_Orgust--, 18-Seventy._
FRIEND LEWIS: As I haint got no anser to my last letter which I rote to
your royal magesty a few weeks ago, it has occurred to me, that maybe
you don't feel well about these days, or, just as like as not our
"Cousin German," FRITZ, mite have been mean enuff as to gobble up your
male bag, and steel my letter to put into his outograf album. I now take
my pen in hand to inform you, that Ime as sound as a Saddle Rock oyster,
and hope these few lines may find you enjoyin' the same blessin.
Numerous changes have taken place since your _grand invasion_ of German
sile.
It has certinly been very kind in your Dutch friends to save you a long
jerney to fite them.
Insted of puttin' you to the trouble of goin' away from home for a
little excitement, you can set rite in the heart of your own country,
and enjoy the fun.
A man by the name of NERO, was once said to do some tall fiddlin' when
Rome was burnin'.
While the patriotic fires of your people is clusterin' around you (?) my
advice is, to cote the words of Unkle EDWARD:
"Hang up your fiddle and your bow,
Lay down your shovel and the hoe.
Where the woodbine twineth
There's a place for Unkle LEW,
With UGEENY and little LEWIS for to go."
The foregoin' is rather more sarcastikle than troothful.
It laserates my venerable heart-strings, most noble Pea-cracker, to see
how you've been lickt.
You have probly found out by this time, that the mantle of your grate
unkle has passed into the hands of some other family.
The grate BONYPART was called the Gray Eyed man of Destiny, altho' I
don't know what country that is in, as the village of Destiny haint on
any of the war maps.
I should judge, however, onless there is a change in the program, that
when this "cruel war is over," you will wear the belt as the champion
Black-eyed man of Urope.
Your so-called ascendant Star, is probly the identikle loominary which;
Perfesser DAN BRYANT refers so beautifully to, in his pome of "Shoo-fly."
It shone rather scrumpshus, in the dark, but the rays of the Sun has
nockt its twinkle hire'n GILDEROY'S kite.
Yes, Squire BONYPART, your star is the only planet whose eclips has been
visible to the naked eye, all over the world, and can be seen without
usin' smoked glass.
I think, in the beginnin' of the war, when you left UGEENY for Nancy,
that, like your Unkle, you made a bad go.
When the old man stuck to JOESFEEN he was a success.
Empires--Kingdoms--Pottentates and Hottentots, took the first train and
skedaddled, when the General sot his affeckshuns on their territory.
The BOURBONS fled and come over here and settled in Kentucky, and
commenced makin' whiskey, payin' a tax of $2.00 per gallon, and sellin'
the seductive flooid for $1.50 per gallon, gettin' rich at that, which
may surprise you, altho' it doesen't our Eternal Revenoo Offisers, who,
as Mr. ANTONY remarked of H. BEECHER STOW when she stabbed Lord Byron,
"are all _honorable_ men."
Finally BONYPART went back on JOSEFEEN, which made Mrs. B. scatter a few
buckets of tear drops.
Said your Unkle:
"What's the use of blubberin' about it? Cheer up and be a man. I belong,
body, sole and butes, to France, who says my name must be perpetuated.
You, JOSEFEEN, must pick up your duds and look for another
bordin'-house, for you can't run the Tooleries any longer."
He then sent to Chicago and got a ten dollar devorce, and married MARIAR
LOUISER, arter which he become a played-out institootion, employin' his
time walkin' _in solo_ with his hands behind him, gazin' intently on the
toes of his butes, and wonderin' if they was the same ones which had
histed so many roolers off of their thrones.
In view of the past, you should have stuck to UGEENY, who, I understand,
is good lookin' and sports a pretty nobby harness.
The charms of Nancy may make your Imperial mouth water, but let an old
statesman, who has served his country for 4 years as Gustise of the
Peece, say to you, "Don't be a fool if you know anything."
Another reason of your unsuccess is that Lager is a hard chap to fite
agin. I tried it once.
A Dutch millingtery company visited Skeensboro a few years since, for a
target shoot, bringin' a car lode of lager-beer and a box of sardeens
for refreshments.
I, bein' at that time Gustise, was on hand to help perserve the peece.
Lager, they told me, wasen't intoxicatin. I histed in a few mugs. I
woulden't just say that I got soggy, but I felt like a hul regiment of
Dutch soljers on general trainin' day.
It suddenly occurred to me that Mrs. GREEN had been puttin' on rather
too many airs lately, and I would go in and quietly remind her that I
was boss of the ranch.
Pickin' up a hoss-whip, I "shouldered arms," and entered the kitchen as
bold as the brave FISK of the bully 9th.
"MARIAR," said I, addressin' Mrs. GREEN, and tippin' over her pan of
dish-water so she coulden't wet my close, "yer 'aven't (hic!) tode the
mark as 'er troo (hic!) wife orter. I can't (hic!) 'ave any more of yer
(hic!) darn foolin'. Will yer (hic!) 'bey yer 'usband like a (hic!) man,
in the futer?"
I raised the hoss-whip to give her a good blow. She caught it on a fly
with both hands, as I lade down on the floor to convince my wife I was
in earnest in what I said.
Well, LEWIS, I remember feelin' as if I was put into a large bag with a
lot of saw logs, and was bein' viteally shoot up. I could also
distinguish my wife, flyin' about as if she had taken a contract for
thrashin' a lot of otes, and haden't but a few minnits to do it in, and
somehow I got it into my head that I was the otes.
I went to sleep in a cloud of hosswhips--hair and panterloon buttons
rapt up in a dilapidated soot of close.
When I awoke, I looked as if that Dutch millingtery Company had been
usin' me for a target, substitootin' my nose for the bull's eye.
I imejutly come to the conclusion, that to successfully buck agin
Lager-beer, was full as onhealthy as tryin' to get a seat in H. WARD
BEECHER'S church on Sunday mornin's, afore all the Pew-holders had got
in.
When you want an asilum to flee to, come to Skeensboro.
Altho' you have got the ship of State stuck in the mud, I think I can
get you a canal bote to run, where you can earn your $115.00 a month,
provided your wife will do the cookin' for the crew.
This is better than bein' throde onto the cold, cold charities of the
world, especially where a man has got the gout, for anything cold in apt
to bring on the pain and make him pe-uuk.
Hopin' that in the futer, as you grow older, you may lern wisdom by
cultivatin' my acquaintance--and with kind regards to UGEEN and bub
BONYPART, in your native tung I will say:
_Barn-sure, noblesse Pea-cracker._
Ewer'n, one and onseperable,
HIRAM GREEN, Esq.,
_Lait Gustise of the Peece._
* * * * *
Bunsby's War Paint.
Napoleon's chances are not great
If German facts are true;
But if he finds not Paris Green
Hell make the Prussian Blue.
* * * * *
Remark by a Bandsman.
Once upon a time the French Horn was a famous instrument, but now,
considering the retreating strategy of the French leaders, it appears to
be superseded by the Off I Glide.
* * * * *
The Music of the Future.
Considering the enormous difficulties which stand in the way of the
performance of Herr WAGNER'S music, it is the music of the Few Sure
enough.
* * * * *
A Relic of the Past.
The following item is taken from a daily paper:
"The septuagenarian Dejazet sang the 'Marseillaise' at the Passy theatre
lately."
There seems to be a mistake, here. Surely the word Passy is meant for
_passée_.
* * * * *
[Illustration: PRECOCIOUS.
LITTLE FEMALE AMERICA, TOO, ASSERTS HER RIGHTS AND ESPECIALLY THE RIGHT
TO THE EXCLUSIVE USE OF THE SIDE-WALK FOR A ROPE-WALK."]
* * * * *