WHAT ONE MAN PICKED UP IN LONDON AND SENT BACK TO HIS BROTHER
A man is always justly proud of the information which has just come to
hand. He enjoys a new piece of knowledge just as a child enjoys a new
Christmas toy. It seems impossible for him to keep his hands off of
it. He wants to carry it around and show it to his friends, just as a
child wants to race through the neighbourhood and display his new toy.
Within a week the toy may be thrown aside, having become too familiar
and commonplace, and by the same rule of human weakness the man will
toss his proud bit of information into the archives of memory and never
haul it out again except in response to a special demand.
These turgid thoughts are suggested by the behaviour of an American
stopping at our hotel. He is here for the first time, and he has found
undiluted joy in getting the British names of everything he saw. After
forty-eight hours in London he was gifted with a new vocabulary, and he
could not withstand the temptation to let his brother at home know all
about it. The letter which he wrote was more British than any
Englishman could have made it.
In order to add the sting of insult to his vainglorious display of
British terms he inserted parenthetical explanations at different
places in his letter. It was just as if he had said, "Of course, I'll
have to tell you what these things mean, because you never have been
out of America, and you could not be expected to have the broad and
comprehensive knowledge of a traveller."
This is the letter which he read to us last evening:
"DEAR BROTHER: I send you this letter by the first post (mail) back to
America to let you know that I arrived safely. In company with several
pleasant chaps with whom I had struck up an acquaintance during our
ride across the pond (ocean) I reached the landing stage (dock) at
Southampton at 6 o'clock Saturday. It required but a short time for
the examination of my box (trunk) and my two bags (valises), and then I
booked (bought a ticket) for London. My luggage (baggage) was put into
the van (baggage car) and registered (checked) for London. I paid the
porter a bob (a shilling, equal to 24 cents in your money), and then
showed my ticket to the guard (conductor), who showed me into a
comfortable first-class carriage (one of the small compartments in the
passenger coach), where I settled back to read a London paper, for
which I had paid tuppence (4 cents in your money). Directly
(immediately after) we started I looked out of the window, and was
deeply interested in this first view of the shops (small retail
establishments) and the frequent public houses (saloons). Also we
passed through the railway yards, where I saw many drivers (engineers)
and stokers (firemen) sitting in the locomotives, which did not seem to
be as large as those to which you are accustomed in America.
"Our ride to London was uneventful. When we arrived at London I gave
my hand luggage into the keeping of a porter and claimed the box which
had been in the van. This was safely loaded on top of a four-wheeled
hackney carriage (four-wheeled cab), and I was driven to my hotel,
which happened to be in (on) the same street, and not far from the top
(the end) of the thoroughfare. Arrived at the hotel, I paid the cabby
(the driver) a half-crown (about 60 cents in your money), and went in
to engage an apartment. I paid seven shillings (about $1.75) a day,
this to include service (lights and attendance), which was put in at
about 18 pence a day. The lift (elevator) on which I rode to my
apartment was very slow. I found that I had a comfortable room, with a
grate, in which I could have a fire of coals (coal). As I was somewhat
seedy (untidy) from travel, I went to the hair-dresser's (the barber),
and was shaved. As it was somewhat late I did not go to any theatre,
but walked down the Strand and had a bite in a cook-shop (restaurant).
The street was crowded. Every few steps you would meet a Tommy Atkins
(soldier) with his 'doner' (best girl). I stopped and inquired of a
bobby (policeman) the distance to St. Paul's (the cathedral), and
decided not to visit it until the next morning.
"Yesterday I put in a busy day visiting the abbey (Westminster) and
riding around on the 'buses (omnibuses) and tram cars (street cars).
In the afternoon I went up to Marble Arch (the entrance to Hyde Park),
and saw many fashionables; also I looked at the Row (Rotten Row, a
drive and equestrian path in Hyde Park). There were a great many women
in smart gowns (stylish dresses), and nearly all the men wore frock
coats (Prince Alberts), and top hats (silk hats). There are many
striking residential mansions (apartment houses) facing the park, and
the district is one of the most exclusive up west (in the west end of
London). Sunday evening is very dull, and I looked around the
smoking-room of the hotel. Nearly every man in the room had a 'B and
S' (brandy and soda) in front of him, although some of them preferred
'polly' (apollinaris) to the soda. A few of them drank fizz
(champagne); but, so far as I have observed, most of the Englishmen
drink spirits (whiskey), although they very seldom take it neat
(straight), as you do at home. I went to bed early and had a good
sleep. This morning when I awoke I found that my boots (shoes), which
I had placed outside the door the night before, had been neatly
varnished (polished). The tub (bath) which I had bespoken (ordered)
the night before was ready, and I had a jolly good splash."
We paused in our admiring study of the letter and remarked to the
author that "jolly good splash" was very good for one who had been
ashore only two days.
"Rahther," he said.
"I beg pardon?"
"Rahther, I say. But you understand, of course, that I'm giving him a
bit of spoof."
"A bit of what?"
"Spoof--spoof. Is it possible that you have been here since Saturday
without learning what 'spoof' means? It means to chaff, to joke. In
the States the slang equivalent would be 'to string' someone."
"How did you learn it?"
"A cabby told me about it. I started to have some fun with him, and he
told me to 'give over on the spoof.' But go ahead with the letter. I
think there are several things there that you'll like."
So we resumed.
"For breakfast I had a bowl of porridge (oatmeal) and a couple of eggs,
with a few crumpets (rolls). Nearly all day I have been looking in the
shop windows marvelling at the cheap prices. Over here you can get a
good lounge suit (sack suit) for about three guineas (a guinea is
twenty-one shillings); and I saw a beautiful poncho (light ulster) for
four sovereigns (a sovereign is a pound, or twenty shillings). A fancy
waistcoat (vest) costs only twelve to twenty shillings ($3 to $5), and
you can get a very good morning coat (cutaway) and waistcoat for three
and ten (three pounds and ten shillings). I am going to order several
suits before I take passage (sail) for home. Thus far I have bought
nothing except a pot hat (a derby), for which I paid a half-guinea (ten
shillings and sixpence). This noon I ate a snack (light luncheon) in
the establishment of a licensed victualer (caterer), who is also a
spirit merchant (liquor dealer). I saw a great many business men and
clarks (clerks) eating their meat pies (a meat pie is a sort of a
frigid dumpling with a shred of meat concealed somewhere within, the
trick being to find the meat), and drinking bitter (ale) or else stout
(porter). Some of them would eat only a few biscuit (crackers) for
their lunch. Others would order as much as a cut of beef, or, as we
say over here, a 'lunch from the joint.' This afternoon I have
wandered about the busy thoroughfares. All the street vehicles travel
rapidly in London, and you are chivied (hurried) at every corner."
"You have learned altogether too much," said Mr. Peasley. Where did
you pick up that word 'chivy'?"
"I got that before I had been ashore a half hour. Didn't I hear one of
those railroad men down at Southampton tell another one to 'chivy' the
crowd out of the custom house and get it on the train? I suppose that
'chivy' means to rush or to hurry. Anyway, he won't know the
difference, and it sounds about as English as anything I have heard
over here."
The letter continued:
"One of the common sights in London is the coster's (costermonger's)
little cart, drawn by a diminutive moke (donkey); but you do not see
many of them west of the City (the original London confined within the
boundaries of the ancient wall, but now comprising only a small part of
the geographical area of the metropolis). I saw so many novel things
that I would like to tell about them, but I will reserve my further
experiences for another letter."
"I don't want to write again until I have got a new stock of words,"
the author explained.
He read as follows in conclusion:
"This evening I am going to the theatre, having made a reservation
(that is, having purchased) two orchestra stalls (parquet chairs) at
the Lyceum. You may gather from this letter that I am having a ripping
(very good) time, and in no hurry to terminate my stay in town (in
London). I am your awfully devoted brother,
"ALEXANDER."
IN PARIS