_House of Commons, Monday, June 26._--Hardly knew House to-night.
Benches mostly empty; few present seemed to have no fight in them.
Little round at outset on Betterment principle. Members roughly and
not inaccurately illustrated it by staying outside. "In principle,"
said PHILIPPE EGALITE, "the Terrace is Better meant for this weather
than the House." Mr. G. in his place, listening eagerly to speeches by
KIMBER, FERGUSSON, and other oratorical charmers. Generally believed
that he had gone off to Hatchlands for holiday; nothing for him to do
here; Home-Rule debate postponed till Wednesday; Supply, in meantime,
might well be left to Minister in charge.
"The fact is, TOBY," said Mr. G., when I remarked upon the pleasurable
surprise of finding him in his place, "I really did think of making
a little holiday, staying away till Wednesday. But when I got up
this morning, looked round at green fields and lofty trees, they
irresistibly reminded me of benches in House of Commons, and the
pillars that support the gallery. Then the sunlit sky is very nice
in its way; but do you know anything softer, more translucent or
attractive than the light that floods the House of Commons from the
glass roof? The more I thought of these things the more restless I
grew amid tame attractions of rural life. This morning it might have
been said of me, in the words of the poet,
Although my body's down at Hatchlands
My soul has gone aloft----
to Westminster. The country is there all through the year and every
day: Parliamentary Session lasts only seven, or at best eight months.
This year, if we've luck, we may run it into ten. But then House
doesn't meet every day. One is expected to go off to seaside, or
somewhere else, from Saturday to Monday. Thinking of these things,
couldn't resist temptation. So suddenly packed up, drove off, and here
I am. Needn't stop all night, you know, if you fellows grudge me a
little enjoyment; but shall at least begin evening pleasantly.
Shall vote in division on Betterment question, and make statement on
arrangements for Indian Currency."
_Business done._--Some votes in Navy Estimates.
_Tuesday._--CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN and W. WOODALL, V.C., the Casabiancas
of the evening. They sit on Treasury Bench, whence all but they have
fled; listen with polite attention to talk round Army Estimates; and
when there's anything like a lull get up and say few words. Whole
proceeding a farce of drearily colossal proportions. Major-General
HANBURY prances to front, reviews British forces under present
Administration, finds many buttons loose, and numerous gaiters askew.
Opportunity useful for showing that this Eminent Legislator has not
given up entirely to Home Rule what was meant for mankind. Omniscience
HANBURY'S forte; Army Reform his foible. Honourable distinction for
him that he has never drawn the sword on any tented field. Debates on
Army Estimates invariably call to the front an amazing reserve force
of unsuspected men of war. There are Colonels, Majors, and Captains
enough to officer the army at Monaco.
There's WEBSTER of East St. Pancras for example. The few Members
present gasped for breath when, just now, he offered few observations
on War Office management. What did he do in this galley? Well known
that in interval of revising his popular Dictionary he trifles with
the law. Might, in course of time, come to be Lord Chancellor;
but never Field Marshal. That only shows how limited is current
information, how true the observation that the world knows nothing
of its greatest men. Why, for sixteen years WEBSTER served with
distinction in the Third Battalion South Lancashire Regiment! Under
his civilian waistcoat to this day he coyly hides the bronze medal for
Blameless Conduct.
That he should take part in debate on Army Estimates not only natural,
but, in national interests, imperatively desirable. HANBURY'S case
quite otherwise. He never set a squadron a field, nor the division of
a battle knows more than ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS. Yet ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS is
not more glib, authoritative, or, on the whole, more entertaining when
Army Estimates are to the fore.
_Business done._--Army Estimates in Committee.
FRIDAY, 4 A.M.--Came upon NUSSEY an hour ago putting himself to bed
on a chair in the Library. This his first experience of Parliamentary
life; introduced at four o'clock yesterday afternoon, and took his
seat for Pontefract. "Lawka mussey! and is this NUSSEY?" cried WILFRED
LAWSON, whose aptitude for dropping into poetry beats _Silas Wegg_
hollow. It certainly was NUSSEY yesterday afternoon, and this is what
is left of him in the sunshine of a summer morning.
"Didn't think," he said, with a feeble smile, "that on occasion of my
proud entrance upon Parliamentary life I should forthwith be made into
an all-night NUSSEY. All very well to grow gradually into that state
of life. Begin, say, with suspending twelve-o'clock rule, and getting
off at one or two in the morning. But to plunge straight in like this
is, if I may say so, a little hard on newcomer fresh from country.
I suppose, from look of it, that it is only beginning of things. An
all-night NUSSEY to-day; a weekly NUSSEY before parched July has wet
its lips; and so on, till I become a monthly NUSSEY. Very kind of
you to come and see me, but if you don't mind, I'll just drop off to
sleep. Put the Amendments to the Home Rule Bill on the chimbley, and
I'll take a look at them when I feel dispoged."
A nice night we've all had; moreover than which, at a quarter to
three, lemon squashes gave out, and as one of waiters in hoarse
voice assured me, there wasn't "a hounce of hice" left on premises.
Yesterday afternoon Mr. G. moved his time-table Closure scheme
in speech cogency of which testifies to miraculous advantage of
limitation of delivery within space of half-hour. PRINCE ARTHUR
followed in best debating speech he has delivered since he became
Leader. Most adroit in argument, excellent in manner, felicitous in
phrasing. He, too, brief, and therefore necessarily to the point.
After this flood-tide of talk opened, and flowed, shallow but
persistent, for next four hours. NAPOLEON BOLTONPARTY, getting on
board the Raft of Tilsit-cum-North-St.-Pancras, drifted up and down on
washy flood. Erect, arms folded, and imperial hat cocked defiantly
at Mr. G. Liberals howled at him; shouts of "Moscow! Moscow!" mingled
with cries of "Waterloo!" and "St. Helena!" N. B. shook his golden
lilies in their teeth, and punted his Raft into the Tory harbour.
JOEY C. turned up after early dinner, and the waters were speedily
lashed into foam. Following the illustrious example of NAPOLEON
BOLTONPARTY, JOSEPH threw off all mask of deference to former leader.
Hitherto, even in moments of hottest conflict, JOEY C. has been sly,
dev'lish sly, in his hearing towards his "right hon. friend."
To-night he went for him, just as in days not so very far off good
Conservatives like GRANDOLPH, amid thunderous Tory cheers, used to
gird at the hero of the Aston Park Riots. "I admire the artful----"
Here he paused, and looked down with bitter smile on the apparently
sleeping figure of Mr. G. on the Treasury Bench. Five hundred lips in
the listening throng involuntarily formed the syllables in familiar
conjunction with the adjective. No, not yet. At present pace of
progression "dodger" may come. To-night JOSEPH content, having
gained the desired effect, to conclude the sentence with the words
"----minister who drew up this resolution."
At two o'clock this morning note was taken of fact that Mr. G., having
been in his place almost incessantly since four yesterday afternoon,
had carried his more than four score years off to bed. SQUIRE OF
MALWOOD thought all sections of House would be anxious to spare the
PRIME MINISTER further vigil. JOSEPH up like catapult. "Perfectly
absurd," he snapped, "to attempt to make a fetish of name and age of
PRIME MINISTER."
"There's one good thing we may hope to see come out of this night,"
said Member for Sark. "It should make an end of the treacly farce
which bandies between hopelessly parted colleagues the title 'right
hon. friend.'"
_Business done._--Sat for thirteen hours, and negatived first
Amendment to Closure Resolution.
_Friday._--Having got away late last night, made up for it by coming
back early this afternoon. Morning sitting, but no more fight
left. Quite content with heroic struggle through long summer night;
everything over by seven o'clock.
Hear touching story, which shows how deeply rooted in human mind is
habit of censoriousness. Not two more respectable-looking men in House
than BARTLEY and TOMLINSON. To be in their company is to receive a
liberal education in deportment. Walking home this morning, after
all-night sitting, in sad converse on possibilities of fresh
development of iniquity on part of Mr. G., they passed couple of
British workmen going forth to day's labour. Said first British
Workman, nudging his companion, and pointing with thumb over his
shoulder at wearied legislators: "Tell you what, BILL, _them_ coves
ain't been up to much good."
_Business done._--Closure Resolutions agreed to. Home-Rule Bill packed
up in compartments, to be opened as directed.
* * * * *
[Illustration: GOOD NEWS!
_'Arry._ "'TAINT NO GOOD MIKING A FUSS ABOUT IT, YER KNOW, GUV'NOR! ME
AND MY PALS MUST 'AVE OUR 'D'Y OUT'!"
_Foreign Fellow-Traveller._ "AHA! DIE OUT! YOU GO TO DIE OUT? MON
DIEU! I AM VAIRY GLAD TO 'EAR IT. IT IS TIME!"]
* * * * *
COMING EVENTS AT THE LYCEUM.--With the exception of _Becket_, the part
of _Shylock_ is HENRY IRVING'S most powerfully striking impersonation,
and certainly ELLEN TERRY is at her best as _Portia_. It is played
once again this month before our HENRY'S departure for America, and
should not be missed by any genuine lover of SHAKSPEARE and of true
dramatic art. _A propos_ of this, a certain excellent lady, whose
name, beginning with R, is not absolutely unknown to _Mr. Punch_,
asked this question:--"Isn't there some character in one of
SHAKSPEARE'S plays called '_Skylark_'?" Then, as she proceeded to give
a hazy idea of the plot, it gradually dawned upon the listeners that
the _Merchant of Venice_ was the person of whom she was thinking.
* * * * *
"Memoria Tecknica." July 1.
"O mighty Mars! If in thy homage bred,
Each point of discipline I've still observed;
Of service, _to the rank of Major-General
Have risen_; assist thy votary now!"
_The Critic, Act ii., Sc. 2._
* * * * *
A FEW BARS REST.--According to the _Globe_ the Cavalier ROBERT STAGNO,
a well-known tenor, was arrested on a charge of forgery. What was
it? Did he sign himself guaranteed as a tenner, worth two fivers, and
'twas afterwards found he wasn't? The report requires confirmation, as
it is most unlikely that a tenor should go so low and do anything so
base.
* * * * *
MRS. R. ON MUSIC.--Her nephew, who is an excellent amateur musician,
read out an advertisement of a concert at St. James's Hall--"SARASATE
_will play Suite No. 2_." His excellent relative, who is not well up
in such matters, interrupted him with--"Ah! I _should_ like to hear
Miss SARAH SARTY play 'Sweet No. 2'! I daresay it has something to do
with 'Sweet seventeen.'" No explanation was necessary.
* * * * *
Transcriber's Note:
Sundry damaged or missing punctuation has been reepaired.
['Vox et praeterea (praeterea) nihil: A voice and nothing else; sound
without sense.]
This issue contains some dialect, which has been retained.
Page 9: 'spendid' corrected to 'splendid'. "'But 'twas a splendid
victory!'"
Page 13: 'A' corrected to 'At'. "At last, however, we managed to calm the
indignant ladies,..."