THE YOUNG NURSE
The local hospital of the village of Harmonville, which was ten miles
from Harmon proper, where the famous boarding-school for young ladies
was located, presented an aspect so far from institutional that but
for the sign board tacked modestly to an elm tree just beyond the
break in the hedge that constituted the main entrance, the gracious,
old colonial structure might have been taken for the private residence
for which it had served so many years.
It was a crisp day in late September, and a pale yellow sun was spread
thin over the carpet of yellow leaves with which the wide lawn was
covered. In the upper corridor of the west wing, grouped about the
window-seat with their embroidery or knitting, the young nurses were
talking together in low tones during the hour of the patients'
siestas. The two graduates, dark-eyed efficient girls, with skilled
delicate fingers taking precise stitches in the needlework before
them, were in full uniform, but the younger girls clustered about
them, beginners for the most part, but a few months in training, were
dressed in the simple blue print, and little white caps and aprons, of
the probationary period.
The atmosphere was very quiet and peaceful. A light breeze blew in at
the window and stirred a straying lock or two that escaped the
starched band of a confining cap. Outside the stinging whistle of the
insect world was interrupted now and then by the cough of a passing
motor. From the doors opening on the corridor an occasional restless
moan indicated the inability of some sufferer to take his dose of
oblivion according to schedule. Presently a bell tinkled a summons to
the patient in the first room on the right--a gentle little old lady
who had just had her appendix removed.
"Will you take that, Miss Hamlin?" the nurse in charge of the case
asked the tallest and fairest of the young assistants.
"Certainly." Eleanor, demure in cap and kerchief as the most ravishing
of young Priscillas, rose obediently at the request. "May I read to
her a little if she wants me to?"
"Yes, if you keep the door closed. I think most of the others are
sleeping."
The little old lady who had just had her appendix out, smiled weakly
up at Eleanor.
"I hoped 'twould be you," she said, "and then after I'd rung I lay in
fear and trembling lest one o' them young flipperti-gibbets should
come, and get me all worked up while she was trying to shift me. I
want to be turned the least little mite on my left side."
"That's better, isn't it?" Eleanor asked, as she made the adjustment.
"I dunno whether that's better, or whether it just seems better to me,
because 'twas you that fixed me," the little old lady said. "You
certainly have got a soothin' and comfortin' way with you."
"I used to take care of my grandmother years ago, and the more
hospital work I do, the more it comes back to me,--and the better I
remember the things that she liked to have done for her."
"There's nobody like your own kith and kin," the little old lady
sighed. "There's none left of mine. That other nurse--that black
haired one--she said you was an orphan, alone in the world. Well, I
pity a young girl alone in the world."
"It's all right to be alone in the world--if you just keep busy
enough," Eleanor said. "But you mustn't talk any more. I'm going to
give you your medicine and then sit here and read to you."
* * * * *
On the morning of her flight from the inn, after a night spent staring
motionless into the darkness, Eleanor took the train to the town some
dozen miles beyond Harmonville, where her old friend Bertha Stephens
lived. To "Stevie," to whom the duplicity of Maggie Lou had served to
draw her very close in the ensuing year, she told a part of her story.
It was through the influence of Mrs. Stephens, whose husband was on
the board of directors of the Harmonville hospital, that Eleanor had
been admitted there. She had resolutely put all her old life behind
her. The plan to take up a course in stenography and enter an
editorial office was to have been, as a matter of course, a part of
her life closely associated with Peter. Losing him, there was nothing
left of her dream of high adventure and conquest. There was merely the
hurt desire to hide herself where she need never trouble him again,
and where she could be independent and useful. Having no idea of her
own value to her guardians, or the integral tenderness in which she
was held, she sincerely believed that her disappearance must have
relieved them of much chagrin and embarrassment.
Her hospital training kept her mercifully busy. She had the
temperament that finds a virtue in the day's work, and a balm in its
mere iterative quality. Her sympathy and intelligence made her a good
nurse and her adaptability, combined with her loveliness, a general
favorite.
She spent her days off at the Stephens' home. Bertha Stephens had been
the one girl that Peter had failed to write to, when he began to
circulate his letters of inquiry. Her name had been set down in the
little red book, but he remembered the trouble that Maggie Lou had
precipitated, and arrived at the conclusion that the intimacy existing
between Eleanor and Bertha had not survived it. Except that Carlo
Stephens persisted in trying to make love to her, and Mrs. Stephens
covertly encouraged his doing so, Eleanor found the Stephens' home a
very comforting haven. Bertha had developed into a full breasted,
motherly looking girl, passionately interested in all vicarious
love-affairs, though quickly intimidated at the thought of having any
of her own. She was devoted to Eleanor, and mothered her clumsily.
It was still to her diary that Eleanor turned for the relief and
solace of self-expression.
* * * * *
"It is five months to-day," she wrote, "since I came to the hospital.
It seems like five years. I like it, but I feel like the little old
woman on the King's Highway. I doubt more every minute if this can be
I. Sometimes I wonder what 'being I' consists of, anyway. I used to
feel as if I were divided up into six parts as separate as
protoplasmic cells, and that each one was looked out for by a
different cooperative parent. I thought that I would truly be I when I
got them all together, and looked out for them myself, but I find I am
no more of an entity than I ever was. The puzzling question of 'what
am I?' still persists, and I am farther away from the right answer
than ever. Would a sound be a sound if there were no one to hear it?
If the waves of vibration struck no human ear, would the sound be in
existence at all? This is the problem propounded by one of the nurses
yesterday.
"How much of us lives when we are entirely shut out of the
consciousness of those whom we love? If there is no one to _realize_
us day by day,--if all that love has made of us is taken away, what is
left? Is there anything? I don't know. I look in the glass, and see
the same face,--Eleanor Hamlin, almost nineteen, with the same bow
shaped eyebrows, and the same double ridge leading up from her nose to
her mouth, making her look still very babyish. I pinch myself, and
find that it hurts just the same as it used to six months ago, but
there the resemblance to what I used to be, stops. I'm a young nurse
now in hospital training, and very good at it, too, if I do say it as
shouldn't; but that's all I am. Otherwise, I'm not anybody _to_
anybody,--except a figure of romance to good old Stevie, who doesn't
count in this kind of reckoning. I take naturally to nursing they tell
me. A nurse is a kind of maternal automaton. I'm glad I'm that, but
there used to be a lot more of me than that. There ought to be some
heart and brain and soul left over, but there doesn't seem to be.
Perhaps I am like the Princess in the fairy story whose heart was an
auk's egg. Nobody had power to make her feel unless they reached it
and squeezed it.
"I feel sometimes as if I were dead. I wish I could know whether Uncle
Peter and Aunt Beulah were married yet. I wish I could know that.
There is a woman in this hospital whose suitor married some one else,
and she has nervous prostration, and melancholia. All she does all day
is to moan and wring her hands and call out his name. The nurses are
not very sympathetic. They seem to think that it is disgraceful to
love a man so much that your whole life stops as soon as he goes out
of it. What of Juliet and Ophelia and Francesca de Rimini? They loved
so they could not tear their love out of their hearts without
lacerating them forever. There is that kind of love in the
world,--bigger than life itself. All the big tragedies of literature
were made from it,--why haven't people more sympathy for it? Why isn't
there more dignity about it in the eyes of the world?
"It is very unlucky to love, and to lose that which you cherish, but
it is unluckier still never to know the meaning of love, or to find
'Him whom your soul loveth.' I try to be kind to that poor forsaken
woman. I am sorry for his sake that she calls out his name, but she
seems to be in such torture of mind and body that she is unable to
help it.
"They are trying to cut down expenses here, so they have no regular
cook, the housekeeper and her helper are supposed to do it all. I said
I would make the desserts, so now I have got to go down-stairs and
make some fruit gelatin. It is best that I should not write any more
to-day, anyway."
* * * * *
Later, after the Thanksgiving holiday, she wrote:
* * * * *
"I saw a little boy butchered to-day, and I shall never forget it. It
is wicked to speak of Doctor Blake's clean cut work as butchery, but
when you actually see a child's leg severed from its body, what else
can you call it?
"The reason that I am able to go through operations without fainting
or crying is just this: _other people do_. The first time I stood by
the operating table to pass the sterilized instruments to the
assisting nurse, and saw the half naked doctors hung in rubber
standing there preparing to carve their way through the naked flesh of
the unconscious creature before them, I felt the kind of pang pass
through my heart that seems to kill as it comes. I thought I died, or
was dying,--and then I looked up and saw that every one else was ready
for their work. So I drew a deep breath and became ready too. I don't
think there is anything in the world too hard to do if you look at it
that way.
"The little boy loved me and I loved him. We had hoped against hope
that we would be able to save his poor little leg, but it had to go. I
held his hand while they gave him the chloroform. At his head sat
Doctor Hathaway with his Christlike face, draped in the robe of the
anesthetist. 'Take long breaths, Benny,' I said, and he breathed in
bravely. It was over quickly. To-morrow, when he is really out of the
ether, I have got to tell him what was done to him. Something happened
to me while that operation was going on. He hasn't any mother. I think
the spirit of the one who was his mother passed into me, and I knew
what it would be like to be the mother of a son. Benny was not without
what his mother would have felt for him if she had been at his side.
I can't explain it, but that is what I felt.
"To-night it is as black as ink outside. There are no stars. I feel as
if there should be no stars. If there were, there might be some
strange little bit of comfort in them that I could cling to. I do not
want any comfort from outside to shine upon me to-night. I have got to
draw all my strength from a source within, and I feel it welling up
within me even now.
"I wonder if I have been selfish to leave the people I love so long
without any word of me. I think Aunt Gertrude and Aunt Beulah and Aunt
Margaret all had a mother feeling for me. I am remembering to-night
how anxious they used to be for me to have warm clothing, and to keep
my feet dry, and not to work too hard at school. All those things that
I took as a matter of course, I realize now were very significant and
beautiful. If I had a child and did not know to-night where it would
lie down to sleep, or on what pillow it would put its head, I know my
own rest would be troubled. I wonder if I have caused any one of my
dear mothers to feel like that. If I have, it has been very wicked and
cruel of me."