The secret musings of thy Father Solomon, found in his diary, concealed
in the pocket of his smoking jacket and privily copied by thy Mother.
Read now his libellous words, my Daughter, and ponder thereon; for he
hath known _much girl_:
“Verily, verily, in all the world, there be but two things which have
power to disconcert me.
“A Meerschaum Pipe is one of these.
“The other is _a woman_.
“And, so like is the first unto the second, that I doubt not the former
is but a reincarnation of the latter.
“Lo, I have colored upward of twenty meerschaums, and have made love
unto upward of seven hundred damsels. And I say unto thee, not one of
them hath been worth the struggle nor repaid the toil and travail.
“Behold, how a man purchaseth a meerschaum at great price.
“Behold, how he wooeth a woman at great expense.
“How joyfully he flingeth away his shekels that they may be covered
with silver and fine gold!
“How tenderly he encaseth them in velvet!
“With what care and delicacy he wasteth his golden hours in the
coloring of his pipe!
“With what pains and ingenuity he wasteth golden years in winning the
heart of a woman!
“How lovingly he burneth tobacco for the one!
“How patiently he burneth incense before the other!
“Yet, lo, a sudden coldness--and the pipe hath snapped! A sudden
chilliness--and the woman’s love is shattered!
“Or let the fire within the meerschaum’s bowl wax too hot, or the ardor
of his devotion unto the woman wax too intense--and behold the pipe is
ruined and the woman is spoiled forever!
“And it is all _up_ with him!
“The fool hath said in his heart, ‘All women are as trolley cars, which
having once been caught, need no longer be pursued.’ But I say unto
thee, thy pursuing is never finished; thy task is never done!
“For, seven times seven weeks, mayest thou devote thyself unto a
meerschaum, and seven times seven months, unto a damsel!
“Yet if thou layest them aside, and thinkest to cease from thy
devotions for but a little while, lo, the pipe hath faded--and the
woman hath forgotten thee.
“Verily, verily, there is no rest for a peaceful man! For, life with a
pipe, or a woman, is all toil and travail and vexation.
“Yet life _without_ them is all weariness and desolation!”