The Kaiser has again visited the High Seas Fleet in security at
Wilhelmshaven. Enthusiastic applause greeted the brief speech in which
he urged them "to stick to it."
***
There is no truth in the rumour that one of the recently escaped Huns
got away disguised as Mr. RAMSAY MACDONALD.
***
Some commotion was caused in the Strand last week when a policeman
accused a man of whistling for a taxi-cab. Later, however, the
policeman accepted the gentleman's plea that he was not whistling, but
that was his natural face.
***
From the latest reports from Dover we gather that this year the
Channel has decided to swim Great Britain.
***
As a result of the excessive rain a nigger troupe at Margate were seen
to pale visibly.
***
Fortunately for the Americans there is one man who will stand by them
in their hour of trouble. According to a Spanish news message Mr. JACK
JOHNSON has decided not to return to America.
***
Owing to the scarcity of matches we understand that many smokers now
adopt the plan of waiting for the fire-engine to turn out and then
proceed to the conflagration to get a light.
***
A catfish has been caught at Hastings. It died worth a lady's gold
bracelet and a small pocket-knife.
***
The Norwegian explorer, ROALD AMUNDSEN, is preparing for a trip to the
North Pole in 1918. Additional interest now attaches to this spot as
being the only territory whose neutrality the Germans have omitted to
violate.
***
Russian tea is being sold in London at 12s. 7d. a pound. It is
remarkable that, with the country in its present disorganised
condition, the Russian merchants can still hold their own without the
assistance of a Food Controller.
***
A room for quick luncheons, not to cost more than 1s. 3d., has been
opened in Northumberland Avenue for busy Government officials. It is
hoped eventually to provide room to enable a few other people to join
the GEDDES family at their mid-day meal.
***
KING CONSTANTINE, says a despatch, has rented an expensive villa
overlooking Lake Zurich. Just the thing for an ex-pensive monarch.
***
We are requested to say that the man named Smith, charged at Bow
Police Court the other day, is in no way connected with the other Mr.
Smiths.
***
At a vegetable show at Godalming, 5,780 dead butterflies were
exhibited by children. It is understood that the pacifists are
protesting against this encouragement of the martial spirit among
the young.
***
Considerable annoyance has been caused in Government circles by the
announcement that "at last the War Office has been aroused." Officials
there, however, deny the accusation.
***
The CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER has received four hundred pounds from
an anonymous donor towards the cost of the War. The donor, it appears,
omitted to specify which part of the War he would like to pay for.
***
Germany has at last addressed a reply to the Argentine Republic,
pointing out that strict orders have been issued to U-boat commanders
that ships flying the Argentine flag must always be torpedoed by
accident.
***
Mammoth marrows have been reported from several districts, and it is
now rumoured that Sir DOUGLAS HAIG is busy developing a giant squash.
***
An official report states that there are three hundred and forty-three
ice-cream shops in Wandsworth. Unfortunately this is not the only
indication of an early winter.
***
A potato closely resembling the German CROWN PRINCE has been dug up
at Reading. This is very good for a beginning, but our amateur
potato-growers must produce a HINDENBURG if we are to win the War.
***
A woman walked into a shop at Cuckfield and settled a bill sent to her
twenty-four years ago, but it is not stated whether she was really
able to obtain any sugar.
***
The R.S.P.C.A. grows more and more alert. A man who hid three and a
half pounds of stolen margarine in his horse's nose-bag has just been
fined five pounds.
***
"Dogs," says the Acton magistrate, "are not allowed to bite people
they dislike." All the same there have been times when we have felt
that it would have been an act of supererogation to explain to the
postman that our dog was really attached to him.
***
A taxi-cab driver has been fined two pounds for using abusive
language to a policeman. Only his explanation, that he thought he was
addressing a fare, saved him from a heavier penalty.
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Doctor_. "YOUR THROAT IS IN A VERY BAD STATE. HAVE
YOU EVER TRIED GARGLING WITH SALT WATER?"
_Skipper_. "YUS, I'VE BEEN TORPEDOED SIX TIMES."]
* * * * *