There was a dull smell of camphor; a farther sense of coolness and
prickling wet on Holmes's hot, cracking face and hands; then silence
and sleep again. Sometime--when, he never knew--a gray light stinging
his eyes like pain, and again a slow sinking into warm, unsounded
darkness and unconsciousness. It might be years, it might be ages.
Even in after-life, looking back, he never broke that time into weeks
or days: people might so divide it for him, but he was uncertain,
always: it was a vague vacuum in his memory: he had drifted out of
coarse, measured life into some out-coast of eternity, and slept in its
calm. When, by long degrees, the shock of outer life jarred and woke
him, it was feebly done: he came back reluctant, weak: the quiet
clinging to him, as if he had been drowned in Lethe, and had brought
its calming mist with him out of the shades.
The low chatter of voices, the occasional lifting of his head on the
pillow, the very soothing draught, came to him unreal at first: parts
only of the dull, lifeless pleasure. There was a sharper memory
pierced it sometimes, making him moan and try to sleep,--a remembrance
of great, cleaving pain, of falling giddily, of owing life to some one,
and being angry that he owed it, in the pain. Was it he that had borne
it? He did not know,--nor care: it made him tired to think. Even when
he heard the name, Stephen Holmes, it had but a far-off meaning: he
never woke enough to know if it were his or not. He learned, long
after, to watch the red light curling among the shavings in the grate
when they made a fire in the evenings, to listen to the voices of the
women by the bed, to know that the pleasantest belonged to the one with
the low, shapeless figure, and to call her Lois, when he wanted a
drink, long before he knew himself.
They were very long, pleasant days in early December. The sunshine was
pale, but it suited his hurt eyes better: it crept slowly in the
mornings over the snuff-coloured carpet on the floor, up the brown
foot-board of the bed, and, when the wind shook the window-curtains,
made little crimson pools of mottled light over the ceiling,--curdling
pools, that he liked to watch: going off, from the clean gray walls,
and rustling curtain, and transparent crimson, into sleeps that lasted
all day.
He was not conscious how he knew he was in a hospital: but he did know
it, vaguely; thought sometimes of the long halls outside of the door,
with ranges of rooms opening into them, like this, and of very barns of
rooms on the other side of the building with rows of white cots where
the poorer patients lay: a stretch of travel from which his brain came
back to his snug fireplace, quite tired, and to Lois sitting knitting
by it. He called the little Welsh-woman, "Sister," too, who used to
come in a stuff dress, and white bands about her face, to give his
medicine, and gossip with Lois in the evening: she had a comical voice,
like a cricket chirping. There was another with a real Scotch brogue,
who came and listened sometimes, bringing a basket of undarned
stockings: the doctor told him one day how fearless and skilful she
was, every summer going to New Orleans when the yellow fever came. She
died there the next June: but Holmes never, somehow, could realize a
martyr in the cheery, freckled-faced woman whom he always remembered
darning stockings in the quiet fire-light. It was very quiet; the
voices about him were pleasant and low. If he had drifted from any
shock of pain into a sleep like death, some of the stillness hung about
him yet; but the outer life was homely and fresh and natural.
The doctor used to talk to him a little; and sometimes one or two of
the patients from the eye-ward would grow tired of sitting about in the
garden-alleys, and would loiter in, if Lois would give them leave; but
their talk wearied him, jarred him as strangely as if one had begun on
politics and price-currents to the silent souls in Hades. It was
enough thought for him to listen to the whispered stories of the
sisters in the long evenings, and, half-heard, try and make an end to
them; to look drowsily down into the garden, where the afternoon
sunshine was still so summer-like that a few holly-hocks persisted in
showing their honest red faces along the walls, and the very leaves
that filled the paths would not wither, but kept up a wholesome ruddy
brown. One of the sisters had a poultry-yard in it, which he could
see: the wall around it was of stone covered with a brown feathery
lichen, which every rooster in that yard was determined to stand on, or
perish in the attempt; and Holmes would watch, through the quiet,
bright mornings, the frantic ambition of the successful aspirant with
an amused smile.
"One 'd thenk," said Lois, sagely, "a chicken never stood on a wall
before, to hear 'em, or a hen laid an egg."
Nor did Holmes smile once because the chicken burlesqued man: his
thought was too single for that yet. It was long, too, before he
thought of the people who came in quietly to see him as anything but
shadows, or wished for them to come again. Lois, perhaps, was the most
real thing in life then to him: growing conscious, day by day, as he
watched her, of his old life over the gulf. Very slowly conscious: with
a weak groping to comprehend the sudden, awful change that had come on
him, and then forgetting his old life, and the change, and the pity he
felt for himself, in the vague content of the fire-lit room, and his
nurse with her interminable knitting through the long afternoons, while
the sky without would thicken and gray, and a few still flakes of snow
would come drifting down to whiten the brown fields,--with no chilly
thought of winter, but only to make the quiet autumn more quiet.
Whatever honest, commonplace affection was in the man came out in a
simple way to this Lois, who ruled his sick whims and crotchets in such
a quiet, sturdy fashion. Not because she had risked her life to save
his; even when he understood that, he recalled it with an uneasy, heavy
gratitude; but the drinks she made him, and the plot they laid to
smuggle in some oysters in defiance of all rules, and the cheerful,
pock-marked face, he never forgot.
Doctor Knowles came sometimes, but seldom: never talked, when he did
come: late in the evening generally: and then would punch his skin, and
look at his tongue, and shake the bottles on the mantel-shelf with a
grunt that terrified Lois into the belief that the other doctor was a
quack, and her patient was totally undone. He would sit, grum enough,
with his feet higher than his head, chewing an unlighted cigar, and
leave them both thankful when he saw proper to go.
The truth is, Knowles was thoroughly out of place in these little
mending-shops called sick-chambers, where bodies are taken to pieces,
and souls set right. He had no faith in your slow, impalpable cures:
all reforms were to be accomplished by a wrench, from the abolition of
slavery to the pulling of a tooth.
He had no especial sympathy with Holmes, either: the men were started
in life from opposite poles: and with all the real tenderness under his
surly, rugged habit, it would have been hard to touch him with the
sudden doom fallen on this man, thrown crippled and penniless upon the
world, helpless, it might be, for life. He would have been apt to tell
you, savagely, that "he wrought for it."
Besides, it made him out of temper to meet the sisters. Knowles could
have sketched for you with a fine decision of touch the role played by
the Papal power in the progress of humanity,--how far it served as a
stepping-stone, and the exact period when it became a wearisome clog.
The world was done with it now,--utterly. Its breath was only poisoned,
with coming death. So the homely live charity of these women, their
work, which no other hands were ready to take, jarred against his
abstract theory, and irritated him, as an obstinate fact always does
run into the hand of a man who is determined to clutch the very heart
of a matter. Truth will not underlie all facts, in this muddle of a
world, in spite of the Positive Philosophy, you know.
Don't sneer at Knowles. Your own clear, tolerant brain, that reflects
all men and creeds alike, like colourless water, drawing the truth from
all, is very different, doubtless, from this narrow, solitary soul, who
thought the world waited for him to fight down his one evil before it
went on its slow way. An intolerant fanatic, of course. But the truth
he did know was so terribly real to him, there was such sick, throbbing
pity in his heart for men who suffered as he had done! And then,
fanatics must make history for conservative men to learn from, I
suppose.
If Knowles shunned the hospital, there was another place he shunned
more,--the place where his Communist buildings were to have stood. He
went out there once, as one might go alone to bury his dead out of his
sight, the day after the mill was burnt,--looking first at the smoking
mass of hot bricks and charred shingles, so as clearly to understand
how utterly dead his life-long scheme was. He stalked gravely around
it, his hands in his pockets; the hodmen who were raking out their
winter's firewood from the ashes remarking, that "old Knowles didn't
seem a bit cut up about it." Then he went out to the farm he had meant
to buy, as I told you, and looked at it in the same stolid way. It was
a dull day in October. The river crawled moodily past his feet, the
dingy prairie stretched drearily away on the other side, while the
heavy-browed Indiana hills stood solemnly looking down the plateau
where the buildings were to have risen.
Well, most men have some plan of life, into which all the strength and
the keen, fine feeling of their nature enter; but generally they try to
make it real in early youth, and, balked then, laugh ever afterwards at
their own folly. This poor old Knowles had begun to block out his
dream when he was a gaunt, gray-haired man of sixty. I have known men
so build their heart's blood, and brains into their work, that, when it
tumbled down, their lives went with it. His fell that dull day in
October; but if it hurt him, no man knew it. He sat there, looking at
the broad plateau, whistling softly to himself, a long time. He had
meant that a great many hearts should be made better and happier there;
he had dreamed----God knows what he had dreamed, of which this reality
was the foundation,--of how much world-freedom, or beauty, or kindly
life this was the heart or seed. It was all over now. All the
afternoon the muddy sky hung low over the hills and dull prairie, while
he sat there looking at the dingy gloom: just as you and I have done,
perhaps, some time, thwarted in some true hope,--sore and bitter
against God, because He did not see how much His universe needed our
pet reform.
He got up at last, and without a sigh went slowly away, leaving the
courage and self-reliance of his life behind him, buried with that one
beautiful, fair dream of life. He never came back again. People said
Knowles was quieter since his loss; but I think only God saw the depth
of the difference. When he was leaving the plateau, that day, he
looked back at it, as if to say good-bye,--not to the dingy fields and
river, but to the Something he had nursed so long in his rugged heart,
and given up now forever. As he looked, the warm, red sun came out,
lighting up with a heartsome warmth the whole gray day. Some blessing
power seemed to look at him from this grave yard of his hopes, from the
gloomy hills, the prairie, and the river, which he never was to see
again. His hope accomplished could not have looked at him with surer
content and fulfilment. He turned away, ungrateful and moody. Long
afterwards he remembered the calm and brightness which his hand had not
been raised to make, and understood the meaning of its promise.
He went to work now in earnest: he had to work for his
bread-and-butter, you understand? Restless, impatient at first; but we
will forgive him that: you yourself were not altogether submissive,
perhaps, when the slow-built expectation of life was destroyed by some
chance, as you called it, no more controllable than this paltry burning
of a mill. Yet, now that the great hope was gone on which his brain
had worked with rigid, fierce intentness, now that his hands were
powerless to redeem a perishing class, he had time to fall into
careless, kindly habit: he thought it wasted time, remorsefully, of
course. He was seized with a curiosity to know what plan in living
these people had who crossed his way on the streets; if they were
disappointed, like him. Humbled, he hardly knew why: vague, uncertain
in action. Quit dogging old Huff with his advice; trotted about the
streets with a cowed look, that, if one could have seen into the jaded
old heart under his snuffy waistcoat, would have seemed pitiful enough.
He went sometimes to read the papers to old Tim Poole, who was
bed-ridden, and did not pish or pshaw once at his maundering about
secession, or the misery in his back. Went to church sometimes: the
sermons were bigotry, always, to his notion, sitting on a back seat,
squirting tobacco-juice about him; but the simple, old-fashioned hymns
brought the tears to his eyes:--"They sounded to him like his mother's
voice, singing in Paradise:" he hoped she could not see how things had
gone on here,--how all that was honest and strong in his life had
fallen in that infernal mill. Once or twice he went down Crane Alley,
and lumbered up three pair of stairs to the garret where Kitts had his
studio,--got him orders, in fact, for two portraits; and when that
pale-eyed young man, in a fit of confidence, one night, with a very red
face drew back the curtain from his grand "Fall of Chapultepec," and
watched him with a lean and hungry look, Knowles, who knew no more
about painting than a gorilla, walked about, looking through his fist
at it, saying, "how fine the chiaroscuro was, and that it was a
devilish good thing altogether." "Well, well," he soothed his
conscience, going downstairs, "maybe that bit of canvas is as much to
that poor chap as the Phalanstery was once to another fool." And so
went on through the gas-lit streets into his parishes in cellars and
alleys, with a sorer heart, but cheerfuller words, now that he had
nothing but words to give.
The only place where he hardened his heart was in the hospital with
Holmes. After he had wakened to full consciousness, Knowles thought
the man a beast to sit there uncomplaining day after day, cold and
grave, as if the lifeful warmth of the late autumn were enough for him.
Did he understand the iron fate laid on him? Where was the strength of
the self-existent soul now? Did he know that it was a balked, defeated
life, that waited for him, vacant of the triumphs he had planned? "The
self-existent soul! stopped in its growth by chance, this omnipotent
deity,--the chance burning of a mill!" Knowles muttered to himself,
looking at Holmes. With a dim flash of doubt, as he said it, whether
there might not, after all, be a Something,--some deep of calm, of
eternal order, where he and Holmes, these coarse chances, these
wrestling souls, these creeds, Catholic or Humanitarian, even that
namby-pamby Kitts and his picture, might be unconsciously working out
their part. Looking out of the hospital-window, he saw the deep of the
stainless blue, impenetrable, with the stars unconscious in their
silence of the maddest raging of the petty world. There was such calm!
such infinite love and justice! it was around, above him; it held him,
it held the world,--all Wrong, all Right! For an instant the turbid
heart of the man cowered, awestruck, as yours or mine has done when
some swift touch of music or human love gave us a cleaving glimpse of
the great I AM. The next, he opened the newspaper in his hand. What
part in the eternal order could THAT hold? or slavery, or secession, or
civil war? No harmony could be infinite enough to hold such discords,
he thought, pushing the whole matter from him in despair. Why, the
experiment of self-government, the problem of the ages, was crumbling
in ruin! So he despaired, just as Tige did the night the mill fell
about his ears, in full confidence that the world had come to an end
now, without hope of salvation,--crawling out of his cellar in dumb
amazement, when the sun rose as usual the next morning.
Knowles sat, peering at Holmes over his paper, watching the languid
breath that showed how deep the hurt had been, the maimed body, the
face outwardly cool, watchful, reticent as before. He fancied the
slough of disappointment into which God had crushed the soul of this
man: would he struggle out? Would he take Miss Herne as the first step
in his stair-way, or be content to be flung down in vigorous manhood to
the depth of impotent poverty? He could not tell if the quiet on
Holmes's face were stolid defiance or submission: the dumb kings might
have looked thus beneath the feet of Pharaoh. When he walked over the
floor, too, weak as he was it was with the old iron tread. He asked
Knowles presently what business he had gone into.
"My old hobby in an humble way,--the House of Refuge."
They both laughed.
"Yes, it is true. The janitor points me out to visitors as
'under-superintendent, a philanthropist in decayed circumstances.'
Perhaps it is my life-work,"--growing sad and earnest.
"If you can inoculate these infant beggars and thieves with your
theory, it will be practice when you are dead."
"I think that," said Knowles, gravely, his eye kindling,--"I think
that."
"As thankless a task as that of Moses," said the other, watching him
curiously. "For YOU will not see the pleasant land,--YOU will not go
over."
The old man's flabby face darkened.
"I know," he said.
He glanced involuntarily out at the blue, and the clear-shining,
eternal stars.
"I suppose," he said, after a while, cheerfully, "I must content myself
with Lois's creed, here,--'It'll come right some time.'"
Lois looked up from the saucepan she was stirring, her face growing
quite red, nodding emphatically some half-dozen times.
"After all," said Holmes, kindly, "this chance may have forced you on
the true road to success for your new system of Sociology. Only
untainted natures could be fitted for self-government. Do you find the
fallow field easily worked?"
Knowles fidgeted uneasily.
"No. Fact is, I'm beginning to think there 's a good deal of an
obstacle in blood. I find difficulty, much difficulty, Sir, in giving
to the youngest child true ideas of absolute freedom, and unselfish
heroism."
"You teach them these by reason alone?" said Holmes, gravely.
"Well,--of course,--that is the true theory; reason is the only yoke
that should be laid upon a free-born soul; but I--I find it necessary
to have them whipped, Mr. Holmes."
Holmes stooped suddenly to pat Tiger, hiding a furtive smile. The old
man went on, anxiously,--
"Old Mr. Howth says that is the end of all self-governments: from
anarchy to despotism, he says. Brute force must come in. Old people
are apt to be set in their ways, you know. Honestly, we do not find
unlimited freedom answer in the House. I hope much from a woman's
assistance: I have destined her for this work always: she has great
latent power of sympathy and endurance, such as can bring the Christian
teaching home to these wretches."
"The Christian?" said Holmes.
"Well, yes. I am not a believer myself, you know; but I find that it
takes hold of these people more vitally than more abstract faiths: I
suppose because of the humanity of Jesus. In Utopia, of course, we
shall live from scientific principles; but they do not answer in the
House."
"Who is the woman?" asked Holmes, carelessly.
The other watched him keenly.
"She is coming for five years. Margret Howth."
He patted the dog with the same hard, unmoved touch.
"It is a religious duty with her. Besides, she must do something.
They have been almost starving since the mill was burnt."
Holmes's face was bent; he could not see it. When he looked up,
Knowles thought it more rigid, immovable than before.
When Knowles was going away, Holmes said to him,--
"When does Margret Howth go into that devils' den?"
"The House? On New-Year's." The scorn in him was too savage to be
silent. "It is the best time to begin a new life. Yourself, now, you
will have fulfilled your design by that time,--of marriage?"
Holmes was leaning on the mantel-shelf; his very lips were pale.
"Yes, I shall, I shall,"--in his low, hard tone.
Some sudden dream of warmth and beauty flashed before his gray eyes,
lighting them as Knowles never had seen before.
"Miss Herne is beautiful,--let me congratulate you, in Western fashion."
The old man did not hide his sneer.
Holmes bowed.
"I thank you, for her."
Lois held the candle to light the Doctor out of the long passages.
"Yoh hev n't seen Barney out 't Mr. Howth's, Doctor? He's ther' now."
"No. When shall you have done waiting on this--man, Lois? God help
you, child!"
Lois's quick instinct answered,--
"He's very kind. He's like a woman fur kindness to such as me. When I
come to die, I'd like eyes such as his to look at, tender, pitiful."
"Women are fools alike," grumbled the Doctor. "Never mind. 'When you
come to die?' What put that into your head? Look up."
The child sheltered the flaring candle with her hand.
"I've no tho't o' dyin'," she said, laughing.
There was a gray shadow about her eyes, a peaked look to the face, he
never saw before, looking at her now with a physician's eyes.
"Does anything hurt you here?" touching her chest.
"It's better now. It was that night o' th' fire. Th' breath o' th'
mill, I thenk,--but it's nothin'."
"Burning copperas? Of course it's better! Oh, that's nothing!" he
said, cheerfully.
When they reached the door, he held out his hand, the first time he
ever had done it to her, and then waited, patting her on the head.
"I think it'll come right, Lois," he said, dreamily, looking out into
the night. "You're a good girl. I think it'll all come right. For
you and me. Some time. Good-night, child."
After he was a long way down the street, he turned to nod good-night
again to the comical little figure in the door-way.