Time passed slowly, slowly. Bertha wrapped her pride about her like a
cloak, but sometimes it seemed too heavy to bear and she nearly fainted.
The restraint which she imposed upon herself was often intolerable;
anger and hatred seethed within her, but she forced herself to preserve
the smiling face which people had always seen. She suffered intensely
from her loneliness of spirit, she had not a soul to whom she could tell
her unhappiness. It is terrible to have no means of expressing oneself,
to keep imprisoned always the anguish that gnaws at one’s heart-strings.
It is well enough for the writer, he can find solace in his words, he
can tell his secret and yet not betray it: but the woman has only
silence.
Bertha loathed Edward now with such angry, physical repulsion that she
could not bear his touch; and every one she knew, was his admiring
friend. How could she tell Fanny Glover that Edward was a fool who bored
her to death, when Fanny Glover thought him the best and most virtuous
of mankind? She was annoyed that in the universal estimation Edward
should have eclipsed her so entirely: once his only importance lay in
the fact that he was her husband, but now the positions were reversed.
She found it very irksome thus to shine with reflected light, and at the
same time despised herself for the petty jealousy. She could not help
remembering that Court Leys was hers, and that if she chose she could
send Edward away like a hired servant.
At last she felt it impossible longer to endure his company; he made her
stupid and vulgar; she was ill and weak, and she utterly despaired. She
made up her mind to go away again, this time for ever.
“If I stay, I shall kill myself.”
For two days Edward had been utterly miserable; a favourite dog had
died, and he was brought to the verge of tears. Bertha watched him
contemptuously.
“You are more affected over the death of a wretched poodle than you have
ever been over a pain of mine.”
“Oh, don’t rag me now, there’s a good girl. I can’t bear it.”
“Fool!” muttered Bertha, under her breath.
He went about with hanging head and melancholy face, telling every one
the particulars of the beast’s demise, in a voice quivering with
emotion.
“Poor fellow!” said Miss Glover. “He has such a good heart.”
Bertha could hardly repress the bitter invective that rose to her lips.
If people knew the coldness with which he had met her love, the
indifference he had shown to her tears and to her despair! She despised
herself when she remembered the utter self-abasement of the past.
“He made me drink the cup of humiliation to the very dregs.”
From the height of her disdain she summed him up for the thousandth
time. It was inexplicable that she had been subject to a man so paltry
in mind, so despicable in character. It made her blush with shame to
think how servile had been her love.
Dr. Ramsay, who was visiting Bertha for some trivial ill, happened to
come in when she was engaged with such thoughts.
“Well,” he said, as soon as he had taken breath. “And how is Edward
to-day?”
“Good heavens, how should I know?” she cried, beside herself, the words
slipping out unawares after the long constraint.
“Hulloa, what’s this? Have the turtle-doves had a tiff at last?”
“Oh, I’m sick of continually hearing Edward’s praises. I’m sick of being
treated as an appendage to him.”
“What’s the matter with you, Bertha?” said the doctor, bursting into a
shout of laughter. “I always thought nothing pleased you more than to
hear how much we all liked your husband.”
“Oh, my good doctor, you must be blind or an utter fool. I thought every
one knew by now that I loathe my husband.”
“What?” shouted Dr. Ramsay; then thinking Bertha was unwell: “Come,
come, I see you want a little medicine, my dear. You’re out of sorts,
and like all women you think the world is consequently coming to an
end.”
Bertha sprang from the sofa. “D’you think I should speak like this if I
hadn’t good cause? Don’t you think I’d conceal my humiliation if I
could? Oh, I’ve hidden it long enough; now I must speak. Oh God, I can
hardly help screaming with pain when I think of all I’ve suffered and
hidden. I’ve never said a word to any one but you, and now I can’t help
it. I tell you I loathe and abhor my husband and I utterly despise him.
I can’t live with him any more, and I want to go away.”
Dr. Ramsay opened his mouth and fell back in his chair; he looked at
Bertha as if he expected her to have a fit. “You’re not serious?”
Bertha stamped her foot impatiently. “Of course I’m serious. Do you
think I’m a fool too? We’ve been miserable for years, and it can’t go
on. If you knew what I’ve had to suffer when every one has congratulated
me, and said how pleased they were to see me so happy. Sometimes I’ve
had to dig my nails in my hands to prevent myself from crying out the
truth.”
Bertha walked up and down the room, letting herself go at last. The
tears were streaming down her cheeks, but she took no notice of them.
She was giving full vent to her passionate hatred.
“Oh, I’ve tried to love him. You know how I loved him once--how I adored
him. I would have laid down my life for him with pleasure. I would have
done anything he asked me; I used to search for the smallest indication
of his wishes so that I might carry them out. It overjoyed me to think
that I was his abject slave. But he’s destroyed every vestige of my
love, and now I only despise him, I utterly despise him. Oh, I’ve tried
to love him, but he’s too great a fool.”
The last words Bertha said with such force that Dr. Ramsay was startled.
“My dear Bertha!”
“Oh, I know you all think him wonderful. I’ve had his praises thrown at
me for years. But you don’t know what a man really is till you’ve lived
with him, till you’ve seen him in every mood and in every circumstance.
I know him through and through, and he’s a fool. You can’t conceive how
stupid, how utterly brainless he is.... He bores me to death!”
“Come now, you don’t mean what you say. You’re exaggerating as usual.
You must expect to have little quarrels now and then; upon my word, I
think it took me twenty years to get used to my wife.”
“Oh, for God’s sake, don’t be sententious,” Bertha interrupted,
fiercely. “I’ve had enough moralising in these five years. I might have
loved Edward better if he hadn’t been so moral. He’s thrown his virtues
in my face till I’m sick of them. He’s made every goodness ugly to me,
till I sigh for vice just for a change. Oh, you can’t imagine how
frightfully dull is a really good man. Now I want to be free, I tell you
I can’t stand it any more.”
Bertha again walked up and down the room excitedly.
“Upon my word,” cried Dr. Ramsay, “I can’t make head or tail of it.”
“I didn’t expect you would. I knew you’d only moralise.”
“What d’you want me to do? Shall I speak to him?”
“No! No! I’ve spoken to him endlessly. It’s no good. D’you suppose your
speaking to him will make him love me? He’s incapable of it; all he can
give me is esteem and affection--good God, what do I want with esteem!
It requires a certain intelligence to love, and he hasn’t got it. I tell
you he’s a fool. Oh, when I think that I’m shackled to him for the rest
of my life, I feel I could kill myself.”
“Come now, he’s not such a fool as all that. Every one agrees that he’s
a very smart man of business. And I can’t help saying that I’ve always
thought you did uncommonly well when you insisted on marrying him.”
“It was all your fault,” cried Bertha. “If you hadn’t opposed me, I
might not have married so quickly. Oh, you don’t know how I’ve regretted
it.... I wish I could see him dead at my feet.”
Dr. Ramsay whistled. His mind worked somewhat slowly, and he was
becoming confused with the overthrow of his cherished opinions, and the
vehemence with which the unpleasant operation was conducted.
“I didn’t know things were like this.”
“Of course you didn’t!” said Bertha, scornfully. “Because I smiled and
hid my sorrow, you thought I was happy. When I look back on the
wretchedness I’ve gone through, I wonder that I can ever have borne it.”
“I can’t believe that this is very serious. You’ll be of a different
mind to-morrow, and wonder that such things ever entered your head. You
mustn’t mind an old chap like me telling you that you’re very headstrong
and impulsive. After all, Edward is a fine fellow, and I can’t believe
that he would willingly hurt your feelings.”
“Oh, for heaven’s sake don’t give me more of Edward’s praises.”
“I wonder if you’re a little jealous of the way he’s got on?” asked the
doctor, looking at her sharply.
Bertha blushed, for she had asked herself the same question, and much
scorn was needed to refute it.
“I? My dear doctor, you forget! Oh, don’t you understand that it isn’t a
passing whim? It’s dreadfully serious to me--I’ve borne the misery till
I can bear it no longer. You must help me to get away. If you have any
of your old affection for me, do what you can. I want to go away; but I
don’t want to have any more rows with Edward; I just want to leave him
quietly. It’s no good trying to make him understand that we’re
incompatible. He thinks that it’s enough for my happiness just to be his
wife. He’s of iron, and I am pitifully weak.... I used to think myself
so strong!”
“Am I to take it that you’re absolutely serious? Do you want to take the
extreme step of separating from your husband?”
“It’s an extreme step that I’ve taken before. Last time I went with a
flourish of trumpets, but now I want to go without any fuss at all. I
still loved Edward then, but I have even ceased to hate him. Oh, I knew
I was a fool to come back, but I couldn’t help it. He asked me to
return, and I did.”
“Well, I don’t know what I can do for you. I can’t help thinking that if
you wait a little things will get better.”
“I can’t wait any longer. I’ve waited too long. I’m losing my whole
life.”
“Why don’t you go away for a few months, and then you can see? Miss Ley
is going to Italy for the winter as usual, isn’t she? Upon my word, I
think it would do you good to go too.”
“I don’t mind what I do so long as I can get away. I’m suffering too
much.”
“Have you thought that Edward will miss you?” asked Dr. Ramsay, gravely.
“No, he won’t. Good heavens, don’t you think I know him by now? I know
him through and through. And he’s callous, and selfish, and stupid. And
he’s making me like himself.... Oh, Dr. Ramsay, please help me.”
“Does Miss Ley know?” asked the doctor, remembering what she had told
him on her visit to Court Leys.
“No, I’m sure she doesn’t. She thinks we adore one another. And I don’t
want her to know. I’m such a coward now. Years ago I never cared a straw
for what any one in the world thought of me; but my spirit is utterly
broken. Oh, get me away from here, Dr. Ramsay, get me away.”
She burst into tears, weeping as she had been long unaccustomed to do;
she was utterly exhausted after the outburst of all that for years she
had kept hid.
“I’m still so young, and I almost feel an old woman. Sometimes I should
like to lie down and die, and have done with it all.”
* * * * *
A month later Bertha was in Rome. But at first she was hardly able to
realise the change in her condition. Her life at Court Leys had
impressed itself upon her with such ghastly distinctness that she could
not imagine its cessation. She was like a prisoner so long immured that
freedom dazes him, and he looks for his chains, and cannot understand
that he is free.
The relief was so great that Bertha could not believe it true, and she
lived in fear that her vision would be disturbed, and that she would
find herself again within the prison walls of Court Leys. It was a dream
that she wandered in sunlit places, where the air was scented with
violets and with roses. The people were unreal, the models lounging on
the steps of the Piazza di Spagna, the ragged urchins, quaintly costumed
and importunate, the silver speech that caressed the air. How could she
believe that life was true when it gave blue sky and sunshine, so that
the heart thrilled with joy; when it gave rest, and peace, and the most
delightful idleness? Real life was gloomy and strenuous; its setting a
Georgian mansion, surrounded by desolate, wind-swept fields. In real
life every one was very virtuous and very dull; the ten commandments
hedged one round with the menace of hell-fire and eternal damnation, a
dungeon more terrible because it had not walls, nor bars and bolts.
But beyond these gloomy stones with their harsh _Thou shalt not_ is a
land of fragrance and of light, where the sunbeams send the blood
running gaily through the veins; where the flowers give their perfume
freely to the air, in token that riches must be spent and virtue must be
squandered; where the amorets flutter here and there on the spring
breezes, unknowing whither they go, uncaring. It is a land of olive
trees and of pleasant shade, and the sea kisses the shore gently to show
the youths how they must kiss the maidens. There dark eyes flash
lambently, telling the traveller he need not fear, since love may be
had for the asking. Blood is warm, and hands linger with grateful
pressure in hands, and red lips ask for the kisses that are so sweet to
give. There the flesh and the spirit walk side by side, and each is well
satisfied with the other. Ah, give me the sunshine of this blissful
country, and a garden of roses, and the murmur of a pleasant brook; give
me a shady bank, and wine, and books, and the coral lips of Amaryllis,
and I will live in complete felicity--for at least ten days.
To Bertha the life in Rome seemed like a play. Miss Leys left her much
freedom, and she wandered alone in strange places. She went often to the
market and spent the morning among the booths, looking at a thousand
things she did not want to buy; she fingered rich silks and antique bits
of silver, smiling at the compliments of a friendly dealer. The people
bustled around her, talking volubly, intensely alive, and yet, in her
inability to understand that what she saw was true, they seemed but
puppets. She went to the galleries, to the Sistine Chapel or to the
Stanze of Raphael; and, lacking the hurry of the tourist and his sense
of duty, she would spend a whole morning in front of one picture, or in
a corner of some old church, weaving with the sight before her the
fantasies of her imagination.
And when she felt the need of her fellow-men, Bertha went to the Pincio
and mingled with the throng that listened to the band. But the
Franciscan monk in his brown cowl, standing apart, was a figure of some
romantic play; and the soldiers in gay uniforms, the Bersaglieri with
the bold cock’s feathers in their hats, were the chorus of a comic
opera. And there were black-robed priests, some old and fat, taking the
sun and smoking cigarettes, at peace with themselves and with the world;
others young and restless, the flesh unsubdued shining out of their dark
eyes. And every one seemed as happy as the children who romped and
scampered with merry cries.
But gradually the shadows of the past fell away and Bertha was able more
consciously to appreciate the beauty and the life that surrounded her.
And knowing it transitory she set herself to enjoy it as best she
could. Care and youth are with difficulty yoked together, and merciful
time wraps in oblivion the most gruesome misery. Bertha stretched out
her arms to embrace the wonders of the living world, and she put away
the dreadful thought that it must end so quickly. In the spring she
spent long hours in the gardens that surround the city, where the
remains of ancient Rome mingled exotically with the half tropical
luxuriance, and called forth new and subtle emotions. The flowers grew
in the sarcophagi with a wild exuberance, wantoning, it seemed, in
mockery of the tomb from which they sprang. Death is hideous, but life
is always triumphant; the rose and the hyacinth arise from man’s decay;
and the dissolution of man is but the signal of other birth: and the
world goes on, beautiful and ever new, revelling in its vigour.
Bertha went to the Villa Medici and sat where she could watch the light
glowing on the mellow façade of the old palace, and Syrinx peeping
between the reeds: the students saw her and asked who was the beautiful
woman who sat so long and so unconscious of the eyes that looked at her.
She went to the Villa Doria-Pamphili, majestic and pompous, the fitting
summer-house of princes in gorgeous clothes, of bishops and of
cardinals. And the ruins of the Palatine with its cypress trees sent her
thought back and back, and she pictured to herself the glory of bygone
power.
But the wildest garden of all, the garden of the Mattei, pleased her
best. Here were a greater fertility and a greater abandonment; the
distance and the difficulty of access kept strangers away, and Bertha
could wander through it as if it were her own. She thought she had never
enjoyed such exquisite moments as were given her by its solitude and its
silence. Sometimes a troop of scarlet seminarists sauntered along the
grass-grown avenues, vivid colour against the verdure.
Then she went home, tired and happy, and sat at her open window and
watched the dying sun. The sun set over St. Peter’s, and the mighty
cathedral was transfigured into a temple of fire and gold; the dome was
radiant, formed no longer of solid stones, but of light and
sunshine--it was the crown of a palace of Hyperion. Then, as the sun
fell to the horizon, St. Peter’s stood out in darkness, stood out in
majestic profile against the splendour of heaven.