Produced by Charles Keller and David Widger
A YOUNG GIRL’S DIARY
Prefaced with a Letter by Sigmund Freud
Translated by Eden and Cedar Paul
CONTENTS
FIRST YEAR Age 11 to 12
SECOND YEAR Age 12 to 13
THIRD YEAR Age 13 to 14
LAST HALF-YEAR Age 14 to 14 1/2
CONCLUSION
PREFACE
THE best preface to this journal written by a young girl belonging to
the upper middle class is a letter by Sigmund Freud dated April 27,
1915, a letter wherein the distinguished Viennese psychologist testifies
to the permanent value of the document:
“This diary is a gem. Never before, I believe, has anything been written
enabling us to see so clearly into the soul of a young girl, belonging
to our social and cultural stratum, during the years of puberal
development. We are shown how the sentiments pass from the simple egoism
of childhood to attain maturity; how the relationships to parents
and other members of the family first shape themselves, and how they
gradually become more serious and more intimate; how friendships are
formed and broken. We are shown the dawn of love, feeling out towards
its first objects. Above all, we are shown how the mystery of the sexual
life first presses itself vaguely on the attention, and then takes
entire possession of the growing intelligence, so that the child suffers
under the load of secret knowledge but gradually becomes enabled to
shoulder the burden. Of all these things we have a description at once
so charming, so serious, and so artless, that it cannot fail to be of
supreme interest to educationists and psychologists.
“It is certainly incumbent on you to publish the diary. All students of
my own writings will be grateful to you.”
In preparing these pages for the press, the editor has toned down
nothing, has added nothing, and has suppressed nothing. The only
alterations she has made have been such as were essential to conceal the
identity of the writer and of other persons mentioned in the document.
Consequently, surnames, Christian names, and names of places, have been
changed. These modifications have enabled the original author of the
diary to allow me to place it at the free disposal of serious readers.
No attempt has been made to correct trifling faults in grammar and other
inelegancies of style. For the most part, these must not be regarded
as the expression of a child’s incapacity for the control of language.
Rather must they be looked upon as manifestations of affective
trends, as errors in functioning brought about by the influence of the
Unconscious.
THE EDITOR. VIENNA, _Autumn_, 1919.
FIRST YEAR, AGE ELEVEN TO TWELVE
FIRST YEAR
July 12, 19 . . . Hella and I are writing a diary. We both agreed that
when we went to the high school we would write a diary every day. Dora
keeps a diary too, but she gets furious if I look at it. I call Helene
“Hella,” and she calls me “Rita;” Helene and Grete are so vulgar. Dora
has taken to calling herself “Thea,” but I go on calling her “Dora.” She
says that little children (she means me and Hella) ought not to keep a
diary. She says they will write such a lot of nonsense. No more than in
hers and Lizzi’s.
July 13th. Really we were not to begin writing until after the holidays,
but since we are both going away, we are beginning now. Then we shall
know what we have been doing in the holidays.
The day before yesterday we had an entrance examination, it was very
easy, in dictation I made only 1 mistake--writing _ihn_ without _h_. The
mistress said that didn’t matter, I had only made a slip. That is quite
true, for I know well enough that _ihn_ has an _h_ in it. We were both
dressed in white with rose-coloured ribbons, and everyone believed
we were sisters or at least cousins. It would be very nice to have
a cousin. But it’s still nicer to have a friend, for we can tell one
another everything.
July 14th. The mistress was very kind. Because of her Hella and I are
really sorry that we are not going to a middle school. Then every
day before lessons began we could have had a talk with her in the
class-room. But we’re awfully pleased because of the other girls. One is
more important when one goes to the high school instead of only to
the middle school. That is why the girls are in such a rage. “They are
bursting with pride” (that’s what my sister says of me and Hella, but
it is not true). “Our two students” said the mistress when we came away.
She told us to write to her from the country. I shall.
July 15th. Lizzi, Hella’s sister, is not so horrid as Dora, she
is always so nice! To-day she gave each of us at least ten
chocolate-creams. It’s true Hella often says to me: “You don’t know her,
what a beast she can be. _Your_ sister is generally very nice to me.”
Certainly it is very funny the way in which she always speaks of us as
“the little ones” or “the children,” as if she had never been a child
herself, and indeed a much littler one than we are. Besides we’re just
the same as she is now. She is in the fourth class and we are in the
first.
To-morrow we are going to Kaltenbach in Tyrol. I’m frightfully excited.
Hella went away to-day to Hungary to her uncle and aunt with her mother
and Lizzi. Her father is at manoeuvres.
July 19th. It’s awfully hard to write every day in the holidays.
Everything is so new and one has no time to write. We are living in a
big house in the forest. Dora bagged the front veranda straight off
for her own writing. At the back of the house there are such swarms of
horrid little flies; everything is black with flies. I do hate flies and
such things. I’m not going to put up with being driven out of the
front veranda. I won’t have it. Besides, Father said: “Don’t quarrel,
children!” (_Children_ to _her_ too!!) He’s quite right. She puts
on such airs because she’ll be fourteen in October. “The verandas are
common property,” said Father. Father’s always so just. He never lets
Dora lord it over me, but Mother often makes a favourite of Dora. I’m
writing to Hella to-day. She’s not written to me yet.
July 21st. Hella has written to me, 4 pages, and such a jolly letter. I
don’t know what I should do without her! Perhaps she will come here in
August or perhaps I shall go to stay with her. I think I would rather go
to stay with her. I like paying long visits. Father said: “We’ll see,”
and that means he’ll let me go. When Father and Mother say We’ll see it
really means Yes; but they won’t say “yes” so that if it does not come
off one can’t say that they haven’t kept their word. Father really lets
me do anything I like, but not Mother. Still, if I practice my piano
regularly perhaps she’ll let me go. I must go for a walk.
July 22nd. Hella wrote that I positively must write every day, for one
must keep a promise and we swore to write every day. I. . . .
July 23rd. It’s awful. One has no time. Yesterday when I wanted to write
the room had to be cleaned and D. was in the arbour. Before that I had
not written a _single_ word and in the front veranda all my pages blew
away. We write on loose pages. Hella thinks it’s better because then one
does not have to tear anything out. But we have promised one another to
throw nothing away and not to tear anything up. Why should we? One can
tell a friend everything. A pretty friend if one couldn’t. Yesterday
when I wanted to go into the arbour Dora glared at me savagely, saying
What do you want? As if the arbour belonged to her, just as she wanted
to bag the front veranda all for herself. She’s too sickening.
Yesterday afternoon we were on the Kolber-Kogel. It was lovely. Father
was awfully jolly and we pelted one another with pine-cones. It was
jolly. I threw one at Dora and it hit her on her padded bust. She let
out such a yell and I said out loud You couldn’t feel it _there_. As she
went by she said Pig! It doesn’t matter, for I know she understood me
and that what I said was true. I should like to know what _she_ writes
about every day to Erika and what she writes in her diary. Mother was
out of sorts and stayed at home.
July 24th. To-day is Sunday. I do love Sundays. Father says: You
children have Sundays every day. That’s quite true in the holidays, but
not at other times. The peasants and their wives and children are all
very gay, wearing Tyrolese dresses, just like those I have seen in the
theatre. We are wearing our white dresses to-day, and I have made a
great cherrystain upon mine, not on purpose, but because I sat down upon
some fallen cherries. So this afternoon when we go out walking I must
wear my pink dress. All the better, for I don’t care to be dressed
exactly the same as Dora. I don’t see why everyone should know that
we are sisters. Let people think we are cousins. She does not like it
either; I wish I knew why.
Oswald is coming in a week, and I am awfully pleased. He is older than
Dora, but I can always get on with him. Hella writes that she finds it
dull without me; so do I.
July 25th. I wrote to Fraulein Pruckl to-day. She is staying at
Achensee. I should like to see her. Every afternoon we bathe and then
go for a walk. But to-day it has been raining all day. Such a bore. I
forgot to bring my paint-box and I’m not allowed to read all day. Mother
says, if you gobble all your books up now you’ll have nothing left to
read. That’s quite true, but I can’t even go and swing.
Afternoon. I must write some more. I’ve had a frightful row with Dora.
She says I’ve been fiddling with her things. It’s all because she’s so
untidy. As if _her_ things could interest me. Yesterday she left her
letter to Erika lying about on the table, and all I read was: He’s as
handsome as a Greek god. I don’t know who “he” was for she came in at
that moment. It’s probably Krail Rudi, with whom she is everlastingly
playing tennis and carries on like anything. As for handsome--well,
there’s no accounting for tastes.
July 26th. It’s a good thing I brought my dolls’ portmanteau. Mother
said: You’ll be glad to have it on rainy days. Of course I’m much too
old to play with dolls, but even though I’m 11 I can make dolls’
clothes still. One learns something while one is doing it, and when I’ve
finished something I do enjoy it so. Mother cut me out some things and I
was tacking them together. Then Dora came into the room and said Hullo,
the child is sewing things for her dolls. What cheek, as if she had
never played with dolls. Besides, I don’t really play with dolls any
longer. When she sat down beside me I sewed so vigorously that I made a
great scratch on her hand, and said: Oh, I’m so sorry, but you came too
close. I hope she’ll know why I really did it. Of course she’ll go and
sneak to Mother. Let her. What right has she to call me child. She’s got
a fine red scratch anyhow, and on her right hand where everyone can see.
July 27th. There’s such a lot of fruit here. I eat raspberries and
gooseberries all day and Mother says that is why I have no appetite for
dinner. But Dr. Klein always says Fruit is so wholesome. But why should
it be unwholesome all at once? Hella always says that when one likes
anything awfully much one is always scolded about it until one gets
perfectly sick of it. Hella often gets in such a temper with her mother,
and then her mother says: We make such sacrifices for our children and
they reward us with ingratitude. I should like to know what sacrifices
they make. I think it’s the children who make the sacrifices. When I
want to eat gooseberries and am not allowed to, the sacrifice is _mine_
not _Mother’s_. I’ve written all this to Hella. Fraulein Pruckl has
written to me. The address on her letter to me was splendid, “Fraulein
Grete Lainer, Lyzealschulerin.” Of course Dora had to know better than
anyone else, and said that in the higher classes from the fourth
upwards (because she is in the fourth) they write “Lyzeistin.” She said:
“Anyhow, in the holidays, before a girl has attended the first class
she’s not a Lyzealschulerin at all.” Then Father chipped in, saying that
_we_ (_I_ didn’t begin it) really must stop this eternal wrangling; he
really could not stand it. He’s quite right, but what he said won’t do
any good, for Dora will go on just the same. Fraulein Pruckl wrote that
she was _delighted_ that I had written. As soon as I have time she wants
me to write to her again. Great Scott, I’ve always time for _her_. I
shall write to her again this evening after supper, so as not to keep
her waiting.
July 29th. I simply could not write yesterday. The Warths have arrived,
and I had to spend the whole day with Erna and Liesel, although it
rained all day. We had a ripping time. They know a lot of round games
and we played for sweets. I won 47, and I gave five of them to Dora.
Robert is already more than a head taller than we are, I mean than
Liesel and me; I think he is fifteen. He says Fraulein Grete and carried
my cloak which Mother sent me because of the rain and he saw me home
after supper.
To-morrow is my birthday and everyone has been invited and Mother has
made strawberry cream and waffles. How spiffing.
July 30th. To-day is my birthday. Father gave me a splendid parasol
with a flowered border and painting materials and Mother gave me a huge
postcard album for 800 cards and stories for school girls, and Dora gave
me a beautiful box of notepaper and Mother had made a chocolate-cream
cake for dinner to-day as well as the strawberry cream. The first thing
in the morning the Warths sent me three birthday cards. And Robert had
written on his: With deepest _respect your faithful R_. It is glorious
to have a birthday, everyone is so kind, even Dora. Oswald sent me a
wooden paper-knife, the handle is a dragon and the blade shoots out
of its mouth instead of flame; or perhaps the blade is its tongue, one
can’t be quite sure. It has not rained yet on my birthday. Father says I
was born under a lucky star. That suits me all right, tip top.
July 31st. Yesterday was heavenly. We laughed till our sides ached over
Consequences. I was always being coupled with Robert and oh the things
we did together, not really of course but only in writing: kissed,
hugged, lost in the forest, bathed together; but I say, I wouldn’t do
_that!_ quarrelled. That won’t happen, it’s quite impossible! Then we
drank my health clinking glasses five times and Robert wanted to drink
it in wine but Dora said that would never do! The real trouble was
this. She always gets furious if she has to play second fiddle to me and
yesterday I was certainly first fiddle.
Now I must write a word about to-day. We’ve had a splendid time. We
were in Tiefengraben with the Warths where there are such a lot of wild
strawberries. Robert picked all the best of them for me, to the great
annoyance of Dora who had to pick them for herself. Really I would
rather pick them for myself, but when some one else picks them for one
for _love_ (that’s what Robert said) then one is quite glad to have them
picked for one. Besides, I did pick some myself and gave most of them to
Father and some to Mother. At afternoon tea which we had in Flischberg
I had to sit beside Erna instead of Robert. Erna is rather dull. Mother
says she is _anemic_; that sounds frightfully interesting, but I don’t
quite know what it means. Dora is always saying that she is anemic,
but of course that is not true. And Father always says “Don’t talk such
stuff, you’re as fit as a fiddle.” That puts her in such a wax. Last
year Lizzi was really anemic, so the doctor said, she was always having
palpitation and had to take iron and drink Burgundy. I think that’s
where Dora got the idea.
August 1st. Hella is rather cross with me because I wrote and told her
that I had spent the whole day with the W’s. Still, she is really my
only friend or I should not have written and told her. Every year in the
country she has another friend too, but that doesn’t put me out. I can’t
understand why she doesn’t like Robert; she doesn’t know anything about
him except what I have written and certainly that was nothing but good.
Of course she does know him for he is a cousin of the Sernigs and she
met him once there. But one does not get to know a person from seeing
them once. Anyhow she does not know him the way I do. Yesterday I was
with the Warths all day. We played Place for the King and Robert caught
me and I had to give him a kiss. And Erna said, that doesn’t count, for
I had let myself be caught. But Robert got savage and said: Erna is a
perfect nuisance, she spoils everyone’s pleasure. He’s quite right, but
there’s some one else just as bad. But I do hope Erna has not told Dora
about the kiss. If she has everyone will know and I shouldn’t like that.
I lay in wait for Erna with the sweets which Aunt Dora sent us. Robert
and Liesel and I ate the rest. They were so good and nearly all large
ones. At first Robert wanted to take quite a little one, but I said he
must only have a big one. After that he always picked out the big ones.
When I came home in the evening with the empty box Father laughed and
said: There’s nothing mean about our Gretel. Besides, Mother still has
a great box full; I have no idea whether Dora still has a lot, but I
expect so.
August 2nd. Oswald arrived this afternoon at 5. He’s a great swell now;
he’s begun to grow a moustache. In the evening Father took him to the
hotel to introduce him to some friends. He said it would be an awful
bore, but he will certainly make a good impression especially in his new
tourist getup and leather breeches. Grandmama and Grandpapa sent love to
all. I’ve never seen them. They have sent a lot of cakes and sweets and
Oswald grumbled no end because he had to bring them. Oswald is always
smoking cigarettes and Father said to him: Come along old chap, we’ll
go to the inn and have a drink on the strength of your good report. It
seems to me rather funny; no one wants to drink anything when Dora and I
have a good report, at most they give us a present. Oswald has only Twos
and Threes and very few Ones and in Greek nothing but Satisfactory, but
I have nothing but Ones. He said something to Father in Latin and Father
laughed heartily and said something I could not understand. I don’t
think it was Latin, but it may have been Magyar or English. Father knows
nearly all languages, even Czech, but thank goodness he doesn’t talk
them unless he wants to tease us. Like that time at the station when
Dora and I were so ashamed. Czech is horrid, Mother says so too. When
Robert pretends to speak Czech it’s screamingly funny.
August 3rd. I got a chill bathing the other day so now I am not allowed
to bathe for a few days. Robert keeps me company. We are quite alone and
he tells me all sorts of tales. He swings me so high that I positively
yell. To-day he made me really angry, for he said: Oswald is a regular
noodle. I said, that’s not true, boys can never stand one another.
Besides, it is not true that he lisps. Anyhow I like Oswald much better
than Dora who always says “the children” when she is talking of me and
of Hella and even of Robert. Then he said: Dora is just as big a goose
as Erna. He’s quite right there. Robert says he is never going to smoke,
that it is so vulgar, that real gentlemen never smoke. But what about
Father, I should like to know? He says, too, that he will never grow a
beard but will shave every day and his wife will have to put everything
straight to him. But a beard suits Father and I can’t imagine him
without a beard. I know I won’t marry a man without a beard.
August 5th. We go to the tennis ground every day. When we set off
yesterday, Robert and I and Liesel and Erna and Rene, Dora called after
us: The bridal pair in spee. She had picked up the phrase from Oswald. I
think it means in a hundred years. _She_ can wait a hundred years if she
likes, we shan’t. Mother scolded her like anything and said she mustn’t
say such stupid things. A good job too; in spee, in spee. Now we always
talk of her as Inspee, but no one knows who we mean.
August 6th. Hella can’t come here, for she is going to Klausenburg with
her mother to stay with her other uncle who is district judge there or
whatever they call a district judge in Hungary. Whenever I think of a
district judge I think of District Judge T., such a hideous man. What
a nose and his wife is so lovely; but her parents forced her into the
marriage. I would not let anyone force me into such a marriage, I would
much sooner not marry at all, besides she’s awfully unhappy.
August 7th. There has been such a fearful row about Dora. Oswald told
Father that she flirted so at the tennis court and he could not stand
it. Father was in a towering rage and now we mayn’t play tennis any
more. What upset her more than anything was that Father said in front of
me: This little chit of 14 is already encouraging people to make love to
her. Her eyes were quite red and swollen and she couldn’t eat anything
at supper because she had such a _headache!!_ We know all about her
headaches. But I really can’t see why I shouldn’t go and play tennis.
August 8th. Oswald says that it wasn’t the student’s fault at all but
only Dora’s. I can quite believe that when I think of that time on the
Southern Railway. Still, they won’t let me play tennis any more, though
I begged and begged Mother to ask Father to let me. She said it would
do no good for Father was very angry and I mustn’t spend whole days
with the Warths any more. Whole days! I should like to know when I was a
whole day there. When I went there naturally I had to stay to dinner at
least. What have I got to do with Dora’s love affairs? It’s really too
absurd. But grown-ups are always like that. When one person has done
anything the others have to pay for it too.
August 9th. Thank goodness, I can play tennis once more; I begged and
begged until Father let me go. Dora declares that nothing will induce
her to ask! That’s the old story of the fox and the grapes. She has been
playing the invalid lately, won’t bathe, and stays at home when she can
instead of going for walks. I should like to know what’s the matter with
her. What I can’t make out is why Father lets her do it. As for Mother,
she always spoils Dora; Dora is Mother’s favourite, especially when
Oswald is not on hand. I can understand her making a favourite of
Oswald, but not of Dora. Father always says that parents have no
favourites, but treat all their children alike. That’s true enough as
far as Father is concerned, although Dora declares that Father makes a
favourite of me; but that’s only her fancy. At Christmas and other times
we always get the same sort of presents, and that’s the real test.
Rosa Plank always gets at least three times as much as the rest of the
family, that’s what it is to be a favourite.
August 12th. I can’t write every day for I spend most of my time
with the Warths. Oswald can’t stand Robert, he says he is a cad and
a greenhorn. What vulgar phrases. For three days I haven’t spoken to
Oswald except when I really had to. When I told Erna and Liesel about
it, they said that brothers were always rude to their sisters. I said,
I should like to know why. Besides, Robert is generally very nice to his
sisters. They said, Yes before you, because he’s on his best behaviour
with you. Yesterday we laughed like anything when he told us what fun
the boys make of their masters. That story about the cigarette ends
was screamingly funny. They have a society called T. Au. M., that is
in Latin Be Silent or Die in initial letters. No one may betray the
society’s secrets, and when they make a new member he has to strip off
all his clothes and lie down naked and every one spits on his chest and
rubs it and says: Be One of Us, but all in Latin. Then he has to go to
the eldest and biggest who gives him two or three cuts with a cane and
he has to swear that he will never betray anyone. Then everyone smokes
a cigar and touches him with the lighted end on the arm or somewhere
and says: Every act of treachery will burn you like that. And then the
eldest, who has a special name which I can’t remember, tattoos on him
the word Taum, that is Be Silent or Die, and a heart with the name of
a girl. Robert says that if he had known me sooner he would have chosen
“Gretchen.” I asked him what name he had tattooed on him, but he said
he was not allowed to tell. I shall tell Oswald to look when they
are bathing and to tell me. In this society they abuse the masters
frightfully and the one who thinks of the best tricks to play on them
is elected to the Rohon; to be a Rohon is a great distinction and the
others must always carry out his orders. He said there was a lot more
which he couldn’t tell me because it’s too tremendous. Then I had to
swear that I would never tell anyone about the society and he wanted
me to take the oath upon my knees, but I wouldn’t do that and he nearly
forced me to my knees. In the end I had to give him my hand on it and a
kiss. I didn’t mind giving him that, for a kiss is nothing, but nothing
would induce me to kneel down. Still, I was in an awful fright, for we
were quite alone in the garden and he took me by the throat and tried
to force me to my knees. All that about the _society_ he told me when
we were quite alone for he said: I can’t have your name tattooed on me
because it’s against our laws to have two names but now that you have
sworn I can let you know what I really am and think in secret.
I couldn’t sleep all night for I kept on dreaming of the society,
wondering whether there are such societies in the high school and
whether Dora is in a society and has a name tattooed on her. But it
would be horrible to have to strip naked before all one’s schoolfellows.
Perhaps in the societies of the high-school girls that part is left
out. But I shouldn’t like to say for sure whether I’d have Robert’s name
tattooed on me.
August 15th. Yesterday Robert told me that there are some schoolboy
societies where they do very improper things, but that never happened in
their society. But he didn’t say what. I said, the stripping naked seems
to me awful; but he said, Oh, that’s nothing, that must happen if
we’re to trust one another, it’s all right as long as there’s nothing
improper. I wish I knew what. I wish I knew whether Oswald knows about
it, and whether he is in such a society or in a proper one and whether
Father was in one. If I could only find out. But I can’t ask, for if I
did I should betray Robert. When he sees me he always presses my left
wrist without letting anyone see. He said that is the warning to me to
be silent. But he needn’t do that really, for I never would betray him
whatever happened. He said: The pain is to bind you to me. When he says
that his eyes grow dark, quite black, although his eyes are really grey
and they get very large. Especially in the evening when we say goodbye,
it frightens me. I’m always dreaming of him.
August 18th. Yesterday evening we had illuminations in honour of the
emperor’s birthday. We didn’t get home until half past twelve. At first
we went to a concert in the park and to the illuminations. They fired
salutes from the hills and there were beacons flaring on the hill-tops;
it was rather creepy although it was wonderful. My teeth chattered once
or twice, I don’t know whether I was afraid something would happen or
why it was. Then R. came and talked such a lot. He is set on going into
the army. For that he needn’t learn so much, and what he’s learning now
is of no use to him. He says that doesn’t matter, that knowledge will
give him a great pull. I don’t think he looks stupid, though Oswald says
so to make me angry. All at once we found ourselves quite away from the
others and so we sat on a bench to wait for them. Then I asked R. once
more about the other societies, the ones in which they do such improper
things. But he wouldn’t tell me for he said he would not rob me of my
innocence. I thought that very stupid, and I said that perhaps he didn’t
know himself and it was all put on. All that happened, he said, was that
anyone who joined the society was tickled until he couldn’t stand it any
longer. And once one of them got St. Vitus’s dance, that is frightful
convulsions and they were afraid that everything would come out. And
since then in their society no more tickling had been allowed. Shall
I tickle you a little? I don’t understand you, I said, and anyhow you
daren’t.
He gave a great laugh and suddenly he seized me and tickled me under the
arm. It made me want to laugh frightfully, but I stifled it for there
were still lots of people going by. So he gave that up and tickled my
hand. I liked it at first, but then I got angry and dragged my hand
away. Just then Inspee went by with two other girls and directly they
had passed us we followed close behind as if we had been walking like
that all the time. It saved me a wigging from Mother, for she always
wants us all to keep together. As we went along R. said: Look out,
Gretel, I’m going to tickle you some day until you scream.--How absurd,
I won’t have it, it takes two to do that.
By the way, in the raffle I won a vase with 2 turtledoves and a bag of
sweets and R. won a knife, fork and spoon. That annoyed him frightfully.
Inspee won a fountain pen, just what I want, and a mirror which makes
one look a perfect fright. A good job too, for she fancies herself such
a lot.
August 29th. O dear, such an awful thing has happened. I have lost pages
30 to 34 from my diary. I must have left them in the garden, or else on
the Louisenhohe. It’s positively fiendish. If anyone was to find them.
And I don’t know exactly what there was on those pages. I was born
to ill luck. If I hadn’t promised Hella to write my diary every day I
should like to give up the whole thing. Fancy if Mother were to get hold
of it, or even Father. And it’s raining so fearfully to-day that I can’t
even go into the garden and still less on the Louisenhohe above all not
alone. I must have lost it the day before yesterday, for I didn’t write
anything yesterday or the day before. It would be dreadful if anyone
were to find it. I am so much upset that I couldn’t eat anything at
dinner, although we had my favourite chocolate cream cake. And I’m so
unhappy for Father was quite anxious and Mother too and they both
asked what was the matter with me and I nearly burst out crying before
everyone. We had dinner in the hotel to-day because Resi had gone away
for 2 days. But I couldn’t cry in the room before Father and Mother for
that would have given the show away. My only hope is that no one will
recognise my writing, for Hella and I use upright writing for our diary,
first of all so that no one may recognise our writing and secondly
because upright writing doesn’t use up so much paper as ordinary
writing. I do hope it will be fine to-morrow so that I can hunt in the
garden very early. I have been utterly in the dumps all day so that I
didn’t even get cross when Inspee said: “Have you been quarrelling with
your future husband?”
August 30th. It’s not in the garden. I begged Mother to let us go to
Louisenhutte this afternoon. Mother was awfully nice and asked what I
was so worried about, and whether anything had happened. Then I couldn’t
keep it in any longer and burst out crying. Mother said I must have
lost something, and this gave me an awful fright. Mother thought it was
Hella’s letter, the one which came on Tuesday, so I said: No, much worse
than that, my diary. Mother said: Oh well, that’s not such a terrible
loss, and will be of no interest to anyone. Oh yes, I said, for there
are all sorts of things written in it about R. and his society. Look
here, Gretel, said Mother, I don’t like this way you talk about R.; I
really don’t like you to spend all your time with the Warths; they’re
really not our sort and R. is not a fit companion for you; now that
you are going to the high school you are not a little girl any longer.
Promise me that you’ll not be eternally with the Warths.--All right,
Mother, I will break it off gradually so that nobody will notice. She
burst out laughing and kissed me on both cheeks and promised me to
say nothing to Inspee about the diary for she needn’t know everything.
Mother is such a dear. Still 3 hours and perhaps the pages are still
there.
Evening. Thank goodness! In front of the shelter I found 2 pages all
pulped by the rain and the writing all run and one page was in the
footpath quite torn. Someone must have trodden on it with the heel of
his boot and 2 pages had been rolled into a spill and partly burned. So
no one had read anything. I am so happy. And at supper Father said: I
say, why are your eyes shining with delight? Have you won the big prize
in the lottery? and I pressed Mother’s foot with mine to remind her not
to give me away and Father laughed like anything and said: Seems to me
there’s a conspiracy against me in my own house. And I said in a great
hurry: Luckily we’re not in our own house but in a hotel, and everyone
laughed and now thank goodness it’s all over. Live and learn. I won’t
let that happen again.
August 31st. Really I’m not so much with the W’s and with R. I think
he’s offended. This afternoon, when I went there to tea, he seized me
by the wrist and said: Your father is right, you’re a witch. “You need
a castigation.” How rude of him. Besides, I didn’t know what castigation
meant. I asked Father and he told me and asked where I had picked up the
word. I said I had passed 2 gentlemen and had heard one of them use it.
What I really thought was that castigation meant tickling. But it is
really horrid to have no one to talk to. Most of the people have gone
already and we have only a week longer. About that castigation business.
I don’t like fibbing to Father, but I really had to. I couldn’t say that
R. wanted to give me a castigation when I didn’t know what it meant.
Dora tells a lot more lies than I do and I always love catching her in a
lie for her lies are so obvious. I’m never caught. It only happened once
when Frau Oberst von Stary was there. Father noticed that time, for he
said: You little rogue, you tarradiddler!
September 3rd. Such a horrid thing has happened. I shall never speak to
R. again. Oswald is quite right in calling him a cad. If I had really
fallen out of the swing I might have broken my leg 4 days before we
have to start from home. I can’t make out how it all happened. It was
frightful cheek of him to tickle me as he did, and I gave him such a
kick. I think it was on his nose or his mouth. Then he actually dared to
say: After all I’m well paid out, for what can one expect when one keeps
company with such young monkeys, with such babies. Fine talk from him
when he’s not 14 himself yet. It was all humbug about his being 15 and
he seems to be one of the idlest boys in the school, never anything but
Satisfactory in his reports, and he’s not in the fifth yet, but only in
the fourth. Anyhow, we’ve settled our accounts. Cheeky devil. I shall
never tell anyone about it, it will be my first and I hope my last
secret from Hella.
September 6th. We are going home to-morrow. The last few days have been
awfully dull. I saw R. once or twice but I always looked the other way.
Father asked what was wrong between me and the Warths and R., so that
our great friendship had been broken off. Of course I had to fib, for
it was absolutely _impossible_ to tell the truth. I said that R. found
fault with everything I did, my writing, my reading aloud. (That’s quite
true, he did that once) and Father said: Well, well, you’ll make it up
when you say goodbye to-morrow. Father makes a great mistake. I’ll never
speak a word to him again.
For her birthday, although it’s not come yet, Dora is to have a navy
blue silk dustcloak. I don’t think the colour suits her, and anyhow
she’s much too thin to wear a dustcloak.
September 14th. Hella came back the day before yesterday. She looks
splendid and she says I do too. I’m so glad that she’s back. After all I
told her about R. She was very angry and said I ought to have given
him 2 more; one for the tickling and one for the “baby” and one for the
“young monkey.” If we should happen to meet him, shan’t we just glare at
him.
September 17th. Inspee has really got the silk dustcloak but I think the
tartan hood looks rather silly. Still, I didn’t say so, but only that
the cloak fitted beautifully. She has tried it on at least five times
already. I don’t know whether Father really wants to treat her as a
grown-up lady or whether he is making fun of her. I believe he’s only
making fun. She doesn’t really look like a grown-up lady. How could
she when she’s not 14 yet? Yesterday afternoon such a lot of girls were
invited, and of course Hella was invited on my account and we had a
grand talk. But most of them bragged frightfully about the country where
they _said_ they had been. We were 9 girls. But Hella is the only one I
care about.
September 21st. School begins to-morrow. By the way, we have agreed
to call it Liz [Lyzeum = High School] and not School. I’m frightfully
curious.
September 22nd, 19--. School began to-day. Hella came to fetch me and we
went along together. Inspee peached on us to Mother, saying we ran on in
front of her. We don’t want her as governess. There are 34 of us in the
class. Our teachers are a Frau Doktor, 2 mistresses, one professor, and
I think a drawing mistress as well. The Frau Doktor teaches German and
writing. She put us together on the 3rd bench. Then she made a speech,
then she told us what books to get, but we are not to buy them till
Monday. We have 3 intervals, one long and 2 short. The long one is for
games, the short ones to go out. I usen’t to go out at the elementary
school and now I don’t need to. Mother always says that it’s only a
bad habit. Most of the girls went out, and even asked to leave the room
during lesson time. To-day we hadn’t any proper lessons. They are to
begin to-morrow, but we don’t know what. Then we came home.
September 23rd. To-day we had the mistress who teaches geography and
history, she has no degree. Inspee says that she had her last year, but
she could not stand her, she’s so ugly. Father was angry and said to
Inspee: You silly goose, don’t fill her head with such stuff. Show
what you are worth as elder sister. One can learn something from every
mistress and every master if one likes. But I can’t say, we’re really
fond of Fraulein Vischer and I don’t much care for geography and
history. Besides I’m not learning for her but for myself. Frau Dr.
Mallburg is awfully nice and pretty. We shall always write Frau Dr. M.
for short. When she laughs she has two dimples and a gold stopping. She
is new at the school. I don’t know if we are to have singing too. In
French we have Madame Arnau, she is beautifully dressed, black lace.
Hella has a lovely pen and pencil case; it’s quite soft, we must have it
soft so that it shan’t make a row when it falls down during lesson time.
I think it cost 7 crowns or 1.70 crowns, I don’t know exactly. To-day
lessons went on until 12, first German, then arithmetic, then religion
for Catholics, and then we came away. Hella waited for me, for the Herr
Pastor did not come.
September 24th. We thought the book shops would be open to-day but we
were wrong. Hella’s mother said, that’s what happens when the chicks
think themselves wiser than the hens. In the afternoon Hella came to our
house and Inspee had been invited by the Fs. I don’t go there, for it’s
so dull, they play the piano all day. I have enough piano at my lessons.
My music lessons will begin when the school time-table has been fixed
up. Perhaps on October 1st, then I must write to Frau B., she told me to
write myself. She tells all her pupils to do that. I would rather have
had Hella’s music mistress. But she has no time to spare and I think she
charges more. At least she wouldn’t always be holding me up “Fraulein
Dora” as a model. We are not all so musical as Fraulein Dora. In the
evening Inspee was reading a great fat book until 10 or 12 o clock and
she simply howled over it. She said she had not, but I heard her and she
could hardly speak. She says she had a cold, liar.
September 25th. To-day they gave us the professors’ time-table, but it
won’t work until the professors from the Gymnasium know exactly when
they can come. Our Frau Doktor might be teaching in a Gymnasium, but
since there is only one here she teaches in our school. To-morrow we are
going to have a viva voce composition: Our Holidays. We may write 8 or
10 sentences at home before we come, but we must not look at what we
have written in class. I’ve written mine already. But I’ve not said
anything about Robert. He’s not worth thinking about anyhow. I did not
even tell Hella everything.
September 25th. We had the viva voce composition and Frau Doktor said,
very good, what is your name? Grete Lainer I said and she said: And
is that your chum next you? Now she must tell us how she spent her
holidays. Hella did hers very well too and Frau Doktor said again, very
good. Then the bell rang. In the long interval Frau Doktor played dodge
with us. It was great fun. I was it six times. In the little intervals
we were quite alone for the staff has such a lot to do drawing up the
time-table. A pupil-teacher from the F. high school is in our class. She
sits on the last bench for she is very tall. As tall as Frau Doktor.
September 26th. To-day we had Professor Riegel for the first time in
natural history. He wears eye-glasses and never looks any of us in the
face. And in French Madame A. said that my accent was the best. We’ve
got an awful lot on and I don’t know whether I shall be able to write
every day. The younger girls say Professor Igel instead of Riegel and
the Weinmann girl said Nikel.
September 30th. I’ve had simply no time to write. Hella hasn’t written
anything since the 24th. But I must write to-day for I met Robert in
Schottengasse. Good morning, Miss, you needn’t be so stuck up, he said
as he went by. And when I turned round he had already passed, or I would
have given him a piece of my mind. I must go to supper.
October 1st. I can’t write, Oswald has come from S., he has sprained his
ankle, but I’m not so sure because he can get about. He is awfully pale
and doesn’t say a word about the pain.
October 4th. To-day is a holiday, the emperor’s birthday. Yesterday Resi
told me something horrid. Oswald can’t go back to S. He has been up
to something, I wish I knew what, perhaps something in the closet. He
always stays there such a long time, I noticed that when I was in the
country. Or perhaps it may have been something in his society. Inspee
pretends she knows what it is but of course it isn’t true, for she
doesn’t know any more than I do. Father is furious and Mother’s eyes are
all red with crying. At dinner nobody says a word. If I could only find
out what he’s done. Father was shouting at him yesterday and both Dora
and I heard what he said: You young scamp (then there was something we
couldn’t understand) and then he said, you attend to your school books
and leave the girls and the married women alone you pitiful scoundrel.
And Dora said. Ah, now I understand and I said: Please tell me, he is my
brother as well as yours. But she said: “You wouldn’t understand. It’s
not suitable for such young ears.” Fancy that, it’s suitable for her
ears, but not mine though she’s not quite three years older than I am,
but because she no longer wears a short skirt she gives herself the airs
of a grown-up _lady_. Such airs, and then she sneaks a great spoonful of
jam so that her mouth is stuffed with it and she can’t speak. Whenever
I see her do this, I make a point of speaking to her so that she has to
answer. She does get in such a wax.
October 9th. I know all about it now. . . That’s how babies come. And
_that_ is what Robert really meant. Not for me, thank you, I simply
won’t marry. For if one marries one has to do it; it hurts frightfully
and yet one has to. What a good thing that I know it in time. But I wish
I knew exactly how, Hella says she doesn’t know exactly herself. But
perhaps her cousin who knows everything about it will tell her. It
lasts nine months till the baby comes and then a lot of women die. It’s
horrible. Hella has known it for a long time but she didn’t like to tell
me. A girl told her last summer in the country. She wanted to talk about
it to Lizzi her sister, really she only wanted to ask if it was all true
and Lizzi ran off to her mother to tell her what Hella had said And her
mother said; “These children are awful, a corrupt generation, don’t you
dare to repeat it to any other girl, to Grete Lainer, for instance,” and
she gave her a box on the ear. As if she could help it! That is why she
didn’t write to me for such a long time. Poor thing, poor thing, but now
she can tell me all about it and we won’t betray one another. And that
deceitful cat Inspee has known all about it for ages and has never told
me. But I don’t understand why that time at the swing Robert said: You
little fool, you wont get a baby simply from that. Perhaps Hella knows.
When I go to the gymnastic lesson to-morrow I shall talk to her first
and ask her about it. My goodness how curious I am to know.
October 10th. I’m in a great funk, I missed my gymnastic lesson
yesterday. I was upstairs at Hella’s and without meaning it I was so
late I did not dare to go. And Hella said I had better stay with her
that we would say that our sum was so difficult that we had not got it
finished in time. Luckily we really had a sum to do. But I said nothing
about it at home, for to-morrow Oswald is going to G. to Herr S’s. I
thought that I knew all about it but only now has Hella really told me
everything. It’s a horrible business this . . . I really can’t write it.
She says that of course Inspee has it already, had it when I wrote
that Inspee wouldn’t bathe, did not want to bathe; really she had it.
Whatever happens one must always be anxious about it. _Streams of blood_
says Hella. But then everything gets all bl . . . That’s why in the
country Inspee always switched off the light before she was quite
undressed, so that I couldn’t see. Ugh! Catch me looking! It begins at
14 and goes on for 20 years or more. Hella says that Berta Franke in our
class knows all about it. In the arithmetic lesson she wrote a note: Do
you know what being un . . . is? Hella wrote back, of course I’ve known
it for a long time. Berta waited for her after class when the Catholics
were having their religion lesson and they went home together. I
remember quite well that I was very angry, for they’re not chums. On
Tuesday Berta came with us, for Hella had sent her a note in class
saying that I knew _everything_ and she needn’t bother about me. Inspee
suspects something, she’s always spying about and sneering, perhaps she
thinks that she’s the only person who ought to know anything.
October 16th. To-morrow is Father’s and Dora’s birthday. Every year it
annoys me that Dora should have her birthday on the same day as Father;
What annoys me most of all is that she is so cocky about it, for, as
Father always says, it’s a mere chance. Besides, I don’t think he really
likes it. Everyone wants to have their own birthday on their own day,
not to share it with someone else. And it’s always nasty to be stuck up
about a thing like that. Besides, it’s not going to be a real birthday
because of the row about Oswald. Father is still furious and had to stay
away from the office for 2 days because he had to go to G. to see about
Oswald going there.
October 17th. It was much jollier to-day than I had expected. All the
Bruckners came, so of course there was not much said about Oswald only
that he has sprained his ankle, (I know quite well now that that’s not
true) and that he is probably going to G. Colonel B. said: The best
thing for a boy is to send him to a military academy, that keeps him
in order. In the evening Oswald said: That was awful rot what Hella’s
father said, for you can be expelled from a military academy just as
easily as from the Gymnasium. That’s what happened to Edgar Groller.
Oswald gave himself away and Dora promptly said: Ah, so you have been
expelled, and we believed you had sprained your ankle. Then he got in
an awful wax and said: O you wretched flappers, I’ve gone and blabbed it
all now, and he went away slamming the door, for Mother wasn’t there.
October 19th. If we could only find out what Oswald really did. It must
have been something with a girl. But we can’t think what Father meant
about a married woman. Perhaps a married woman complained of him to the
head master or to the school committee and that’s how it all came out. I
feel awfully sorry for him, for I think how I should have felt myself if
everything had come out about Robert and me. Of course I don’t care now.
But in the summer it would have been awful. Oswald hardly says a word,
except that he has talks with Mother sometimes. He always pretends that
he wants to read, but it’s absurd, for with such a love trouble one
can’t really read. I have not told Berta Franke all about it, but only
that my brother has had an unhappy love affair and that is why he is
back in Vienna. Then she told us that this summer a cousin of hers shot
himself because of her. They said in the newspapers that it was because
of an actress, but really it was because of her. She is 14 already.