Lord. D’ you think I want the whole river to know? It’s like a cargo
of corncrakes. You’re enough to frighten a steam launch!"
I stopped then and cried at his cruelty.
"Don’t be harsh, grandfather--don’t be brutal to your only grandchild,"
I sobbed.
"Behave yourself, then. When you take to singing in public it’s about
time I spoke out."
We got home somehow, and never returned to the subject. He did not
desire to be reminded of his poetry, and therefore was careful not to
allude to my passing indisposition.
But I never hesitated to speak on the subject of poor Phyllis. I
implored him, by everything that was sacred, to abandon this
undertaking. Each day throughout that week I attacked him, until in
sheer despair and rage he would take his hat and fly from the house. But
nothing availed--grandfather would not alter his intention; and I
therefore determined to forbid the banns. The thought was naturally
very distasteful to me, but I could see no alternative. Grandpapa,
never dreaming of such a thing, rowed up the river as usual on the
following Sunday, and I went to St. Jude’s.
In due course the minister published the banns of marriage "between
Daniel Dolphin, of this parish, bachelor, and Phyllis Rose,
of"--somewhere else, I forget the name of the place--"spinster." It was
for the third and last time of asking.
I got up, grasped the pew in front of me, and exclaimed:
"This--this mustn’t go on. I forbid the banns!"
"Which?" asked the minister. He had read out a string of names.
"Those between my grand--between Daniel Dolphin and Phyllis Rose."
"Will the individual who has forbidden these banns of marriage meet me
in the vestry at the end of the service?" said the clergyman. Then he
proceeded.
In the vestry he asked me for particulars.
"In the first place," I answered, "Mr. Dolphin is not a bachelor at all.
He is married. He has been married three times."
"D’ you mean to say that mere boy’s been married three times?"
"It’s the solemn truth."
"No wife alive, I trust?"
"Oh, no--the last died sixty years ago--at least--that is----"
"Woman," said the pastor sternly, "what do you mean? Mr. Dolphin came
to see me himself. He is twenty, so he says, but does not look that.
You have told me a transparent lie. Do you know Mr. Dolphin?"
"Know him! He’s my grandfather."
The Vicar looked round to see if the coast was clear. He prepared to
escape if I should grow violent. His manner instantly changed.
"Keep cool, dear madam. I quite understand. Let me get you a glass of
water to drink."
Then he withdrew, and I heard him whispering to an old woman who opened
the pews. He bid her run for a doctor and a policeman. Upon this I rose
and came home.
To my surprise, grandpapa rowed back pretty early in the afternoon. He
was in a terribly depressed and agitated condition, so I did not tell
him just then what I had clone.
"What’s the matter, grandfather? Phyllis is well?"
"No, she’s not well. A brute got up at her wretched church and forbid
the banns. She fainted, and her father met the person and somebody else
afterwards. Whether it was Tomkins, or Talbot, or Rogers, or the
Princess, I don’t know. But it’s all up. Old Rose is going to arrange
an action for breach of promise. His wife came home from church and
gave me the particulars, and some pretty peppery criticism at the same
time. We must clear out of this, but I’ll row for the ’Diamonds’ if the
heavens fall. Get your traps. We’ll go up the river by easy stages,
and lie low in the day-time. I can enter for the regatta under a
feigned name."
Thus had my poor grandparent’s banns been forbidden at both places of
worship simultaneously.
*CHAPTER XIX.*
_*COUNSEL’S OPINION.*_
Grandpapa decided that Sunbury would be a likely sort of place to "lie
low" in, so we went up after dark that same Sunday evening, reached our
new halting-place soon after midnight, and took some lodgings by the
water-side. The affair was in the papers next day, and the name of
Daniel Dolphin echoed in people’s mouths once more.
Grandfather now called himself Elisha Spratt, and he entered under that
name at Henley. By a curious coincidence, the first heat for the Diamond
Sculls fell on grandpapa’s birthday. Nearly a month, however, had yet to
pass by before that elate. Mr. Rose’s added another to the long list of
indictments against grandfather, but the old man cared nothing. He went
on steadily and quietly with his practice and training, and the harder
he trained, the younger he began to look.
A painful incident, out of which arose another still more trying, has
here to be recorded. Grandpapa, while discussing the different processes
at law which he had incurred, told me, in some glee, of matters I did
not know.
"I did a smart thing recently," he began. "Of course, a man must help
his chums where he can, and I’ve been able to do so without any hurt to
myself. People on the river think I’ve got pots of money, because I
spend very freely. On the strength of this I’ve been asked to lend my
security on about twenty different occasions. I never refused. Men
thought I was a fool, but I knew what I was about very well."
The old, cunning look came back into his eyes once more. It had a very
painful appearance on the face of so young a man.
"What have you done now, dear grandfather? Hide nothing from me," I
said.
"I’ve backed a lot of bills, and gone security for thousands and
thousands. A good few of the Johnnies can’t pay, and they’ll come down
on me like a ton of bricks. Ha, ha!"
"I don’t see what there is to laugh at, grandpapa. So little amuses you
now."
"Why, _I’m under age_. That’s where the laugh comes in. I’m a legal
infant, or something of that sort. They can’t touch me."
"A legal infant! Why, grandfather, you’re a hundred and eight years old
in a few weeks’ time."
"Not by the New Scheme."
"What’s the New Scheme got to do with the money-lenders? They’ll fight
it out on the Old Scheme, and trace you back and back, and confront you
with your past career. It was madness to do such a thing."
The old man grew rather wretched and uneasy, but he soon cheered up
again.
"I thought it was such a smart move; and, after all, no harm’s done, for
I haven’t got the money. In fact, fifteen hundred or less is about my
limit now. I’m safe enough if you don’t go and give me away. People
recognise you, but, of course, I shall begin changing and dwindling at a
deuce of a rate, after Henley. To think that my mental powers will
begin to fade, too--that’s what cuts me up."
What he called his mental powers had already begun to fade. He was
stupid for his age now, and would be a mere clown of a boy in six
months’ time. But I did not tell him so. I said nothing; and soon
afterwards he went to bed.
In the morning he came down to breakfast, fired with an extraordinary
new project. And yet, in justice to myself, I cannot say strictly that
it was a fresh idea. I had advised him to take the step he now
contemplated any time this five years.
"I have been reading the agreement," said grandpapa, "and, upon my soul,
it looks to me, duffer though I am, as if the thing didn’t hold water.
I don’t know anything about law, but the question is simply a legal one,
after all; and if there’s a flaw anywhere, I don’t see why I shouldn’t
benefit by it. Any way, it’s good enough to get an opinion on. I shall
go up to Lincoln’s Inn Fields, and see Messrs. Tarrant and Hawker. They
helped me in the matter of the Automatic Postcard swindle, if you
remember. I shall pretend the agreement is a joke, and, of course, they
won’t know me from Adam. Just think if they discovered a flaw, now, at
the eleventh hour, so to speak!"
"Go, by all means, grandpapa, but don’t buoy yourself, my dearest.
Recollect Who wrote that agreement. He may not be skilled in legal
matters himself, but he must have had ample opportunities for submitting
the draft to experts."
"That’s the point," answered grandpapa. "He expressly said he’d drawn it
up himself. It was a new thing in agreements, even for him. He fancied
it too. But there may be a slip somewhere. I want a day off the river,
and I’ll go up with this document after lunch. You sit tight at home and
don’t show yourself. If people see you--Rose or any of the rest--they’ll
know I’m not far off."
"And take care yourself, grandpapa. They are on the look out, no doubt.
If you are arrested, I shall go mad."
He started, and I spent the afternoon reading disquieting paragraphs
about Daniel Dolphin. Many papers made mention of him, and certain of
the comic organs printed what they doubtless regarded as jokes. My name
appeared. There was much diversity of opinion about me. Some said that
I was his daughter; others that we were brother and sister; others,
again, that Daniel Dolphin’s mother or grandmother or great-aunt
assisted him in his pernicious career. The _Star_ fancied that Daniel
Dolphin often masqueraded as an old woman. Everybody agreed that the
truth would soon be known, because the police had an undoubted clue, and
the matter was in most experienced hands.
My grandpapa returned to dinner. He wept into his plate all through
that meal, and showed me in a thousand ways that his enterprise had
produced no good results.
"Speak, my treasure!" I cried at length, unable to bear the suspense;
"is it as bad as you thought?"
"A million times worse!"
"Worse! What could be worse, grandpapa?"
"I’ll explain. This fool--Nick, I mean--has drawn out the thing
single-handed, and defeated his own object, and wrecked me utterly. I
saw Mr. Hawker himself. He studied the agreement for an hour, then gave
judgment on it. He said, tapping it with his eyeglass, ’Now this
document is curious--very much so. The--the person who wrote it appears
to have had a certain smattering of law terms, which he sprinkles over
his remarks without any legal knowledge, without any familiarity with
their forensic significance. The most remarkable thing about this
agreement, however, is that by the processes to be applied to Daniel
Dolphin, the said gentleman will absolutely cease to exist at the end of
the specified time. The deed is amateurish in many respects, but in
none more than this. It defeats its own object, for on the completion
of the period herein set out, _there will be nothing of Mr. Daniel
Dolphin left to go anywhere_! He said that, and I thanked him and paid
six-and-eightpence, and came away, feeling about as cheap as a bad egg."
My grandfather flung himself on a sofa, and cried again.
"Then you can’t go to--to--!" I said, with a thrill of exultation.
"I can’t go anywhere at all," he moaned; "I go out like gas when it’s
turned off at the tap. You don’t understand--it’s terrible, it’s
unheard of. I’d rather have gone down below than nowhere at
all--anybody would. But now--now I shall become as extinct as the dodo.
He’s spoofed himself, and squelched me. Talk about justice!"
I cannot dwell upon his sufferings. He had always believed firmly in a
life beyond the grave. Now it was snatched from him by a juggling,
muddle-headed, self-sufficient fiend, who ought never to have been
allowed the use of writing materials. The matter was a logical one; the
end of the New Scheme simply meant eternal annihilation for my unhappy
old grandfather.
*CHAPTER XX.*
_*A CLIMAX.*_
Grandfather had little time to concern himself with his new and terrible
sorrows. All his hopes and ambitions now centred in the race at Henley;
but adequate training became very difficult, because we were marked
people now, despite the fact that we had changed our names. Detectives
were constantly watching us and taking photographs of us in a
hand-camera, and doing all they could to identify grandpapa with Daniel
Dolphin. We moved higher up the river, then proceeded above Henley, then
retreated back again to Kew. This threw the police out for awhile, but
as time went on they found us again, and finally the first writ arrived.
But this and others concerned money affairs, and grandpapa brushed them
away with contempt. Anon, however, a more serious injunction fell upon
us. Mr. Rose, satisfied that grandfather was no other than Daniel
Dolphin, and doubtless advised by those familiar with the law, brought
an action in the name of his daughter for breach of promise of marriage.
"It’s pretty rough on me," said grandpapa, "that the one girl of the lot
that I really was faithful to, and wanted to marry, and meant to marry,
should jump on me like this. I couldn’t help the banns being forbidden.
And now I have got to appear in the Queen’s Bench Division, and very
likely get run in for all I’m worth, and a bit over."
"D’you observe the date?" I asked, after looking at the document.
"By Jove! my twentieth birthday by the New Scheme--same date as first
heat of the ’Diamonds.’ Well, I can’t attend, that’s all. They’ll have
to put it off."
A sort of fatality attached to subsequent summonses for grandpapa. The
Salisbury people got wind of his address too, and he was ordered to
repair to that city on divers charges. I think about six detectives, all
working in different interests, were now employed upon grandfather. He
was commanded to appear in the Queen’s Bench Division on no less than
three different counts, for Marie Rogers brought a case against Daniel
Dolphin, and Mrs. Bangley-Brown did the same.
"They’ll look pretty complete fools, those women," said grandpapa
grimly, "when I do turn up in the box--a callow, lanky lout of twenty.
The detectives have marked you down, Martha, and associate you with the
missing Daniel Dolphin. So they think they are on the right track.
You’ll have to come and swear anything I tell you to."
But I had my own troubles. There were several summonses out against me
for "aiding and abetting" grandpapa in his different enterprises.
"Shall you employ a solicitor?" I asked.
"Not I," he answered. "No good chucking money away. I shall plead
infancy, and if that won’t wash, I shall throw myself on the mercy of
the Court. I shall get up some legal expressions, like _ultra vires_,
and _sub judice_, and _suggestio falsi_, and _prima facie_, and so on.
With these I shall endeavour to conduct my own case. As a last resort I
shall try an alibi. But my own impression is that these fools of women
will cry off the moment they see me. I don’t want to drag in the New
Scheme if I can possibly help it. What a cur Nick is not to lend a hand
at a time like this!"
"And what am I to do, grandfather?"
"Well, you’ll have to stand your trial. As far as I can see, you’ll get
about five years if they’re lenient. You might bounce it with an alibi.
After all, what does it matter? Quiet rest in a prison cell would be
luxury after this life. I’ve foreseen it for some time. In your case
it might be the best thing that could happen. You’ll have to be steady
there. It’s about the only thought that really worries me, to remember
that when I’m a defenceless babe I shall be in the hands of a woman who
drinks."
"Grandpapa! you know how I try."
"I know how you succeed. Any excuse is good enough for a whack with you
now. Every time a new injunction or process or writ drops in, off you go
to the brandy bottle and carouse, as though they were matters to rejoice
about. What was the good of signing the pledge if you never meant to
keep it?"
"I find my system must have stimulant now, and I take it medicinally."
"Oh, of course--the same old lie that’s been on people’s tongues ever
since Noah invented it. It’s your business after all, only you might
look on ahead a little. Not long ago you were always telling me to do
so. One of these days, after I’m a poor bawling infant in arms, you’ll
see purple centipedes or something just when I want your attention, and
I shall get left."
The subject dropped, and I turned the conversation to a pleasanter
theme. We were within a week of the race, and grandpapa, in the pink of
condition, only hoped and prayed that the law would not put violent
hands upon him before Henley Regatta. The complications of the position
had now become impossible to describe in words. We were lodging at
Henley, and already letters, signed "Verax" and "Scrutator," were
appearing in the sporting papers hinting at matters mysteriously
connecting the young sculler, Elisha Spratt, with the scoundrel, Daniel
Dolphin. Mr. Rose was responsible for these; at least, grandpapa
thought so.
But nobody interfered with him. He wound up his training, and backed
himself with a thousand pounds, which was all we had left in the world.
On the night before the race some policemen made an endeavour to arrest
grandpapa, but he escaped, and joined me at a mean hotel near the river,
where with great difficulty we succeeded in getting two adjoining
bedrooms. A good night’s rest was absolutely necessary for him.
"You see, I’ve got to win the Sculls at Henley, and answer for myself at
Salisbury and in the Queen’s Bench Division, and before a magistrate at
Twickenham, and in three police-courts elsewhere, so I shall be fairly
busy to-morrow," he said, with a rather pathetic smile. Then he kissed
me, and went to bed in perfect good-temper. He was happily too young
now to thoroughly realise his awful position.
*CHAPTER XXI.*
_*MY NIGHTMARE.*_
I did not sleep that night for many hours, and when I finally slumbered
there came to me a nightmare, involving grandpapa, which took ten years
off my life.
I dreamed that the morning had come, and that I went into grandfather’s
room to wish him many happy returns of the day--a thing I should
certainly not have done in reality. But I was in the spirit, and never
shall I forget the spectacle which greeted me as I stood by the old
man’s pillow. Instead of the ruddy, healthy boy I had left
over-night--instead of the muscular, deep-chested, deep-voiced young
athlete who was that day to row at Henley, there sat up in the bed an
uncanny, wrinkled, decrepit mummy of a creature. It was bald, save for
a thin tangle of white eyebrow over each bleared eye. Its mouth was a
mere slit, its nose and chin nearly met, its cheeks had fallen in. One
thin skeleton of a claw held the bedclothes up to its scraggy neck. Its
head shook, its under jaw dropped, its back was round as a wheel; the
thing manifested indications of profoundest age.
"What--what is this? Who are you?" I gasped, turning faint and
clutching at a chair-back for support.
It laughed a little squeaky, wheezy laugh, and a cunning expression came
into its dim eyes.
"Keep your nerve," it said. "The show’s bust up; the New Scheme’s
broken down!"
"Grandpapa!"
"He--he--he! Yes. A hundred and eight, not twenty. I’ve downed him."
"Downed him, grandpapa?"
"That means bested him, beaten him, scored off him. Lord! Lord! You’d
have laughed to see what went on here last night. Nick swore and cussed
and stormed and stamped round and perspired brimstone; but it wasn’t any
manner of use. He’d given himself away by his own foolishness."
"Tell me, grandfather, tell me all about it. This is a happy day
indeed!"
In my dream I gave the old hero an egg-and-milk with a little brandy.
Then he sat up, and in a weak, trembling voice, broken with fits of
senile chuckling, he told me about his interview.
"Nick came in just for a chat. He always goes to Henley. He mentioned
the ’Diamonds,’ and guaranteed I should win ’em. He was friendly as you
please, and hoped I’d had a good time, and didn’t regret my bargain.
"Then I told him of my visit to the lawyers, rapped out at him for a
blundering, unbusiness-like ass, got the agreement out, went through it
with him, and showed him what he’d really done. He was fairly mad, but
he couldn’t get away from facts. I said:
"’The point lies in a nutshell. There’ll be nothing of me left to go
anywhere; and even you cannot arrange for the eternity of a non-existent
being, can you?’
"He had to admit he couldn’t. He was properly cross. He tore the
agreement to little pieces, and stamped on it. He argued some time with
me, and pointed out a fact that I had fully grasped already. He said:
"’Yes, it’s pretty clear I’ve over-reached myself. My fiendish
conceit’s always tripping me up. I ought to have got my lawyers to help
me; but I thought I could thrash a simple thing like that out alone.’
"He said that much, and then I made some satirical remark which stung
him, for he turned on me, about as short and nasty as they make ’em, and
said:
"’Blest if I know what _you_ want to snigger for! You don’t seem to
realise what a unique fix you’re in. You _won’t go anywhere_ now!
That’s what’s the matter with you. Nothing to chortle about, I should
think?’
"’I’m not chortling at that,’ I answered, ’I’m merely smiling a bit to
see you getting so warm. You’d better listen to reason and leave the
past alone. Is there any way out of this? Of course, I want to go
somewhere. I’ve got a strong objection to becoming extinct. How would
you like it? I suppose even you would rather hang on where you are than
be blotted out altogether.’
"’We can’t get away from a signed agreement,’ he said sulkily.
"Yes we can, if we draw out another, cancelling the first,’ I answered.
"’No more writing for me,’ he said.
"’Well, then, let us have an oral understanding,’ I suggested.
"’I’ll entertain any proposal in reason,’ he replied.
"But, of course, I was unprepared with suggestions. The interview had
been sprung upon me, and I had not bestowed a moment’s thought upon
preparations.
"’You’re in a fix, I know,’ he remarked, ’a mere temporal quandary, only
involving certain ladies and so forth, but still troublesome so far as
it goes. I might do this; I might quash all these earthly suits by the
simple expedient of restoring you to your real age. As it is, you will
upset a good many of them, because old Bangley-Brown, for instance, is
on the look-out for a man of seventy-five; and the publican’s daughter,
Marie Rogers, expects a man of five-and-forty or fifty. But, by
returning to the ripe old age of one hundred-and-eight, you reduce the
whole series of proceedings to a farce, and leave the different police
courts and places without a stain on your character. In any case, you
can only live one year more, but the difference is this: that if you go
on as you’re going, you go out altogether; whereas, if you consent to my
alternative, you’ll die in your bed, and have a future.’
"As you may imagine, Martha, I grew very excited.
"’A future--where?’ I enquired, in my dream.
"Exactly. Where? There’s the rub," grandfather answered. "I asked
Nick the same question, and he said:
"’I wonder you can inquire. If you’ve got any sense of justice or
gratitude, you ought to feel the extent of your debt and not hesitate to
pay it. In any case, whatever your private ambitions may be, your past
record is such that, if you go anywhere at all, your destination is
practically determined.’
"I did not argue upon this point," continued grandfather, "feeling it
would be better tact to slur it over, and leave a loop-hole, but he held
me to it, and finally got me to promise that I would never attempt to
reform or amend my ways during the last year of my life. He insisted
all the time that it would not alter the result, but I could see, from
his great anxiety upon the point, that he knew there might be plenty of
opportunity for me to turn over a new leaf, and make a good end, if I
chose to do so. However, I promised him to lead as abandoned and
dissolute a life as could be expected from a man of one hundred and
eight, so we effected the compromise. He was nervous about it to the
last, but felt it to be the only way out of the _cul-de-sac_ his own
stupidity had placed him in. Then the change was made. I went to sleep
a boy and woke as you find me. I’m all here, but stiff about the legs,
and deucedly rheumatic. Go out and get me a tall hat and some black,
ready-made clothes, and some easy felt boots and a few walking sticks,
and the strongest spectacles you can buy. Then I’ll get up."
So ended my clear grandpapa’s astounding statement, but my dream went
on. I made him some bread-and-milk, fed him with it, and then hurried
out to purchase necessaries.
The world, had turned upside down for me. I expected the newspaper boys
to be yelling out "Failure of the New Scheme!"
*CHAPTER XXII.*
_*THE DWINDLING OF GRANDPAPA.*_