SCENE--_A Second-Class Compartment on the line between
Wurzburg and Nuremberg. PODBURY has been dull and depressed
all day, not having recovered from the parting with Miss
TROTTER. CULCHARD, on the contrary, is almost ostentatiously
cheerful. PODBURY is intensely anxious to find out how far
his spirits are genuine, but--partly from shyness, and partly
because some of their fellow travellers have been English--he
has hesitated to introduce the subject. At last, however, they
are alone, and he is determined to have it out on the very
first opportunity._
[Illustration: "Puts me in mind o' the best part o' Box 'Ill."]
_Culchard_. Abominably slow train, this _Schnell-zug_. I hope we shall
get to Nuremberg before it's too dark to see the general effect.
_Podbury_. We're not likely to be in time for _table d'hôte_--not that
_I'm_ peckish. (_He sighs._) Wonder whereabouts the--the TROTTERS have
got to by now, eh?
[_He feels he is getting red, and hums the Garden Scene from
"Faust."_]
_Culch._ (_indifferently_). Oh, let me see--just arriving at St.
Moritz, I expect. Wonderful effect of colour, that is. [_He indicates
the West, where a bar of crimson is flaming between a belt of firs._
_Podb._ (_absently_). Oh, wonderful!--where? (_Hums a snatch of a
waltz._) Dum-dum-diddle-um-tum-dum-dum-dum-ty-doodle; dum-dum--I say,
_you_ don't seem particularly cut up?
_Culch._ Cut up? Why should I be cut up, my dear fellow?--about what?
[_Before PODBURY can explain, two Talkative British
Tourists tumble up into the compartment, and he has to
control his curiosity once more._
_First T.T._ Well, I 'ope we're all right _now_, SAM, I'm sure--these
German jokers have chivied us about enough for one journey! (_To
CULCHARD._) Not in your way, this 'at-box, Sir? Don't give yer much
space in these foreign trains. (_They settle down and the train
starts._) Pretty bit o' country along 'ere!--puts me in mind o' the
best part o' Box 'Ill--and I can't say more for it than _that_!
_Second T.T._ (_a little man with a sandy fringe and boiled-looking
eyes_). What I notice about the country abroad is they don't seem to
'ave no _landmarks_.
_First T.T._ (_with a dash of friendly contempt_). What d'yer mean--no
landmarks--_signposts_?
_Second T.T._ (_with dignity_). I mean to say, they don't 'ave nothing
to indicate which is JACK's property, and which is JOE's.
_First T.T._ Go on--they've as much as what _we_ 'ave.
_Second T.T._ _'Ave_ they? We 'ave fences and 'edges. I don't see none
_'ere_. P'raps you'll point me _out_ one?
_First T.T._ There's precious few 'edges or fences in the Isle o'
Thanet, as you'd know if you've ever been to Margit.
_Second T.T._ (_loftily_). I'm not talkin' about Margit now. I'm
talkin' of 'ere, and I'll trouble you to show me a landmark.
_First T.T._ Depend on it they've their own ways of knowing which is
'oo's.
_Second T.T._ That's not what I'm _sayin'_. I'm sayin' there ain't
nothing to _indicate_ it. [_They argue the point at length._]
_Podb._ (_to CULCHARD_). Then you really aren't cut up--about Miss T.
you know?
_Culch._ (_with the reserve of a man who only wants to be pressed_).
There is no reason that I am aware of, why I should be--but (_lowering
his voice_) don't you think we had better wait till we are alone to
discuss that subject?
_Podb._ Oh, all right. I'm not partic--at least. Well, I'm glad you
_aren't_, you know, that's all.
[_He becomes silent again--but his face brightens visibly._
_First T.T._ (_to Second Do._). See that field there? That's tobacco,
_that_ is.
_Second T.T._ What they make their penny smokes of. (_The train
enters a station._) What funny engines they do 'ave 'ere! I expect the
guard'll be wanting to see our _billyetts_ again next. It's as bad as
it used to be with the passports. I've 'eard--mind yer, I don't know
'ow much likeli'ood there is in the assertion--that they're going
to bring 'em in again. Most intricate they were about them. (_To
CULCHARD._) Why, if you'll believe me, a friend o' mine as 'ad
one--well, they got 'is description down to a ioter! He'd a cast in
'is eye,--they put it down, and a pimple you'd 'ardly notice--but down
_that_ went!
_First T.T._ It's no use 'aving such things if they don't do it
thoroughly.
_Second T.T._ (_irrelevantly_). I wish I 'adn't 'ad that glass o'
peach wine where we changed last. (_A_ Guard _appears at the window,
and makes some guttural comments on the couple's tickets._) Wechseln?
Why, that means _wash_, don't it? I'm as clean as _him_, anyway.
"Anshteigen,"--ah, I ought to know what _that_ means by this time!
SAM, my boy, we're bundled out again. I _told_ yer 'ow it would be!
[_They tumble out, and the carriage is presently filled by an
assortment of Germans, including a lively and sociable little
Cripple with a new drinking-mug which he has just had filled
with lager, and a Lady with pale hair and sentimental blue
eyes._
_Podb._ We can talk all right _now_, eh? _They_ won't understand. Look
here, old fellow, I don't mind owning _I'm_ rather down in the mouth
about--you know what. I shouldn't care so much if there was any chance
of our coming across them again.
_Culch._ (_cordially_). I am very glad to hear you say so. I was
rather afraid you had taken a dislike--er--in that quarter.
_Podb._ I?--is it _likely_! I--I admire her awfully, you know, only
she rather seemed to snub me lately.
_Culch._ (_with patronising reassurance_). Quite a mistake on your
part, I assure you, my dear fellow. I am sure she will learn to
appreciate you--er--fully when you meet again, which, I may tell you,
will be at no very distant date. I happen to know that she will be
at the Italian Lakes early next month, and so shall we, if you let me
manage this tour my own way.
_Podb._ (_with surprise and gratitude_). I say, old boy, I'd no
notion you were such a nailing good chap! Nein, danky. (_To the little
Cripple, who is cheerily inviting him, in pantomime, to drink from
his mug._) Cheeky little beggar. But do you really think anything
will--er--come of it, if we do meet her again--_do_ you now?
_Culch._ I--ah--have the best reasons for feeling tolerably certain of
it. [_He looks out of window and smiles._
_Podb._ But that cousin of hers--CHARLEY, you know--how about _him_?
_Culch._ I put that to her, and there is nothing in it. In fact, she
practically admitted--(_He glances round and lowers his voice._) I
will tell you another time. That lady over there is looking at us, and
I'm almost certain--
_Podb._ What if she is, she don't understand a word we're saying. I
want to hear all about Her, you know.
_Culch._ My dear PODBURY, we shall have ample time to talk about her
while we are at Nuremberg together--it will be the greatest pleasure
to me to do so as long as ever you please.
_Podb._ Thanks, old chap! I'd no idea you were doing all this, you
know. But just tell me this, what did she _say_ about me?
_Culch._ (_mystified_). About you? I really don't recollect that she
mentioned _you_ particularly.
_Podb._ (_puzzled_). But I thought you said you'd been speaking up for
me! What _did_ you talk about then?
_Culch._ Well, about myself--naturally. [_He settles his collar with a
vague satisfaction._
_Podb._ (_blankly_). Oh! Then you haven't been arranging to meet her
again on _my_ account?
_Culch._ Good Heavens, no--what a very grotesque idea of yours, my
dear fellow! [_He laughs gently._
_Podb._ Is it? You always gave out that she wasn't your style at all,
and you only regarded her as a "study," and rot like that. How could
_I_ tell you would go and cut me out?
_Culch._ I don't deny that she occasionally--er--jarred. She is a
little deficient in surface refinement--but that will come, that will
come. And as to "cutting you out," why, you must allow you never had
the remotest--
_Podb._ I don't allow anything of the sort. She liked me well enough
till--till you came in and set her against me, and you may think it
friendly if you like, but I call it shabby--confoundedly shabby.
_Culch._ Don't talk so loud, I'm sure I saw that woman smile!
_Podb._ She may smile her head off for all I care. (_The train stops;
the Cripple and all but the Pale-haired Lady get out_.) Here we are
at Nuremberg. What hotel did you say you are going to?
_Culch._ The Bayrischer-Hof. Why?
[_He gets his coat and sticks, &c., out of the rack._
_Podb._ Because I shall go to some other, that's all.
_Culch._ (_in dismay_). My dear PODBURY. this is really too childish!
There's no sense in travelling together, if we're going to stay at
different hotels!
_Podb._ I'm not sure I shall go any further. Anyway, while I _am_
here, I prefer to keep to myself.
_Culch._ (_with a displeased laugh_). Just as you please. It's a
matter of perfect indifference to _me_. I'm afraid you'll be terribly
bored by yourself, though.
_Podb._ That's _my_ look out. It can't be worse than going about with
you and listening while you crow and drivel about her, that's one
comfort! [_The Pale-haired Lady coughs in a suspicious manner_.
_Culch._ You don't even know if there _is_ another hotel.
_Podb._ I don't care. I can find a pot-house somewhere, I daresay.
_The Pale-haired Lady_ (_in excellent English, to PODBURY as he
passes out_). Pardon me, you will find close to the Bahnhof a very
goot hotel--the Wurtemburger.
[_PODBURY thanks her and alights in some confusion; the
Lady sinks back, smiling_.
_Culch._ (_annoyed_). She must have understood every word we said! Are
you in earnest over this? (_PODBURY nods grimly_.) Well, you'll soon
get tired of your own society, I warn you.
_Podb._ Thanks, we shall see.
[_He saunters off with his bag: CULCHARD shrugs his
shoulders, and goes in search of the Bayrischer-Hof Porter,
to whom he entrusts his luggage tickets, and takes his seat in
the omnibus alone._
* * * * *
"ANGELS AND MINISTERS OF GRACE!"
["The London Correspondent of the _Manchester Guardian_ hears
that certain ungallant Members of Parliament are threatening
at the beginning of next Session to make a formal protest
against the wholesale admission of ladies to the precincts of
the House."]
Ungallant! Vastly fine! But when they crowd
The terrace seats, elbow us in the lobbies,
Chatter and laugh, and care no more about
(Elderly) senators than boys or bobbies;
Why then, Sir, all M.P.'s of nerve and _nous_
Will say that, though we love the babbling beauties,
The swarming of these "Angels in the House,"
Will simply play the devil with its duties!
[Illustration: "NOS ET MUTAMUR IN ILLIS!"
(_INTERNATIONAL FELINE AMENITIES._)
_Fair French Republican_. "SO YOU 'AVE RETURN FROM PARIS? HOW DID YOU
LIKE IT?"
_Lady Godiva_. "OH, _PAS DE TOUT_--IT IS SO ALTERED FOR THE WORSE! FOR
I CAN REMEMBER WHAT IT WAS IN THE DEAR OLD DAYS OF THE EMPIRE!"
_Fair French Republican_. "AH, MILADI, IS IT NOT POSSIBLE ZAT PARIS
MAY FIND YOU A LITTLE BIT ALTERED TOO!"]
* * * * *