LADY CYNTHIA CAREW
Having come to this odd resolve, it behoved us to lose no time. But
whither we should go, neither of us knew. North, south, east, or west,
one latitude was as good as another. We should be equally served in
each. As for the means at our disposal, we had the sum of twelve-pence
halfpenny sterling. I am sure that much the same thoughts were
uppermost in the minds of us both, for the moment I looked at little
Cynthia sitting on the couch with a tight mouth and ratter quizzical
eyes, I broke forth into a shout of laughter, which she returned so
promptly that it became a question as to whom the honour of the first
peal belonged.
In the midst of this pleasantry I walked to the door of the room and
locked it again. I had no mind to be taken unawares by the enemy; and
provided I was not, François' example had shown that a way of escape
was always open.
"Now, my dear," says I, "we have no time to lose; let us be putting our
few affairs in order. Look round this despoiled chamber, and tell me
if you observe any article in it that could be turned into money at a
pawnshop, or is likely otherwise to serve us on our journey. I am
sorry to say that every object of _vertu_ that I ever possessed upon
which we might at a pinch have raised a seven-shilling piece has
already been called upon to perform that office. There is one
exception even to these, it is true, but that cannot help us now, and I
rejoice to think so. For five minutes before your arrival I gave away
to a connoisseur, a dilettante, a lover of the beautiful, Sir Godfrey
Kneller's picture of my famous grandfather. I think I could never have
held up my head again had I given up that eminent nobleman to the
ignoble usages I have suggested. I foresaw this calamity; let me take
the credit therefore of its aversion."
"You gave it away without receiving a farthing for it!" cries Cynthia
aghast. "Oh, what a folly, Jack! Had we it now we could make thirty
shillings of it at any dealer's."
"I know, I know!" says I triumphantly, "I grant that; therefore do you
not more clearly see how finely I have acted by my grandfather?"
"Burn me if I do," says Cynthia. "Jack, what a fool thou art! For I
see never a thing of value left in the place; or stay, we might put
that pair of old iron pistols in a case and raise a loaf of bread on
them. I suppose that on the floor is the one with which you tried to
take your life, and as the one other's cocked, I suppose that's loaded
too."
"Tried to take my life," says I. "Cynthia, what words are these?"
"A truce to dissimulation, if you please," says Cynthia tartly, "for
feather-headed fellow that you are, yet do no better at it than any of
the other arts and sciences at which you have tried and failed."
I turned to the table and began sorting a handful of cards to cover my
confusion. A clever woman is the devil! Cynthia, to add a sting to
her speech, picked up the discharged pistol from the carpet,
ostentatiously searched for its case, and put it in. She then took up
the other.
"Is this loaded, or is it not?" she asked.
"No, it's not loaded," says I. "Pull down the trigger and put it in
too."
"Then, if it's not loaded, why was it cocked?" The question was
decidedly disconcerting. I was by no means willing to go into the
details of that matter, and therefore hesitated to find a reason.
"You don't know whether it's loaded or not," says Cynthia, sternly.
"Most certainly I do. Have I not said that it is not loaded?"
"And have I not said," says the impudent Cynthia, "that you don't know
whether it's loaded or not?"
"But, my dear child," says I, "have I not positively said that the
thing's not loaded?"
"Oh yes, I admit that," says the provoking creature. "But you must
admit too, sir, that I have more faith in my own judgment than I have
in yours. I say again that you don't know whether that pistol is
loaded or whether it is not."
"I'll lay you two to one in hundreds that I do," says I hotly.
"Would not a case of iron pistols against the sum of twelvepence
halfpenny be more appropriate in the circumstances?" says Cynthia.
"I believe you are right there," says I.
Cynthia then presented the pistol at the wall and a strange thing
happened. The room was filled with a reverberating crash, and when the
smoke that arose had lifted a little it was discovered that a large
mirror had been shivered into a thousand pieces.
"There," says Cynthia triumphantly.
As for me, I stood aghast for a moment, perfectly at a loss to explain
the pistol's strange behaviour. Then I suddenly broke out into a fit
of uncontrollable laughter; the admirable François had loaded them both.
It was then the turn of Cynthia to stand aghast.
"I hope your misfortunes have not deprived you of your reason," says
she, more tartly than ever; and added, "I knew all along that you
didn't know whether it was loaded or not."
"Come, come!" says I, keenly anxious, you may be sure, to change the
topic. "We have already tarried here over-long. I will tell you the
whole story in a more convenient place and season. If we don't go at
once, I am afraid we shall not go at all."
"True," says Cynthia, seating herself again on the couch with the most
deliberate and provoking coolness.
"What new whimsey is this?" says I, utterly nonplussed.
"I think, my Lord Tiverton," says Cynthia, with remarkable gravity,
"that you have overlooked an important particular."
"Which? What?" says I.
"Nay, my lord," says she, "I am the last person in the world to remind
you."
That might be true enough so far as it went, but the pretty roguish
chit composed her features and her person into such an affectation of
solemnity, and there was such a saucy twinkle in her eyes too, that all
the words in the English tongue could not have spoken more plainly than
she did without uttering any. It is, I suppose, one of the highest
gifts of her sex, though to be sure, would it were exercised more!
"Dammy," says I, "you mean--er--er; you mean that I must ask you to
marry me."
Instead of replying at once, she bent down and picked up half-a-dozen
cards from the floor, arranged them in the shape of a fan, and held
them in front of her eyes.
"La," says she, "your lordship is too kind. Pray ascribe my blushes to
my country breeding."
"Pah!" says I, "we have not the time for play-acting now. The moment
is very ill-chosen."
"Oh, I grant you that," says she, "but as you will allow that it was
none of my choosing, why should I forego the peculiar privileges that
my sex have ever derived from this position? No, as I'm a woman, I
will have this thing carried through in the most proper and approved
manner. Ods lud, sir! what notions have you got! I will be coy if I
choose, or haughty, or easy, or gracious, or mocking, or disdainful,
just as my mood is and as I've a mind to be. Now then, my lord, down
on to your noble knees, and pour forth your foolish speeches that are
meant to be so grand, which you must forget in the middle, whereon you
will descend out of a rather turgid poetry into a bald and somewhat
blasphemous prose. For I will have your lordship to know that I will
be wooed as a woman, else I will not be wooed at all. Down, down on to
your knees, my lord, and up, up with your apostrophes."
"What a consummate folly is this," says I, "when at any moment we may
be ta'en."
But the pretty little fool sat as demure as a mouse, not relaxing a lip
or twitching an eyebrow, i' faith as adorable a picture of a person as
any I've seen off a painted canvas. There was that tantalizing air
about her which at once invited, yet forbade; that aroused that which
it denied. I vow nothing could have been more taking than the sight of
little Cynthia sitting there as straight as any arrow that ever Cupid
shot, her knees and heels together, and her hands spread out with the
palms turned down, and her dainty toes peeping from underneath her
petticoat. Indeed, so was I worked on by her graces and airs that I
was like to forget the grim pass in which we were involved. Nay, I
gradually began to solicit her in a formal manner; a piece of behaviour
that contributed as much to her whimsical pleasure as it did to my
embarrassment. And when in accents of undying regard, I came to ask
for her hand in exchange for my heart and fortune, she was so charmed
with the natural fervour with which I did it, that she stopped me
imperiously, in the middle of much passion, and says: "I would have
your lordship go over again that splendid passage that you have just
uttered, that hath the fine swearing and the great humility in it. I
never heard anything choicer; Mr. Betterton never surpassed it."
And when I had humoured her as much as she wished and that was not
until I was thirsty and hot, and she was somewhat weary of keeping the
strict attitude that she thought best suited to receive my addresses
in, says she: "I declare, sir, you have pleased me vastly. You are as
good a suitor as any of them all. Mr. Waring never wooed me half so
well. As for Mr. Stokes, and Colonel Regan, and Sir John Dufty, and my
lord Viscount Brighouse, you compare very well with them too. You have
not the fine brawny pease-and-bacon appearance of Sir John, it is true,
nor is your voice so rich and noble as the Colonel's, begorra, nor is
your nose so well curved as Mr. Stoke's, nor have you a pretty little
lisp like my lord Viscount, but in the sum-total of your attributes you
do very fairly well. And therefore as your lordship's fortune is so
considerable, and you have already gained the approbation of my father,
I think the only course open to me--Oh, Jack, listen! What in the name
of heaven is that?"
"You may well ask," says I. "One, two, three, four, five probably or
more, according to their boots on the stairs, gentlemen from Bow Street
come to wait upon us."
"Oh, what shall we do!" says poor Cynthia, clapping her hands.
"Keep very calm, child, and carefully heed what I say. They will not
molest you; I am their game. But I doubt gravely whether I shall fall
to them at present. My way lies through that window and along the
tiles, and whilst they follow, you will simply go downstairs and walk
out at the front door. Go as swiftly as you can down to Piccadilly to
the gates of Hyde Park. And if I am not already come there before you,
wait till I arrive. It is to be considered, of course, that I may have
more difficulty than I apprehend in slipping these fellows."
Here the door was roughly taken and the next instant so heavy a blow
was delivered against it as partly drove in one of the panels. I had
just time to run into the adjoining chamber for a hat and a
riding-cloak, to plant a kiss between brave little Cynthia's brows, and
abjure her not to be afraid, when the door was driven in, and three or
four ugly wretches came tumbling one upon another pell-mell into the
room.