about _such_ things, there comes an affair of that very sort! I’m in a
frightful mess through no fault of my own. Just after 9 to-day a girl
from the Second came in to our Mathematic lesson and said: “The head
mistress wishes to see Lainer, Bruckner, and Franke in the office
directly.” All the girls looked at us, but we did not know why. When we
came into the office, the door of the head’s room was shut and Fraulein
N. told us to wait. Then the head came out and called me in. Inside a
lady was sitting, and she looked at me through a lorgnon. “Do you spend
much time with Zerkwitz?” asked the head. “Yes, said I,” and I had a
foreboding. “This lady is Zerkwitz’s mother, she complains that you talk
about very improper things with her daughter; is it so?” “Hella and I
never wanted to tell her anything; but she begged us to again and again,
and besides we thought she really knew it anyhow and only pretended she
didn’t.” “_What_ did you think she knew, and what did you talk to her
about?” broke in Anneliese’s mother. “Excuse me,” said the head, “I will
examine the girls; so Bruckner was concerned in the matter too?” “Very
seldom,” said I; “Yes, the chief offender is Lainer, _the girl whose
mother died recently_.” Then I choked down my tears, and said: “We
should never have said a word about these matters unless Anneliese had
kept on at us.” After that I would not answer any more questions. Then
Hella was called in. She told me afterwards that she knew what was
up directly she saw my face. “What have you been talking about to
Zerkwitz?” Hella would not say at first, but then she said in as few
words as possible: “About getting babies, and about being married!”
“Gracious goodness, such little brats, and to talk about _such_ things,”
said Anneliese’s mother. “Such corrupt minds.” “We did not believe
that Anneliese did not _really_ know, or we should never have told
her anything,” said Hella just as I had; she was simply splendid. “As
regards Alfred, we have nothing to do with that, and we have often
advised her not to allow him to meet her coming home from school; but
she would not listen to us.” “I am talking about your conversations
with which you have corrupted the poor innocent child,” said Frau von
Zerkwitz. “She certainly must have known something about it before, or
she would not have gone with Alfred or wanted to talk about it with us,”
said Hella. “Heavenly Father, that is worse still; such corruptness
of mind!” Then we were sent out of the room. Outside, Hella cried
frightfully, and so did I, for we were afraid there would be a row at
home. We could not go back into the Mathematic lesson because we had
been crying such a lot. In the interval Hella walked past Anneliese and
said out loud: “Traitress!!” and spat at her. For that she was ordered
out of the ranks. I stepped out of the ranks too, and when Frau
Professor Kreindl said: “Not you, Lainer, you go on,” I said: “Excuse
me, I spat at her _too_,” and went and stood beside Hella. All the girls
looked at us. It was plain that Frau Prof. Kreindl knew all about it
already for she did not say any more. In the German lesson from 11 to 12
Frau Doktor M. said: “Girls, why can’t you keep the peace together? This
continual misconduct is really too bad, and serves only to make trouble
for you and for your parents and for us.” Just before 12 Hella and
I were summoned to the head’s room again. “Girls,” she said, “it’s
a horrible business this. Even if your own imaginations have been
prematurely poisoned, why should you try to corrupt others? As for
you, Lainer, you ought to be especially ashamed of yourself that such
complaints should be made of you when your mother has been buried only
a few weeks.” “Excuse me,” said Hella, “all this happened in the spring,
and even earlier, in the winter, for we were still skating at the time.
Rita’s mother was pretty well then. Besides, Zerkwitz was continually
pestering us to tell her. I often warned Rita, and said: ‘Don’t
trust her,’ but she was quite infatuated with Zerkwitz. Please, Frau
Direktorin, don’t say anything about it to Rita’s father, for he would
be frightfully upset.”
Hella was simply splendid, I shall never forget. She does not want me to
write that; we are writing together. Hella thinks we must write it all
down word for word, for one never can tell what use it may be. No one
ever had a friend like Hella, and she is so brave and clever. “You are
just as clever,” she says, “but you get so easily overawed, and besides
you are still quite nervous because of your mother’s death. I only hope
your father won’t hear anything about it.” That stupid idiot dug up the
old story about the two students on the ice, a thing that was over and
done with ages ago. “You should never trust anyone,” says Hella, and
she’s perfectly right. I never could have believed Anneliese would be
such a sneak. We don’t know yet what was up with Franke. As she came in
she put her finger to her lips, meaning of course “Betray nothing!”
June 15th. The school inspector came to-day. I was at the blackboard in
the Maths lesson, when there was a knock at the door and the head came
in with the Herr Insp. For a moment I thought he had come about _that
matter_, and I went as white as a sheet (at least the girls say I
did; Hella says I looked like Niobe mourning for her children). Thank
goodness, the sum was an easy one, and besides I can always do sums; in
Maths and French I am the best in the class. But the Herr Insp. saw that
I had tears in my eyes and said something to the head; then the head
said: “She has recently lost her mother.” Then the Herr Insp. praised
me, and like a stupid idiot I must needs begin to howl. The head said:
“It’s all right L., sit down,” and stroked my hair. She is so awfully
sweet, and I do hope that she and Frau Doktor M. will say a word for me
at the Staff Meeting. And I do hope that Father won’t hear anything of
it, for of course he would reproach me dreadfully because it all comes
so soon after Mother’s death. But really it all happened long before
that. The way it all happened was that Hella’s mother went away to see
Emmy, her married niece, who was _having her first baby_. And then it
was that we told the “innocent child” (that’s what we call the deceitful
cat) everything. Hella still thinks that the “innocent child” was a
humbug. That is quite likely, for after all she is nearly fourteen; and
at 14 one must _surely_ know a great deal already; it’s impossible
that at that age a girl can continue to believe in the stork story, as
Anneliese is said!!! to have done. Hella thinks that I shall soon be
“developed” too, because I always have such black rings under my eyes. I
overheard Frau von Zerkwitz say, “Little brats;” but Hella says that
the head _hemmed loudly to drown it_. Afterwards Hella was in fits of
laughter over the expression “little brats” for her mother always says
about _such_ things; _Little brats_ like you have no concern with such
matters. Good Lord, when is one to learn all about it if one does not
know when one is nearly 14! As a matter of fact both Hella and I learned
these things _very early_, and it has not done us any harm. Hella’s
mother always says that if one learns such things too early one gets to
look old; but of course that’s nonsense. But why do mothers not want us
to know? I suppose they’re just ashamed.
June 16th. Yesterday evening after we had gone to bed, Dora said: “What
were you really talking about to Z., or whatever her name is? The head
called me into the office to-day and told me that you had been talking
of improper matters. She said I must watch over you in _Mother’s
place!_” Well that would be a fine thing! Besides, it all happened when
Mother was still alive. A mother never knows what children are talking
of together. Dora thinks that I shall have a written Reprimand from the
Staff Meeting. I should hate that because of Father; that would mean
another fearful row; although Father is really awfully sweet now; I have
not had a single rowing since Mother first got ill. It’s quite true that
death makes people gentle, but why? Really one would have thought people
would get disagreeable, because they’ve been so much distressed. Last
week the tombstone was put up and we all went to see it. I should like
to go alone to the cemetery once at least, for one does not like to weep
before the others.
June 18th. The “innocent child” does not come to gym. any longer, at
least she has not been since _that affair_. We think she’s afraid,
although we should not say anything to her. We punish her with _silent
contempt_, she’ll _feel_ that _more than anything_. And thank goodness
she does not come to play tennis. I do hate people who are _deceitful_,
for one never knows where to have them. When a girl tells an outright
cram, then I can at least say to her: Oh, clear out, don’t tell such a
frightful whacker; I was not born yesterday. But one has no safeguard
against _deceitfulness_. That’s why I don’t like cats. We have another
name for the “innocent child,” we call her the “red cat.” I think she
knows. Day after tomorrow is the school outing to Carnuntum. I am so
excited. We have to be at the quay at half past 7.
June 21st. The outing was lovely. Hella was to come and fetch me. But
she overslept herself, so her mother took a taxi; and luckily I had
waited for her. I should like to be always driving in a taxi. Dora would
not wait, and went away at a quarter to 7 by electric car. At a quarter
to 8 Hella came in the taxi, and just before the ship weighed anchor (I
believe one ought only to say that of a sailing ship at sea, but it does
not matter, I’m not Marina who knows _everything_ about the navy), that
is just at the right moment, we arrived. They all stared at us when we
came rushing up in the taxi. I tumbled down as I got out of the car, it
was stupid; but I don’t think they all noticed it. Aunt Dora said that
for this one day we had better put off our mourning, and Father said so
too, so we wore our white embroidered frocks and Aunt Dora was awfully
good and had made us black sashes; it looked frightfully smart, and they
say that people wear mourning like that in America. I do love America,
the land of liberty. Boys (that is young students) and girls go to
school _together_ there!! -- -- -- But about the outing. In the boat we
sat next Frau Doktor M., she was awfully nice; Hella was on the right
and I was on the left, and we sat so close that she said: “Girls, you’re
squashing me, or at least you’re crushing my dress!” She was wearing a
white frock and had a coral necklace which suited her simply splendidly.
When we were near Hainburg Hella’s hat fell into the Danube, and all the
girls screamed because they thought a child had fallen overboard. But
thank goodness it was only the hat. We went up the Schlossberg and had a
lovely view, that is, _I_ did not look at anything except Frau Doktor
M. because she was so lovely; Professor Wilke was with us, and he went
about with her all the time. The girls say he will probably marry her,
perhaps in the holidays. Oh dear, _that_ would be horrid. Hella thinks
that is quite out of the question because of the German professor;
at any rate it would be better for her to marry Professor W. than the
other, because he is said to be a Jew. “Still, with regard to all the
things that hang upon marriage, it’s the same with every man,” said I.
“That’s just the chief point, you little goose,” said Hella. And Frau
Doktor M. said: “Do you allow your chum to talk to you like that? What
is the chief point?” I was just going to say: “We _can’t_ tell you
_that_,” when Hella interrupted me and said: “Just because I’m her chum
I can talk to her like that; she would not let anyone else do it.” Then
we went to dinner. Unfortunately we did not sit next “_her_.” We
had veal cutlets and four pieces of chocolate cake, and as the Herr
Religionsprof. went by he said: “How many weeks have you been fasting?”
Before dinner we went to the museum to see the things they had dug up in
the Roman camp. The head mistress and Fraulein V. explained everything.
It was most instructive. In the afternoon we went to Deutsch-Altenburg.
It was great fun at tea. Then we had games and all the staff joined in,
the Fifth had got up a comedy by one of the girls. We were all in fits
of laughter. Then suddenly there came along a whole troop of officers
of the flying corps, frightfully smart, and one of them sat down at the
piano and began to play dance music. Another came up to the head and
begged her to allow the “young ladies” to dance. The head did not want
to at first, but all the girls of the Fifth and Sixth begged her to,
and the Herr Rel. Prof. said: “Oh, Frau Direktorin, let them have the
innocent pleasure,” and so they really were allowed to dance. The rest
of us either danced with one another or looked on. And then, when Hella
and I were standing right in front, up came a splendid lieutenant and
said: “May I venture to separate the two friends for a little dance?”
“If you please,” said I, and sailed off with him. To dance with a
lieutenant is glorious. Then the same lieutenant danced with Hella and
in the evening on the way home she said that the lieutenant had really
wanted to dance with her first, but I had been so prompt with my “If
you please” and had placed my hand on his shoulder. Of course that’s
not true, but it is not a thing one would quarrel about with one’s best
friend, and anyhow he danced with both of us. Unfortunately we were
not able to dance very long because we got so hot. Oh, and I had almost
forgotten, a captain with a black moustache saluted Frau Doktor M., for
they know one another. She blushed furiously; so he is probably the man
she will marry, and not Herr Prof. Wilke and not the Jewish professor.
He would please me a great deal better. They were all so awfully smart!
Before we left a lieutenant brought in a huge bunch of roses, and the
officers gave a rose to each member of the staff, the ladies I mean.
Then something awfully funny happened. There is a girl in the Sixth who
looks quite old, as if she might be 24, and “our” lieutenant offered her
a rose too. And then she said: “No thank you, I am not one of the
staff, I’m in the Sixth.” Everyone burst out laughing, and she was quite
abashed because the lieutenant had taken her for one of the staff. And
the Herr Rel. Prof. said to her: “Tschapperl, you might just as well
have taken it.” But really she was quite right to refuse. I think there
must have been 20 officers at least. Of course Hella told the lieutenant
that she was a colonel’s daughter. I wonder if we shall ever see him
again.
I am writing this four days after the outing. Dora told me yesterday
that when I was dancing with the lieutenant the Herr Rel. Prof. said to
the Frau Direktorin: “Do just look at that young Lainer; little rogue,
see what eyes she’s making.” Making eyes, forsooth! I did not make eyes,
besides, what does it mean anyhow to make eyes!! Of course I did not
shut my eyes; if I had I should probably have fallen down, and then
everyone would have laughed. And I don’t like being laughed at. I hardly
saw Dora all through the outing, and she did not dance. She said very
cuttingly: “Of course not, for after all we _are_ in mourning, even if
we did wear white dresses; you are only a child, for whom that sort of
thing does not matter.” _That sort of thing_, as if I had done something
dreadful! I don’t love Mother any the less, and I don’t forget her.
Father was quite different; the day before yesterday evening he said:
“So my little witch has made a conquest; you’re beginning early. But
it’s no good taking up with an officer, little witch, they’re too
expensive.” But I would like to have the lieutenant, I would go up
with him in an aeroplane, up, up, till we both got quite giddy. In the
religion lesson yesterday, when the Herr Prof. came in he laughed like
anything and said: “Hullo, Lainer, is the world still spinning round
you? The Herr Leutnant has not been able to sleep since.” So I suppose
he knows him. Still, I’m quite sure that he has not lost his sleep on my
account, though very likely he said so. If I only knew what his name is,
perhaps Leo or Romeo; yes, Romeo, that would suit him admirably!
June 26th. When I was writing hard yesterday Aunt Alma came with Marina
and that jackanapes Erwin who was really responsible for all the row
that time. Since Mother died we have been meeting again. I don’t think
Mother liked Aunt Alma much, nor she her. Just as Father and Aunt Dora
are not particularly fond of one another. It is so in most families, the
father does not care much for the mother’s brothers and sisters and vice
versa. I wonder why? I wonder whether _He_ has a fiancee, probably he
has, and what she looks like. I wish I knew whether He likes brown hair
or fair hair or black hair best. But about the visit! Of course Marina
and I were _very_ standoffish. She is so frightfully conceited because
she goes to the Training College. As if that were something magnificent!
The High School is much more important, for from the High School one
goes on to the university, but not from the Training College; and they
don’t learn English, nor French properly, for it is only optional. Aunt
Alma knows that it annoys Father when anyone says we don’t look well, so
she said: “Why, Dora looks quite overworked; thank goodness it’s nearly
over, and she won’t get much out of it after all, it’s really better for
a girl to become a teacher.” Erwin lounged in his chair and said to me:
“Do you dare me to spit on the carpet?” “You are ill-bred enough to do
it; I can’t think why Marina, the future schoolmistress, does not give
you a good smacking,” said I. Then Aunt Alma chimed in: “What’s the
matter children? What game are you playing?” “It’s not a game at all;
Erwin wants to spit on the carpet and he seems to think that would be
all right.” Then Aunt said something to him in Italian, and he pulled
a long nose at me behind Father’s back, but I simply ignored it; little
pig, and yet he’s my cousin! Kamillo is supposed to have been just as
impudent as Bub. But we have never seen him, for he has been in Japan as
an ensign for the last two years. Mourning does not suit Marina at all;
there’s a provincial look about her and she can’t shake it off. Her
clothes are too long and she has not got a trace of b--, although she
was 17 last September; she is disgustingly thin.
June 27th. The Herr Insp. came to our class to-day, in French this time.
Frau Doktor Dunker is always frightfully excited by his visits, and at
the beginning of the lesson she said: “Girls, the Inspector is coming
to-day; pull yourselves together; please don’t leave me in the lurch.”
So it must be true what Oswald always says that the inspectors come to
inspect the teachers and not the pupils. “At the inspection,” Oswald
often says, “every pupil has the professor in his hands.” Being
first, of course I was called upon, and I simply could not think what
“trotteur” meant. I would not say “Trottel” [idiot], and so I said
nothing at all. Then Anneliese turned round and whispered it to me, but
of course I was not going to say it after her, but remained speechless
as an owl. At length the Herr Inspektor said: “Translate the sentence
right to the end, and then you’ll grasp its meaning.” But I can’t see
the sense of that; for if I don’t know one of the words the sentence has
no meaning, or at least not the meaning it ought to have. If Hella had
not been absent to-day because of -- --, she might have been able to
whisper it to me. Afterwards Frau Doktor Dunker reproached me, saying
that no one could ever trust anyone, and that I really did not deserve
a One. “And the stupidest thing of all was that you laughed when you did
not know a simple word like that.” Of course I could not tell her that
my first thought had been to translate it “Trottel.” Unseen translation
is really too difficult for us.
June 28th. The Staff Meeting is to-day. I’m on tenter hooks to know
whether I shall have a Reprimand, or a bad conduct mark in my report.
That would be awful. It does not matter so much to Hella, for her father
has just gone away to manoeuvres in Hungary or in Bosnia, and by
the time he is back the holidays will have begun and no one will be
bothering about reports any more. So I shall know to-morrow. Oh bother,
to-morrow is a holiday and next day is Sunday. So for another 2 1/2 days
I shall have “to linger in suspense,” but a different sort of suspense
from what Goethe wrote about.
June 30th. We were at home yesterday and this afternoon because of
Dora’s matriculation. The Bruckners went to Breitenstein to visit an
aunt, who is in a convalescent home, and so I could not go with them.
In the evening we went to Turkenschanz Park to supper, but there was
nothing on. By the way, I have not written anything yet about the
“innocent child” at the outing. On the boat she began fussing round
Hella and me and wanted to push into the conversation, indirectly of
course! But she did not succeed; Hella is extraordinarily clever in such
matters; she simply seemed to look through her Really I’m a little sorry
for her, for she hasn’t any close friends beyond ourselves; but Hella
said: “Haven’t you had enough of it yet? Do you want to be cooked once
more with the same sauce?” And when Hella’s hat fell into the water and
we were still looking after it in fits of laughter, all of a sudden
we found Anneliese standing behind us offering Hella a fine lace shawl
which she had brought with her for the evening because she so readily
gets earache. “Wouldn’t you like to use this shawl, so that you
won’t have to go back to Vienna without a hat?” “Please don’t trouble
yourself, I’m quite used to going about bare-headed.” But the _way_ she
said it, like a queen! I _must_ learn it from her. She is really shorter
than I am, but at such moments she looks just like a grownup lady. I
told her as much, and she rejoined: “Darling Rita, you can’t _learn_ a
thing like that; it’s _inborn_.” She rather annoyed me, for she always
seems to think that an officer’s daughter is a thing apart.
July 1st. Thank goodness, everything has passed off without a public
scandal. Frau Doktor M. spoke to me in the corridor, saying: “Lainer,
you’ve had a narrow escape. If certain voices had not been raised on
your behalf, I really don’t know -- -- --.” Then I said: “I’m quite
certain, Frau Doktor, that you alone have saved me from a Bad Conduct
Mark.” And I kissed her hand. “Get along, you little baggage, for
the one part simply a child, and for the other with your head full of
thoughts which grown-ups would do well to dispense with.”
After all, one can’t help one’s _thoughts_, and we shall be more careful
in future as to the persons to whom we talk about _that sort of thing_.
Here’s another thing I forgot to mention about the outing: When we got
back into Vienna by rail, most of the parents came to meet us at the
station; Father was there too, and so was the “innocent child’s” mother.
Thank goodness Father did not know her. When we got out of the train
there was a great scrimmage, because we were all trying to sort
ourselves to our parents, and suddenly I heard Hella’s voice: “No,
Madam, your child is not in our bad company.” I turned round sharply,
and there was Hella standing in front of Frau von Zerkwitz who had just
asked her: “Hullo, _you_, what has become of my little Anneliese?” The
answer was splendid; I should never have been able to hit upon it; I
always think of good repartees after the event. It was just the same
that time when the old gentleman in the theatre asked Hella if she was
alone there, and she snapped at him. He said: Impudent as a Jewess,
or an impudent Jewess! It was too absurd, for first of all it’s not
impudent to make a clever repartee, and secondly it does not follow
because one can do it that one is a Jewess. So Hella finished up by
saying to him: “No, you’ve made a mistake, you are not speaking to one
of your own sort.”
We break up on the 6th; but because of Dora’s matriculation we are
staying here until the 11th. Then we are going to Fieberbrunn in Tyrol,
and this year we shall stay in a hotel, so I am awfully pleased. Hella
had a splendid time there last year.