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Contrary to a generally held opinion, there are some wealthy people who
may be successfully defended. There are not so many of them, however,
that any serious disturbance need be created. There is, perhaps, some
danger that these may be overlooked in the universal damnation that is
being handed out to the malefactors of great wealth.
The first exception to be noted is that of the inventor. Quite a few of
these men have lightened our tasks to a very considerable extent. They
have in a few cases amassed a competence by taxing us for their
inventions for seventeen years. After that their work is free for all,
at least in theory. A great many of these men have had no benefit from
their inventions and might well be pensioned from public funds. In not a
few cases the profits that should have gone to them have been filched by
men who had money to lend. Such cases should be overhauled and the
ill-gotten gains of the banker folks restored to their proper owners. It
would be well also to give the bankers the spanking they need, thus
making one job of the whole business.
When we think that Whitney, who invented the cotton gin; Steinmetz, the
electrical wizard; Pupin, who perfected the telephone; Edison, Gray,
Acheson, Morse, McCormick and thousands of others, some as well, others
less well known belong to this class, we realize how greatly we are
indebted to them, and how cheaply we get off by allowing them to profit
by their inventions for seventeen short years.
Then there are some school teachers and college professors who might be
excepted and a few ministers. Some of these fellows married money, and
we will not except these; some of them inherited money, and we will not
except these; a few of them stole money, and these must be spanked.
After these exceptions have been made there will be a few left and they
have lived such a deuce of a life that we will let them go.
There does not seem to be any great harm in the man who saved in order
that he might keep out of the almshouse when he grew too old to work. We
should not tax these people, either, if they have only moderate means.
Our wise legislators, however, do not seem to think so. Many cases of
this kind have been heard of during and since the late unpleasantness
where the poor souls had a hard time keeping body and spirit together
after the tax collector was through with them.
All farmers who have made money should be let off, provided they made
money by real farming and not by selling fancy cattle, poultry, etc., at
startling prices. Real farming is a man’s job, and those who succeed at
it deserve to be patted on the back. The fellows who sell the blooded
stock belong in about the same class as the bond salesman—we will come
to these later on.
The married couples who bring up and properly educate, say four or more
children, are also deserving. If their children are grateful so much the
better; if they chip in and support their father and mother—fine! In the
last case we might safely except everybody concerned.
Of course we must except the lame, the halt and the blind; and perhaps a
few others have been unintentionally skipped, but there seem to be few
others. Now we come to those who need punishment of some kind.
First among these are the office-holders. There are a few among them who
really earn all they get—but not many. Office holding ought to be made a
dangerous business, and running for the Presidency punished with death.
Bankers ought to be periodically inspected and made to give an account
of themselves, so should lawyers, and real-estate agents. The doctors,
some of them, need watching. They are a frightfully jealous lot and
outside testimony only, can be relied on. If a good one is found he
should be patted on the back. There are a lot of these but most of them
live in the country where the air is good. Those who live in the city
and have hospitals where they charge $100.00 for opening a pimple and
$25.00 for giving you four ounces of ether should be heavily docked and
then fined.
There are far too many wholesale and retail merchants and too few
farmers. We might well cut out half of the merchants for a start and
make them move out on farms where they could be really useful. If they
commit suicide instead of farming, so much the better. There are also
too many book agents and bond salesmen and brokers and clerks in stores.
Too many newspapers are published and too much paper wasted in doing it.
This needs regulating. The best way to do it is to tax these things and
let the farmers alone for the present, until they have $5.00 ahead.
And the fellows who are loafing around waiting for a bonus should be put
to a painless death. They will never be of any real use. The labor
agitators and strike leaders are in the way, too.
Anybody who spends his time loafing or playing golf should be stopped,
questioned and put to work. If he refuses he should be shipped off to an
island set apart for the purpose where he must work or starve.
All such wealthy ones should be treated as indicated and some of those
not wealthy but who belong to the same classes need much the same
treatment.
While we are about it we may perhaps just as well do a little more
regulating. The Germans, for example, have too many children and the
French too few. We should take warning and govern ourselves accordingly.
Of course some people claim that these things are regulated by
Providence but it seems probable that there are other forces at work.
Four children to a family seems to be about right and it is suggested
that a committee, all the members of which have done their full duty and
are from Missouri, be appointed to see that there are no slackers. This
is a species of wealth that needs regulating as well as other kinds.
The old maids and old bachelors should be heavily taxed unless they can
satisfy a Missouri committee that they have made determined efforts to
commit matrimony. In that case they should have assistance.
All would-be voters should be carefully examined before it is allowed
and the recall and repeal should be in order. Every voter should be able
to spell his or her name, tell what rivers run through and by Easton,
where the Atlantic is situated and what Sing Sing is noted for. After
all are educated up to this point, the tests should gradually be
toughened until only those really fit can vote. They should be _made_ to
vote every time. Gradually, in this way, every man can learn how to milk
cows, husk corn, run a plow and chase the pigs out of the oats. The
women will be able to darn stockings, bake bread, sew shirts and run a
bridge party.
By the time these ideas are put to work the millennium will be close at
hand and we need no longer flee from the tax gatherer or hide from the
bond salesman.
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