured rowdyism
which she carried with her, all confirmed the guess. Yet Tom was walking
with her in the broad light of day--not in the street, it is true; it
was in a rather retired part of the Park. Still, people came there and
drove by there, and to many his companion was known by sight and by
repute. His conduct betrayed increasing recklessness. There was nothing
to do but to pass him by without notice; he himself would wish nothing
else and would expect nothing else. Still Mrs. Raymore was sorry to have
to do it; for Tom had been kind and helpful in obtaining that position
in a railway company's office in Buenos Ayres which had covered the
disastrous retreat of her well-beloved son.
This lamentable affair had been hushed up so far as the outer world was
concerned; but their friends knew the truth. In the first terrible days,
when there had been imminent risk of a criminal prosecution, Raymore had
rather lost his head and had gone round to Grantley Imason, to Tom
Courtland, to John Fanshaw, making lament and imploring advice. So they
all knew--they and their wives; and the poor boy's sister Eva had been
told, perforce. There the public shame stopped, but the private shame
was very bitter to the Raymores. Raymore was driven to accuse himself of
all kinds of faults in his bringing-up of the boy--of having been too
indulgent here or too strict there--most of all, of having been so
engrossed in business as not to see enough of the boy or to keep proper
watch on his disposition and companions, and the way he spent his time.
Kate Raymore, who even now could not get it out of her head that her boy
was a paragon, was possessed by a more primitive feeling. To her the
thing was a nemesis. She had been too content, too sure all was well
with their household, too uplifted in her kindly but rather scornful
judgment of the difficulties and follies which the Courtland family, and
the Fanshaw family, and other families of her acquaintance had brought
before her eyes. She had fallen too much into the pose of the judge, the
critic, and the censor. Well, she had trouble enough of her own now; and
that, to say nothing of Tom's kindness about Buenos Ayres, made her
sorrier to have to cut him in the Park.
She was a religious woman, of a type now often considered old-fashioned.
The nemesis which she instinctively acknowledged she accepted as a just
and direct chastisement of Heaven. Her husband was impatient with this
view, but he had more sympathy with the merciful alleviation of her
sorrow which Heaven had sent. In the hour of affliction her son's heart,
which had wandered from her in the waywardness of his heady youth, had
come back to her. They could share holy memories of hours spent before
Charley went, after forgiveness had been offered and received, and they
were all drawn very close together. With these memories in their hearts
they could endure, and with a confident hope look forward to, their
son's future. Meanwhile they who remained were nearer in heart too. Eva,
who had been inclined to flightiness, was frightened and sobered into a
greater tenderness and a more willing obedience; and Edgar Raymore
himself, when once he had pulled himself together, had behaved so well
and been such a help to his wife in the trial that their old relations
of mellow friendship took on a more intimate and affectionate character.
It was Sibylla Imason whom Mrs. Raymore chose to pour out these feelings
to. Who could better share them than the young wife still in the first
pride and glory of her motherhood?
"Children bring you together and keep you together, whether in trouble
or in joy. That's one reason why everybody ought to have children," Kate
Raymore said with a rather tremulous smile. "If there are none, there's
such a danger of the whole thing getting old and cold, and--and
worn-out, you know."
Sibylla was in wonderful health now, and at the best of her looks. Her
manner too had grown more composed and less impulsive, although she kept
her old graciousness. To Kate Raymore she seemed very fair and good to
gaze on. She listened with a thoughtful gravity and the wonted hint of
questioning or seeking in her eyes. There was a hint of pain in them
also, and of this Mrs. Raymore presently became aware.
"That's how it ought to be," said Sibylla. "But--well, the Courtlands
have children too."
The remark struck Kate Raymore as rather odd, coming from Sibylla, and
associated with the hint of pain in Sibylla's eyes; but she was just now
engrossed in her own feelings. She went on describing family life on the
true lines--she wouldn't have it that they were unreal or merely
ideal--and was quite content that Sibylla should listen.
Sibylla did listen; it was easier to do that than to talk on the subject
herself. But she listened without much interest. It was old ground to
her, broken by imagination, if not by experience--very familiar to her
thoughts some months before. She had lived with--nay, seemed to live
on--such ideas in the early days of her marriage, before the accident
and all that had come from it. The things Kate Raymore said were no
doubt true sometimes; but they were not true for her. That was the
upshot of the matter. They were not true for Grantley Imason's wife, nor
for the mother of his child. Her reason, dominated by emotion and almost
as impulsive as its ruler, had brought her to that conclusion before
ever her child was born. It dated from the night when she battled with
Grantley, and she had never wavered in it since. She had abandoned hope
of the ideal.
What of that? Do not most people have to abandon the ideal? Many of them
do it readily enough, even with a secret sense of relief, since there is
always something of a strain about an ideal: it is, in famous phrase, so
categorically imperative. But Sibylla was a stickler for ideals; they
were what she dealt in, what she proposed to barter and to bargain with;
she had no place in her stock for humbler wares. Ideals or nothing! And,
in the ideal, wifehood and motherhood were so indissolubly united that
the failure of one soured her joy in the other. She loved the little
child, but loved him with bitterness. He had become the symbol of her
lost ideal.
But she did not say this to Kate Raymore, for with the loss of the ideal
comes a certain shame of it. We see it then as we did not before, as we
know now that others--so many others--see it; and we veil the broken
image. The heart, once its throne, becomes its hiding-place.
All this was not for Kate Raymore. She must be left to wonder that
Sibylla said so little about the baby--left to be amazed at an apparent
coldness in the young mother--left to miss gracious extravagances of
maternal joy and pride. For if Sibylla could not be open, neither would
she play the hypocrite by parading a light-hearted enjoyment and
exultation in the child. How should she display the boy and her proud
pleasure in him to the world outside, when her pleasure was not shared
at home, and her pride made her love covert there?
Christine Fanshaw, sharply guessing, had cried once:
"But surely Grantley's manner is irreproachable?"
Even now Sibylla's humour rose at the challenge.
"Yes, irreproachable. Of course it would be. All through, his solicitude
for both of us was--beautiful! Even Mumples was shaken!"
"Shaken? Why, I thought----"
"Shaken in her bad opinion, I mean, Christine dear. Yes, if ever a man
did his duty, did and said all the proper things, Grantley did. And he
wasn't the least angry with me; he was only annoyed with Adam and Eve,
you know. Of course he was awfully busy just then: County Council
elections and what not. But you'd never have guessed it. He never seemed
hurried, and he was always very--very solicitous."
"And now, Sibylla?"
"Just the same--and quite pleased. Only I think he wishes babies were
like kittens--more animated and growing up quicker, you know. We happen
to have a kitten, and I think he's more at his ease with that."
"Nonsense! Men are men, you know."
"Most of them seem to be," admitted Sibylla.
"It would be becoming," Christine observed, "if you recollected that
you'd been in the wrong all through. You believed in the wrong doctor,
you wanted the wrong thing, you were quite unreasonable. Hadn't you
better remember that?"
"I do remember it. And if you want another admission--well, Grantley
never reminds me of it by a look or a word."
"He's very much of a gentleman, Sibylla."
"He's never the least ungentlemanlike, Christine."
Christine enjoyed a distinction; she laughed gently.
"And you're a very lucky woman," she went on.
"Don't I say so in my prayers?"
"In a very dangerous state of mind."
Christine's eyes were set on her friend. Sibylla met them full and
square. Her mirth, real or affected, vanished. She looked hard at
Christine, and made no answer for a moment.
"Yes, I suppose I know what you mean by that," she said at last.
"It's so much easier to despair of your husband than of anybody else in
the world--except your wife."
"I try to consider him a type."
"Well, don't find an exception. Oh, I'm not talking at random. I know!"
She paused a moment and then went on: "There's a question I should like
to ask you, but I suppose it's a question nobody ought to ask; it's too
impertinent, even for me, I'm afraid."
Sibylla looked at her, and a faint touch of colour rose on her cheeks.
There was a little defiance about her manner, as though she were
accused, and stood on her defence rather uneasily. She understood what
question it was that even Christine could not ask.
"Grantley and I are--perfectly good friends," she said.
Christine's next question was drawled out in a lazy murmur, and was
never completed, apparently from mere indolence.
"It's you who----?"
Sibylla nodded in an abrupt decisive fashion.
"And who do you see most of?" asked Christine.
The colour deepened a little on Sibylla's face.
"That doesn't follow. Don't talk like that."
"I've gone a great deal too far?"
"I really think you have, rather, and without an atom of reason."
"Oh, entirely! I apologise. That sort of thing happens to be--to be in
my thoughts."
Sibylla, in some anger, had risen to go. The last words arrested her
movement, and she stood in the middle of the room, looking down on
Christine's little figure, nestling in a big armchair.
"Your thoughts? That sort of thing in your thoughts?"
"Oh, entirely in retrospect, my dear; and it generally comes of not
being appreciated, and of wanting an outlet for--for--well, for
something or other, you know."
"Are you going to speak plainly, Christine?"
"Not for worlds, my dear! Are you going to drop my acquaintance?"
"Why is it in your thoughts? You say it's--it's all in the past?"
"Really I'm beginning to doubt if there's such a thing as the past; and
if there isn't, it makes everything so much worse! I thought it was all
done with--done with long ago; and now it isn't. It's just all--all over
my life, as it used to be. And I--I'm afraid again. And I'm lying again.
It means so many lies, you know." She looked up at Sibylla with a
plaintiveness coloured by malice. "So if I've been impertinent, just put
it down to what I happen to be thinking about, my dear."
Sibylla stood very quiet, saying nothing. Christine went on after a
minute:
"Can't you manage to be wrapped up in the baby, my dear?"
"No, I can't." The answer was hard and unhesitating. "You've told me
something people don't generally tell. I'll tell you something that I
didn't think I ever should tell. I love my baby--and sometimes I hate to
have to see him." Her eyes were on Christine's face, and there was
distress--hopeless distress--in them. "Now I should think you'd drop my
acquaintance," she ended with a laugh.
"Oh, I've never had a baby--I'm not shocked to death. But--but why,
Sibylla?"
"Surely you can guess why! It's horrible, but it's not unintelligible,
surely?"
"No, I suppose it's not," Christine sighed.
Christine's legs had been curled up on her chair; she let them down to
the ground and rose to her feet.
"That's all from both of us for to-day?" she asked, with a wry smile.
"All for to-day, I think," answered Sibylla, buttoning her glove.
"I meant to be--friendly."
"You have been. I never guessed anything--anything of what you've
said--about you."
"Nobody hinted it? Not even Harriet Courtland? She knew."
"I never see her. How did she know?"
"She was my great friend then. Rather funny, isn't it? I'm told Tom's
getting quite regardless of appearances."
"Oh, I can't bear to talk about that!"
"No? Well, you can think of it now and then, can't you? It's rather
wholesome to reflect how other people look when they're doing the things
that you want----"
"Christine! Good-bye!"
"Oh, good-bye, my dear! And take care of yourself. Oh, I only mean the
wind's cold."
But her look denied the harmless meaning she claimed for her parting
words.
Grantley's attitude admits of simpler definition than his wife's. He
attributed to her an abnormally prolonged and obstinate fit of sulks.
People who have been in the wrong are generally sulky; that went a long
way to account for it. Add thereto Sibylla's extreme expectations of a
world and of an institution both of which deal mostly with compromises
and arrangements short of the ideal, and the case seemed to him clear
enough and not altogether unnatural, however vexatious it might be. He
flew to no tragical or final conclusion. He did not despair; but neither
did he struggle. He made no advances; his pride was too wounded, and his
reason too affronted for that. On the other hand he offered no
provocation. The irreproachability of his manner continued; the
inaccessibility of his feelings increased. He devoted his mind to his
work, public and commercial; and he waited for Sibylla to come to her
senses. Given his theory of the case, he deserved credit for much
courtesy, much patience, and entire consistency of purpose. And he,
unlike Sibylla, neither talked to intimate friends nor invited questions
from them. Both pride and wisdom forbade. Finally, while he acknowledged
great discomfort (including a disagreeable element of the ludicrous),
the idea of danger never crossed his mind; he would have laughed at
Christine Fanshaw's warning, had it been addressed to him.
Whatever Sibylla's faults, levity was not among them, and danger in
Christine's sense--danger of a break-up of the household, as
distinguished from a continuance of it, however unsatisfactory that
continuance might be--there would probably have been none, had not
Walter Blake, after a lively, but not very profitable, youth, wanted to
reform his life. He might have wanted to be wicked without creating any
peril at all for the Imason household. But he wanted to be good, and he
wanted Sibylla to make him good. This idea had occurred to him quite
early in their acquaintance. He too had a faculty--even a facility--for
idealising. He idealised Sibylla into the image of goodness and purity,
which would turn him from sin and folly by making virtue and wisdom not
better (which of course they were already), but more attractive and more
pleasurable. If they were made more attractive and more pleasurable, he
would be eager to embrace them. Besides he had had a good deal of the
alternatives, without ever being really content with them. By this time
he was firmly convinced that he must be good, and that Sibylla, and
Sibylla alone, could make him good. He did not at all think out what the
process was to be, nor whither it might lead. He had never planned much,
nor looked where things led to. Until they led to something alarming, he
did not consider the question much. How she was to reform him he seemed
to leave to Sibylla, but his demand that she should do it grew more and
more explicit.
This was to attack Sibylla on her weak spot, to aim an arrow true at the
joint in her harness. For (one is tempted to say, unfortunately) she
knew the only way in which people could be reformed and made good, and
caused to feel that wisdom and virtue were not only better (which of
course they felt already), but also more pleasurable than folly and sin.
(People who want to be reformed are sometimes, it must be admitted, a
little exacting.) That could be done only by sympathy and understanding.
And if they are thorough, sympathy and understanding compose, or depend
on, or issue in love--in the best kind of love, where friend gives
himself unreservedly to friend, entering into every feeling, and being
privy to every thought. This close and intimate connection must be
established before one mind can, lever-like, raise another, and the
process of reformation be begun. So much is old ground, often trodden
and with no pretence of novelty about it. But much of the power of a
proposition may depend not on its soundness, but on the ardour with
which it is seized upon, and the conviction with which it is held--which
things, again, depend on the character and temper of the believer.
Sibylla's character and temper made the proposition extraordinarily
convincing. Her circumstances, as she conceived them, were equally
provocative in the same direction. What was wrong with her? In the end
that she was not wanted, or not wanted enough, that she had more to give
than had been asked of her, and no outlet (as Christine had put it)
sufficient to relieve the press of her emotions. It was almost
inevitable that she should respond to Blake's appeal. He was an outlet.
He was somebody who wanted her very much, whom she could help, with whom
she could expand, to whom she could give what she had to give in such
abundant measure.
Thus far the first stage. The next was not reached. There was plenty of
time yet. Sibylla loved the child. Blake had set up his idol, but he had
not yet declared that he was the only devotee who knew how properly to
honour and to worship it.
He sat watching Sibylla as she played with her baby-boy. He took a hand
in the game now and then, since, for a bachelor, he was at his ease with
babies; but most of the time he watched. But he watched sympathetically;
Sibylla did not fear to show her love before his eyes. The baby was very
young for games--for any that a man could play. But Sibylla knew some
that he liked; he gave evidence of a strangely dawning pleasure distinct
from physical contentment--of wonder, of amusement, of an appreciation
of fun, of delight in the mock assaults and the queer noises which his
mother directed at him. Sometimes he made nice, queer, gurgling noises
himself, full of luxurious content, like a cat's purring, and laden with
a surprise, as though all this was very new. She had infinite patience
in seeking these signs of approval; half a dozen attempts would miscarry
before she succeeded in tickling the infant groping senses. When she hit
the mark, she had infinite delight. She would give a cry of joy and turn
round to Blake for approval and applause; it was a very difficult thing,
but she had kept confidence in her instinct, and she had won the day!
Spurred to fresh effort, she returned to her loved work. A gurgle from
the little parted lips, a movement of the wide-open little eyes--eyes of
that marvellous transient blue--marked a new triumph.
"Isn't he wonderful?" she called to Blake over her shoulder.
"Oh, yes, rather!" he laughed, and added, after a short moment: "And so
are you."
Sibylla was not looking for compliments. She laughed gaily and went back
to her work.
"But can't he talk, Mrs. Imason?"
"How silly you are! But he's just wonderful for his age as he is."
"Oh, they all are!"
He was so obviously feigning scorn that Sibylla only shook her head at
him in merry glee.
Was not this the real, the great thing? Blake's mind, disengaging from
the past memories of what had once been its delights, and turning now in
distaste from them, declared that it was. Nature had the secret of the
keenest pleasure--it was to be found along nature's way. There pleasure
was true to a purpose, achieving a great end, concentrated in that, not
dissipated in passing and unfruitful joys. Blake was sure that he was
right now, sure that he wanted to be reformed, more sure than ever that
wisdom and virtue were more pleasurable (as well as being better) than
their opposites. A man of ready sensibility and quick feeling, he was
open to the suggestion and alive to the beauty of what he saw. It seemed
to him holy--and the feelings it evoked in him seemed almost holy too.
"Motherhood!" he said to himself, not knowing, at least not
acknowledging, that his true meaning was this woman as mother,
motherhood incarnate in her. Yet that it was. If his aspirations were
awake, his blood too was stirred. But the moment for that to come to
light was not yet. The good seemed still unalloyed, his high-soaring
aspirations were guiltless of self-knowledge.
Sibylla played with the child till she could play no more--till she
feared to tire him, she would have said--in truth till the tenderness
which had found a mask in the sport would conceal its face no more, and
in a spasm of love she caught the little creature to her, pressing her
face to his.
"Poor little darling!" Blake heard her say in a whisper full of pity as
well as of love.
Whence came the pity? The mother's natural fear that her sheltering may
not avail against all the world? Most likely it was only that. But the
pity was poignant, and he wondered vaguely.
They were thus, she and the child locked together, the young man dimly
picturing the truth as he watched, when Grantley Imason came in. A start
ran through Sibylla; she caught a last kiss from the little face, and
then laid her baby down. Swiftly she turned round to her husband. Blake
had risen, watching still--nay, more eagerly. For all he could do, his
eyes sought her face and rested there, trying to trace what feeling
found expression as she turned to her husband from her child.
"Glad to see you, Blake. Ah, you've got the little chap there!"
He chucked the child under its chin, as he went by, gently and
affectionately, and came with outstretched hand to his friend--for he
liked sunny impetuous young Blake, though he thought very lightly of
him. As they shook hands, Blake's eyes travelled past him, and dwelt
again on Sibylla. She stood by her child, and her regard was on her
husband. Then, for a moment, she met Blake's inquiring gaze. The
slightest smile came on her lips, just a touch of colour in her cheeks.
"Yes, but it's time for him to go upstairs," she said.
Grantley had passed on to the table, and was pouring himself out a cup
of tea. Sibylla walked across the room and rang the bell for the baby's
nurse. Blake took up his hat.
The spell was broken. What had it been and why was it dispelled? Blake
did not know, but turgid feelings mingled with his aspirations now, and
he looked at Grantley Imason with a new covert hostility.