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[Illustration: Doesticks and his Friends.]
Doesticks
What He Says
BY
Q. K. Philander Doesticks, P.B.
NEW YORK:
LIVERMORE & RUDD,
310 BROADWAY.
1856.
Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1855, by
EDWARD LIVERMORE,
In the Clerk's Office of the District Court for the Southern District
of New York
THIS IS NEITHER
A HISTORY, ROMANCE, LIFE-DRAMA, BIOGRAPHY,
AUTOBIOGRAPHY,
NOR
POST MORTEM EXAMINATION,
BUT A SERIES OF
Unpremeditated Literary Extravaganzas,
WRITTEN WITHOUT MALICE AFORETHOUGHT
BY THE SINGLE HERO THEREOF,
PURELY FOR HIS OWN GLORIFICATION
AND PRINTED BY THE PUBLISHER
SOLELY FOR HIS OWN PROFIT.
Nothing.
In a literary point of view this book claims nothing:
This is the manufacturer's assertion.
In a literary point of view this book amounts to nothing.
This will be the reader's conclusion.
And if any skeptical person insists upon investigating the matter for
himself, he will eventually be compelled to acknowledge the verity of
this remark; and will, at the same time, bear a strong testimony to the
sagacity of the publisher, who has put his trust in nothing--_for he
will have bought the book_.
This work simply professes to be sketches of various persons, places,
and events--some of which have been published, and some hav'n't; some
are bad, and some are worse; but all have a claim to originality in
treatment, although the same things may have been better said by better
people.
Some of these bubbles have been, for some time, floating on the sea of
literature--the lightest froth of the restless wave; still there are
many of them which have never met the public eye, and which are here,
for the first time, set afloat.
And for their publication the writer makes no apology. Accident has
brought these "airy nothings" into notice; and although many of the
thoughts are not novel in themselves, but are merely whimsically put,
and not a few of the whims are borrowed unhesitatingly from others, they
are dressed up in a lingual garb so quaint, eccentric, fantastic, or
extravagant, that each lender would be sadly puzzled to know his own.
It is undoubtedly this trick of phrase, this affectation of a new-found
style, which has caused their widespread newspaper notoriety. And in the
hope that people will buy the book before the trick is stale, and not
suspect the secret of the joke until they read it on this page, the
writer has authorized the collection of these roving unsubstantial
ink-brats into their present shelter, and now presents the whole uncouth
family for inspection, trusting that the experiment will "put money in
the purse," not only of himself, but of his sanguine publisher.
This book, like Hodge's razors, was "made to sell;" and if the sometime
good-natured world will pay the price, and have its huge grim smile over
these unlicked fancies--although in a political, moral, or utilitarian
sense it will have gained nothing--it will, in a literal if not literary
view, lose nothing.
But if it is in a surly mood, and chooses to look with dignified
contempt upon this avowed and candid literary humbug, some one will be
disappointed to think he has miscalculated the fickle taste of the
aforesaid world and some one will be out of pocket by its sulky humor;
but _of_ these persons, their whereabouts, their circumstances, or their
names, the world can _say_ nothing; because it will know nothing; no,
nothing.
Q. K. PHILANDER DOESTICKS, P.B.
NEW YORK, _June_, 1855.
Table of Contents
I.
PAGE
How Doesticks came to think of it, 13
Hears a voice--Determined.
II.
Doesticks satisfies Philander, 18
Writing a book.
III.
Niagara, 25
IV.
Doesticks on a Bender, 26
Feels sublime--Laboring under difficulties.
V.
Seeking a Fortune--Railroad Felicities, 33
Leaves Home--Arrives in Gotham.
VI.
Seeing the Lions--Barnum's Museum, 40
Talks to Philander--Admires the Fountain--Visits Barnum's--Sees
a Free Fight.
VII.
Model Boarding Houses, 49
Finds a Boarding House--Has another home--Content.
VIII.
Potency of Croton Water, or an Aqueous Quality hitherto unknown, 57
Croton Water--Doesticks at Burton's--At Home.
IX.
Modern Witchcraft, 64
Doesticks Reflections--Visits a Fortune Teller.
X.
City Target Excursion, 73
Becomes a Military Man--Describes his Company--Attends the
drill--Wins the prize.
XI.
A New Patent Medicine Operation, 84
Patent Balsam--Receives Testimonials--Shows how it works--Sells
for cash.
XII.
Running with the "Masheen," 92
Goes to a Fire--Displays his Courage--Gets into a row--Makes
his will.
XIII.
Street Preaching--A Zealous Trio and a Religious Controversy, 102
In Rhode Island--Hears Gabriel--Shows what can be done.
XIV.
Disappointed Love, 110
Sees Calanthe Maria--Becomes Devoted--In Extacies--Learns his
Folly--Love dissipated.
XV.
Modern Patent Piety--Church-going in the City, 120
Goes to Church--Hears the organ--Looks about him--Conclusions.
XVI.
Benevolence run mad--Charitable Cheating, 130
Goes to a Ball--Attends a Fair--Solicited--Makes an
investment--Meditates.
XVII.
Millerite Jubilee--How they didn't go up, 140
Sees the Millerites--Cogitates--Offers a resolution.
XVIII.
The great "American Tragedian," 148
Visits the Theatre--Observations--Awe-stricken--Touched to
the heart.
XIX.
"Side Shows" of the City, 159
Descriptions--Suggestions--Sees Bowery Sights--Describes the
animals.
XX.
New Year's Day in New York, 169
Sleeping Friend--New Year's Calls--Observes the Callers--Hears
the music--Good Night.
XXI.
Amusement for the Million--A 2.40 Sleigh Ride, 180
With a fast nag--In a crowd--Enjoys the ride--Upsets--Speaks
of the girls.
XXII.
Cupid in Cold Weather--Valentine's Day, 193
Opinion of Valentines--Receives some.
XXIII.
The Kentucky Tavern, 200
In Kentucky--At Breakfast--Return to Michigan.
XXIV.
The River Darkies, 206
On a Steamboat--Negro Concert--Kentucky Pumpkins.
XXV.
The Thespian Wigwam, 215
Looks about him--The curtain goes up--An interesting pair.
XXVI.
Theatricals again--A Night at the Bowery, 228
Reads the Bill--Describes the Company--Satisfied.
XXVII.
Mysterious Secrets of the K. N.'s.--A Midnight Initiation--
Philander fooled, 241
Initiated--Instructed--Hoaxed.
XXVIII.
A Diabolical Conspiracy--A Shanghae Infernal Machine, 248
Doesticks' Shanghae--In Tribulation.
XXIX.
An Evening with the Spiritualists--Rampant Ghostology, 253
Doesticks and the Medium--Commune with the Spirit--Gets
information.
XXX.
Special Express from Dog Paradise--A Canine Ghost, 262
Doesticks' Dog Speaks to him--Hears his wrongs--Speaks of
his discourse.
XXXI.
'Lection Day--"Paddy" versus "Sam," 271
Investigates--Votes, and is challenged--Announces Hoggs'
Election.
XXXII.
Police Adventures--Mayor Wood Around, 283
Applies for office of M. P.--Accepted and takes his
station--Reprimanded--Discharged.
XXXIII.
Damphool defunct--Place of his Exile--Description thereof--and
Exit, 292
Dislikes Damphool's retreat--Rehearses his faults and
failings--admires his traits of character--Bids him
farewell.
XXXIV.
Keeping the Maine Law, 305
Notes the change in the times--Inspects the cellar--
Tries the vintages.
XXXV.
Theatricals once more--Shakspeare darkeyized--Macbeth in
high Colors, 313
Descriptions--Sees Macbeth--Describes the characters--Views
of the Death Scene.
XXXVI.
Young America in Long Dresses--Great Excitement in Babydom, 323
Visits the Baby Show--Describes the babies--Speaks of the
Prizes.
What He Says.
I.
How Doesticks came to think of it.
It is not pretended that this volume is a work of inspiration, or that
any portion of it has been revealed by accommodating "Spirits" through
the "Medium" of those crack-brained masculine women, or addle-headed
feminine men who profess to act as go-betweens from Earth to the Spirit
World.
No part of it has been "rapped" out by uneasy tables, or thumped out by
dancing chairs; Doctor Franklin didn't dictate it; Lord Byron didn't
write it; Napoleon wasn't consulted about it; Cardinal Richelieu didn't
have a finger in it; George the Third hadn't anything to do with it;
Shakspeare didn't suggest anything in it; and Benedict Arnold didn't
know anything about it.
That these worthies might have afforded much valuable information,
offered many important improvements, and enriched the book with a host
of wise opinions, had some sapient "Medium" asked their assistance, is
unquestionable. But as neither Andrew Jackson Davis, or any other
spiritual call boy was at the elbow of the writer to summon these
desirable but defunct individuals, they were probably left to pursue, in
unmolested peace, their favorite and dignified occupations of "tipping"
tables, knocking on partitions, drumming on floors, frightening old
women and little girls into hysterics, and upsetting the propriety of
whole parlors full of furniture, whole closets full of glass-ware, and
whole cup-boards full of pots, pans and other kitchen gear. For in such
intellectual and elevated employments are great men's ghosts engaged,
when they pass into a more refined state of existence, if we may credit
the assertions of the self-styled "_Spiritualists_."
But, unassisted, and alone, I, the writer, have undertaken this mighty
work, instigated only by the Spirits hereinafter referred to, and by the
representations of my publisher.
Although at present neither celebrated nor notorious, I have a
presentiment that I am speedily about to become one or the other.
Through an accidental rip in the curtain of futurity, I have caught a
glimpse of the Goddess of Fame. I have heard her sing out from her
rather elevated position for me to come up and take a "hasty plate" of
glory; and I have not the heart to refuse the request of such a
good-looking female, preferred in such elegant language. I am going to
shin up the slippery rope leading to her aerial temple (for accurate
dimensions and appearance, see engraving in the old Elementary Spelling
Book), for the purpose of taking a hand in the game of literary renown,
trusting that Nature has given me trumps enough to make the "game," and
that Fortune will deal me all "the honors."
For weeks I have been haunted perpetually by a voice--not a "still,
small voice"--but a large voice, a considerable voice; a voice
vociferous, unctuous, and ever-present, and withal insinuating, and not
wholly distasteful. It has been constant in my ear, suggesting pleasing
hopes and fanciful desires; and though its _notes_ were often varied,
yet ever was the _theme_ the same; and the constant burden of that
ceaseless song was, "Write a book! write a book!"
And in dreams, too, visions of good-looking ladies with wings, came into
my 7x9 chamber, and whispered in my ear, and they too said, "Write a
book! write a book!"--and one I thought, with versi-colored plumage,
with her finger on her lip, quoted the perpetually murdered Shakspeare
prophetically, and, no doubt, with an eye to the success of the volume
aforesaid, and said, suiting with a fairy-like gesture the action to the
word, "I could a tale unfold." And plucking a snowy quill, she gave it
to me, murmuring, as did all the rest, "Write a book! write a book!"
Awoke--put on my pantaloons and boots, and in my shirt sleeves sat down
to cogitate. Result is, that I shall use the lengthy quill--I shall
accept the pressing invitation of the Goddess of Fame; and in order most
effectually to _dis_-tinguish or _ex_-tinguish myself, hereby with
malice aforethought, and the penalty of a failure before my eyes, I sit
down to write a book.
But my physician informs me that I have got the "cacoethes scribendi,"
which he says is as bad as the small-pox, toothache, and yellow fever.
The disease, he says, must have its course--it may end in a malignant
biography--result in an infectious broadsword and blunderbuss, yellow
covered novel, or degenerate into a weak form of pseudo-sentimental
verse writing, in which latter case, on the appearance of the first
symptom he intends to order me a literary tombstone.
Having fully determined upon making this literary effort, it became
necessary to make up my mind as to what should be the contents of the
work. A mental cogitation ensued. Philander was puzzled to know what
Doesticks was going to write about--Philander asked Doesticks--whereupon
Doesticks, in order to satisfy Philander, replied as follows, upon
hearing which reply Philander was content.
II.
Doesticks satisfies Philander.
What it will be all about, time alone will show, for although I have
done a little of almost everything, it has in most instances been _so_
little, that a premeditated autobiography would probably lack incident,
and be deficient in interest. I have not as yet invented humbugs enough
to earn a _Prince_-ly title, and not having made a fortune by ingenious
trickery, metallic impudence and barefaced deception, cannot edify the
"darling public," by telling how the thing is done.
Never having made fierce love to a lady against her will, followed her
from place to place in the small-beer spirit of presumptuous puppyism,
been outwitted by her at last, and left to cool my amorous passion in a
prison, the story of my courtship and its consequence, would not prove
attractive.
As I have ever been on good terms with my family, I feel no desire,
under the guise of a fictitious narrative, to call any members of it
miserly and mean, purse-proud and haughty, or to say that others are
conceited, vain, selfish, silly, foppish, or weak-brained.
Novel writing is out of the question. I have tried that, but met with
serious difficulties. I couldn't keep my hero of the same nation--in the
first chapter I made him a Spaniard; two pages afterward he was an
English nobleman; in the fourth chapter an Oriental juggler, balancing a
bamboo ladder on his nose, and making a fig-tree grow out of the calf of
his leg--and so on, successively, an Italian image-seller, a Dutch
burgomaster, a South American Indian, and a Mississippi steamboat pilot.
I had as much difficulty in permanently locating the country of my
fictitious favorite, as the Know-Nothing party of New York in the late
election had, in determining the nativity of their candidate for
Governor, whose chances of election were fair while he was thought to be
an American, but who was finally defeated on the ground that he was a
Hindoo, and owned stock in the car of Juggernaut. Poetry has been
overdone; the gentle art has culminated in a recent "Spasmodic Tragedy,"
and in the sublime effusions of K. N. PEPPER, ESQ., whose matchless lays
have won for him undying fame, and the admiration of several; and who so
outruns competition that there is nothing left to be done in that
direction.
In the play-writing vein, I have also failed; not from any lack of merit
in my drama, as the manager solemnly assured me, but because he had not
the menagerie requisite to its proper representation. Improving upon the
hint offered by the managers of the "_Thespian Wigwam_," who have added
an elephant and a circus company to their company of "gifted artists," I
had introduced into my play a rhinoceros, a lioness, two hyenas, a team
of "two-forty" reindeers, a couple of ostriches, and a muley-cow,--and
even then there was but a slight obstacle--the manager might have
procured the animals, but he was afraid the cow would quarrel with the
rhinoceros, and so disturb the harmony of his establishment.
But this book, Philander, it will be impossible to class as strictly
either classic, scientific, historical, humorous, or descriptive.
Fantastic and extravagant it will be in many things; but we will do our
best to make it agreeable to the palate of the public. I promise
everything, like all book-makers, and I shall afterwards perform what is
convenient, following the same reliable precedent.
My book shall be full of love and poetry to suit the "fast" young
ladies, and shall be written in easy words of two syllables to meet the
necessities of the "fast" young men.
I shall praise, flatter, and commend everybody and everything, that
everyone may receive his meed of approbation; and I shall also censure,
find fault, and criticise in an equally universal manner, that no one
may escape his proper castigation.
I shall set forth a great multitude of fancies, theories, and
hypotheses, that those who are fond of innovation may not lack
gratification; and I shall immediately proceed to controvert and deny
them all, that the conservative portion of community be not offended.
I shall cry down education and instruction, for there are those who
consider all teaching an evil; and on the other hand, I shall advocate
learning and science, for there is a very respectable minority which
insist that the people may advantageously be taught something more.
I shall not stand up for love and charity, for it might induce people
to love the wrong persons, and to give their pennies to imposters; and
yet I shall not eulogize avarice and hate, for there are a few who think
benevolence and kindness preferable even to these.
I shall not throw my influence in the scale of Protestantism lest the
Catholics should take offence, nor yet shall strive to build up
Catholicism, lest thereby the dislike of the Orthodoxy be incurred. Nor
shall I show myself a partisan of religion of any kind, for the Atheist
says it is all a farce. Neither shall I endeavor to inculcate principles
of infidelity, for there is still an occasional prejudice in favor of
Christianity.
It will be "a work which no gentleman's library should be without." It
is considered necessary to the safety of the Union, that its democratic
principles be thoroughly disseminated, and it is indispensable to the
stability of the English throne that its monarchical doctrines be
thoroughly comprehended. Every man, woman, child, canal driver, billiard
marker, faro dealer, and member of Congress will be provided with a
copy, thereby preserving the Union, destroying our liberties, and
keeping unsullied the honor and dignity of "OUR FLAG."
I hope the public will be as well satisfied by this eloquent speech
as Philander was, that this book is one of immense utility, and will
consequently peruse the same with a huge degree of gratification.
[Illustration: Doesticks on a Bender.]
III.
Niagara.
I was never given to accepting the decisions of others as gospel in
any cases where it was possible for me to manufacture a home-made
opinion of my own; and I did not greatly wonder at myself when I
discovered that my emotions, when I first beheld that great aqueous
brag of universal Yankeedom, Niagara, were not of the stereotyped and
generally-considered-to-be-necessary--sort. The letter which follows,
and which is all the reminiscence of my visit extant, was published soon
after, and extensively copied, and was, in fact, the first article which
bore the name of Doesticks.
IV.
Doesticks on a Bender.
I have been to Niagara--you know Niagara Falls--big rocks, water, foam,
Table Rock, Indian curiosities, squaws, moccasins, stuffed snakes,
rapids, wolves, Clifton House, suspension bridge, place where the water
runs swift, the ladies faint, scream, and get the paint washed off their
faces; where the aristocratic Indian ladies sit on the dirt and make
little bags; where all the inhabitants swindle strangers; where the cars
go in a hurry, the waiters are impudent, and all the small boys swear.
When I came in sight of the suspension bridge, I was vividly impressed
with the idea that it was "some" bridge; in fact, a considerable
curiosity, and a "considerable" bridge. Took a glass of beer and walked
up to the Falls; another glass of beer and walked under the Falls;
wanted another glass of beer, but couldn't get it; walked away from the
Falls, wet through, mad, triumphant, victorious; humbug! humbug! Sir,
all humbug! except the dampness of everything, which is a moist
certainty, and the cupidity of everybody, which is a diabolical fact,
and the Indians and niggers everywhere, which is a satanic truth.
Another glass of beer--'twas forthcoming--immediately--also another, all
of which I drank. I then proceeded to drink a glass of beer; went over
to the States, where I procured a glass of beer--went up-stairs, for
which I paid a sixpence; over to Goat Island, for which I disbursed
twenty-five cents; hired a guide, to whom I paid half a dollar--sneezed
four times, at nine cents a sneeze--went up on the tower for a quarter
of a dollar, and looked at the Falls--didn't feel sublime any; tried to,
but couldn't; took some beer, and tried again, but failed--drank a glass
of beer and began to feel better--thought the waters were sent for and
were on a journey to the----; thought the place below was one sea of
beer--was going to jump down and get some; guide held me; sent him over
to the hotel to get a glass of beer, while I tried to write some
poetry--result as follows:
Oh thou (spray in one eye) awful, (small lobster in one shoe,) sublime
(both feet wet) master-piece of (what a lie) the Almighty! terrible and
majestic art thou in thy tremendous might--awful (orful) to behold,
(cramp in my right shoulder,) gigantic, huge and nice! Oh, thou that
tumblest down and riseth up again in misty majesty to heaven--thou
glorious parent of a thousand rainbows--what a huge, grand, awful,
terrible, tremendous, infinite, old swindling humbug you are; what are
you doing there, you rapids, you--you know you've tumbled over there,
and can't get up again to save your puny existence; you make a great
fuss, don't you?
Man came back with the beer, drank it to the last drop, and wished
there had been a gallon more--walked out on a rock to the edge of the
fall, woman on the shore very much frightened--I told her not to get
excited if I fell over, as I would step right up again--it would not be
much of a fall anyhow--got a glass of beer of a man, another of a woman,
and another of two small boys with a pail--fifteen minutes elapsed, when
I purchased some more of an Indian woman, and imbibed it through a
straw; it wasn't good--had to get a glass of beer to take the taste out
of my mouth; legs began to tangle up, effects of the spray in my eyes,
got hungry and wanted something to eat--went into an eating-house,
called for a plate of beans, when the plate brought the waiter in his
hand. I took it, hung up my beef and beans on a nail, eat my hat, paid
the dollar a nigger, and sided out on the step-walk, bought a boy of a
glass of dog with a small beer and a neck on his tail, with a collar
with a spot on the end--felt funny, sick--got some soda-water in a
tin-cup, drank the cup and placed the soda on the counter, and paid for
the money full of pocket--very bad headache; rubbed it against the
lamp-post and then stumped along; station-house came along and said if I
did not go straight he'd take me to the watchman--tried to oblige the
station-house, very civil station-house, very--met a baby with an Irish
woman and a wheelbarrow in it; couldn't get out of the way; she wouldn't
walk on the sidewalk, but insisted on going on both sides of the street
at once; tried to walk between her; consequence collision, awful,
knocked out the wheelbarrow's nose, broke the Irish woman all to pieces,
baby loose, court-house handy, took me to the constable, jury sat on me,
and the jail said the magistrate must take me to the constable;
objected; the dungeon put me into the darkest constable in the city; got
out, and here I am, prepared to stick to my original opinion.
Niagara, non est excelsus (ego fui) humbug est! indignus admirationi!
V.
Seeking a Fortune--Rail Road Felicities.
Young men in the west, when they get too lazy to plough, drive oxen, and
dig potatoes, invariably either go to studying Law, Physic, or Divinity,
or emigrate to New York to make their fortunes. Hence the inundation of
two-and-sixpenny pettifoggers, the abundant crop of innocent-looking
juvenile M.D.'s, and the army of weak-eyed preachers, whose original
simplicity is too deeply rooted to be ever overgrown by the cares of
after life. The portion of our country known as "the West" sends forth
every year scores of these misguided innocents, who, had they stayed at
home, might have grown up into tolerable farmers, or even been
cultivated into respectable mechanics, but who, being once thrown into
the whirl of city life, degenerate into puny clerks with not half salary
enough to pay for their patent-leather boots.
It is a curious fact that two-thirds of the young men from the country,
their first year in the metropolis, do not receive as a remuneration for
their valuable services a sum sufficient to keep them in theatre
tickets.
If a committee of their employers should be detailed to investigate the
hidden pecuniary fountain whence these young men obtain the funds many
of them lavish so freely, the said committee would be considerably
astonished to find out how much more champagne and oysters the N. Y.
merchants pay for than the most knowing of them are aware of; and their
wives would be astounded to learn how many bracelets and diamond pins
had been presented to ladies of the theatre and ballet, and bought with
their husbands' money. And many a country mother would mourn to hear
that her darling had, in the first six months of his city life, learned
to practise more vices than she had ever heard of, and among his other
attainments, had acquired the elegant city accomplishment of spending
his employer's money as freely as if it was his own.
And in due course of time the writer of this paragraph, wearied of the
eternal sameness of a country village, the same unvarying prospect of
ox-teams, hay-scales, errant swine, and wandering disconsolate cows,
took the roving fever and resolved to visit Gotham, looking for a cure.
Packed up my traps in a red box, kissed all my friends who had clean
faces, and bade a long farewell to the aspiring village (which had long
since assumed the name of city, but had never grown large enough to fit
the appellation, and for this reason always reminded me of a boy with
his father's boots on,) where I had vegetated for several years; took a
last look at its town-pump, its grocery, and its court-house square
without any fence round it; feasted my eyes for the last time upon the
dusty charms of the seminary girls who are perpetually going to the
story-and-a-half post-office for letters which never come; rode to the
railroad for the last time in the four-wheeled smoke-house, which, from
early youth, had been impressed upon my ignorant simplicity as an
omnibus; and taking my seat in the cars, left without many tears the
town where I had treasured up such stores of classic knowledge under the
consistent inattention of teachers who had been paid to neglect my
education.
Paid the man with the brass door-plate on him, sixteen dollars and a
half for a dirty piece of pasteboard,--hung up my carpet-bag on a hook
which immediately broke down, and let the aforesaid bag drop on the
bonnet of a populous lady with a pair of twins, whom it completely
demolished for the time--settled myself in my seat for a comfortable
nap--was continually roused therefrom by the door-plate man, who seemed
to have a mania for inspecting the dirty pasteboard every fifteen
minutes--got my mouth full of dust and cinders, which I converted into a
mortar-bed in my stomach by drinking warm water from the spout of a
water-pot (brought round by the boy who expects you to buy his greasy
apples and ancient newspapers as a compensation for the temporary
dilution)--changed cars about twenty times, and had the satisfaction of
seeing my trunk pitched about by the vindictive baggagemen at every
step, as if they were under obligations to knock it to pieces in the
least possible space of time. (When it arrived at the end of my journey
the lock was broken, the hinges pulled off, and a large hole punched in
the end, so that I found my clean shirts full of gravel, and that a
piece of brick which had got in through the place where the lock had
been, had been rubbed against a daguerreotype of my lady-love, thereby
demolishing her left eye and scratching the top of her head off.) Rode
all night; every time I would get into an uncomfortable doze the train
would stop, more passengers come in, and I would have to vacate my seat
to accommodate some woman with three children and a multitude of bundles
(a woman in a railroad car always occupies four times as much room as
she pays for, generally turning over the back of the seat next to her,
and occupying one place for herself and the other three for her
provisions and bandboxes)--then finding another place, and getting into
an uneasy dream about earthquakes, wash-tubs, bass-drums, and
threshing-machines, and waking up with a sudden choke when some
unusually large cinder got into my mouth--coming to a sudden stop at
some side station and finding my anatomical constituents in a most
uncomfortable state of paralysis; my arms fast asleep and feeling like
frozen sausages; my other extremities ditto, and with no more feeling in
them than in a bass-wood log; having a dim consciousness that something
was wrong, and endeavoring to navigate by means of the benumbed members
before alluded to, and get out doors to see what the matter was, and in
the attempt falling over the stove and knocking my teeth out against the
coal-hod--being called at four o'clock in the morning to assist in the
dismal farce of breakfast, and sitting down (with my hat on and my hands
dirty in order to be in the fashion) at a long table where the crockery
looks as if it had not been washed in a month, and the only visible
viands are cold biscuits, hard-boiled eggs, and despairing mutton-chops
struggling inextricably in a tallowy ocean--where the half-awake waiters
bring you apple-pie in place of coffee, and pour the hot water down your
back, and spill the sugar in your hair--where, in the midst of your
second mouthful, you are called upon to suspend operations and pay half
a dollar to a man with uncombed hair who gives you wild-cat paper and
crossed quarters in exchange for your Yankee gold--and where, before the
third morsel reaches your expectant lips, the bell rings, the malicious
engine gives its vicious shriek, and you are hurried, swindled and
starving, into the cars again.
In this delectable manner for two days and nights I was hurried,
hustled, and tumbled towards my journey's end--reached my destination at
last, crossed the North River in one of those ferry-boats which run
either end first like a crab, and on my arrival was instantly attacked
by a crowd of runners, was forcibly thrust into a hack, the remains of
my trunk tossed at my feet, and in obedience to my panting request, I
was driven to that hotel, the cognomen whereof is simultaneously
suggestive of holy men and of the adversary.
VI.
Seeing the Lions--Barnum's Museum.
As soon as I had become comfortably established as a citizen of New
York, and had replaced the straw hat with a green ribbon, which
decorated my head at the time of my metropolitan advent, by a shining
beaver with white fur on the under side; had run in debt for a new suit
of clothes, and sold my trunk to buy a set of gold shirt-studs, I began
to assume that knowing air of superiority which ever distinguishes the
thorough-bred city man from his country cousins.
I made up my mind to devote the next six months of my valuable time, to
seeing the sights, and becoming acquainted with the celebrities of the
town. To this end I proposed to visit the various places of amusement,
to go on excursions, join volunteer companies, run to fires, in short,
to make myself ever present, wherever there was anything to be seen, to
which the verdant eyes of a backwoods Wolverine were unaccustomed.
I addressed myself a speech wherein I remarked, "Phil, you have now been
a resident of this city long enough to know something of the localities
thereto appertaining--know where the City Hall is--ditto Hospital. Also
where the Astor House is generally located--can tell the general
direction of Mercer and Bowery streets from the Crystal Palace--and can
at most times of day point out Trinity Church with a tolerable degree of
accuracy.
"But there are, nevertheless, sundry other points of interest, with
which you should become familiar, and divers other objects whose names
you should remember, that hereafter you may not mistake a Grand Street
stage for a perambulating Circus wagon; or again, point out the Wall
Street Ferry House to a friend and assure him it is the Hippodrome
building, but be able after this to give reliable and correct
information on these points to all who ask."
Accordingly, since that time, I have striven hard to acquire such a
knowledge of the city that I could find any of the theatres without a
Directory, and get home at any time of night without the escort of a
Policeman.
Have been to the Battery, for which I paid a shilling to the
dilapidated Hibernian who attends the iron portal--afterwards visited
(by particular desire,) the cocked-hat shaped Sahara known as the "City
Hall Square"--saw the splendid fountain with its symmetrical basin
filled with golden fishes (as I was credibly informed)--I could not
exactly perceive them myself--in the midst of its elegant miniature
forest (yet in its infancy)--gazed with admiration at the ancient
structure denominated the City Hall--said to have been built by the
ancient Greeks, of which I have not the slightest doubt, as all the
avenues leading thereto were thronged with _modern_ Greeks, whose
general costume was not so classically correct as I could have
wished--looked at the glorious fountain which adorns the centre of the
spacious lawn--admired the magnificent proportions of the vast forest
trees which rear their lofty forms therein--gazed long and earnestly at
the glittering jet (not quite so lofty as I had been led to suppose,) of
the magnificent fountain which embellishes the princely grounds--then
turned to look at a circular edifice, which, I confess, did not strike
me as being remarkable for architectural beauty, but which undoubtedly
is exceedingly useful--then turned to feast my wondering eyes upon the
diamond-glittering drops of a fountain near at hand; looked with much
approbation upon the wide and spacious avenues, and the clearly
gravelled walks, and also at a fountain near by, which I think I have
before mentioned; surveyed the other fine buildings near at hand, which
adorn and beautify that triangular piece of earth; and ever returned
with constantly increasing gratification to view a beautiful lake in the
centre thereof, from the midst of which burst forth in aqueous glory the
waters of a fountain; soon, convinced that I had seen my money's worth,
prepared to leave--casting one longing, lingering look behind (as my
friend L. E. G. Gray says,) at the glorious old classic ruin, the hall,
and the pluvial splendors of the fountain.
Went out, but looking back, perceived that in the splendid park I had
just left, there rose in "misty majesty" (vide somebody,) the jet of a
fountain. Resolved to return and have another look at the ivied and
crumbling ruins, and also to inspect minutely a fountain which I now
perceived hard by.
Wishing to be perfectly _posted_ up, I went to the _Post_ office (the
_Evening Post_ office), and obtained a paper containing the latest news
of the day, and also a list of entertainments for the evening. Desiring
to see the Museum, of which I had read, and also to behold Barnum, of
whom I had heard some mention, in connection, I think, with one Thomas
Thumb, and Joice Heth, an antiquated and venerable lady, colored (who
afterwards _died_), I determined instantly to visit that place of
delectation, "perfectly regardless of expense."
Arrived at the door, man demanded a quarter, but, like Byron's Dream, "I
had no further change," so was necessitated to get a bill broke; offered
him Washtenaw, but that was too effectually _broke_ to suit his purpose.
Got in somehow, after a lengthy delay, and some internal profanity.
Soon after my entrance, young man, attired in a dress-coat, a huge
standing collar, and a high hat, introduced himself as "A. Damphool,
Esq.," gentleman of leisure, and man about town. Having never before had
any experience of a class of individuals who compose, I am told, a large
proportion of the masculine population of the city, I eagerly embraced
the opportunity of making his acquaintance.
He also presented his friend "Mr. Bull Dogge," and we three then
proceeded to view the curiosities; we commenced with the double-barreled
nigger baby (which Bull Dogge says is an illegitimate devil),--went on
to the Rhinoceros (who is always provided with a horn, Barnum's
temperance talk to the contrary nevertheless)--the Happy Family--the
two-legged calf, (B. D. says it is not the only one in the city), a red
darkey--a green Yankee--a white Irishman (Damphool says that this latter
individual is an impossibility, and could only have originated with
Barnum)--wax-figure of a tall man in a blue coat, with a star on his
breast, (Damphool says it is a policeman, who was found when he was
wanted; but Bull Dogge says there was never any such person, and that
the whole story is a Gay fable,) found by the programme that it is
supposed to represent Louis Napoleon; never knew before that he had one
eye black, and one blue (Bull Dogge asserts that the usual custom is to
have one eye both black _and_ blue); wax model of the railroad man who
swindled the community (now living on his money, and president of the
Foreign Mission Society for the suppression of pilfering on the Foo-Foo
Islands); wax figure of the abandoned, dissolute, and totally depraved
woman, who filched half a loaf of bread to give her hungry children, and
who was very properly sent to Blackwell's Island for it--also of the
City Contractor who _did_ clean the streets--(Damphool states that he is
residing at Utica).
Saw a great multitude of monkeys, streaked face, white face, black
face, hairy face, bald face (Bull Dogge prefers the latter), with a
great assortment of tails, differing in length, and varying as to color,
long tails, short tails, stump tails, ring tails, wiry tails, curly
tails, tails interesting and insinuating, tails indignant and
uncompromising, big tails, little tails, bob tails, (Damphool suggests
Robert narratives), and no tails (Bull Dogge says that some effeminate
descendants of this latter class now promenade Broadway, and he swears
that they have greatly degenerated in intelligence); pictures, paddles,
pumpkins, carriages, corals, lava, boats, breeches, boa constrictors,
shells, oars, snakes, toads, butterflies, lizards, bears, reptiles,
reprobates, bugs, bulls, bells, bats, birds, petrifactions,
putrefactions, model railroads, model churns, model gridirons, model
artists, model babies, cockneys, cockades, cockroaches, cocktails,
scalps, Thomashawks, Noah's ark, Paganini's fiddle, Old Grimes's coat,
autocrats, autobiographies, autographs, chickens, cheeses, codfish,
Shanghais, mud-turtles, alligators, moose, mermaids, hay-scales, scale
armor, monsters, curiosities from Rotterdam, Amsterdam, Beaverdam, Chow
Sing, Tchinsing, Linsing, Lansing, Sing Sing, cubebs, cart wheels,
mummies, heroes, poets, idiots, maniacs, benefactors, malefactors,
pumps, porcupines and pill machines, all mingled, mixed, and
conglomerated, like a Connecticut chowder, or the Jew soup of the
Witches in Macbeth.
Upstairs at last, and into an adolescent theatre, christened a Lecture
Room, (Damphool says it is known as the Deacon's Theatre, and that all
his pious namesakes attend). Saw the play, laughed, cried, and felt good
all over. Much pleased with a bit of fun originating in a jealous
fireman, and terminating in a free fight.
Fireman Mose saw Rose, his sweetheart, with Joe, the hackman; got
jealous, pitched into him--fun--thought of Tom Hood, and went off at
half-cock--thus--
Enter Rose with Joe--sees Mose--Mose beaus Rose; Rose knows those beaux
foes--Joe's bellicose--so's Mose--Mose blows Joe's nose--Joe's blows
pose Mose--Rose Oh's--Mose hoes Joe's rows--Joe's blows chose Mose's
nose--Mose shows Joe's nose blows--Joe's nose grows rose--Mose knows
Joe's nose shows those blows--Joe goes--Mose crows.
Joe being whipped, and moreover being the only innocent one in the whole
fight, was arrested by the vigilant and efficient police.
Damphool says that Joe treated the Emerald conservators of the public
quiet, and is again at large.
Let Mose beware.
VII.
Model Boarding Houses.
Immediately upon my arrival in the city of Newsboys and Three-cent
Stages, I proceeded, as is hereinbefore mentioned, to the white-faced
Hotel which is surmounted by the bird called Shanghai, who seems from
the top of his lofty perch where he roosts in unreachable security, to
crow over neighboring boroughs, and exult in the great glory of the
Manhattan Island. It required, however, but a few days to weary of the
"constant noise and confusion" of this saintly mansion, and to become
sick of the eternal presence of men in white aprons who are everywhere
at the same time, and who are, mathematically speaking, a constant
quantity.
These waiters are certainly ubiquitous; at the table there is one at
each elbow, at night a stranger is escorted to bed by a grand
procession, and one pulls off his boots while another unbuttons his
shirt-collar, and a third lights the gas and turns down the bed-clothes;
a waiter meets you at the door, another takes away your overcoat and
gives it to a waiter who presents you with a brass check for it--there
are waiters in the bar, in the washroom, in the barber-shop, in the
cellar, in the reading-room; waiters running races through the halls all
night; there is always a snowy neckerchief and an outstretched palm when
you leave the premises, and on sunshiny days there is invariably a
distant glimpse of a white-jacket on the roof of the house.
As soon after my arrival as I could collect my senses, and knew enough
not to take every M. P. for a foreign ambassador, and pull off my hat to
the Star, I deemed it advisable to search for lodgings more quiet, and
not so expensive.
It took about a fortnight to restore my mind to its accustomed serenity,
and then having become, to a certain extent, a fixture in this high old
town, it became necessary to search out a fit habitation, wherein I
might eat, sleep, change my shirt (Damphool blushes), and attend to the
other comforts of the external _homo_, and the inner individual.
My friend Bull Dogge having deserted his late place of residence, (on
account of the perpetual reign of salt mackerel at the breakfast table),
we started together on a voyage of discovery. To describe all the
dilapidated gentlewomen, whose apartments we inspected--all the many
inducements which were used to persuade us to take up our quarters in
all sorts of musty smelling rooms, and to recount how many promises we
made to "call again," would take too much time.
Suffice it to say, that at six o'clock in the evening, wearied out and
desperate, we cast anchor in the domicile of an Irish lady with one eye.
She assured us that her boarders were all "rispictible, and found their
own tibaccy, and that there was divil a bug in the place."
We took adjoining rooms, and resignedly went down to tea.
I noticed that my cup had evidently sustained a compound comminuted
fracture, and been patched up with putty (which came off in my
tea)--that the bread was scant--the butter powerful--the tea, "on the
contrary, quite the reverse,"--however, although matters looked somewhat
discouraging--"hoping against hope"--we retired to our respective rooms.
Horror of horror!! O! most horrible!!! I was besieged--had I been
Sebastopol itself I could not have been attacked with more vigor, or by
more determined and bloodthirsty enemies.
For two hours I maintained a sanguinary combat with an odoriferous band
of determined cannibal insects--armed only with a fire-shovel, I
gallantly kept up the unequal conflict--but the treacherous implement
broke at the critical moment; I thought I should be compelled to
yield--despair filled all my senses--my heart failed me--my brain grew
dizzy with horror--hurried thoughts of enemies unpardoned--of duties
neglected--and of errors committed, rushed across my mind--a last
thought of cherished home and absent friends was in my heart, and with a
hasty prayer for mercy and forgiveness, was at the point of yielding,
when my frantic eye caught sight of my cast-iron boot-jack. With an
exclamation of pious gratitude to heaven, (Bull Dogge says it did not
sound so to him), I seized it, and with the desperate strength of a
dying man I renewed the battle, and eventually came off victorious and
triumphant. Weary with slaughter, I fell exhausted on the bed, and slept
till morning; Bull Dogge, who had been engaged in the same delightful
occupation, appeared at the breakfast table with one eye black, and his
face spotted like a he-tiger. We held a council of war, and resolved
instantly to quit the premises of the Emerald Islander, who had agreed
to "lodge and eat" us (the she-Cyclops), and who had so nearly fulfilled
the latter clause by proxy.
Another search and another home. Here for a week things went on
tolerably well; the steak was sometimes capable of mastication, the
coffee wasn't _always_ weak, nor the butter always strong; but one day
there appeared at breakfast a dish of beef, (Bull Dogge asserts that it
was the fossil remains of an omnibus horse)--it was not molested; at
dinner it made its appearance again, still it was not disturbed; at tea
fragments of it were visible, but it yet remained untouched; in the
morning a tempting looking stew made its appearance, but, alas! it was
only a weak invention of the enemy to conceal the ubiquitous beef; at
dinner a meat-pie enshrined a portion of the aforesaid beef; it went
away unharmed.
For a week, every day, at every meal, in every subtle form, in some
ingenious disguise, still was forced upon our notice this omnipresent
beef; it went through more changes than Harlequin in the Pantomime, and
like that nimble individual came always out uninjured.
At the end of the second day Bull Dogge grumbled to himself; the third
he spoke "out in meeting;" the fourth he growled audibly; the fifth he
had an hour's swear to himself in his own room; the sixth, seventh, and
eighth, he preserved a dignified silence; but his silence was ominous,
on the ninth day we both left.
Our next landlady had a gigantic mouth, but her nose was a magnificent
failure. We stayed with her a week, and left because she seemed to be
possessed of the idea that one sausage was enough for two men. For a
month longer we ran the gauntlet of all the model boarding-houses. We
were entrapped by all kinds of alluring promises, and perpetually
swindled without any regard to decency; we had a taste of Yankee,
French, Dutch, and, I have mentioned it before, (ye gods!), _Irish_; and
we lived four days in an establishment presided over by a red-eyed
darkey, with a wife the color of a new saddle.
At last one day in an agony of despair I exclaimed, "Where, O where can
humbugged humanity find a decent place to feed?" Echo answered, "In the
eating-houses." We resolved to try it, and the result is glorious. We
have achieved a victory, sir, an heroic, unexpected victory.