1.
_The Character of a =Scot= at the first ſight._
At his firſt appearing in the _Charterhouſe_, an Olive coloured Veluet
ſuit owned him, which ſince became mous-colour, A pair of unſkour’d
ſtockings-gules, One indifferent ſhooe, his band of _Edenburgh_, and
cuffs of _London_, both ſtrangers to his ſhirt, a white feather in a
hat that had bin ſod, one onely cloak for the rain, which yet he made
ſerve him for all weathers: A Barren-half-acre of Face, amidſt whereof
an eminent Noſe advanced himſelf, like the new Mount at _Wanſted_,
overlooking his Beard, and all the wilde Country thereabouts; He was
tended enough, but not well; for they were certain dumb creeping
Followers, yet they made way for their Maſter, the Laird. At the
firſt preſentment his Breeches were his Sumpter, and his Packets,
Trunks, Cloak-bags, Portmanteau’s and all; He then grew a
Knight-wright, and there is extant of his ware at 100_l._ 150_l._ and
200_l._ price. Immediately after this, he ſhifteth his ſuit, ſo did
his Whore, and to a Bear-baiting they went, whither I followed them
not, but _Tom. Thorney_ did.
[Decoration]
2.
_The true Character of a =Dunce=._
He hath a Soule drownd in a lump of Fleſh, or in a piece of Earth that
_Prometheus_ put not half his proportion of Fire into, a thing that
hath neither edge of deſire, nor feeling of affection in it, The moſt
dangerous creature for confirming an _Atheiſt_, who would ſtraight
ſwear, his ſoul were nothing but the bare temperature of his body: He
ſleeps as he goes, and his thoughts ſeldom reach an inch further than
his eyes; The moſt part of the faculties of his ſoul lye Fallow, or
are like the reſtive Jades that no ſpur can drive forwards towards the
purſuite of any worthy deſign; one of the moſt unprofitable of all
Gods creatures, being as he is, a thing put clean beſides his right
uſe, made fitt for the cart & the flail, and by miſchance Entangled
amongſt books and papers, a man cannot tel poſſible what he is now
good for, ſave to move up and down and fill room, or to ſerve as
_Animatum Inſtrumentum_ for others to work withal in baſe Imployments,
or to be a foyl for better witts, or to ſerve (as They ſay monſters
do) to ſet out the variety of nature, and Ornament of the Univerſe, He
is meer nothing of himſelf, neither eates, nor drinkes, nor goes, nor
ſpits but by imitation, for al which, he hath ſet forms & faſhions,
which he never varies, but ſticks to, with the like plodding conſtancy
that a milhors follows his trace, both the muſes and the graces are
his hard Miſtriſſes though he daily Invocate them, though he ſacrifize
_Hecatombs_, they ſtil look a ſquint, you ſhall note him oft (beſide
his dull eye and louting head, and a certain clammie benum’d pace) by
a fair diſplai’d beard, a Nightcap and a gown, whoſe very wrincles
proclaim him the true genius of formality, but of al others, his
diſcours and compoſitions beſt ſpeak him, both of them are much of one
ſtuf & faſhion, he ſpeaks juſt what his books or laſt company ſaid
unto him without varying one whit & very ſeldom underſtands himſelf,
you may know by his diſcourſe where he was laſt, for what he read or
heard yeſterday he now diſchargeth his memory or notebook of, not his
underſtanding, for it never came there; what he hath he flings abroad
at al adventurs without accomodating it to time, place, perſons or
occaſions, he commonly loſeth himſelf in his tale, and flutters up and
down windles without recovery, and whatſoever next preſents it ſelf,
his heavie conceit ſeizeth upon and goeth along with, however
_Heterogeneal_ to his matter in hand, his jeſts are either old flead
proverbs, or lean-ſtarv’d-hackny-_Apophthegm’s_, or poor verball quips
outworn by Servingmen, Tapſters and Milkmaids, even laid aſide by
Balladers, He aſſents to all men that bring any ſhadow of reaſon, and
you may make him when he ſpeaks moſt Dogmatically, even with one
breath, to averr pure contradictions, His Compoſitions differ only
_terminorum poſitione_ from Dreams, Nothing but rude heaps of
Immaterial-inchoherent droſſie-rubbiſh-ſtuffe, promiſcuouſly thruſt up
together, enough to Infuſe dullneſs and Barrenneſs of Conceit into him
that is ſo Prodigall of his eares as to give the hearing, enough to
make a mans memory Ake with ſuffering ſuch dirtie ſtuffe caſt into it,
as unwellcome to any true conceit, as Sluttiſh Morſells or Wallowiſh
Potions to a Nice-Stomack which whiles he empties himſelfe of, it
ſticks in his Teeth nor can he be Delivered without Sweate and
Sighes, and Humms, and Coughs enough to ſhake his Grandams teeth out
of her head; Heel ſpitt, and ſcratch, and yawn, and ſtamp, and turn
like ſick men from one elbow to another, and Deſerve as much pitty
during this torture as men in Fits of Tertian Feavors or ſelfe laſhing
Penitentiaries; in a word, Rip him quite aſunder, and examin every
ſhred of him, you ſhall finde him to be juſt nothing, but the ſubject
of Nothing, the object of contempt, yet ſuch as he is you muſt take
him, for there is no hope he ſhould ever become better.
[Decoration]
21.
_An Eſſay of Valour._
I am of opinion that nothing is ſo potent either to procure or merit
Love, as Valour, and I am glad I am ſo, for thereby I ſhall do my ſelf
much eaſe, becauſe Valour never needs much wit to maintain it: To
ſpeak of it in it ſelf, It is a quality which he that hath, ſhall have
leaſt need of, so the beſt League between Princes is a mutual fear of
each other, it teacheth a man to value his reputation as his life, and
chiefly to hold the Lye unſufferable, though being alone, he holds
finds no hurt it doth him, It leaves it ſelf to others cenſures, for
he that brags of his own valour, diſſwades others from believing it,
It feareth a word no more than an Ague, It always makes good the
Owner, for though he be generally held a fool, he ſhall ſeldom hear ſo
much by word of mouth, and that enlargeth him more than any
ſpectacles, for it maketh a little fellow be called a tall man, it
yeilds the wall to none but a woman, whoſe weakneſs is her
prerogative, or a man ſeconded with a woman as an uſher, which always
goes before his betters, It makes a man become the witneſs of his own
words, and ſtand to whatever he hath ſaid, and thinketh it a reproach
to commit his reviling unto the Law, it furniſheth youth with action,
and age with diſcourſe, and both by futures, for a man muſt ever boaſt
himſelf in the preſent tenſe, and to come nearer home, nothing drawes
a woman like to it; for Valour towards men, is an Emblem of an ability
towards women, a good quality ſignifies a better. Nothing is more
behooffull for that Sex; for from it they receive protection, and we
free from the danger of it: Nothing makes a ſhorter cut for obtaining,
for a man of Arms is always void of Ceremony, which is the wall that
ſtands between _Pyramus_ and _Thiſbe_, that is, _Man_ and _Woman_, for
there is no pride in women but that which rebounds from our own
baſeneſſe (as Cowards grow valiant upon thoſe that are more Cowards)
ſo that only by our pale aſking we teach them to deny, and by our
ſhamefac’dneſs, we put them in minde to be modeſt, whereas indeed it
is cunning _Rhetorick_ to perſwade the hearers that they are that
already which he would have them to be; This kinde of baſhfulneſs is
far from men of Valour, and eſpecially from ſouldiers, for ſuch are
ever men (without doubt) forward and confident, loſing no time leaſt
they ſhould loſe opportunity, which is the beſt Factor for a Lover,
and becauſe they know women are given to diſſemble, they will never
believe them when they deny, _Whilome_ before this age of wit, and
wearing black, were broke in upon us, there was no way known to win a
Lady but by Tylting, Turnying, and riding through Forreſts, in which
time theſe ſlender ſtriplings with little legs were held but of
ſtrength enough to marry their widows, and even in our days there can
be given no reaſon of the Inundation of Servingmen upon their
Miſtreſſes, but (only) that uſually they carry their Maſters Weapons,
and his Valour: To be accounted handſome, juſt, learned, or well
favoured, all this carries no danger with it, but it is to be admitted
to the Title of Valiant Acts, at leaſt the adventuring of his
mortality, and al women take delight to hold him safe in their arms
who hath ’ſcapt thither through many dangers: To ſpeak at once, Man
hath a priviledge in Valour; In clothes and good faces we but imitate
women, and many of that Sex will not think much (as far as an anſwer
goes) to diſſemble wit too. So then theſe neat youths, theſe women in
mens apparel are too near a woman to be beloved of her, They be both
of a Trade, but be grim of aſpect, and ſuch a one as Glaſs dares take,
and ſhe will deſire him for neatneſs and varietie; A ſkar in a mans
face is the ſame that a mole in a womans; a Jewel ſet in white to make
it ſeem more white, for the ſkar in a man is a mark of honour and no
blemiſh, for ’tis a ſkar and a blemiſh too in a Souldier too to be
with out one: Now as for al things elſe which are to procure Love, as
a good face, wit, good clothes, or a good body, each of them I confeſs
may work ſomewhat for want of a better, That is, if _Valour be not
their Rivall_; A good face avails nothing if it be in a coward that is
baſhfull, the utmoſt of it is to be kiſſ’d, which rather encreaſeth
then quencheth appetite; He that ſends her gifts ſends her word alſo,
that he is a man of ſmall gifts otherwiſe, for wooing by ſigns and
tokens implies the Author dumb; and if _Ovid_ who writ _the Law of
Love_, were alive (as he is extant) would allow it as good a
diverſity, that gifts ſhould be ſent as gratuities, not as bribes;
Wit getteth rather promiſe then Love, Wit is not to be ſeen, and no
woman takes advice of any in her loving, but of her own eyes, and her
waiting womans; Nay which is worſe, wit is not to be felt, and ſo no
good fellow; Wit apply’d to a woman makes her diſſolve (or diſcloſe)
her ſimpering, and diſcover her teeth with laughter, and this is
ſurely a purge for love; for the beginning of love is a kind of
fooliſh melancholy, as for the man that makes his Taylor his Bawd, and
hopes to inveagle his Love with ſuch a coloured ſuit, ſurely the ſame
deeply hazards the loſs of her favour upon every change of his
clothes; So likewiſe for the other, that Courts her ſilently with a
good body, let me certifie him that his clothes depend upon the
comelyneſſe of the body, and ſo both upon opinion; ſhe that hath been
ſeduced by Apparel, let me give her to wit, _that men always put off
their clothes before they go to bed_; and let her that hath been
enamour’d of her ſervants body, underſtand, _that if ſhe ſaw him in a
ſkin of cloth_, that is, in a ſuit made to the pattern of his body,
_ſhe would ſee ſlender cauſe to love him ever after_; there are no
clothes ſit ſo well in a woman’s eye, as a ſuit of Steel, though not
of the faſhion, and no man ſo ſoon ſurpriſeth a womans affections as
he that is the ſubject of all whiſperings, and hath always twenty
ſtories of his own deeds depending upon him; Miſtake me not, I
underſtand not by valour one that never fights but when he is back’d
by drink or anger, or hiſſ’d on with beholders, nor one that is
deſperate, nor one that takes away a Servingmans weapons when
perchance it coſt him his quarters wages, nor yet one that wears a
Privy coat of defence and therein is confident, for then ſuch as made
Bucklers, would be accounted the _Catalines_ of this Commonwealth—I
intend one of an even Reſolution grounded upon reaſon, which is always
even, having his power reſtrained by the Law of not doing wrong. But
now I remember I am for Valour and therefore I muſt be a man of few
words.