office generally pay for the prizes, and bear the expenses of a reporter
for the press to puff the company. The judges carry out the rewards in
the morning tied up in brown paper, and the soldiers wear them back at
night, around their necks. Six or eight men, called pioneers, march in
front, with muffs on their heads, leather aprons tied around their
waists, and theoretical axes in their hands, which could never, by any
possibility, be made to cut anything. The officers walk between the
platoons, flourishing their dandy swords--their attention being pretty
equally divided between keeping the men in the line, keeping the little
boys out of the line, keeping their unaccustomed white cotton gloves on,
and trying to keep step with the music. In single file the men march
like a flock of geese on their winding way to the mill-pond, and six or
eight abreast, they go with the regularity of a crowd of school-boys,
effecting a masterly but hurried retreat from somebody's melon-patch. In
order to make them form a straight line, it is necessary to back them up
against a brick block, or make them stand between the tracks of a
railroad.
Such was the company of which I became a member for a brief eventful
time. Its cognomen was "The Lager-Bier American Volunteers, and Native
Empire City Shillelagh Guards," being composed of Irish, Dutch,
Spaniards, and Sandwich Islanders--the only Americans in the company
being the colored target-bearers, and the undersigned.
Convened in the drill-room at 8 A. M. As I was a new member, and had
borrowed my uniform, I had some difficulty in putting it on--buckled my
crossbelt round my neck, got my cap on wrong side before, stuck my
bayonet through my coat-tail--put my cartridge-box between my shoulders,
and my priming-wire where my "pompon" should have been.
Ready at length to start--crossed the ferry--disembarked--proceeded to
the ground and prepared to drill.
The captain finding it impossible to get into a straight line in the
usual manner, at length ingeniously overcame this geometrical difficulty
by ranging us against a board fence--he then proceeded to put us through
the exercise: "Shoulder arms!" Got my gun on the wrong shoulder. "Order
arms!" Brought it down on the toes of my neighbor. "Shoulder arms!"
again. Got it on the right shoulder this time, but in so doing knocked
off the cap of the man next to me, &c. Got through the rest of the drill
without any serious mishap, except that in attempting to charge my
piece, I bit off the wrong end of the cartridge, and swallowed the
ball--spilled the powder on the ground, and loaded the musket with the
paper only.
Now came the shooting. Nigger set the target at twenty paces--four
volleys and not a ball in it--moved it up to fifteen--no better
luck--moved it again, one ball put in it this time by a clumsy Dutchman,
who shut his eyes when he fired, and hit by mistake. Finding that
shooting was no use, captain adopted the usual plan--set the target at
ten paces, blindfolded the men, and each one charged on it with the
auger; where the point happened to hit, he bored a hole, and the one
nearest the bull's eye took the prize. I could see a little through a
hole in the cloth--consequence: hit the centre and took the first prize,
(a plated cake-basket with a pewter handle, bought for silver by the
sagacious Committee).
As the brandy had circulated pretty freely, some of the shots were
rather wild--several missed the target entirely and knocked their heads
against the trees; one bored a deep hole in a sand bank, and the first
lieutenant was put under arrest for attempting to tap the captain.
The man who took the second prize did not come so near the mark by an
inch and a half as another man, but he had a pretty sister whom one of
the judges was in love with, so he took "the spoons." Ready to go
home--Muggins, one of the judges, missing. After a long search found him
wrapped up in the colors, fast asleep with his head in a
hog-trough--stirred him up with a musket, when he called me "Mrs.
Muggins," and swore at me for pulling all the sheet over to my side.
Marched home in as good order as circumstances would allow--the darkey
bearing in proud triumph the perforated target, which had so many hits
near the centre, as to excite the admiration of the deluded public,
which, as a general rule, in such cases, can't tell a bullet mark from
an auger-hole.
XI.
A new Patent Medicine Operation.
As I too desire to have a mansion on the Fifth Avenue, like the Medical
Worthy of Sarsaprilla memory, and wished like him to be able to build a
patent medicine palace, with a private chapel under the back-stairs, and
a conservatory down-cellar, I cast about me for some means whereby the
requisite cash might be reputably accumulated.
I feared that the Panacea and Cure-Everything trick had been played too
often, but I determined to make one big try, and I think that at last my
fortune is made.
Congratulate me--I am immortalized, and I've done it myself. My name
will be handed down to posterity as that of a universal benefactor. The
hand which hereafter writes upon the record of Fame, the names of Ayer,
Sands, Townsend, Moffat, Morrison, and Brandreth, must also inscribe,
side by side with these distinguished appellations, the no less
brilliant cognomen of the undying Doesticks.
Emulous of the deathly notoriety which has been acquired by the
medicinal worthies just mentioned, _I_ also resolved to achieve a name
and a fortune in the same reputable and honest manner.
Bought a gallon of tar, a cake of beeswax, and a firkin of lard, and in
twenty-one hours I presented to the world the first batch of
"_Doesticks' Patent, Self-Acting, Four-Horse Power Balsam_," designed to
cure all diseases of mind, body, or estate, to give strength to the
weak, money to the poor, bread and butter to the hungry, boots to the
barefoot, decency to blackguards, and common sense to the Know-Nothings.
It acts physically, morally, mentally, psychologically, physiologically,
and geologically, and it is intended to make our sublunary sphere a
blissful paradise, to which Heaven itself shall be but a side-show.
I have not yet brought it to absolute perfection, but even now it acts
with immense force, as you will perceive by the accompanying
testimonials and records of my own individual experience. You will
observe that I have not resorted to the usual manner of preparing
certificates: which is, to be certain that all those intended for
Eastern circulation shall seem to come from some formerly unheard-of
place in the West, while those sent to the West shall be dated at some
place forty miles east of sun-rise. But I send to _you_, as representing
the western country, a certificate from an Oregon farmer.
"DEAR SIR: The land composing my farm has hitherto been so poor that
a Scotchman couldn't get his living off it; and so stony that we had
to slice our potatoes and plant them edgeways; but, hearing of your
balsam, I put some on the corner of a ten-acre lot, surrounded by a
rail-fence, and in the morning I found the rocks had entirely
disappeared--a neat stone wall encircled the field, and the rails
were split into ovenwood and piled up symmetrically in my back yard.
Put half an ounce into the middle of a huckleberry swamp--in two
days it was cleared off, planted with corn and pumpkins, and had a
row of peach trees in full bloom through the middle.
As an evidence of its tremendous strength, I would state that it
drew a striking likeness of my eldest daughter--drew my youngest boy
out of the mill-pond--drew a blister all over his stomach--drew a
load of potatoes four miles to market, and eventually drew a prize
of ninety-seven dollars in the State Lottery.
And the effect upon the inhabitants hereabout has been so wonderful,
that they have opened their eyes to the good of the country, and are
determined to vote for a Governor who is opposed to frosts in the
middle of June, and who will make a positive law against freshets,
hail-storms, and the seventeen-year locusts."
There, isn't that _some_?
But I give one more from a member of the senior class in a western
college, who, although misguided, neglected, and ignorant, is,
undoubtedly, as honest and sincere as his Prussianized education will
admit of.
I have corrected the orthography, and revised some grammatical
inaccuracies; but, besides attending to these trifles, inserting marks
of punctuation, and putting the capitals in the right places, I assure
you I have made no alteration.
"SALL HARBOR, June 31, 1854.
MY DEAR DOCTOR. [You know I attended medical lectures half a winter,
and once assisted in getting a crooked needle out of a baby's leg;
so I understand perfectly well the theory and practice of medicine,
and the _Doctor_ is perfectly legitimate under the Prussian system.]
By the incessant study required in this establishment, I had become
worn down so thin that I was obliged to put on an overcoat to cast a
shadow--but accidentally hearing of your Balsam, I obtained a
quantity, and, in obedience to the Hom[oe]opathic principles of this
Institution, took an_infinitesimal_ dose only; in four days I
measured one hundred and eighty-two inches round the waist; could
chop eleven cords of hickory wood in two hours and a half; and, on a
bet, carried a yoke of oxen two miles and a quarter in my left hand,
my right being tied behind me, and if any one doubts the fact, the
oxen are still to be seen.
About two weeks after this, I had the pleasure of participating
in a gunpowder explosion, on which occasion my arms and legs were
scattered over the village, and my mangled remains pretty equally
distributed throughout the entire county.
Under these circumstances my life was despaired of, and my
classmates had bought a pine coffin, and borrowed whole shirts to
attend the funeral in; when the invincible power of your four
horse-power balsam (which I happened to have in my vest pocket)
suddenly brought together the scattered pieces of my body--collected
my limbs from the rural districts--put new life into my shattered
frame, and I was restored, uninjured to my friends, with a new set
of double teeth.
I have preserved the label which enveloped the bottle, and have
sewed it into the seat of my pantaloons, and I now bid grim death
defiance, for I feel that I am henceforth unkillable, and in fact I
am even now generally designated the '_Great Western Achilles_.'
Yours entirely
SKI HY."
I feel that after this, I need give you no more reports of third
persons, but will detail some of my own personal experience of the
article.
I caused some to be applied to the Washtenaw Bank after its failure, and
while the Balsam lasted the Bank redeemed its notes with specie.
The cork of one of the bottles dropped upon the head of a childless
widow, and in six weeks she had a young and blooming husband.
Administered some to a hack-driver in a glass of gin and sugar, and
that day he swindled but seven people, and only gave two of them bad
money in change.
Gave a few drops gratis to a poor woman who was earning a precarious
subsistence by making calico shirts with a one-eyed needle, and the next
day she was discovered to be heir to a large fortune.
Gave some to an up-town actor, and that night he said "damned" only
twenty-one times.
One of the daily papers got the next dose, and in the next edition but
one there were but four editorial falsehoods, seven indecent
advertisements, and two columns and a half of home-made "Foreign
Correspondence."
Caused fifteen drops to be given to the low comedian of a Broadway
Theatre, and that night he was positively dressed more like a man than a
monkey, actually spoke some lines of the author, made only three inane
attempts at puerile witticisms--only twice went out of his way to
introduce some grossly indelicate line into his part, and for a wonder,
lost so much of his self-conceit that for a full half-hour he did not
believe himself the greatest comedian in the world.
Gave some to a news-boy, and he manufactured but three fires, a couple
of murders, and one horrible rail-road accident in the next thirty
minutes.
Put some on the outside of the Crystal Palace and the same day the stock
went from 22 up to 44.
Our whole Empire City is entirely changed by the miraculous power of
"Doesticks' Patent Self-Acting Four Horse Power Balsam." The gas is
lighted on the dark nights, instead of on the moonlight evenings--there
are no more highway robberies in the streets, or, if there are, the
offenders, when arrested, are instantly discharged by the police
magistrate. No more building materials on the sidewalks; no more
midnight murders; no more Sunday rows; no more dirty streets; no more
duels in Hoboken, and no more lies in the newspapers.
Broadway is swept and garnished: the M. P.'s are civil, and the boys
don't steal any more dogs. In fact, so well content are we now with our
City, that we feel, as the Hibernian poet so beautifully says:
"O, if there be an Elysium on earth,
It is this--it is this."
Orders for my Balsam, _accompanied by the money_, will be immediately
attended to; otherwise not, for my partner and I have resolved to sell
for cash only feeling as did Dr. Young, who appropriately and feelingly
remarks--
"We take no notes on Time."
Bull Dogge says I have piled it up too strong, and that no one will
believe what he calls "that humbug about the newspapers, and the
preposterous nonsense concerning the Broadway Actor." I am aware that in
these instances my medicine has performed a modern miracle, but the
facts remain "no less true than strange."
If I fail to accumulate a "pile" in this speculation, I shall start a
Know-Nothing Newspaper, run it a month, and then fail and swindle the
subscribers; get an overgrown woman or a whiskered lady, and exhibit her
for twenty-five cents a head, or get up a Grand Gift Enterprise, with
$20,000 prizes.
XII.
Running with the "Masheen."
Since the "_Grate old Squwirt_" made to go by steam, and imported from
Cincinnati to put to the blush Metropolitan Redshirtdom, and which
couldn't raise steam enough to throw water to the top of the City Hall,
has proved such a signal failure, the good old-fashioned
"fire-annihilators" (not Barnum's) have been more popular than ever.
The "boys" say they will take the oldest and most primitive engine in
the city, man it with fourteen small-sized news-boys on a side, and,
with this apparatus, will throw more water, throw it higher farther, and
to more purpose than any or all the clumsy steam humbugs yet invented in
Porkopolis.
Ninety-seven's boys say they can run to a fire, get their water on,
extinguish the conflagration, "take-up", get home, bunk in, and snooze
half an hour before the "Squwirt" could get her kindling-wood ready.
[Illustration: Doesticks Running with the "Masheen."]
Now I am not known by the cognomen of "Mose," nor do I answer to the
name of "Syskey"--neither as a general thing do I promenade the middle
of Broadway with my pantaloons tucked into my boots. Still, by way of a
new excitement, I lately joined the Fire Department, and connected
myself with the company of Engine 97.
Bought my uniform, treated the company, took up my quarters in the
bunkroom, where I slept by night in a bed occupied in the day-time by a
big yellow dog. First night, went to bed with my boots on, ready for an
alarm. At last it came--seized the rope with the rest of the boys;
started on a run; tugged and toiled till we got her into the 11th
district, four miles and a half from home; found the alarm had been
caused by a barrel of shavings, and the conflagration had extinguished
itself; had to drag her clear back; tired most to death; it wasn't funny
at all.
Turned in; half an hour, new alarm; started again--hose 80 laid in the
same alley, got our apparatus jammed on the corner; fight; 97
victorious; got our machine out, and carried off the forewheel of 80's
carriage on our tongue; reached the fire; big nigger standing on the
hydrant; elected myself appraiser and auctioneer; knocked him down
without any bidder; took water; got our stream on the fire; fun; worked
till my arms ached; let go to rest; foreman hit me over the head with a
trumpet, and told me to go ahead; children in the garret; horrible
situation; gallant fireman made a rush up the ladder; battled his way
through the smoke--reappeared with a child in each arm, and his pocket
full of teaspoons.
Old gentleman from the country; much excited; wanted to help, but
didn't exactly know how; he rushed into a fourth-story bedroom; threw
the mirror out of the window; frantically endeavored to hurl the
dressing-table after it; seized the coal-scuttle; hurriedly put in the
poker, bootjack, and a pair of worn out slippers, carried them down
stairs, and deposited them in a place of safety four blocks away; came
back on a run, into the parlor; took up the door-mat, wrapped up an
empty decanter in it, and transported it safely into the barn of the
nearest neighbor; he kept at work; by dint of heroic exertions, he at
various times deposited, by piece, the entire kitchen cooking-stove in
the next street, uninjured; and at last, after knocking the piano to
pieces with an axe, in order to save the lock, and filling his pocket
with the sofa castors, he was seen to make his final exit from the
back-yard, with a length of stovepipe in each hand, the toasting fork
tucked behind his ear, and two dozen muffin rings in his hat which was
surmounted by a large-sized frying-pan.
During the next week there were several alarms--fire in a big block full
of paupers--first man in the building; carried down stairs in my arms
two helpless undressed children, thereby saving their valuable lives; on
giving them to their mother, she, amid a whirlwind of thanks, imparted
the gratifying intelligence that one was afflicted with the measles, and
the other had the Michigan itch.
Another fire; foreman took the lead, and ran down the street, yelling
like an independent devil, with a tin trumpet. Company made a grand
stampede, and followed in the rear, dragging old 97 in a spasmodic
gallop. Found the fire in a boarding school; dashed up a ladder; tumbled
through a window; entered a bed-room; smoke so thick I couldn't see;
caught up in my arms a feminine specimen in a long night-gown; got back
to the window; tried to go down; ladder broke under me; stuck adhesively
to the young lady; and, after unexampled exertions, deposited her safely
in the next house, where I discovered that I had rescued from the
devouring element the only child of _the black cook_!
Fire in a storehouse--went on the roof; explosion; found myself in
somebody's cellar, with one leg in a soap barrel, and my hair full of
fractured hen's eggs; discovered that I had been blown over a church,
and had the weathercock still remaining in the rear of my demolished
pantaloons.
Fire in a liquor-store--hose burst; brandy "lying round loose;" gin
"convaynient," and old Monongahela absolutely begging to be protected
from further dilution; Croton water too much for my delicate
constitution; carried home on a shutter.
Fire in a church--Catholic--little marble images all round the room in
niches; wall began to totter; statues began to fall; St. Andrew knocked
my fire hat over my eyes; St. Peter threw his whole weight on my big
toe; St. Jerome hit me a clip over the head, which laid me sprawling,
when a picture of the Holy Family fell and covered me up like a bed
quilt.
Fire in a big clothing store--next day our foreman sported a new silk
velvet vest, seven of the men exhibited twelve dollar doeskin pants, and
the black boy who sweeps out the bunk room, and scours the engine, had a
new hat, and a flaming red cravat, presented, as I heard, by the
proprietor of the stock of goods, as an evidence of his appreciation of
their endeavors to save his property.
_I_ didn't get any new breeches; on the contrary, lost my new overcoat,
and got damaged myself. Something like this--fire out, order came, "take
up, 97;" took off the hose; turned her round; got the boys together, and
started for home; corner of the street hook and ladder 100 (Dutch),
engine 73 (Irish), hose 88 (Yankee), and our own company, came in
contact; machines got jammed; polyglot swearing by the strength of the
companies; got all mixed up; fight; one of 88's men hit foreman of hook
and ladder 100 over the head with a spanner; extemporaneous and
impartial distribution of brickbats; 97's engineer clipped one of 73's
men with a trumpet; 73 retaliated with a paving stone; men of all the
companies went in; resolved to "go in" myself; went in; went out again
as fast as I could, with a black eye, three teeth (indigestible, I have
reason to believe) in my stomach, intermingled with my supper, my red
shirt in carpet rags, and my knuckles skinned, as if they had been
pawned to a Chatham street Jew.
Got on a hydrant, and watched the fun; 88's boys whipped everything;
73's best man was doubled up like a jack-knife, by a dig in the place
where Jonah was; four of 97's fellows were lying under the machine, with
their eyes in mourning; hook and ladder took home two-thirds of their
company on the truck, and the last I saw of their foreman he was lying
in the middle of the street, with his trumpet smashed flat, his boots
under his head, his pockets inside out, a brick in his mouth, a hundred
and twenty-five feet of hose on the back of his neck, and the hind
wheels of 20's engine resting on his left leg.
Four policemen, on the opposite corner, saw the whole row. On the first
indication of a fight, they pulled their hats down over their eyes,
covered up their stars, and slunk down the nearest alley. Got home,
resigned my commission, made my will, left the company my red shirt and
fire cap. Seen enough of fire service; don't regret my experience, but
do grieve for my lost teeth and my new overcoat.
P. S.--Have just met the foreman of 73--he had on my late lamented
overcoat; ain't big enough to lick him--magnanimously concluded to let
him alone.
XIII.
Street Preaching--A Zealous Trio, and a Religious Controversy.
During the first part of my sojourn in the metropolis I made the
acquaintance of a portly personage from the "Providence Plantations,"
who invited me to visit his home, and take a look at little "Rhody." As
I had been hustled round pretty constantly for several weeks, I had
become fairly tired of New York, although it is a town of considerable
consequence. Wanted to see the world; so started for the seven-by-nine
State of Rhode Island. In the course of a thorough exploration of that
delightful though diminutive state, which occupied me about five hours,
I discovered that they shingle the houses all over outside and in, and
put the windows in the roof; they make their rail fences out of cobble
stones; the ducks roost on the fence, and hatch their young ones in the
tops of the cherry trees; the men look so much alike, their wives often
kiss the wrong individual, (Damphool says it's a way women have the
world over).
Went to the city of Providence, where all the men make jewelry, and all
the women believe in spirit rappings; where they've got a bridge wider
than it is long, and Macadamized on both sides; where all the plaster
busts of great men have grey wigs on; where they light the gas in the
middle of the afternoon; where they drive five horses tandem; where the
apples grow as big as washtubs, and the oysters obtain the enormous size
of three-cent pieces.
Went into the woods after chestnuts; couldn't find any, but discovered a
magnificent tree in the distance--rejoiced exceedingly thereat--started
for it--three quarters of a mile away; went ahead over stones, ditches,
fences, snakes, briers, and stone walls, until at last I reached it, and
found it was an elm, no chestnuts on it--got very mad; walked round the
state a couple of times, and took the first train for home.
Glad to see the old place again, and also pleased to perceive that
something of unusual importance seemed to occupy the attention of the
usually-hard-at-work-but-on-Sunday-loafing-about-the-streets-waiting-for
-a-fire-or-a-row-to-turn-up population of the city.
Saw a big crowd in the Park--inquired about it, and was told the usual
Street Screeching was going on--wanted to see the fun--got a good place
on a fat Irishman's toes.