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FRUITS OF CULTURE
A COMEDY IN FOUR ACTS
(1889)
CHARACTERS
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH ZVEZDÍNTSEF. A retired Lieutenant of the Horse Guards.
Owner of more than 60,000 acres of land in various provinces. A
fresh-looking, bland, agreeable gentleman of 60. Believes in
Spiritualism, and likes to astonish people with his wonderful stories.
ANNA PÁVLOVNA ZVEZDÍNTSEVA. Wife of Leoníd. Stout; pretends to be young;
quite taken up with the conventionalities of life; despises her husband,
and blindly believes in her doctor. Very irritable.
BETSY. Their daughter. A young woman of 20, fast, tries to be mannish,
wears a pince-nez, flirts and giggles. Speaks very quickly and
distinctly.
VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH ZVEZDÍNTSEF. Their son, aged 25; has studied law, but
has no definite occupation. Member of the Cycling Club, Jockey Club, and
of the Society for Promoting the Breeding of Hounds. Enjoys perfect
health, and has imperturbable self-assurance. Speaks loud and abruptly.
Is either perfectly serious--almost morose, or is noisily gay and laughs
loud. Is nicknamed Vovo.
ALEXÉY VLADÍMIRITCH KROUGOSVÉTLOF. A professor and scientist of about
50, with quiet and pleasantly self-possessed manners, and quiet,
deliberate, harmonious speech. Likes to talk. Is mildly disdainful of
those who do not agree with him. Smokes much. Is lean and active.
THE DOCTOR. About 40. Healthy, fat, red-faced, loud-voiced, and rough;
with a self-satisfied smile constantly on his lips.
MÁRYA KONSTANTÍNOVNA. A girl of 20, from the Conservatoire, teacher of
music. Wears a fringe, and is super-fashionably dressed. Obsequious, and
gets easily confused.
PETRÍSTCHEF. About 28; has taken his degree in philology, and is looking
out for a position. Member of the same clubs as Vasíly Leoníditch, and
also of the Society for the Organisation of Calico Balls.[1] Is
bald-headed, quick in movement and speech, and very polite.
[1] Economical balls at which the ladies are bound to appear in
dresses made of cotton materials.
THE BARONESS. A pompous lady of about 50, slow in her movements, speaks
with monotonous intonation.
THE PRINCESS. A society woman, a visitor.
HER DAUGHTER. An affected young society woman, a visitor.
THE COUNTESS. An ancient dame, with false hair and teeth. Moves with
great difficulty.
GROSSMAN. A dark, nervous, lively man of Jewish type. Speaks very loud.
THE FAT LADY: MÁRYA VASÍLEVNA TOLBOÚHINA. A very distinguished, rich,
and kindly woman, acquainted with all the notable people of the last and
present generations. Very stout. Speaks hurriedly, trying to be heard
above every one else. Smokes.
BARON KLÍNGEN (nicknamed KOKO). A graduate of Petersburg University.
Gentleman of the Bedchamber, Attaché to an Embassy. Is perfectly correct
in his deportment, and therefore enjoys peace of mind and is quietly
gay.
TWO SILENT LADIES.
SERGÉY IVÁNITCH SAHÁTOF. About 50, an ex-Assistant Minister of State. An
elegant gentleman, of wide European culture, engaged in nothing and
interested in everything. His carriage is dignified and at times even
severe.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Personal attendant on Zvezdíntsef, aged about 60. A
man of some education and fond of information. Uses his pince-nez and
pocket-handkerchief too much, unfolding the latter very slowly. Takes an
interest in politics. Is kindly and sensible.
GREGORY. A footman, about 28, handsome, profligate, envious, and
insolent.
JACOB. Butler, about 40, a bustling, kindly man, to whom the interests
of his family in the village are all-important.
SIMON. The butler's assistant, about 20, a healthy, fresh, peasant lad,
fair, beardless as yet; calm and smiling.
THE COACHMAN. A man of about 35, a dandy. Has moustaches but no beard.
Rude and decided.
A DISCHARGED MAN-COOK. About 45, dishevelled, unshaved, bloated, yellow
and trembling. Dressed in a ragged, light summer-overcoat and dirty
trousers. Speaks hoarsely, ejecting the words abruptly.
THE SERVANTS' COOK. A talkative, dissatisfied woman of 30.
THE DOORKEEPER. A retired soldier.
TÁNYA (TATYÁNA MÁRKOVNA). Lady's-maid, 19, energetic, strong, merry,
with quickly-changing moods. At moments, when strongly excited, she
shrieks with joy.
FIRST PEASANT. About 60. Has served as village Elder. Imagines that he
knows how to treat gentlefolk, and likes to hear himself talk.
SECOND PEASANT. About 45, head of a family. A man of few words. Rough
and truthful. The father of Simon.
THIRD PEASANT. About 70. Wears shoes of plaited bast. Is nervous,
restless, hurried, and tries to cover his confusion by much talking.
FIRST FOOTMAN (in attendance on the Countess). An old man, with
old-fashioned manners, and proud of his place.
SECOND FOOTMAN. Of enormous size, strong, and rude.
A PORTER FROM A FASHIONABLE DRESSMAKER'S SHOP. A fresh-faced man in
dark-blue long coat. Speaks firmly, emphatically, and clearly.
The action takes place in Moscow, in Zvezdíntsef's house.
FRUITS OF CULTURE
ACT I
The entrance hall of a wealthy house in Moscow. There are three
doors: the front door, the door of Leoníd Fyódoritch's study, and
the door of Vasíly Leoníditch's room. A staircase leads up to the
other rooms; behind it is another door leading to the servants'
quarters.
SCENE 1.
GREGORY [looks at himself in the glass and arranges his hair, &c.] I
_am_ sorry about those moustaches of mine! "Moustaches are not becoming
to a footman," she says! And why? Why, so that any one might see you're
a footman,--else my looks might put her darling son to shame. He's a
likely one! There's not much fear of his coming anywhere near me,
moustaches or no moustaches! [Smiling into the glass] And what a lot of
'em swarm round me. And yet I don't care for any of them as much as for
that Tánya. And she only a lady's-maid! Ah well, she's nicer than any
young lady. [Smiles] She is a duck! [Listening] Ah, here she comes.
[Smiles] Yes, that's her, clattering with her little heels. Oh!
Enter Tánya, carrying a cloak and boots.
GREGORY. My respects to you, Tatyána Márkovna.
TÁNYA. What are you always looking in the glass for? Do you think
yourself so good-looking?
GREGORY. Well, and are my looks not agreeable?
TÁNYA. So, so; neither agreeable nor disagreeable, but just betwixt and
between! Why are all those cloaks hanging there?
GREGORY. I am just going to put them away, your ladyship! [Takes down a
fur cloak and, wrapping it round her, embraces her] I say, Tánya, I'll
tell you something ...
TÁNYA. Oh, get away, do! What do you mean by it? [Pulls herself angrily
away] Leave me alone, I tell you!
GREGORY [looks cautiously around] Then give me a kiss!
TÁNYA. Now, really, what are you bothering for? I'll give you such a
kiss! [Raises her hand to strike].
VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH [off the scene, rings and then shouts] Gregory!
TÁNYA. There now, go! Vasíly Leoníditch is calling you.
GREGORY. He'll wait! He's only just opened his eyes! I say, why don't
you love me?
TÁNYA. What sort of loving have you imagined now? I don't love anybody.
GREGORY. That's a fib. You love Simon! You have found a nice one to
love--a common, dirty-pawed peasant, a butler's assistant!
TÁNYA. Never mind; such as he is, you are jealous of him!
VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH [off the scene] Gregory!
GREGORY. All in good time.... Jealous indeed! Of what? Why, you have
only just begun to get licked into shape, and who are you tying yourself
up with? Now, wouldn't it be altogether a different matter if you loved
me?... I say, Tánya ...
TÁNYA [angrily and severely] You'll get nothing from me, I tell you!
VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH [off the scene] Gregory!!
GREGORY. You're mighty particular, ain't you?
VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH [off the scene, shouts persistently, monotonously, and
with all his might] Gregory! Gregory! Gregory! [Tánya and Gregory
laugh].
GREGORY. You should have seen the girls that have been sweet on me.
[Bell rings].
TÁNYA. Well then, go to them, and leave me alone!
GREGORY. You are a silly, now I think of it. I'm not Simon!
TÁNYA. Simon means marriage, and not tomfoolery!
Enter Porter, carrying a large cardboard box.
PORTER. Good morning!
GREGORY. Good morning! Where are you from?
PORTER. From Bourdey's. I've brought a dress, and here's a note for the
lady.
TÁNYA [taking the note] Sit down, and I'll take it in. [Exit].
Vasíly Leoníditch looks out of the door in shirt-sleeves and
slippers.
VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. Gregory!
GREGORY. Yes, sir.
VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. Gregory! Don't you hear me call?
GREGORY. I've only just come, sir.
VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. Hot water, and a cup of tea.
GREGORY. Yes, sir; Simon will bring them directly.
VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. And who is this? Ah, from Bourdier?
PORTER. Yes, sir.
Exeunt Vasíly Leoníditch and Gregory. Bell rings. Tánya runs in at
the sound of the bell and opens the front door.
TÁNYA [to Porter] Please wait a little.
PORTER. I am waiting.
Sahátof enters at front door.
TÁNYA. I beg your pardon, but the footman has just gone away. This way,
sir. Allow me, please. [Takes his fur cloak].
SAHÁTOF [adjusting his clothes] Is Leoníd Fyódoritch at home? Is he up?
[Bell rings].
TÁNYA. Oh yes, sir. He's been up a long time.
Doctor enters and looks round for the footman. Sees Sahátof and
addresses him in an offhand manner.
DOCTOR. Ah, my respects to you!
SAHÁTOF [looks fixedly at him] The Doctor, I believe?
DOCTOR. And I thought you were abroad! Dropped in to see Leoníd
Fyódoritch?
SAHÁTOF. Yes. And you? Is any one ill?
DOCTOR [laughing] Not exactly ill, but, you know ... It's awful with
these ladies! Sits up at cards till three every morning, and pulls her
waist into the shape of a wine-glass. And the lady is flabby and fat,
and carries the weight of a good many years on her back.
SAHÁTOF. Is this the way you state your diagnosis to Anna Pávlovna? I
should hardly think it quite pleases her!
DOCTOR [laughing] Well, it's the truth. They do all these tricks--and
then come derangements of the digestive organs, pressure on the liver,
nerves, and all sorts of things, and one has to come and patch them up.
It's just awful! [Laughs] And you? You are also a spiritualist it seems?
SAHÁTOF. I? No, I am not also a spiritualist.... Good morning! [Is about
to go, but is stopped by the Doctor].
DOCTOR. No! But I can't myself, you know, positively deny the
possibility of it, when a man like Krougosvétlof is connected with it
all. How can one? Is he not a professor,--a European celebrity? There
must be something in it. I should like to see for myself, but I never
have the time. I have other things to do.
SAHÁTOF. Yes, yes! Good morning. [Exit, bowing slightly].
DOCTOR [to Tánya] Is Anna Pávlovna up?
TÁNYA. She's in her bedroom, but please come up.
Doctor goes upstairs.
Theodore Ivánitch enters with a newspaper in his hand.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH [to Porter] What is it you want?
PORTER. I'm from Bourdey's. I brought a dress and a note, and was told
to wait.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Ah, from Bourdey's! [To Tánya] Who came in just now?
TÁNYA. It was Sergéy Ivánitch Sahátof and the Doctor. They stood talking
here a bit. It was all about spiritalism.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH [correcting her] Spirit_u_alism.
TÁNYA. Yes, that's just what I said--spiritalism. Have you heard how
well it went off last time, Theodore Ivánitch? [Laughs] There was
knocks, and things flew about!
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. And how do _you_ know?
TÁNYA. Miss Elizabeth told me.
Jacob runs in with a tumbler of tea on a tray.
JACOB [to the Porter] Good morning!
PORTER [disconsolately] Good morning!
Jacob knocks at Vasíly Leoníditch's door.
Gregory enters.
GREGORY. Give it here.
JACOB. You didn't bring back all yesterday's tumblers, nor the tray
Vasíly Leoníditch had. And it's me that have to answer for them!
GREGORY. The tray is full of cigars.
JACOB. Well, put them somewhere else. It's me who's answerable for it.
GREGORY. I'll bring it back! I'll bring it back!
JACOB. Yes, so you say, but it is not where it ought to be. The other
day, just as the tea had to be served, it was not to be found.
GREGORY. I'll bring it back, I tell you. What a fuss!
JACOB. It's easy for you to talk. Here am I serving tea for the third
time, and now there's the lunch to get ready. One does nothing but rush
about the livelong day. Is there any one in the house who has more to do
than me? Yet they are never satisfied with me.
GREGORY. Dear me? Who could wish for any one more satisfactory? You're
such a fine fellow!
TÁNYA. Nobody is good enough for you! You alone ...
GREGORY [to Tánya] No one asked your opinion! [Exit].
JACOB. Ah well, I don't mind. Tatyána Márkovna, did the mistress say
anything about yesterday?
TÁNYA. About the lamp, you mean?
JACOB. And how it managed to drop out of my hands, the Lord only knows!
Just as I began rubbing it, and was going to take hold of it in another
place, out it slips and goes all to pieces. It's just my luck! It's easy
for that Gregory Miháylitch to talk--a single man like him! But when one
has a family, one has to consider things: they have to be fed. I don't
mind work.... So she didn't say anything? The Lord be thanked!... Oh,
Theodore Ivánitch, have you one spoon or two?
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. One. Only one! [Reads newspaper].
Exit Jacob.
Bell rings. Enter Gregory (carrying a tray) and the Doorkeeper.
DOORKEEPER [to Gregory] Tell the master some peasants have come from the
village.
GREGORY [pointing to Theodore Ivánitch] Tell the major-domo here, it's
his business. I have no time. [Exit].
TÁNYA. Where are these peasants from?
DOORKEEPER. From Koursk, I think.
TÁNYA [shrieks with delight] It's them.... It's Simon's father come
about the land! I'll go and meet them! [Runs off].
DOORKEEPER. Well, then, what shall I say to them? Shall they come in
here? They say they've come about the land--the master knows, they say.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Yes, they want to purchase some land. All right! But
he has a visitor now, so you had better tell them to wait.
DOORKEEPER. Where shall they wait?
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Let them wait outside. I'll send for them when the
time comes. [Exit Doorkeeper]
Enter Tánya, followed by three Peasants.
TÁNYA. To the right. In here! In here!
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. I did not want them brought in here!
GREGORY. Forward minx!
TÁNYA. Oh, Theodore Ivánitch, it won't matter, they'll stand in this
corner.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. They'll dirty the floor.
TÁNYA. They've scraped their shoes, and I'll wipe the floor up
afterwards. [To Peasants] Here, stand just here.
Peasants come forward carrying presents tied in cotton
handkerchiefs: cake, eggs, and embroidered towels. They look around
for an icón before which to cross themselves; not finding one, they
cross themselves looking at the staircase.
GREGORY [to Theodore Ivánitch]. There now, Theodore Ivánitch, they say
Pironnet's boots are an elegant shape. But those there are ever so much
better. [Pointing to the third Peasant's bast shoes].
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Why will you always be ridiculing people? [Exit
Gregory].
THEODORE IVÁNITCH [rises and goes up to the Peasants] So you are from
Koursk? And have come to arrange about buying some land?
FIRST PEASANT. Just so. We might say, it is for the completion of the
purchase of the land we have come. How could we announce ourselves to
the master?
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Yes, yes, I know. You wait a bit and I'll go and
inform him. [Exit].
The Peasants look around; they are embarrassed where to put their
presents.
FIRST PEASANT. There now, couldn't we have what d'you call it? Something
to present these here things on? To do it in a genteel way, like,--a
little dish or something.
TÁNYA. All right, directly; put them down here for the present. [Puts
bundles on settle].
FIRST PEASANT. There now,--that respectable gentleman that was here just
now,--what might be his station?
TÁNYA. He's the master's valet.
FIRST PEASANT. I see. So he's also in service. And you, now, are you a
servant too?
TÁNYA. I am lady's-maid. Do you know, I also come from Démen! I know
you, and you, but I don't know him. [Pointing to third Peasant].
THIRD PEASANT. Them two you know, but me you don't know?
TÁNYA. You are Efím Antónitch.
FIRST PEASANT. That's just it!
TÁNYA. And you are Simon's father, Zachary Trifánitch.
SECOND PEASANT. Right!
THIRD PEASANT. And let me tell you, I'm Mítry Vlásitch Tchilíkin. Now do
you know?
TÁNYA. Now I shall know you too!
SECOND PEASANT. And who may you be?
TÁNYA. I am Aksínya's, the soldier's wife's, orphan.
FIRST AND THIRD PEASANTS [with surprise] Never!
SECOND PEASANT. The proverb says true:
"Buy a penny pig, put it in the rye,
And you'll have a wonderful fat porker by-and-by."
FIRST PEASANT. That's just it! She's got the resemblance of a duchess!
THIRD PEASANT. That be so truly. Oh Lord!
VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. [off the scene, rings, and then shouts] Gregory!
Gregory!
FIRST PEASANT. Now who's that, for example, disturbing himself in such a
way, if I may say so?
TÁNYA. That's the young master.
THIRD PEASANT. Oh Lord! Didn't I say we'd better wait outside until the
time comes? [Silence].
SECOND PEASANT. Is it _you_, Simon wants to marry?
TÁNYA. Why, has he been writing? [Hides her face in her apron].
SECOND PEASANT. It's evident he's written! But it's a bad business he's
imagined here. I see the lad's got spoilt!
TÁNYA [quickly] No, he's not at all spoilt! Shall I send him to you?
SECOND PEASANT. Why send him? All in good time. Where's the hurry?
VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH [desperately, behind scene] Gregory! Where the devil
are you?... [Enters from his room in shirt-sleeves, adjusting his
pince-nez].
VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. Is every one dead?
TÁNYA. He's not here, sir.... I'll send him to you at once. [Moves
towards the back door].
VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. I could hear you talking, you know. How have these
scarecrows sprung up here? Eh? What?
TÁNYA. They're peasants from the Koursk village, sir. [Peasants bow].
VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. And who is this? Oh yes, from Bourdier.
Vasíly Leoníditch pays no attention to the Peasants' bow. Tánya
meets Gregory at the doorway and remains on the scene.
VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH [to Gregory] I told you the other boots... I can't
wear these!
GREGORY. Well, the others are also there.
VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. But where is _there_?
GREGORY. Just in the same place!
VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. They're not!
GREGORY. Well, come and see. [Exeunt Gregory and Vasíly Leoníditch].
THIRD PEASANT. Say now, might we not in the meantime just go and wait,
say, in some lodging-house or somewhere?
TÁNYA. No, no, wait a little. I'll go and bring you some plates to put
the presents on. [Exit].
Enter Sahátof and Leoníd Fyódoritch, followed by Theodore Ivánitch.
The Peasants take up the presents, and pose themselves.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH [to Peasants] Presently, presently! Wait a bit!
[Points to Porter] Who is this?
PORTER. From Bourdey's.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Ah, from Bourdier.
SAHÁTOF [smiling] Well, I don't deny it: still you understand that,
never having seen it, we, the uninitiated, have some difficulty in
believing.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. You say you find it difficult to believe! We do not
ask for faith; all we demand of you is to investigate! How can I help
believing in this ring? Yet this ring came from there!
SAHÁTOF. From _there_? What do you mean? From where?
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. From the other world. Yes!
SAHÁTOF [smiling] That's very interesting--very interesting!
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Well, supposing we admit that I'm a man carried away
by an idea, as you think, and that I am deluding myself. Well, but what
of Alexéy Vladímiritch Krougosvétlof--he is not just an ordinary man,
but a distinguished professor, and yet he admits it to be a fact. And
not he alone. What of Crookes? What of Wallace?
SAHÁTOF. But I don't deny anything. I only say it is very interesting.
It would be interesting to know how Krougosvétlof explains it!
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. He has a theory of his own. Could you come
to-night?--he is sure to be here. First we shall have Grossman--you
know, the famous thought-reader?
SAHÁTOF. Yes, I have heard of him but have never happened to meet him.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Then you must come! We shall first have Grossman,
then Kaptchítch, and our mediumistic séance.... [To Theodore Ivánitch]
Has the man returned from Kaptchítch?
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Not yet, sir.
SAHÁTOF. Then how am I to know?
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Never mind, come in any case! If Kaptchítch can't
come we shall find our own medium. Márya Ignátievna is a medium--not
such a good one as Kaptchítch, but still ...
Tánya enters with plates for the presents, and stands listening.
SAHÁTOF [smiling] Oh yes, yes. But here is one puzzling point:--how is
it that the mediums are always of the, so-called, educated class, such
as Kaptchítch and Márya Ignátievna? If there were such a special force,
would it not be met with also among the common people--the peasants?
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Oh yes, and it is! That is very common. Even here in
our own house we have a peasant whom we discovered to be a medium. A few
days ago we called him in--a sofa had to be moved, during a séance--and
we forgot all about him. In all probability he fell asleep. And, fancy,
after our séance was over and Kaptchítch had come to again, we suddenly
noticed mediumistic phenomena in another part of the room, near the
peasant: the table gave a jerk and moved!
TÁNYA [aside] That was when I was getting out from under it!
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. It is quite evident he also is a medium. Especially
as he is very like Home in appearance. You remember Home--a fair-haired
naïve sort of fellow?
SAHÁTOF [shrugging his shoulders] Dear me, this is very interesting, you
know. I think you should try him.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. So we will! And he is not alone; there are thousands
of mediums, only we do not know them. Why, only a short time ago a
bedridden old woman moved a brick wall!
SAHÁTOF. Moved a brick ... a brick wall?
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Yes, yes. She was lying in bed, and did not even know
she was a medium. She just leant her arm against the wall, and the wall
moved!
SAHÁTOF. And did not cave in?
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. And did not cave in.
SAHÁTOF. Very strange! Well then, I'll come this evening.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Pray do. We shall have a séance in any case. [Sahátof
puts on his outdoor things, Leoníd Fyódoritch sees him to the door].
PORTER [to Tánya] Do tell your mistress! Am I to spend the night here?
TÁNYA. Wait a little; she's going to drive out with the young lady, so
she'll soon be coming downstairs. [Exit].
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH [comes up to the Peasants, who bow and offer him their
presents] That's not necessary!
FIRST PEASANT [smiling] Oh, but this-here is our first duty, it is! It's
also the Commune's orders that we should do it!
SECOND PEASANT. That's always been the proper way.
THIRD PEASANT. Say no more about it! 'Cause as we are much satisfied....
As our parents, let's say, served, let's say, your parents, so we would
like the same with all our hearts ... and not just anyhow! [Bows].
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. But what is it about? What do you want?
FIRST PEASANT. It's to your honour we've come ...
Enter Petrístchef briskly, in fur-lined overcoat.
PETRÍSTCHEF. Is Vasíly Leoníditch awake yet? [Seeing Leoníd Fyódoritch,
bows, moving only his head].
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. You have come to see my son?
PETRÍSTCHEF. I? Yes, just to see Vovo for a moment.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Step in, step in.
Petrístchef takes off his overcoat and walks in briskly. Exit.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH [to Peasants] Well, what is it you want?
SECOND PEASANT. Please accept our presents!
FIRST PEASANT [smiling] That's to say, the peasants' offerings.
THIRD PEASANT. Say no more about it; what's the good? We wish you the
same as if you were our own father! Say no more about it!
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. All right. Here, Theodore, take these.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH [to Peasants] Give them here. [Takes the presents].
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Well, what is the business?
FIRST PEASANT. We've come to your honour ...
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. I see you have; but what do you want?
FIRST PEASANT. It's about making a move towards completing the sale of
the land. It comes to this ...
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Do you mean to buy the land?
FIRST PEASANT. That's just it. It comes to this ... I mean the buying of
the property of the land. The Commune has given us, let's say, the power
of atturning, to enter, let's say, as is lawful, through the Government
bank, with a stamp for the lawful amount.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. You mean that you want to buy the land through the
land-bank.
FIRST PEASANT. That's just it. Just as you offered it to us last year.
It comes to this, then, the whole sum in full for the buying of the
property of the land is 32,864 roubles.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. That's all right, but how about paying up?
FIRST PEASANT. As to the payment, the Commune offers just as it was said
last year--to pay in 'stalments, and your receipt of the ready money by
lawful regulations, 4000 roubles in full.[2]
[2] The present value of the rouble is rather over two shillings and
one penny.
SECOND PEASANT. Take 4000 now, and wait for the rest of the money.
THIRD PEASANT [unwrapping a parcel of money] And about this be quite
easy. We should pawn our own selves rather than do such a thing just
anyhow say, but in this way, let's say, as it ought to be done.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. But did I not write and tell you that I should not
agree to it unless you brought the whole sum?
FIRST PEASANT. That's just it. It would be more agreeable, but it is not
in our possibilities, I mean.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Well then, the thing can't be done!
FIRST PEASANT. The Commune, for example, relied its hopes on that, that
you made the offer last year to sell it in easy 'stalments ...
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. That was last year. I would have agreed to it then,
but now I can't.
SECOND PEASANT. But how's that? We've been depending on your
promise--we've got the papers ready and have collected the money!
THIRD PEASANT. Be merciful, master! We're short of land; we'll say
nothing about cattle, but even a hen, let's say, we've no room to keep.
[Bows] Don't wrong us, master! [Bows].
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Of course it's quite true, that I agreed last year to
let you have the land for payment by instalments, but now circumstances
are such that it would be inconvenient.
SECOND PEASANT. Without this land we cannot live!
FIRST PEASANT. That's just it. Without land our lives must grow weaker
and come to a decline.
THIRD PEASANT [bowing] Master, we have so little land, let's not talk
about the cattle, but even a chicken, let's say, we've no room for.
Master, be merciful, accept the money, master!
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH [examining the document] I quite understand, and
should like to help you. Wait a little; I will give you an answer in
half-an-hour.... Theodore, say I am engaged and am not to be disturbed.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Yes, sir. [Exit Leoníd Fyódoritch].
The Peasants look dejected.
SECOND PEASANT. Here's a go! "Give me the whole sum," he says. And where
are we to get it from?
FIRST PEASANT. If he had not given us hopes, for example. As it is we
felt quite insured it would be as was said last year.
THIRD PEASANT. Oh Lord! and I had begun unwrapping the money. [Begins
wrapping up the bundle of bank-notes again] What are we to do now?
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. What is your business, then?
FIRST PEASANT. Our business, respected sir, depends in this. Last year
he made us the offer of our buying the land in 'stalments. The Commune
entered upon these terms and gave us the powers of atturning, and now
d'you see he makes the offering that we should pay the whole in full!
And as it turns out, the business is no ways convenient for us.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. What is the whole sum?
FIRST PEASANT. The whole sum in readiness is 4000 roubles, you see.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Well, what of that? Make an effort and collect more.
FIRST PEASANT. Such as it is, it was collected with much effort. We
have, so to say, in this sense, not got ammunition enough.
SECOND PEASANT. You can't get blood out of a stone.
THIRD PEASANT. We'd be glad with all our hearts, but we have swept even
this together, as you might say, with a broom.
Vasíly Leoníditch and Petrístchef appear in the doorway both smoking
cigarettes.
VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. I have told you already I'll do my best, so of
course I will do all that is possible! Eh, what?
PETRÍSTCHEF. You must just understand that if you do not get it, the
devil only knows what a mess we shall be in!
VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. But I've already said I'll do my best, and so I will.
Eh, what?
PETRÍSTCHEF. Nothing. I only say, get some at any cost. I will wait.
Exit into Vasíly Leoníditch's room, closing door.
VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH [waving his arm] It's a deuce of a go! [The Peasants
bow].
VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH [looking at Porter, to Theodore Ivánitch] Why don't
you attend to this fellow from Bourdier? He hasn't come to take lodgings
with us, has he? Just look, he is asleep! Eh, what?
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. The note he brought has been sent in, and he has been
told to wait until Anna Pávlovna comes down.
VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH [looks at Peasants and notices the money] And what is
this? Money? For whom? Is it for us? [To Theodore Ivánitch] Who are
they?
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. They are peasants from Koursk. They are buying land.
VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. Has it been sold them?
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. No, they have not yet come to any agreement. They are
too stingy.
VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. Eh? Well, we must try and persuade them. [To the
Peasants] Here, I say, are you buying land? Eh?
FIRST PEASANT. That's just it. We have made an offering as how we should
like to acquire the possession of the land.
VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. Then you should not be so stingy, you know. Just let
me tell you how necessary land is to peasants! Eh, what? It's very
necessary, isn't it?
FIRST PEASANT. That's just it. The land appears as the very first and
foremost necessity to a peasant. That's just it.
VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. Then why be so stingy? Just you think what land is!
Why, one can sow wheat on it in rows! I tell you, you could get eighty
bushels of wheat, at a rouble and a half a bushel--that would be 120
roubles. Eh, what? Or else mint! I tell you, you could collar 400
roubles off an acre by sowing mint!
FIRST PEASANT. That's just it. All sorts of producks one could put into
action if one had the right understanding.
VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. Mint! Decidedly mint! I have learnt about it, you
know. It's all printed in books. I can show them you. Eh, what?
FIRST PEASANT. That's just it, all concerns are clearer to you through
your books. That's learnedness, of course.
VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. Then pay up and don't be stingy. [To Theodore
Ivánitch] Where's papa?
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. He gave orders not to be disturbed just now.
VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. Oh, I suppose he's consulting a spirit whether to
sell the land or not? Eh, what?
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. I can't say. All I know is that he went away
undecided about it.
VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. What d'you think, Theodore Ivánitch, is he flush of
cash? Eh, what?
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. I don't know. I hardly think so. But what does it
matter to you? You drew a good sum not more than a week ago.
VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. But didn't I pay for those dogs? And now, you know,
there's our new Society, and Petrístchef has been chosen, and I had
borrowed money from Petrístchef and must pay the subscription both for
him and for myself. Eh, what?
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. And what is this new Society? A Cycling Club?
VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. No. Just let me tell you. It is quite a new Society.
It is a very serious Society, you know. And who do you think is
President? Eh, what?
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. What's the object of this new Society?
VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. It is a "Society to Promote the Breeding of Pure-bred
Russian Hounds." Eh, what? And I'll tell you, they're having the first
meeting and a lunch, to-day. And I've no money. I'll go to him and have
a try! [Exit through study door].
FIRST PEASANT [to Theodore Ivánitch] And who might he be, respected sir?
THEODORE IVÁNITCH [smiles] The young master.
THIRD PEASANT. The heir, so to say. Oh Lord! [puts away the money] I'd
better hide it meanwhile.
FIRST PEASANT. And we were told he was in military service, in the
cav'rely, for example.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. No, as an only son he is exempt from military
service.
THIRD PEASANT. Left for to keep his parents, so to say! That's right!
SECOND PEASANT [shaking his head] He's the right sort. He'll feed them
finely!
THIRD PEASANT. Oh Lord!
Enter Vasíly Leoníditch followed by Leoníd Fyódoritch.
VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. That's always the way. It's really surprising! First
I'm asked why I have no occupation, and now when I have found a field
and am occupied, when a Society with serious and noble aims has been
founded, I can't even have 300 roubles to go on with!...
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. I tell you I can't do it, and I can't! I haven't got
it.
VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. Why, you have just sold some land.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. In the first place I have not sold it! And above all,
do leave me in peace! Weren't you told I was engaged? [Exit, slamming
door].
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. I told you this was not the right moment.
VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. Well, I say! Here's a position to be in! I'll go and
see mamma--that's my only hope. He's going crazy over his spiritualism
and forgets everything else. [Goes upstairs].
Theodore Ivánitch takes newspaper and is just going to sit down,
when Betsy and Márya Konstantínovna, followed by Gregory, come down
the stairs.
BETSY. Is the carriage ready?
GREGORY. Just coming to the door.
BETSY [to Márya Konstantínovna] Come along, come along, I know it is he.
MÁRYA KONSTANTÍNOVNA. Which he?
BETSY. You know very well whom I mean--Petrístchef, of course.
MÁRYA KONSTANTÍNOVNA. But where is he?
BETSY. Sitting in Vovo's room. You'll see!
MÁRYA KONSTANTÍNOVNA. And suppose it is not he? [The Peasants and Porter
bow].
BETSY [to Porter] You brought a dress from Bourdier's?
PORTER. Yes, Miss. May I go?
BETSY. Well, I don't know. Ask my mother.
PORTER. I don't know whose it is, Miss; I was ordered to bring it here
and receive the money.
BETSY. Well then, wait.
MÁRYA KONSTANTÍNOVNA. Is it still that costume for the charade?
BETSY. Yes, a charming costume. But mamma won't take it or pay for it.
MÁRYA KONSTANTÍNOVNA. But why not?
BETSY. You'd better ask mamma. She doesn't grudge Vovo 500 roubles for
his dogs, but 100 is too much for a dress. I can't act dressed like a
scarecrow. [Pointing to Peasants] And who are these?
GREGORY. Peasants who have come to buy some land or other.
BETSY. And I thought they were the beaters. Are you not beaters?
FIRST PEASANT. No, no, lady. We have come to see Leoníd Fyódoritch about
the signing into our possession of the title-deeds to some land.
BETSY. Then how is it? Vovo was expecting some beaters who were to come
to-day. Are you sure you are not the beaters? [The Peasants are silent]
How stupid they are! [Goes to Vasíly Leoníditch's door] Vovo? [Laughs].
MÁRYA KONSTANTÍNOVNA. But we met him just now upstairs!
BETSY. Why need you remember that? Vovo, are you there?
Petrístchef enters.
PETRÍSTCHEF. Vovo is not here, but I am prepared to fulfil on his behalf
anything that may be required. How do you do? How do you do, Márya
Konstantínovna? [Shakes hands long and violently with Betsy, and then
with Márya Konstantínovna].
SECOND PEASANT. See, it's as if he were pumping water!
BETSY. You can't replace him,--still you're better than nobody. [Laughs]
What are these affairs of yours with Vovo?
PETRÍSTCHEF. What affairs? Our affairs are fie-nancial, that is, our
business is fie! It's also nancial, and besides it is financial.
BETSY. What does nancial mean?
PETRÍSTCHEF. What a question! It means nothing, that's just the point.
BETSY. No, no, you have missed fire. [Laughs].
PETRÍSTCHEF. One can't always hit the mark, you know. It's something
like a lottery. Blanks and blanks again, and at last you win! [Theodore
Ivánitch goes into the study].
BETSY. Well, this was blank then; but tell me, were you at the
Mergásofs' last night?
PETRÍSTCHEF. Not exactly at the _Mère_ Gásof's, but rather at the _Père_
Gásof's, or better still, at the _Fils_ Gásof's.
BETSY. You can't do without puns. It's an illness. And were the Gypsies
there?[3] [Laughs].
[3] The Gypsy choirs are very popular in Moscow.
PETRÍSTCHEF [sings] "On their aprons silken threads, little birds with
golden heads!" ...
BETSY. Happy mortals! And we were yawning at Fofo's.
PETRÍSTCHEF [continues to sing] "And she promised and she swore, She
would ope' her ... her ... her ..." how does it go on, Márya
Konstantínovna?
MÁRYA KONSTANTÍNOVNA. "Closet door."
PETRÍSTCHEF. How? What? How, Márya Konstantínovna?
BETSY. _Cessez, vous devenez impossible!_[4]
[4] BETSY. Cease! You are becoming quite unbearable!
PETRÍSTCHEF. _J'ai cessé, j'ai bébé, j'ai dédé...._[5]
[5] PETRÍSTCHEF. I have C said (_ceased_), B said, and D said.
BETSY. I see the only way to rid ourselves of your wit is to make you
sing! Let us go into Vovo's room, his guitar is there. Come, Márya
Konstantínovna, come! [Exeunt Betsy, Márya Konstantínovna, and
Petrístchef].
FIRST PEASANT. Who be they?
GREGORY. One is our young lady, the other is a girl who teaches her
music.
FIRST PEASANT. Administrates learning, so to say. And ain't she smart? A
reg'lar picture!
SECOND PEASANT. Why don't they marry her? She is old enough, I should
say.
GREGORY. Do you think it's the same as among you peasants,--marry at
fifteen?
FIRST PEASANT. And that man, for example, is he also in the musitional
line?
GREGORY [mimicking him] "Musitional" indeed! You don't understand
anything!
FIRST PEASANT. That's just so. And stupidity, one might say, is our
ignorance.
THIRD PEASANT. Oh Lord! [Gipsy songs and guitar accompaniment are heard
from Vasíly Leoníditch's room].
Enter Simon, followed by Tánya, who watches the meeting between
father and son.
GREGORY [to Simon] What do you want?
SIMON. I have been to Mr. Kaptchítch.
GREGORY. Well, and what's the answer?
SIMON. He sent word he couldn't possibly come to-night.
GREGORY. All right, I'll let them know. [Exit].
SIMON [to his father] How d'you do, father! My respects to Daddy Efím
and Daddy Mítry! How are all at home?
SECOND PEASANT. Very well, Simon.
FIRST PEASANT. How d'you do, lad?
THIRD PEASANT. How d'you do, sonny?
SIMON [smiles] Well, come along, father, and have some tea.
SECOND PEASANT. Wait till we've finished our business. Don't you see we
are not ready yet?
SIMON. Well, I'll wait for you by the porch. [Wishes to go away].
TÁNYA [running after him] I say, why didn't you tell him anything?
SIMON. How could I before all those people? Give me time, I'll tell him
over our tea. [Exit].
Theodore Ivánitch enters and sits down by the window.
FIRST PEASANT. Respected sir, how's our business proceeding?
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Wait a bit, he'll be out presently, he's just
finishing.
TÁNYA [to Theodore Ivánitch] And how do you know, Theodore Ivánitch, he
is finishing?
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. I know that when he has finished questioning, he
reads the question and answer aloud.
TÁNYA. Can one really talk with spirits by means of a saucer?
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. It seems so.
TÁNYA. But supposing they tell him to sign, will he sign?
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Of course he will.
TÁNYA. But they do not speak with words?
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Oh, yes. By means of the alphabet. He notices at
which letter the saucer stops.
TÁNYA. Yes, but at a si-ance?...
Enter Leoníd Fyódoritch.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Well, friends, I can't do it! I should be very glad
to, but it is quite impossible. If it were for ready money it would be a
different matter.
FIRST PEASANT. That's just so. What more could any one desire? But the
people are so inpennycuous--it is quite impossible!
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Well, I can't do it, I really can't. Here is your
document; I can't sign it.
THIRD PEASANT. Show some pity, master; be merciful!
SECOND PEASANT. How can you act so? It is doing us a wrong.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Nothing wrong about it, friends. I offered it you in
summer, but then you did not agree; and now I can't agree to it.
THIRD PEASANT. Master, be merciful! How are we to get along? We have so
little land. We'll say nothing about the cattle; a hen, let's say,
there's no room to let a hen run about.
Leoníd Fyódoritch goes up to the door and stops. Enter, descending
the staircase, Anna Pávlovna and doctor, followed by Vasíly
Leoníditch, who is in a merry and playful mood and is putting some
bank-notes into his purse.
ANNA PÁVLOVNA [tightly laced, and wearing a bonnet] Then I am to take
it?
DOCTOR. If the symptoms recur you must certainly take it, but above all,
you must behave better. How can you expect thick syrup to pass through a
thin little hair tube, especially when we squeeze the tube? It's
impossible; and so it is with the biliary duct. It's simple enough.
ANNA PÁVLOVNA. All right, all right!
DOCTOR. Yes, "All right, all right," and you go on in the same old way.
It won't do, madam--it won't do. Well, good-bye!
ANNA PÁVLOVNA. No, not good-bye, only _au revoir_! For I still expect
you to-night. I shall not be able to make up my mind without you.
DOCTOR. All right, if I have time I'll pop in. [Exit].
ANNA PÁVLOVNA [noticing the Peasants] What's this? What? What people are
these? [Peasants bow].
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. These are peasants from Koursk, come to see Leoníd
Fyódoritch about the sale of some land.
ANNA PÁVLOVNA. I see they are peasants, but who let them in?
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Leoníd Fyódoritch gave the order. He has just been
speaking to them about the sale of the land.
ANNA PÁVLOVNA. What sale? There is no need to sell any. But above all,
how can one let in people from the street into the house? One can't let
people in from the street! One can't let people into the house who have
spent the night heaven knows where!... [Getting more and more excited] I
daresay every fold of their clothes is full of microbes--of
scarlet-fever microbes, of smallpox microbes, of diphtheria microbes!
Why, they are from Koursk Government, where there is an epidemic of
diphtheria ... Doctor! Doctor! Call the doctor back!
Leoníd Fyódoritch goes into his room and shuts the door. Gregory
goes to recall the Doctor.
VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH [smokes at the Peasants] Never mind, mamma; if you
like I'll fumigate them so that all the microbes will go to pot! Eh,
what?
Anna Pávlovna remains severely silent, awaiting the Doctor's return.
VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH [to Peasants] And do you fatten pigs? There's a
first-rate business!
FIRST PEASANT. That's just so. We do go in for the pig-fattening line
now and then.
VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. This kind?... [Grunts like a pig].
ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Vovo, Vovo, leave off!
VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. Isn't it like? Eh, what?
FIRST PEASANT. That's just so. It's very resemblant.
ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Vovo, leave off, I tell you!
SECOND PEASANT. What's it all about?
THIRD PEASANT. I said, we'd better go to some lodging meanwhile!
Enter Doctor and Gregory.
DOCTOR. What's the matter? What's happened?
ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Why, you're always saying I must not get excited. Now,
how is it possible to keep calm? I do not see my own sister for two
months, and am careful about any doubtful visitor--and here are people
from Koursk, straight from Koursk, where there is an epidemic of
diphtheria, right in my house!
DOCTOR. These good fellows you mean, I suppose?
ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Of course. Straight from a diphtheric place!
DOCTOR. Well, of course, if they come from an infected place it is rash;
but still there is no reason to excite yourself so much about it.
ANNA PÁVLOVNA. But don't you yourself advise carefulness?
DOCTOR. Of course, of course. Still, why excite yourself?
ANNA PÁVLOVNA. How can I help it? Now we shall have to have the house
completely disinfected.
DOCTOR. Oh no! Why completely? That would cost 300 roubles or more.
I'll arrange it cheaply and well for you. Take, to a large bottle of
water ...
ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Boiled?
DOCTOR. It's all the same. Boiled would be better. To one bottle of
water take a tablespoon of salicylic acid, and have everything they have
come in contact with washed with the solution. As to the fellows
themselves, they must be off, of course. That's all. Then you're quite
safe. And it would do no harm to sprinkle some of the same solution
through a spray--two or three tumblers--you'll see how well it will act.
No danger whatever!
ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Tánya! Where is Tánya?
Enter Tánya.
TÁNYA. Did you call, M'm?
ANNA PÁVLOVNA. You know that big bottle in my dressing-room?
TÁNYA. Out of which we sprinkled the laundress yesterday?
ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Well, of course! What other bottle could I mean? Well
then, take that bottle and first wash with soap the place where they
have been standing, and then with ...
TÁNYA. Yes, M'm; I know how.
ANNA PÁVLOVNA. And then take the spray ... However, I had better do that
myself when I get back.
DOCTOR. Well then, do so, and don't be afraid! Well, _au revoir_ till
this evening. [Exit].
ANNA PÁVLOVNA. And they must be off! Not a trace of them must remain!
Get out, get out! Go--what are you looking at?
FIRST PEASANT. That's just so. It's because of our stupidity, as we were
instructed ...
GREGORY [pushes the Peasants out] There, there; be off!
SECOND PEASANT. Let me have my handkerchief back! [The handkerchief in
which the presents were wrapped].
THIRD PEASANT. Oh Lord, oh Lord! didn't I say--some lodging-house
meanwhile!
Gregory pushes him out. Exeunt Peasants.
PORTER [who has repeatedly tried to say something] Will there be any
answer?
ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Ah, from Bourdier? [Excitedly] None! None! You can take
it back. I told her I never ordered such a costume, and I will not allow
my daughter to wear it!
PORTER. I know nothing about it. I was sent ...
ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Go, go, take it back! I will call myself about it!
VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH [solemnly] Sir Messenger from Bourdier, depart!
PORTER. I might have been told that long ago. I have sat here nearly
five hours!
VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. Ambassador from Bourdier, begone!
ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Cease, please!
Exit Porter.
ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Betsy! Where is she? I always have to wait for her.
VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH [shouting at the top of his voice] Betsy! Petrístchef!
Come quick, quick, quick! Eh? What?
Enter Petrístchef, Betsy, and Márya Konstantínovna.
ANNA PÁVLOVNA. You always keep one waiting!
BETSY. On the contrary, I was waiting for you!
Petrístchef bows with his head only, then kisses Anna Pávlovna's
hand.
ANNA PÁVLOVNA. How d'you do! [To Betsy] You always have an answer ready!
BETSY. If you are upset, mamma, I had better not go.
ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Are we going or not?
BETSY. Well, let us go; it can't be helped.
ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Did you see the man from Bourdier?
BETSY. Yes, and I was very glad. I ordered the costume, and am going to
wear it when it is paid for.
ANNA PÁVLOVNA. I am not going to pay for a costume that is indecent!
BETSY. Why has it become indecent? First it was decent, and now you have
a fit of prudery.
ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Not prudery at all! If the bodice were completely
altered, then it would do.
BETSY. Mamma, that is quite impossible.
ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Well, get dressed. [They sit down. Gregory puts on their
over-shoes for them].
VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. Márya Konstantínovna, do you notice a vacuum in the
hall?
MÁRYA KONSTANTÍNOVNA. What is it? [Laughs in anticipation].
VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. Bourdier's man has gone! Eh, what? Good, eh? [Laughs
loudly].
ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Well, let us go. [Goes out of the door, but returns at
once] Tánya!
TÁNYA. Yes, M'm?
ANNA PÁVLOVNA. Don't let Frisk catch cold while I am away. If she wants
to be let out, put on her little yellow cloak. She is not quite well
to-day.
TÁNYA. Yes, M'm.
Exeunt Anna Pávlovna, Betsy, and Gregory.
PETRÍSTCHEF. Well, have you got it?
VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH. Not without trouble, I can tell you! First I rushed
at the gov'nor; he began to bellow and turned me out. Off to the
mater--I got it out of her. It's here! [Slaps his breast pocket] If once
I make up my mind, there's no getting away from me. I have a deadly
grip! Eh, what? And d'you know, my wolf-hounds are coming to-day.
Petrístchef and Vasíly Leoníditch put on their outdoor things and go
out. Tánya follows.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH [alone] Yes, nothing but unpleasantness. How is it
they can't live in peace? But one must say the new generation are
not--the thing. And as to the women's dominion!... Why, Leoníd
Fyódoritch just now was going to put in a word, but seeing what a frenzy
she was in--slammed the door behind him. He is a wonderfully
kind-hearted man. Yes, wonderfully kind. What's this? Here's Tánya
bringing them back again!
TÁNYA. Come in, come in, grand-dads, never mind!
Enter Tánya and the Peasants.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Why have you brought them back?
TÁNYA. Well, Theodore Ivánitch, we must do something about their
business. I shall have to wash the place anyhow.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. But the business will not come off, I see that
already.
FIRST PEASANT. How could we best put our affair into action, respected
sir? Your reverence might take a little trouble over it, and we should
give you full thankings from the Commune for your trouble.
THIRD PEASANT. Do try, honey! We can't live! We have so little land.
Talk of cattle--why, we have no room to keep a hen! [They bow].
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. I am sorry for you, friends, but I can't think of any
way to help you. I understand your case very well, but he has refused.
So what can one do? Besides, the lady is also against it. Well, give me
your papers--I'll try and see what I can do, but I hardly hope to
succeed. [Exit].
Tánya and the three Peasants sigh.
TÁNYA. But tell me, grand-dads, what is it that is wanted?
FIRST PEASANT. Why, only that he should put his signature to our
document.
TÁNYA. That the master should sign? Is that all?
FIRST PEASANT. Yes, only lay his signature on the deed and take the
money, and there would be an end of the matter.
THIRD PEASANT. He only has to write and sign, as the peasants, let's
say, desire, so, let's say, I also desire. That's the whole affair--if
he'd only take it and sign it, it's all done.
TÁNYA [considering] He need only sign the paper and it's done?
FIRST PEASANT. That's just so. The whole matter is in dependence on
that, and nothing else. Let him sign, and we ask no more.
TÁNYA. Just wait and see what Theodore Ivánitch will say. If he cannot
persuade the master, I'll try something.
FIRST PEASANT. Get round him, will you?
TÁNYA. I'll try.
THIRD PEASANT. Ay, the lass is going to bestir herself. Only get the
thing settled, and the Commune will bind itself to keep you all your
life. See there, now!
FIRST PEASANT. If the affair can be put into action, truly we might put
her in a gold frame.
SECOND PEASANT. That goes without saying!
TÁNYA. I can't promise for certain, but as the saying is: "An attempt is
no sin, if you try ..."
FIRST PEASANT. "You may win." That's just so.
Enter Theodore Ivánitch.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. No, friends, it's no go! He has not done it, and he
won't do it. Here, take your document. You may go.
FIRST PEASANT [gives Tánya the paper] Then it's on you we pin all our
reliance, for example.
TÁNYA. Yes, yes! You go into the street, and I'll run out to you in a
minute and have a word with you.
Exeunt Peasants.
TÁNYA. Theodore Ivánitch, dear Theodore Ivánitch, ask the master to come
out and speak to me for a moment. I have something to say to him.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. What next?
TÁNYA. I must, Theodore Ivánitch. Ask him, do; there's nothing wrong
about it, on my sacred word.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. But what do you want with him?
TÁNYA. That's a little secret. I will tell you later on, only ask him.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH [smiling] I can't think what you are up to! All right,
I'll go and ask him. [Exit].
TÁNYA. I'll do it! Didn't he say himself that there is that power in
Simon? And I know how to manage. No one found me out that time, and now
I'll teach Simon what to do. If it doesn't succeed it's no great matter.
After all it's not a sin.
Enter Leoníd Fyódoritch followed by Theodore Ivánitch.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH [smiling] Is this the petitioner? Well, what is your
business?
TÁNYA. It's a little secret, Leoníd Fyódoritch; let me tell it you
alone.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. What is it? Theodore, leave us for a minute.
Exit Theodore Ivánitch.
TÁNYA. As I have grown up and lived in your house, Leoníd Fyódoritch,
and as I am very grateful to you for everything, I shall open my heart
to you as to a father. Simon, who is living in your house, wants to
marry me.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. So that's it!
TÁNYA. I open my heart to you as to a father! I have no one to advise
me, being an orphan.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Well, and why not? He seems a nice lad.
TÁNYA. Yes, that's true. He would be all right; there is only one thing
I have my doubts about. It's something about him that I have noticed and
can't make out ... perhaps it is something bad.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. What is it? Does he drink?
TÁNYA. God forbid! But since I know that there is such a thing as
spiritalism ...
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Ah, you know that?
TÁNYA. Of course! I understand it very well. Some, of course, through
ignorance, don't understand it.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Well, what then?
TÁNYA. I am very much afraid for Simon. It does happen to him.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. What happens to him?
TÁNYA. Something of a kind like spiritalism. You ask any of the
servants. As soon as he gets drowsy at the table, the table begins to
tremble, and creak like that: _tuke, ... tuke_! All the servants have
heard it.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Why, it's the very thing I was saying to Sergéy
Ivánitch this morning! Yes?...
TÁNYA. Or else ... when was it?... Oh yes, last Wednesday. We sat down
to dinner, and the spoon just jumps into his hand of itself!
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Ah, that is interesting! Jumps into his hand? When he
was drowsing?
TÁNYA. That I didn't notice. I think he was, though.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. Yes?...
TÁNYA. And that's what I'm afraid of, and what I wanted to ask you
about. May not some harm come of it? To live one's life together, and
him having such a thing in him!
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH [smiling] No, you need not be afraid, there is nothing
bad in that. It only proves him to be a _medium_--simply a medium. I
knew him to be a medium before this.
TÁNYA. So that's what it is! And I was afraid!
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. No, there's nothing to be afraid of. [Aside]. That's
capital! Kaptchítch can't come, so we will test him to-night.... [To
Tánya] No, my dear, don't be afraid, he will be a good husband and ...
that is only a kind of special power, and every one has it, only in some
it is weaker and in others stronger.
TÁNYA. Thank you, sir. Now I shan't think any more about it; but I was
so frightened.... What a thing it is, our want of education!
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. No, no, don't be frightened... Theodore!
Enter Theodore Ivánitch.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. I am going out now. Get everything ready for
to-night's séance.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. But Mr. Kaptchítch is not coming.
LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH. That does not matter. [Puts on overcoat] We shall
have a trial séance with our own medium. [Exit. Theodore Ivánitch goes
out with him].
TÁNYA [alone] He believes it! He believes it! [Shrieks and jumps with
joy] He really believes it! Isn't it wonderful! [Shrieks] Now I'll do
it, if only Simon has pluck for it!
Theodore Ivánitch returns.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Well, have you told him your secret?
TÁNYA. I'll tell you too, only later on.... But I have a favour to ask
of you too, Theodore Ivánitch.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Yes? What is it?
TÁNYA [shyly] You have been a second father to me, and I will open my
heart before you as before God.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Don't beat about the bush, but come straight to the
point.
TÁNYA. The point is ... well, the point is, that Simon wants to marry
me.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Is that it? I thought I noticed ...
TÁNYA. Well, why should I hide it? I am an orphan, and you know yourself
how matters are in these town establishments. Every one comes bothering;
there's that Gregory Miháylitch, for instance, he gives me no peace. And
also that other one ... you know. They think I have no soul, and am only
here for their amusement.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Good girl, that's right! Well, what then?
TÁNYA. Well, Simon wrote to his father; and he, his father, sees me
to-day, and says: "He's spoilt"--he means his son. Theodore Ivánitch
[bows], take the place of a father to me, speak to the old man,--to
Simon's father! I could take them into the kitchen, and you might come
in and speak to the old man!
THEODORE IVÁNITCH [smiling] Then I am to turn match-maker--am I? Well, I
can do that.
TÁNYA. Theodore Ivánitch, dearest, be a father to me, and I'll pray for
you all my life long.
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. All right, all right, I'll come later on. Haven't I
promised? [Takes up newspaper].
TÁNYA. You are a second father to me!
THEODORE IVÁNITCH. All right, all right.
TÁNYA. Then I'll rely on you. [Exit].
THEODORE IVÁNITCH [alone, shaking his head] A good affectionate girl. To
think that so many like her perish! Get but once into trouble and she'll
go from hand to hand until she sinks into the mire, and can never be
found again! There was that dear little Nataly. She, too, was a good
girl, reared and cared for by a mother. [Takes up paper] Well, let's see
what tricks Ferdinand is up to in Bulgaria.
Curtain.