A SWEET COUPLE.
The very emphatic and somewhat vulgar expression of Mr Planner, was by
no means ill-chosen to express the character of Augustus Theodore
Brammel. He had been lovingly spoiled from his cradle--humoured and
ruined with the most praiseworthy care and perseverance. His
affectionate parents had studiously neglected the few goodly shoots
which the youth had brought into the world with him, and had embarked
all their energies in the cultivation of the weeds that grew noxious and
numerous around the unhappy boy's heart. His mother lived to see her
darling expelled from Eton--the father to see much worse, and yet not
the worst that the hopeful one was doomed to undergo. Gross vices, if
not redeemed, are rendered less hideous by intellectual power and
brilliancy. Associated with impotency and ignorance, they are disgusting
beyond expression. Augustus Brammel was the most sensual and
self-engrossed of men--the most idle and dissipated; and, as if these were
not enough to render him an object of the deepest aversion, he was as
self-willed, thick-headed, overbearing a dunce as ever moved a man to
that contempt "which wisdom holds unlawful ever;" and Brammel was not
only a fool, but a conceited, upstart, irritating fool. He considered
himself the shrewdest of mortals, and presumed to dictate, to be
impertinent, to carry matters with a high hand and a flourish. As for
modesty, the word was not in his dictionary. He had never known its
meaning; and therefore, perhaps, in justice is not to be blamed for the
want of it. Augustus, being a great blusterer, was of course a low
coward. He bullied, oppressed, and crushed the helpless and the weak,
who were avenged as often as he cowered and sneaked beneath the look of
the strong and the brave. The companions and friends of such creatures
as Brammel, are generally selected from the lower grades of life. The
tone of feeling found amongst the worst members of these classes,
harmonizes with their own. They think the like thoughts, talk the same
language. They are led to them by the true Satanic impulse, for it is
their triumph to reign in hell--their misery to serve in heaven.
Flattered by the dregs and refuse of society, they endeavour to forget
that they are avoided, spurned, trodden on, by any thing higher. Just
when it was too late to profit by the discovery, old Brammel found out
his mistake; and then he sagaciously vowed, that if his time were to
come over again, he would educate his boy in a very different manner.
His first attempt had certainly been a failure. Augustus had been
rusticated at the university; he had run away from his home; he had
committed all kinds of enormity. He had passed weeks in the sinks of
London, and had been discovered at last by his heartbroken parent
amongst the stews of Shadwell, in a fearful state of disease and
destitution. Years were passed in proceedings of this nature, and every
attempt at recovery proved abortive and useless. His debts had been
discharged a dozen times, and on every occasion under a solemn
engagement that it should be the last. When Brammel senior signed the
deed of partnership on behalf of his son, the latter, as I have already
said, was in Oxford, having returned to the university only a month
before, at the termination of his period of banishment. Whilst the
father was engaged in publishing the imaginary virtues of his son to
most admiring listeners, the promising youth himself was passing his
days in the very agreeable society of Miss Mary Anne Waters, the eldest
daughter of the cook of his college--a young lady with some pretension
to beauty, but none whatever to morality, being neither more nor less
than Mr Augustus Brammel's very particular and _chere amie_. The letter
which arrived with the unwelcome intelligence of the arrangement, found
the charming pair together. A specimen of their discourse at the time,
will show the temper with which the communication was received.
"I sha'n't go," ejaculated the youth. "I can't be nailed down to a desk.
What business had the old man to do any thing without me? Why can't he
mind his own affairs? He's old and ugly enough. It's cursed impudence in
him, and that's a fact."
"Oh ducky!" interposed Miss Mary Anne, with a rueful face, "I know how
it will be. You'll have to go home for good, and you won't think of me
no more."
"Don't you bother yourself. I sha'n't do any thing of the kind. If I go
home, Molly, you go with me."
"Do you mean it, dear bless-ed?"
"Don't I? that's all. I say it is blasted impertinent in the old man,
and I shall tell him so. I shall have blunt enough when his toes are up.
What is the good of working for more?"
"Oh dear me, bless-ed!"
"What is the matter, old girl?"
"If you should ever forget me!"
"Don't you fear."
"I should hang myself up to the bedpost with my garters. I know I
should. Don't leave me, there's a dear ducky."
"Well, haven't I said I won't?"
"Ah, you think you won't, dear bless-ed!"
"I tell you I won't."
"Yes, but when they get you up, they'll just be trying to marry you to
some fine rich woman; and I am sure she won't know how to take care of
you as I do. They ain't brought up to air and mend linen, to darn
stockings, and to tack on shirt-buttons. They'll never suit you, ducky."
"Catch me marrying a fine woman, Moll!"
"Ha, won't you though, bless-ed? Oh, dear me!" Mary Anne burst into
tears.
"What's the matter, Moll, now?"
"Oh, dear ducky! I wish I was an honest woman. I might go every where
with you, and not be ashamed of it either; and I do love you so. I shall
die if you leave me--I know I shall!"
"But I won't leave you."
"Oh, there's a ducks! But you know what you promised me, Tiddy dear?"
"Yes, I know, Molly, and I'll keep my word with you. If father makes a
partner of me, he shall make partners of both of us."
"No, do you mean it though?"
"Haven't I said it, you stupid?"
"Yes, you dear ducks of diamonds! You do look so handsome this morning!
And when shall it be? If you are to go to this business, the sooner the
better, you know, darling. Oh, I shall be so happy!"
Happy or not, the lady was at least successful. In the course of a week
Mary Anne Waters became extinct, and from her ashes rose the
surprizingly fine, and surpassingly vulgar, Mrs Augustus Brammel.
Augustus, notwithstanding his vapoury insubjection, visited his father
and the partners in the bank, leaving his bride in snug lodgings at a
respectable distance from all. He remained a few days at the
banking-house, and then absented himself on the plea of finally
arranging his incompleted affairs in Oxford and elsewhere. He had
engaged to return to business at the end of a month. Nearly three had
passed away, and no tidings whatever had been heard of him. Allcraft, as
it has been seen, grew anxious--less perhaps for his partner's safety,
than for the good name and credit of the firm. He had heard of his
precious doings, and reports of his inauspicious marriage were already
abroad. No wonder that the cautious and apprehensive Michael trembled
somewhat in his state of uncertainty. As for Mr Augustus Brammel
himself, the object of his fears, he, in conformity with general custom,
and especially in compliance with the wishes of his wife, had quitted
England on a wedding tour. With five hundred pounds in his purse--a sum
advanced by his father to liquidate his present outstanding
liabilities--he steamed from Dover on the very day that he was supposed
to have reached Oxford for his final arrangements. From Boulogne, he,
his wife, and suite, proceeded to Paris; and there they were, up to
their eyes in the dissipation of that fascinating city, when Allcraft
started on their track, followed them, unwittingly enough, from town to
town, and came upon them at length in the great city itself, and in the
very hotel in which they lodged. It was at night that Michael first
caught sight of the runaway. And where? In a gaming-house, the most
fashionable of the many legalized haunts of devils in which, not many
years since, Paris abounded. Allcraft had entered upon the scene of
iniquity as into a theatre, to behold a sight--the sight of human nature
in its lowest, most pitiable, and melancholy garb; in its hour of
degradation, craziness, and desperation. He had his recreation in such a
spectacle, as men can find their pleasure in the death-struggle of a
malefacter on the gibbet. He came, not to join the miserable throng that
crowded round the tables, exhibiting every variety of low, unhealthy
feeling; nor did he come, in truth, prepared to meet with one in whose
affairs and conduct he had so deep an interest. It was with
inexpressible astonishment and horror that he beheld his colleague, busy
and active amongst the busiest of the crew, venturing rouleau after
rouleau, losing stake upon stake, and growing more reckless and madder
with every new defeat. For a time Michael would not, could not, believe
his own eyes. It was one of the curious resemblances which we meet every
now and then in life: it was any thing but what he dreaded it to be--the
actual presence of Augustus Brammel. Michael retreated to a distant part
of the room, and watched his man. The latter spoke. He used a disgusting
English oath, and flung his last rouleau across the table like a drunken
fiend. The heart of Allcraft grew sick, but still he kept his eye upon
the gamester. Losing his stake, Brammel quitted the apartment, and
retired to a spacious saloon, splendidly furnished. He called for
champagne--drank greedily--finished the bottle--returned to the
gaming-room flushed and feverish--looked at the players savagely, but
sottishly, for a few moments, and then left the house altogether.
Michael was on his heels. The worthy Brammel stopped at many small
public-houses on his road, in each drank off a glass of brandy, and so
went on. Michael had patience, and kept to his partner like a leech. It
was midnight when he found himself once more before his hotel.
Brammel had rung at the porter's bell, and gained admittance. A quarter
of an hour afterwards Allcraft followed his example. Before he retired
to rest he learnt that Brammel and himself were inmates of the same
house. About eleven o'clock on the following morning, Augustus quitted
his dressing-room. Michael had been waiting some hours for this
operation. A few minutes afterwards Mr Brammel's servant announced a
visitor. Great was the consternation of Augustus Brammel when Mr Michael
Allcraft looked him in the face. First the delinquent turned very white,
like a guilty man--then his colour returned to him, and he tried to
laugh like an innocent and careless one; but he was not so happy in the
second instance. As a third experiment, he smoothed his hair with his
fingers--pointed to a chair--and held out his hand. Mrs Brammel was at
the breakfast table, reading an English newspaper.
"Ah! Mr Allcraft--glad to see you--glad to see you. Out on the same
business, eh? Nothing like it--first weeks of marriage are
delightful--there's nothing like a honey-moon on the Continent to my
thinking. Mrs Brammel, my wife--Mr Allcraft, my partner, my dear."
Mrs Brammel looked up from her newspaper and giggled.
"I cannot tell you, Mr Brammel," said Allcraft in a serious tone, "how
surprised I am to find you here. Are you aware, sir, that neither your
father, nor any one of your partners, have the least knowledge of your
movements. You were supposed to be in England. You gave your word to
return to business within a month of your departure. You have not
written or given the slightest account of yourself."
"Come, that's very good, Mister. Given an account of myself, indeed!
Pray, whom am I accountable to?"
"To those, sir," replied Allcraft, quickly and angrily, "with whom you
are associated in business, and who have an interest in your good
conduct--who suffer by your acts, and will be blamed for your folly and
indiscretion."
"Come, I say, that's all very fine in you, Mr Allcraft; but what brings
you here, I should like to know? Haven't I as much right to bring my
wife to Paris as you have? Give and take, if you please"----
"No, bless-ed," sagely and sarcastically interposed Mrs Brammel, "I
ain't so rich as Mrs Allcraft; I can't dress so fine; we ain't sich
gentle-folks"----
"Mr Brammel, pray let us have no more recrimination. I have met you here
by the merest chance. It is my duty to speak to you at once, and very
seriously, on your position. You are mistaken if you suppose that my own
pleasure has brought me here; business--important, weighty business--is
the sole cause, I can assure you."
"_Ally--ally_," answered Brammel with a knowing leer, attempting a
little _facetiae_ in French.
"I tell you the truth, sir," continued Michael, reddening with anger,
"and I warn you in good time to look to yourself, and to your course of
conduct. You may bring infamy upon yourself, as you have brought sorrow
and anguish upon the head of your aged father; but you shall not with
impunity involve and disgrace others who are strangers to you, although
unfortunately connected with you by their occupation. Depend upon it,
you shall not."
"My aged father, as you call him, didn't stump up all that money, I'm
thinking, Mr Allcraft, to bind me apprentice. Perhaps you'd like to kick
me next. I am as much a partner in that concern as you are; and if I
think proper to take my lady abroad, I am at liberty to do it as well as
you. You ain't the first man because you married a rich widow, and
because your name begins with A. Certainly not, monsweer."
"In course not, bless-ed. Besides, ducky, your name begins with B--and
that's A's next door neighbour."
"You shall take your own course, sir," proceeded Michael; "but it shall
be at your own peril, and with your eyes opened. It is my part to give
you good counsel. I shall do so. You may act as you then think fit."
"I haven't done any thing to disgrace you, as you call it. It is cursed
impudent in you to say so."
"You have. You disgraced yourself and me, and every one associated with
you, only last night, when you were pleased to exhibit to the world as a
public gamester. (Augustus Theodore changed colour.) You see that your
actions are observed; they will become more so. The house shall not lose
its good name through your misconduct, sir. Assure yourself of that.
There are means to rid ourselves of a nuisance, and to punish severely,
if we choose to use them."
"What do you mean by punish?" asked Augustus, unfeignedly alarmed by his
partner's threat, and yet not liking to be bullied. "Don't you insult
me, sir, in my own room; better not, I can tell you."
"Pshaw, you are an idiot;" exclaimed Michael most contemptuously.
"I'll just thank you to go, sir, and not call my husband names," said
Mrs Brammel, rising from her chair. "You are a nasty ill-bred fellow,
I'm sure. Talk of high people! I never see sich airs in all my life. If
your wife ain't no better behaved, there's a nice pair of you, I don't
think. Never mind him, ducky dear--don't you fret. We are as good as
them any day. Let's go up stairs, there's a bless-ed. Call the
_garsoon_."
Poor Michael knew not what step to take, what language to employ, in
order to effect his purpose. He could not think of quitting Paris,
leaving his partner behind him, open to the seductions of the city, and
eager to avail himself of every license and indulgence. He had hoped to
frighten him into better behaviour, and perhaps he would have succeeded
but for the presence of the lady, whose appearance and demeanour, more
than any thing else, confounded and annoyed him. He remained silent for
a few seconds, and then, in a quieter tone, he asked Brammel when he
really thought of getting back to business.
"Why, very soon," replied the youth, himself reduced to civility by
Michael's more peaceful aspect; "and I should have been back before now,
if I hadn't been bothered about a lot of things. If you hadn't come in
blustering, I should have told you so. I shall be all right enough,
don't you fear, when I get home. I promised father I should settle, and
so I mean--but a wedding trip is a wedding trip, and ladies mustn't be
baulked."
"Certainly not," answered Allcraft, grateful for as much as this--"then,
when do you think of reaching home?"
"Oh, before you, I'll wager! We haven't got much more to see. We went to
the Jordan de Plants yesterday. We are going to the Pantheon to-morrow.
We shall soon get done. Make your mind easy."
"As soon as you have visited these places, I am to understand, then,
that you return to business?"
"Exactly so."
"And may I venture to intreat you to abstain from visiting the
gambling-house again?"
"Oh, don't you worry yourself! If you had only spoken at first like a
gentleman, I should have promised you without being asked."
"Both you and Mrs Brammel must see, I am sure, the very great propriety
of avoiding all such scenes."
"Yes," answered Mary Anne; and then repeating her husband's words, "but
if you had only spoken at first like a gentleman!"
"Perhaps I was too hasty, madam. It is a fault that I have. We shall
understand one another much better for the future. You will be at home
in about--ten days we'll say, from the present time, at latest."
"Oh, don't fix days, I never could bear it! We shall be all right. Will
you stay breakfast?"
Michael excused himself, and, having done all that was permitted him,
departed. With a sad spirit he encountered his lady, and with gloomy
forebodings his mind was filled that day. Augustus Brammel was destined
to be his thorn, his trial, and his punishment. He could see it already.
His house, otherwise so stable, so promising, and so prosperous, would
receive a mortal blow from this one threatening point. It must be warded
off. The hurtful limb must by degrees be got away. He must, from this
time forward, engage himself in its removal. It was, after all, a
consolation to have met the pair, and to have succeeded so far in
frightening them home again, as he fully believed he had. For a time at
least, he conceived that Brammel was still safe. This conviction gave
him courage, and carried him on his road to Lyons, with a heart not
altogether ill at ease, and without good hope. In the meanwhile Mrs
Brammel had inveighed, in the most unmeasured terms, against the
insolent behaviour of Mr Allcraft, the pride and arrogance of his wife,
whom she had never seen--the marked, unpardonable insult she had offered
her in not accompanying Allcraft on his visit; and had succeeded, in
short, in effectually driving from her husband's mind the little good
effect which had been produced by the partner's just remonstrance.
Ignorant and vulgar as she was, the woman had unbounded influence and
power. How much, may be guessed from the fact, that before Michael
Allcraft was ten miles on his journey to Lyons, she had prevailed upon
her husband to draw his first cheque upon his house to the tune of
L.500, and to prolong their holiday by visiting in succession the south
of France, Switzerland, and Italy. The fool, after an inane resistance,
consented; his cheque was converted to money--the horses were
ordered--and on they dashed.