(A SKETCH FROM THE SUBURBS.)
THE ARGUMENT--Mr. HOTSPUR PORPENTINE, _a distinguished resident in the
rising suburb of Jerrymere, has recently been awarded fourteen
days' imprisonment, without the option of a fine, for assaulting a
ticket-collector, who had offered him the indignity of requiring him
to show his season-ticket at the barrier. The scene is a Second-Class
Compartment, in which four of_ Mr. PORPENTINE'S _neighbours are
discussing the affair during their return from the City_.
_Mr. Cockcroft (warmly)._ I say, Sir--and I'm sure all here will bear
me out--that such a sentence was a scandalous abuse of justice. As
a near neighbour, and an intimate friend of PORPENTINE'S, I don't
'esitate to assert that he has done nothing whatever to forfeit our
esteem. He's a quick-tempered man, as we're all aware, and to be asked
by some meddlesome official to show his season, after travelling
on the line constantly for years, and leaving it at home that
morning--why--I don't blame him if he _did_ use his umbrella!
_Mr. Balch. (sympathetically)._ Nor I. PORPENTINE'S a man I've always
had a very 'igh respect for ever since I came into this neighbourhood.
I've always found him a good feller, and a good neighbour.
_Mr. Filkins (deferentially)._ I can't claim to be as intimate with
him as some here; but, if it isn't putting myself too far forward to
say so, I very cordially beg to say ditto to those sentiments.
_Mr. Sibbering_ (_who has never "taken to"_ PORPENTINE). Well, he's
had a sharp lesson,--there's no denying that.
_Mr. Cocker._ Precisely, and it occurs to me that when he--ah--returns
to public life, it would be a kind thing, and a graceful thing, and
a thing he would--ah--appreciate in the spirit it was intended, if
we were to present him with some little token of our sympathy and
unabated esteem--what do you fellers think?
_Mr. Filk._ A most excellent suggestion, if my friend here will allow
me to say so. I, for one, shall be proud to contribute to so worthy an
object.
_Mr. Balch._ I don't see why we shouldn't present him with an
address--'ave it illuminated, and framed and glazed; sort of thing
he could 'ang up and 'and down to his children after him as an
_heirloom_, y' know.
_Mr. Sibb._ I don't like to throw cold water on any proposition, but
if you want _my_ opinion, I must say I see no necessity for making a
public thing of it in that way.
_Mr. Cocker._ I'm with SIBBERING there. The less fuss there is about
it, the better PORPENTINE'll be pleased. My idea is to give him
something of daily use--a _useful_ thing, y' know.
_Mr. Balch._ Useful _or_ ornamental. Why not his own portrait? There's
many an artist who would do him in oils, and guarantee a likeness,
frame included, for a five-pound note.
_Mr. Sibb._ If it's to be like PORPENTINE, it certainly won't be
_ornamental_, whatever else it is.
_Mr. Filk._ It can't be denied that he is remarkably plain in the
face. We'd better, as our friend Mr. COCKCROFT here proposes, make it
something of daily use--a good serviceable silk umberella now--that's
_always_ appropriate.
_Mr. Sibb._ To make up for the one he broke over the collector's head,
eh? that's _appropriate_ enough!
_Mr. Cocker._ No, no; you mean well, FILKINS, but you must see
yourself, on reflection, that there would be a certain want
of--ah--good taste in giving him a thing like that under the
circumstances. I should suggest something like a hatstand--a handsome
one, of course. I happen to know that he has nothing in the passage at
present but a row of pegs.
_Mr. Sibb._ I should have thought he'd been taken down enough pegs
already.
[Illustration: "Well, he's had a sharp lesson,--there's no denying
that."]
_Mr. Filk. (who resents the imputation upon his taste)._ I can't say
what the width of Mr. PORPENTINE'S passage may be, never having been
privileged with an invitation to pass the threshold, but unless it's
wider than ours is, he couldn't get a hatstand in if he tried, and
if my friend COCKCROFT will excuse the remark, I see no sense--to say
nothing of good taste, about which perhaps I mayn't be qualified to
pass an opinion--in giving him an article he's got no room for.
_Mr. Cocker. (with warmth)._ There's room enough in PORPENTINE'S
passage for a whole host of hatstands, if that's all, and I know
what I'm speaking about. I've been in and out there often enough.
I'm--ah--a regular tame cat in that house. But if you're against the
'atstand, I say no more--we'll waive it. How would it do if we gave
him a nice comfortable easy-chair--something he could sit in of an
evening, y' know?
_Mr. Sibb._ A touchy chap like PORPENTINE would be sure to fancy
we thought he wanted something soft after a hard bench and a plank
bed--you can't go and give him _furniture_!
_Mr. Cocker. (with dignity)._ There's a way of doing all things. I
wasn't proposing to go and chuck the chair _at_ him--he's a sensitive
feller in many respects, and he'd feel _that_, I grant you. He can't
object to a little present of that sort just from four friends like
ourselves.
_Mr. Balch. (with a falling countenance)._ Oh! I thought it was to be
a general affair, limited to a small sum, so that all who liked could
join in. I'd no notion you meant to keep it such a private matter as
all that.
_Mr. Filk._ Nor I. And, knowing Mr. PORPENTINE so slightly as I do, he
might consider it presumption in me, making myself so prominent in the
matter--or else I'm sure----
_Mr. Cocker._ There's no occasion for anyone to be prominent, except
myself. You leave it entirely in my 'ands. I'll have the chair taken
up some evening to PORPENTINE'S house on a 'andcart, and drop in, and
just lead up to it carelessly, if you understand me, then go out and
wheel the chair in, make him try it--and there you _are_.
_Mr. Balch._ There _you_ are, right enough; but I don't see where _we_
come in, exactly.
_Mr. Filk._ If it's to be confined to just us four, I certingly think
we ought _all_ to be present at the presentation.
_Mr. Cocker._ That would be just the very thing to put a man like
PORPENTINE out--a crowd dropping in on him like that! I know his ways,
and, seeing I'm providing the chair----
_Mr. Balch. (relieved)._ You are? That's different, of course; but I
thought you said that we four----
_Mr. Cocker._ I'm coming to that. As the prime mover, and a particular
friend of PORPENTINE'S, it's only right and fair I should bear the
chief burden. There's an easy-chair I have at home that only wants
re-covering to be as good as new, and all you fellers need do is to
pay for 'aving it nicely done up in velvet, or what not, and we'll
call it quits.
_Mr. Balch._ I daresay; but I like to know what I'm letting myself
in for; and there's upholsterers who'll charge as much for doing up a
chair as would furnish a room.
_Mr. Filk._ I--I shouldn't feel justified, with my family, and, as,
comparatively speaking, a recent resident, in going beyond a certain
limit, and unless the estimate could be kep' down to a moderate sum, I
really----
_Mr. Sibb. (unmasking)._ After all, you know, I don't see why we
should go to any expense over a stuck-up, cross-grained chap like
PORPENTINE. It's well-known he hasn't a good word to say for us
Jerrymere folks, and considers himself above the lot of us!
_Mr. Balch and Mr. Filk._ I'm bound to say there's a good deal in what
SIBBERING says. PORPENTINE'S never shown himself what _I_ should call
sociable.
_Mr. Cocker._ I've never found him anything but pleasant myself,
whatever he may be to others. I'm not denying he's an _exclusive_ man,
and a _fastidious_ man, but he's been 'arshly treated, and _I_ should
have thought this was an occasion--if ever there was one--for putting
any private feelings aside, and rallying round him to show our respect
and sympathy. But of course if you're going to let petty jealousies
of this sort get the better of you, and leave me to do the 'ole thing
myself, _I've_ no objection. I daresay he'll value it all the more
coming from me.
_Mr. Sibb._ Well, he _ought_ to, after the shameful way he's spoken of
you to a friend of mine in the City, who shall be nameless. You
mayn't know, and if not, it's only right I should mention it, that
he complained bitterly of having to change his regular train on
your account, and said (I'm only repeating his words, mind you) that
Jerrymere was entirely populated by bores, but you were the worst of
the lot, and your jabber twice a day was more than he _could_ stand.
He mayn't have _meant_ anything by it, but it was decidedly uncalled
for.
_Mr. Cockcr. (reddening)._ I 'ope I'm above being affected by
the opinion any man may express of my conversation--especially a
cantankerous feller, who can't keep his temper under decent control. A
feller who goes and breaks his umbrella over an unoffending official's
'ead like that, and gets, very properly, locked up for it! Jerrymere
society isn't good enough for him, it seems. He won't be troubled with
much of it in future--_I_ can assure him! Upon my word, now I come
to think of it, I'm not sure he shouldn't be called upon for an
explanation of how he came to be travelling without a ticket; it looks
very much to me as if he'd been systematically defrauding the Company!
_Mr. Filk._ Well, I didn't like to say so before; but that's been _my_
view all along!
_Mr. Balch._ And mine.
_Mr. Sibb._ Now perhaps you understand why we'd rather leave it to you
to give him the arm-chair.
_Mr. Cockcr._ _I_ give a man an arm-chair for bringing disgrace on the
'ole of Jerrymere! I'd sooner break it up for firewood! Whoever it was
that first started all this tomfoolery about a testimonial, I'm not
going to 'ave _my_ name associated with it, and if you'll take
_my_ advice, you'll drop it once and for all, for it's only making
yourselves ridiculous! [_His companions, observing that he is in
a somewhat excited condition, consider it advisable to change the
subject._
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