"Germany will sign," says an evening contemporary, "because the Allies
hold all the trumps." They also hold all the Manchurian beef, and are
prepared, should the occasion arise, to export it mercilessly.
***
A Carmarthen man has been fined 12s. 6d. for shooting an owl in
mistake for a pigeon. Defendant pleaded that in omitting to sound its
hooter the owl was guilty of contributory negligence.
***
M. LANDRU, the Parisian Bluebeard (alleged), is said to be very morose
and ill. It is felt that something or other must be worrying him.
***
Latest information points to the fact that Jazz has spread to the
Hebrides, where two suspected cases are under observation.
***
"Jumpers are to be very fashionable at the seaside this year," says a
fashion paper; and yet lodging-house keepers will keep on assuring us
that their bed-linen is scrupulously clean.
***
There are still twenty-three wars in progress, declares a Sunday
contemporary. The belief is rapidly gaining ground that several of
them are being allowed to continue merely to spite Colonel WEDGWOOD.
***
Cricket, we are constantly told, must be brightened. Why not allow
spectators to assault the umpires, just as if they were football
referees?
***
So many people have expressed their intention to swim the Channel this
year that there is talk of abandoning the tunnel scheme as likely to
prove unprofitable.
***
After knocking a man down with an iron bar at Shoreditch, and being
asked by the victim why he did it, the assailant again knocked him
down. Really this is carrying things too far. After all, politeness
costs nothing.
***
It appears that the Burglars' Trade Union, not to be outdone, are
about to put in a demand for shorter sentences.
***
"Single women," says a scientific journal, "live on an average ten
years longer than married women." After reading this statement, an
Irishman has issued a warning against the habit of marrying single
women.
***
Grimsby is to have a flag day for the local hospitals. It is not known
who first gave them the idea of a flag day.
***
"The only cure for the caterpillar now destroying young oaks in
Devon," says a morning paper, "is to remove the pest at once." The
idea of removing the trees does not seem to have occurred to our
contemporary.
***
Coins said to have been deposited on the Dinas Mountain, South Wales,
over seven hundred years ago have just been found. This speaks well
for the honesty of local residents.
***
The EX-KAISER has intimated to a newspaper man that he is prepared to
abide by the decisions of the Peace Conference. This confirms recent
indications that WILHELM is developing a sense of humour.
***
"Last week," says _The Evening News,_ "Venus was only 100,000,000
miles away." We are ashamed to confess that we had not noticed this.
***
"An apple a day keeps the doctor away," quotes a weekly paper. We only
hope this is true, for it is impossible to afford both.
***
"It is wonderful that there are not more accidents," remarked a
Coroner last week. But surely there are.
***
The extraordinary report that a domestic servant has been seen
at Purley is now explained. It was merely a resident going to a
fancy-dress dance.
***
A medical paper states that if a man was bitten by a rabid cow he
would probably go mad and start grazing in the nearest meadow. Hence
the name of the "Pasteur" treatment.
***
A dentist in a suburb that shall be nameless has a case of samples
attached to the outside of his front door, with an inscription
inviting people to choose a set of teeth before entering. Surely it is
bad manners for anyone to pick his teeth in public.
***
Some distinguished players have declared in favour of larger holes for
golf. Our own feeling, however, is that if there is to be any change
in the hole it would be better to correct its absurd habit of slipping
to one side just as the ball is dropping in.
***
There is said to be a craze among girls for entering Government
offices. The mania, an overworked official informs us, comes on at
10.15 A.M. and lasts about four hours.
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Father._ "YES, TOMMY, WHATEVER YOU ATTEMPT THERE IS
ONE WAY TO LEARN, AND THAT IS BY BEGINNING AT THE VERY BOTTOM."
_Tommy._ "WHAT ABOUT SWIMMING?"]
* * * * *
"Many of the suburbs and outlying districts of London are
experiencing something like a plague of tiny stinging flies
similar to, but even more veracious than, the familiar
'midge.' The plague is not confined to low-lying
districts."--_Daily Paper._
The very last place in which we should expect to find anything
"veracious."
* * * * *