The Litany of the Summer Girl, which she chanteth continuously, morning
and night.
Oh, Lord, deliver me from the deadliness of the Summer Resort, and from
all the deadly things therein.
From the emptiness of moonlight evenings without a Man, and the
hollowness of life without a flirtation, now preserve me.
From the sentimental grafter and the _platonic friend_ oh spare me!
For, the one seeketh after cheap flirtations, and collecteth kisses,
as a woman doth trading stamps. And the other is as a wet powder-rag
which sticketh, but availeth nothing. Verily, verily, a breakfast-food
without sugar and cream is not more insipid than one of these.
From college youths, which are fresher than spring asparagus and more
tender than spring lamb, oh, deliver me!
From old bachelors, which are staler than last year’s canned goods, and
tougher than cold rarebits, oh, preserve me!
From the hotel “phonograph,” which repeateth the same old love-tunes
night after night, year in and year out, oh set me free!
From the _impressionist_ that cometh down over Sunday, deliver me!
For, when he hath loved me with all his heart, and with all his mind,
and with all his impudence, for an whole _week-end_, he shall depart;
and the scorners shall delight in their ha-has and the whisperers say,
“She was but a temporary distraction!”
From the _summer widower_, that seeketh to return unto flirtation by a
by-path, oh, hide me! For lo, I am not a consolation prize. Neither am
I a grafter, coveting other women’s troubles.
From all gossip, and freckles, and tan, and sand-in-the-shoes; from the
patronizing bride, and the youth that playeth ragtime; from the bathing
suit that shrinketh, and the nose that peeleth; from mosquitoes, and
cows and red ants; from hen parties, and springless straw rides, and
manless dances, oh, deliver me!
Feed me with bon-bons and stay me with novels!
Lead me beside the full streams, where the fish are plentiful and
the fishing worthy of the fishermaiden; that I may, peradventure,
find, _one eligible_, who shall rescue me from the Land of Innocuous
Desuetude, and usher me into the Kingdom of Matrimony!