"Well now," said Wimsey, "why do people kill people?"
He was sitting in Miss Katharine Climpson's private office. The
establishment was ostensibly a typing bureau, and indeed there were
three efficient female typists who did very excellent work for authors
and men of science from time to time. Apparently the business was
a large and flourishing one, for work frequently had to be refused
on the ground that the staff was working at full pressure. But on
other floors of the building there were other activities. All the
employees were women--mostly elderly, but a few still young and
attractive--and if the private register in the steel safe had been
consulted, it would have been seen that all these women were of the
class unkindly known as "superfluous." There were spinsters with
small fixed incomes, or no incomes at all; widows without family;
women deserted by peripatetic husbands and living on a restricted
alimony, who, previous to their engagement by Miss Climpson, had had
no resources but bridge and boarding-house gossip. There were retired
and disappointed school-teachers; out-of-work actresses; courageous
people who had failed with hat-shops and tea-parlours; and even a few
Bright Young Things, for whom the cocktail-party and the night-club
had grown boring. These women seemed to spend most of their time in
answering advertisements. Unmarried gentlemen who desired to meet
ladies possessed of competences, with a view to matrimony; sprightly
sexagenarians, who wanted housekeepers for remote country districts;
ingenious gentlemen with financial schemes on the look-out for capital;
literary gentlemen, anxious for female collaborators; plausible
gentlemen about to engage talent for productions in the provinces;
benevolent gentlemen, who could tell people how to make money in
their spare time--gentlemen such as these were very liable to receive
applications from members of Miss Climpson's staff. It may have been
coincidence that these gentlemen so very often had the misfortune
to appear shortly afterwards before the magistrate on charges of
fraud, blackmail or attempted procuration, but it is a fact that Miss
Climpson's office boasted a private telephone-line to Scotland Yard,
and that few of her ladies were quite so unprotected as they appeared.
It is also a fact that the money which paid for the rent and upkeep
of the premises might, by zealous enquirers, have been traced to Lord
Peter Wimsey's banking account. His lordship was somewhat reticent
about this venture of his, but occasionally, when closeted with
Chief-Inspector Parker or other intimate friends, referred to it as "My
Cattery."
Miss Climpson poured out a cup of tea before replying. She wore a
quantity of little bangles on her spare, lace-covered wrists, and they
chinked aggressively with every movement.
"I really don't know," she said, apparently taking the problem as
a psychological one, "it is so _dangerous_, as well as so terribly
_wicked_, one wonders that anybody has the _effrontery_ to undertake
it. And very often they gain so _little_ by it."
"That's what I mean," said Wimsey, "what do they set out to gain? Of
course, some people seem to do it for the fun of the thing, like that
German female, what's her name, who enjoyed seeing people die."
"Such a _strange_ taste," said Miss Climpson. "No sugar, I think?--You
know, dear Lord Peter, it has been my melancholy duty to attend
_many_ death-beds, and, though a number of them--such as my dear
father's--were _most_ Christian and beautiful, I could not call
them _fun_. People have very different ideas of fun, of course,
and personally I have never greatly cared for George Robey, though
Charlie Chaplin always makes me laugh--still, you know, there are
_disagreeable details_ attending _any_ death-bed which one would think
could hardly be to anybody's taste, however depraved."
"I quite agree with you," said Wimsey. "But it must be fun, in one
sense, to feel that you can control the issues of life and death, don't
you know."
"That is an _infringement_ upon the prerogative of the Creator," said
Miss Climpson.
"But rather jolly to know yourself divine, so to speak. Up above the
world so high, like a tea-tray in the sky. I admit the fascination.
But for practical purposes that theory is the devil--I beg your
pardon, Miss Climpson, respect for sacred personages--I mean, it's
unsatisfactory, because it would suit one person just as well as
another. If I've got to find a homicidal maniac, I may as well cut my
throat at once."
"Don't say _that_," pleaded Miss Climpson, "even in jest. Your work
here--so good, so valuable--would be worth living for in spite of the
_saddest_ personal disappointments. And I have known jokes of that kind
turn out very badly, in the most surprising ways. There was a young man
we used to know, who was given to talking in a sadly _random_ way--a
long time ago, dear Lord Peter, while you were still in the nursery,
but young men were wild, even then, whatever they say now about the
'eighties--and he said one day to my poor, dear Mother, 'Mrs. Climpson,
if I don't make a good bag today, I shall shoot myself' (for he was
very fond of sport), and he went out with his gun and as he was getting
over a stile, he caught the trigger in the hedge and the gun went
off and blew his head to pieces. I was quite a girl, and it upset me
_dreadfully_, because he was a very handsome young man, with whiskers
which we all admired very much, though today they would be smiled at,
and they were burnt _right off_ him with the explosion, and a shocking
hole in the side of his head, so they said, for of course I was not
allowed to see him."
"Poor chap," said his lordship. "Well, let's dismiss homicidal mania
from our minds for the moment. What else do people kill people for?"
"There is--passion," said Miss Climpson, with a slight initial
hesitation at the word, "for I should not like to call it _love_, when
it is so unregulated."
"That is the explanation put forward by the prosecution," said Wimsey.
"I don't accept it."
"Certainly not. But--it might be possible, might it not, that there was
some other unfortunate young woman who was attached to this Mr. Boyes,
and felt vindictively towards him?"
"Yes, or a man who was jealous. But the time is the difficulty. You've
got to have some plausible pretext for giving a bloke arsenic. You
can't just catch him standing on a doorstep, and say, 'Here, have a
drink of this,' can you?"
"But there were ten minutes unaccounted for," said Miss Climpson,
shrewdly. "Might he not have entered some public-house for refreshment,
and there met an enemy?"
"By jove, that's a possibility." Wimsey made a note, and shook his
head dubiously. "But it's rather a coincidence. Unless there was a
previous appointment to meet there. Still, it's worth looking into. At
any rate, it's obvious that Mr. Urquhart's house and Miss Vane's flat
were not the only conceivable places where Boyes might have eaten or
drunk between seven and 10.10 that evening. Very well: under the head
'Passion' we find 1) Miss Vane (ruled out ex hypothesi), 2) jealous
lover, 3) ditto rival. Place, Public-house (query). Now we go on to the
next motive, and that's Money. A very good motive for murdering anybody
who has any, but a poor one in Boyes' case. Still, let us say, Money.
I can think of three sub-headings for that: 1) Robbery from the person
(very improbable); 2) insurance; 3) inheritance."
"What a clear mind you have," said Miss Climpson.
"When I die you will find 'Efficiency' written on my heart. I don't
know what money Boyes had on him, but I shouldn't think it was much.
Urquhart and Vaughan might know; still, it's not very important,
because arsenic isn't a sensible drug to use on anyone you want to rob.
It takes a long time, comparatively, to begin business, and it doesn't
make the victim helpless enough. Unless we suppose the taxi-driver
drugged and robbed him, there was no one who could possibly profit by
such a silly crime."
Miss Climpson agreed, and buttered a second tea-cake.
"Then, insurance. Now we come to the region of the possible. Was Boyes
insured? It doesn't seem to have occurred to anybody to find out.
Probably he wasn't. Literary blokes have very little forethought, and
are careless about trifles like premiums. But one ought to know. Who
might have an insurable interest? His father, his cousin (possibly),
other relations (if any), his children (if any) and--I suppose--Miss
Vane, if he took out the policy while he was living with her. Also,
anybody who may have lent him money on the strength of such insurance.
Plenty of possibilities there. I'm feeling better already, Miss
Climpson, fitter and brighter in every way. Either I'm getting a line
on the thing, or else it's your tea. That's a good, stout-looking pot.
Has it got any more in it?"
"Yes, indeed," said Miss Climpson, eagerly. "My dear father used to say
I was a great hand at getting the _utmost_ out of a tea-pot. The secret
is to _fill_ up as you _go_ and never empty the pot completely."
"Inheritance," pursued Lord Peter. "Had he anything to leave? Not much,
I shouldn't think. I'd better hop round and see his publisher. Or had
he lately come into anything? His father or cousin would know. The
father is a parson--'slashing trade, that,' as the naughty bully says
to the new boy in one of Dean Farrar's books. He has a thread-bare
look. I shouldn't think there was much money in the family. Still, you
never know. Somebody might have left Boyes a fortune for his _beaux
yeux_ or out of admiration for his books. If so, to whom did Boyes
leave it? Query: did he make a will? But surely the defence must have
thought of these things. I am getting depressed again."
"Have a sandwich," said Miss Climpson.
"Thank you," said Wimsey, "or some hay. There is nothing like it when
you are feeling faint, as the White King truly remarked. Well, that
more or less disposes of the money motive. There remains Blackmail."
Miss Climpson, whose professional connection with the Cattery had
taught her something about blackmail, assented with a sigh.
"Who was this fellow Boyes?" enquired Wimsey rhetorically. "I know
nothing about him. He may have been a blackguard of the deepest dye.
He may have known unmentionable things about all his friends. Why not?
Or he may have been writing a book to show somebody up, so that he had
to be suppressed at all costs. Dash it all, his cousin's a solicitor.
Suppose he has been embezzling Trust deeds or something, and Boyes was
threatening to split on him? He'd been living in Urquhart's house, and
had every opportunity for finding out. Urquhart drops some arsenic into
his soup, and--Ah! there's the snag. He puts arsenic into the soup and
eats it himself. That's awkward. I'm afraid Hannah Westlock's evidence
rather knocks that on the head. We shall have to fall back on the
mysterious stranger in the pub."
He considered a little, and then said:
"And there's suicide, of course, which is what I'm really rather
inclined to believe in. Arsenic is tomfool stuff to commit suicide
with, but it has been done. There was the duc de Praslin, for
instance--if his _was_ suicide. Only, where's the bottle?"
"The bottle?"
"Well, he must have carried it in something. It might be in a paper, if
he took the powdered form, though that would be awkward. Did anybody
look for a bottle or paper?"
"Where would they look for it?" asked Miss Climpson.
"That's the rub. If it wasn't on him, it would be anywhere round
about Doughty Street, and it's going to be a job looking for a
bottle or paper that was chucked away six months ago. I do loathe
suicides--they're so difficult to prove. Oh, well, faint heart never
won so much as a scrap of paper. Now look here, Miss Climpson. We've
got about a month to work this out in. The Michaelmas Term ends on the
21st; this is the 15th. They can't very well bring it up before then,
and the Hilary term starts on January 12th. They'll probably take it
early, unless we can show reason for delay. Four weeks to get fresh
evidence. Will you reserve the best efforts of yourself and the staff?
I don't know yet what I shall want, but I shall probably want something
done."
"Of course I will, Lord Peter. You know that it is only _too_ great a
pleasure to do _anything_ for you--even if the whole office were not
your own property, which it _is_. Only let me know, at _any_ minute of
the night or day, and I will do my _very_ best to help you."
Wimsey thanked her, made a few enquiries about the work of the bureau
and departed. He hailed a taxi and was immediately driven to Scotland
Yard.
* * * * *
Chief Detective-Inspector Parker was, as usual, delighted to see Lord
Peter, but there was a worried expression on his plain though pleasant
face as he greeted his visitor.
"What is it, Peter? The Vane case again?"
"Yes. You've come a mucker over this, old man, you really have."
"Well, I don't know. It looked pretty straightforward to us."
"Charles, acushla, distrust the straightforward case, the man who
looks you straight in the eyes, and the tip straight from the horse's
mouth. Only the most guileful deceiver can afford to be so aggressively
straight. Even the path of the light is curved--or so they tell us.
For God's sake, old man, do what you can to put the thing right before
next assizes. If you don't, I'll never forgive you. Damn it, you don't
_want_ to hang the wrong person, do you?--especially a woman and all
that."
"Have a fag," said Parker. "You're looking quite wild about the eyes.
What have you been doing with yourself? I'm sorry if we've got the
wrong pig by the ear, but it's the defence's business to point out
where we're wrong, and I can't say they put up a very convincing show."
"No, confound them. Biggy did his best, but that fool and beast Crofts
gave him no materials at all. Blast his ugly eyes! I know the brute
thinks she did it. I hope he will fry in hell and be served up with
cayenne pepper on a red-hot dish!"
"What eloquence!" said Parker, unimpressed. "Anybody would think you'd
gone goopy over the girl."
"That's a damned friendly way to talk," said Wimsey, bitterly.
"When you went off the deep end about my sister, I may have been
unsympathetic--I daresay I was--but I swear I didn't dance on your
tenderest feelings and call your manly devotion 'going goopy over
a girl.' I don't know where you pick up such expressions, as the
clergyman's wife said to the parrot. 'Goopy,' indeed! I never heard
anything so vulgar!"
"Good lord," exclaimed Parker, "you don't seriously say--"
"Oh, no!" retorted Wimsey, bitterly. "I'm not expected to be serious.
A buffoon, that's what I am. I now know exactly what Jack Point feels
like. I used to think the 'Yeomen' sentimental tosh, but it is all too
true. Would you like to see me dance in motley?"
"I'm sorry," said Parker, taking his cue rather from the tone than the
words. "If it's like that, I'm damned sorry, old man. But what can I
do?"
"Now you're talking. Look here--the most likely thing is that this
unsavoury blighter Boyes committed suicide. The unspeakable defence
haven't been able to trace any arsenic to his possession--but then they
probably couldn't trace a herd of black cattle over a snow-bound field
in broad noon-day with a microscope. I want your people to take it up."
"Boyes--query arsenic," said Parker, making a note on a pad. "Anything
else?"
"Yes. Find out if Boyes visited any pub. in the neighbourhood of
Doughty Street between, say, 9.50 and 10.10 on the night of June
20th--if he met anybody, and what he took to drink."
"It shall be done. Boyes--query pub." Parker made another note. "Yes?"
"Thirdly, if any bottle or paper that might have contained arsenic was
picked up in that district."
"Oh, indeed? And would you like me to trace the 'bus ticket dropped
by Mrs. Brown outside Selfridge's in the last Christmas rush? No use
making it too easy."
"A bottle is more likely than a paper," went on Wimsey, ignoring him,
"because I think the arsenic must have been taken in liquid form to
work so quickly."
Parker made no further protest, but noted down "Boyes--Doughty
Street--query bottle," and paused expectantly.
"Yes?"
"That's all for the moment. By the way, I should try the garden in
Mecklenburgh Square. A thing might lie quite a long time under those
bushes."
"Very well. I'll do my best. And if you find out anything which really
proves that we've been on the wrong tack, you'll let us know, won't
you? We don't want to make large and ignominious public mistakes."
"Well--I've just earnestly promised the defence that I'll do no such
thing. But if I spot the criminal, I'll let you arrest him."
"Thanks for small mercies. Well, good luck! Funny for you and me to be
on opposite sides, isn't it?"
"Very," said Wimsey. "I'm sorry about it, but it's your own fault."
"You shouldn't have been out of England. By the way--"
"Yes?"
"You realise that probably all our young friend did during those
missing ten minutes was to stand about in Theobalds Road or somewhere,
looking for a stray taxi."
"Oh, shut up!" said Wimsey, crossly, and went out.