I have been in the Army for over five years; I have wallowed in
Flanders mud; I have killed thousands of Huns with my own hand; I have
seen my friends resume the habiliment of gentlemen and retire to a
life of luxury and ease; and yet I am still in the Army.
I am informed that I am indispensable and that, although I shall be
allowed to go in due course, the fate of the nation depends on my
sticking to my job for a short time more. It would be against the best
interests of discipline for me to tell you what my job is.
Last week I yearned for a civilian life and decided that not only
would I leave the Army but immediately and in good style.
I laid my plans accordingly and proceeded to Mr. Nathan's. There for
the expenditure of a few shillings I purchased the necessary material
for my guile.
I retired to my office, that is the desk that I sit at in a room with
two other officers, and I armed myself with a file which would act as
a passport to the Assistant of a Great Man, who in turn is Assistant
to a Very Great Man. They all reside at the War Office. I went there
and was conducted to the Assistant of the Great Man. Everything was
proceeding according to plan.
I found him, after the manner of Assistants, working hard. He did
not look up, so I laid my file before him. It was entitled
"Demobilization, letters concerning," and this was followed by a
long number divided up by several strokes. Within the file were some
letters that had nothing to do with my plan and still less to do with
demobilization, but I hoped that the Assistant of the Great Man might
not delve too deeply into their mysteries.
My hope was justified. "A personal application?" he asked as he
glanced at the reference number.
"Undoubtedly, Sir," I replied, and something in the soldierly timbre
of my voice arrested his attention.
Carefully replacing his teacup in its saucer he raised his eyes
towards me. As he did so he started as though he had received a shock;
a look of perturbation came over his features; his cheeks assumed
an ashy tint and for a moment my fate trembled in the balance.
But gradually I could see his years of training were reasserting
themselves; the moral support of the O.B.E. on his breast was
restoring his courage; he muttered to himself, and I caught the words
"Superior Authority."
Still muttering he rose and retired into the next room. Everything was
proceeding according to plan.
In less than a minute he reappeared and beckoned me to follow him.
I then knew that I should soon be in the presence of the Great Man
himself.
I stood in front of an oak desk and noticed the keen but suppressed
energy of the wall-paper, the tense atmosphere of war vibrating
through the room, the solid strength of England incarnate behind the
oak desk.
The Great Man spoke. His opening words showed that his interest was
centred rather in me personally than in the file that lay before him.
He spoke again, rose from his seat and disappeared. And as he went
I caught the words, "Superior Authority." In less than a minute he
returned and beckoned me to follow him. I then knew that I should
soon be in the presence of the Very Great Man himself. Everything was
proceeding according to plan.
I stood in front of a mahogany desk and noticed the keener but more
suppressed energy of the wall-paper, the tenser atmosphere of war
vibrating through the room, the solid strength of the Empire incarnate
behind the mahogany desk.
The Very Great Man spoke. His opening remarks showed that his interest
was centred in me personally. He spoke again, and these are his exact
words: "Mr. Jones," he said, "I perceive that you are a student
of King's Regulations, and that you conform your actions to those
estimable rules. You will be demobilised forthwith, and in view of
your gallant service I have pleasure in awarding you a bonus of two
hundred pounds in addition to your gratuity; but please understand
that this exceptional remuneration is given on the condition that you
are out of uniform within two hours."
With my feet turned out at an angle of about forty-five degrees, my
knees straight, my body erect and carried evenly over the thighs,
I saluted, about turned and marched to the door. Everything had
proceeded according to plan.
As I reached the door the Very Great Man spoke to the Great Man. "You
will draft an Army Order at once," he said, "in these words: King's
Regulations. Amendment. Para. 1696 will be amended, and the following
words deleted:--'Whiskers, if worn, will be of moderate length.'"
I am still in the Army. The truth of the matter is that what I have
described did not really happen. My nerve failed me at the door of
Mr. Nathan's. But I believe that whiskers, detachable, red, can be
obtained from Mr. Nathan for a few shillings.
* * * * *
Motto for the Anti-British _Écho de Paris_: "_Ludum insolentem ludere
PERTINAX._"
* * * * *
[Illustration: EXPERT OPINION.
FIRST BRICKLAYER (_pausing so as not to exceed his Union's speed
limit_). "BOUGHT ANY OF THESE 'OUSING BONDS, MATE?"
SECOND BRICKLAYER (_ditto_). "NOT ME; THEY'LL NEVER GET NO 'OUSES
BUILT, NOT IF THINGS GO ON THE WAY THEY'RE GOING."]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Incoming Batsman_ (_to Deep Field_). "ER--AM I GOING
RIGHT FOR THE WICKET, PLEASE?"]
* * * * *