Hearken, my Daughter, unto the parable of the merrie bachelor; hearken
and be comforted.
For, I say unto thee, not one of these liveth but shall receive his
just desert!
Now, in my youth, there came unto me such an one, saying, “_Why_ shall
I marry? For lo, have I not _all_ the comforts of home, at _half_ the
expense? Behold, I have three good meals a day and a den filled with
gew-gaws, which are the work of many damsels. Yea, and not one of them
but yearneth to sew on my buttons.
“Moreover, I can go forth into the country in the summer time without
having to pawn mine overcoat; and in the winter I can go unto my club
without having to perjure my soul.
“Verily, verily, my life is like unto an eleven-course dinner.
“For on Monday I may talk _art_ unto a high-browed damsel; and on
Tuesday I may talk _love_ unto a widow; and on Wednesday I may talk
_nonsense_ unto a fluffy thing.
“But a married man must talk _domestic economy_ unto the _same woman_
every night, which is like a table d’hote menu, of a deadening monotony.
“Behold, I offer no apology for my singleness; for I am _unashamed_!
And my one fear is that I shall awaken from this _dream_!”
And I answered him, saying, “Even so!”
Yet, as time passed, the hairs dropped one by one from the head of the
bachelor, until it shone as a great light.
Lo, from eating and drinking much good food and having no _worries_, he
became round and pudgy, like unto a Billiken.
And the maidens of the land who had trembled at his approach now
tittered merrily at sight of him. Yea, whereas, before, he had been
able to spend an whole evening with one of them, bringing a box of
cheap candy, he now spent all his savings upon them.
For it requireth real orchids and champagne to make a fat man
_fascinating_.
And he observed the married men of his acquaintance, that from
overworking they had still kept their figures and were _interesting_.
Yea, and they flirted with their stenographers and were merry; but the
bachelor not having to labor had accomplished nothing; for he had spent
his days in yawning.
Then he came unto me, crying:
“Lo! At last I would marry and settle down. But she that I once loved
hath married another. And how shall I choose a wife? For all women are
as _one_ woman unto me.”
And I mocked him with my ha-has, saying:
“My Son, I adjure thee, wed any woman thou _canst_! For the buds of
the Nation are _not_ collecting antiques. Yet, peradventure, one of
these shall accept thee as a _good thing_; or another shall take thee
as a _last resort_, when she hath passed her fifth season. Go to! Thou
hast eaten the bread of life without _honey_ thereon, and thou shalt
hereafter be satisfied with the _crumbs_.”
Verily, verily, life without love is as a pipe without a light; but a
man without a wife is as a helpless barge without a tow-boat.