[Illustration]
Let us return for a space to the two spirits William and James, whose
conversations we described in past numbers. Some readers may possibly
recall how the spirit James, while wandering through the darkness of
unoccupied Space (about five-and-twenty billions of eons before the
commencement of Eternity), conceived a wild idea of the possibility of
the existence of worlds--worlds occupied by an impracticability called
"man." It will be recollected how the wiser spirit William cast
well-merited ridicule upon this insanely impossible phantasy of a
disordered mind; nay, even condescended to crush, by perspicuous and
irrefutable logic, the grotesque and preposterous idea.
Very well; it is now William's turn.
"James," he said one day as they chanced to sight each other in the
awful solitude of Space, "I have been thinking over that world of yours,
and your crowning absurdity, 'man.' Pray do not become too inflated with
weak conceit at my condescending to think about such trivialities; for
the fact is, any subject of thought--however hopelessly foolish--is a
relief amid the tediousness of Space. Well, I have been reflecting upon
that characteristic which you conceive as distinguishing your puppet
'man'--I allude to _intelligence_. I think you suggested that he would
possess intelligence?"
James only fidgeted uneasily, and made a feeble sign of affirmation.
"Very well," continued William. "Now, I have been putting two and two
together, and have found out the nature of that quality which you
mistake for intelligence; its true name is 'low cunning.' Every fresh
piece of absurdity which you have told me touching the tricks of your
queer creatures has supplied new evidence of this. Your creatures were
to feed upon the substance of the 'world' on which they lived, and, ever
increasing in numbers, would logically in course of time find there was
not a mouthful apiece. I think we agreed about that? Well, let us
consider that period, some time before the creatures should actually
become exterminated by the natural evolution of events--the time when
all the eatable products of their world would be growing scarce. You
went so far as to imagine a great many products----"
"Yes!" said James, gazing afar off in the absorption of his imagination.
"Yes--there were eggs, and oysters, and poultry, and mushrooms, and----"
"Ah!--the very things I've been reflecting about. Well, I've been
dreaming that, at the period of which I speak, when all the commodities
were becoming scarce, your human beings would agree to make poisonous
artificial articles of consumption with which to poison themselves by
degrees, and thus reduce the population to convenient limits."
"No!" cried James, pondering deeply. "Their idea would be to poison not
_themselves_, but _each other_!"
[Illustration: "POISON."]
"Ah! I see. Then they would make some sort of effort to prevent
themselves being poisoned?"
"Oh, yes; they would pass Adulteration Acts for the purpose."
"I see; and any creature who did not wish to be poisoned could take
advantage of these Acts to protect himself?"
"Certainly. The Acts would be very stringent. Let us suppose, for
example, that a certain man suspected that the butter supplied to him
was not butter at all, but a deleterious compound--well, all he would
have to do would be to go to the shop, accompanied by a guardian of the
peace, and, standing on one leg, with both hands on the counter and one
eye shut, order a pound of the butter in certain words prescribed by the
Act. He would then say to the tradesman, 'I am about to divide this
pound of butter into three equal portions for the purposes of analysis';
and, taking the butter-man's knife in his left hand, and passing it to
his right, would cut the butter into three portions exactly equal.
"After this, hermetically sealing the three portions in three jars
provided for the purpose, he would hand one jar to the tradesman, the
second to the guardian of the peace, and retain the third. Then he would
bring an action; and (provided that all the conditions had been
accurately fulfilled, without the slightest flaw) the erring tradesman
would be told by the Court not to do it again; while the complainant
would have to pay all costs, and possibly a fine; and would be sneered
at by the magistrate as a fussy idiot and a common informer.
"If, on the other hand, the complainant should omit to secure the
company of a custodian of the peace, or fail to stand on one leg with
both hands on the counter, or take the knife in his right hand first, or
should leave out the prescribed words, or blink his eye, or stammer, or
sneeze, or in any other way fail to observe the regulations of the Act;
he would, of course, have no case or remedy. The Adulteration Acts would
be extremely stringent----"
"Against the victim of adulteration?"
"Ye--es," murmured James, a little nonplussed.
[Illustration: "THE SHOP."]
"Ah--well, then, I think we can afford to ignore these Adulteration
Acts--like the adulterators and the public authorities would--and
proceed with the question of the adulteration. I had a most vivid vision
or dream of the details of this adulteration as they would be carried
out on your world at the period we are now considering. I imagined that
I was actually in a part of your world called 'America,' and that one of
your human beings politely invited me to walk through his factory and
see how things were made. I think you mentioned 'oysters'----"
[Illustration: "NO CASE."]
"Yes," said James, "that's one name the article of food would possess;
newspaper writers, however, would not recognise them by that name--they
would only know them as 'the succulent bivalve.'"
"The very idea!" exclaimed William. "That's exactly what I seemed to
have become--a newspaper writer. I fancied I went to see the factory,
and then sent in the following account:--
"One of the most interesting factories in America is the stately
building of the Ephraim Q. Knickerbocker Natural Products Manufacturing
Corporation, of Spread Eagle Springs, N.J. That the structure is itself
an imposing one may well be imagined in view of the vast productive
energy expended within its walls; and the feebleness and inefficiency of
the productive operations of Nature are never so fully realized as after
a visit to this marvellous factory, and a comparison of the two systems.
"It was, therefore, with no little satisfaction that we lately received
a courteous invitation from the able and energetic managing director
General Sardanapalus J. Van Biene to inspect the operations of the
Corporation at its factory. Accordingly, we proceeded to the New York
terminus of the Natural Products Manufacturing Corporation's New York,
Sumner Ferry, Thanksgiving Flats, and Spread Eagle Springs Railroad,
along which a special train speedily whirled us to the front door of the
works. On the steps stood the genial managing director, supported by the
principal manager Colonel Exodus V. Rooster, the head chemist Major
Madison B. Jefferson, and the assistant chemists Judge Vansittart J.
Sumner and Admiral Hudson W. Killigrew.
"They received us with open arms, and, after entertaining us at a
_recherché_ lunch, conducted us to the chemistry and analysis section
occupying a little over seventeen acres and employing a permanent staff
of thirteen thousand four hundred and thirty-two, assistants, among whom
are chemists, microscopists, sub-inventors, etc., etc. There it is that
the productive operations of Nature are studied and improved upon.
"'You must not imagine that we have any kind of sympathy or admiration
for Nature's system,' explained General S. J. Van Biene, hastening to
sweep away any false impression which we might have formed.
[Illustration: "THEY RECEIVED US WITH OPEN ARMS."]
"'On the contrary, we just entirely despise her and her ways, and should
have discarded her way back but for the prejudices of the consuming
public. It's just like this--the consumers still believe in natural
products, and so we have to go on reproducing them instead of starting
right away on our own lines and bringing out new and original
commodities far in advance of anything Nature can do. How we're
stultified you'll see as we work through. We just have to copy, anyway,
in place of originating. We make oysters, for example. Now quite a while
ago, our head chemist Major Madison B. Jefferson invented a new edible
way, finer in every essential than the oyster; but the consumers
wouldn't have it: they shied at it, and declared it wasn't wholesome;
and we had the whole stock on our hands, and had to vat it down again,
and recolour it, and make tomatoes of it. Then they took it down and
just chaired it round. Of course, we have to say we _grow_ the
products--that's another effect of popular prejudice; if we had said we
made those tomatoes, the public would have started right off again, and
talked of "adulteration," although our tomatoes whip Nature's by 50 per
cent, in all the elements of nutrition and flavour. Just taste this
one.'
"We hesitated, and the director, perceiving it, promptly consumed
another from the same case. Thus reassured, we ventured to nibble at the
artificial vegetable, and found it excellent in every respect--decidedly
superior to the natural product, as he had stated.
"'But,' we asked, 'do you not suffer considerable losses when these
products--necessarily perishable in the natural course of things--begin
to decay?'
[Illustration: "JUST TASTE THIS ONE."]
"'That's just another point where we show our superiority to Nature.
_Our_ products _don't_ decay; on the contrary, they improve by keeping.
Here is a tomato seven years old,' he continued, taking down another
case. 'Try it.'
"We did. The other was not to be compared with it. The older tomato had
matured and mellowed, the skin having a finer colour and lovelier gloss,
the flesh possessing a firmer body and more delicate flavour; it was far
in advance of any tomato we had ever conceived.
"'Wonderful!' we exclaimed.
"'A very simple matter,' said the director. 'All that is required is a
thorough mastery of chemistry. In all our goods we employ a special
patent preservative of our own, which is naturally a secret. We
calculate it to be worth one hundred and fifty quadrillions of dollars.
"'But let us show you how we make oysters! See, these are the tanks
which contain the mixture--the compound which forms the body of the
bivalve. This tank contains the beard-mixture; and this one the
gristle.'
"'And what are the principal ingredients?'
"'Glue, made from horses' heels. This is a very important factor in our
products. This glue, after undergoing a peculiar treatment which
prevents its hardening and losing its elasticity in the course of years,
is flavoured and coloured in various ways. This great tank contains the
composition for the internal parts of the oyster--nearly black, you
perceive; that tank over there contains the compound for the flesh that
covers the internal parts; that tank farther along holds the beard
mixture; and the one beyond that the gristle which attaches the oyster
to the shell. First, the flesh of the oyster is run into moulds, each
oyster being in two parts; then the inside of the animal is run into
another mould, and the two halves of the body are automatically placed
around it and cemented together.
"'Meanwhile the beards have been rolled, stamped, frilled, and coloured
along the edge by special automatic machinery. The body of the oyster
then passes to the fixing-up room, where the beard is cemented to it by
hand, and finishing touches of colour added; and then it passes along
and has the gristle attached: and the oyster itself is complete.'
[Illustration: The Oyster Factory Affixing the Beards.]
"'But it wants a shell!'
"'Just so. As far as the supply will go, we buy up old shells from
dustyards and use them; but most of them are damaged by previous
opening, so we make the bulk of our shells, and they're a good deal more
natural than the real ones. They're made of lime.'
"'All alike?'
"'Not in the least. You see, we have some thousands of moulds, every one
differing slightly from the rest. There's a special department for
hingeing the two shells together. We had some trouble to find a
substance for the hinge; but at last one of our chemists hit on a way of
subjecting old hide-scraps to a peculiar process, and that did the
thing. The mother-of-pearl is made of a sort of soft glass, somewhat
after the appearance of Venetian glass, and put on the shell hot.
Lastly, the oyster is attached to the shells by its cartilage; a little
liquor is put in, and the shells are closed up.'
"'But surely people must observe that they are not alive?' we said. 'For
instance, they can't open their shells!'
"'That's just where you're astray,' replied the General. 'Owing to the
mechanical action of salt upon the composition of the cartilage, the
oyster opens when placed in salt water. Iron, however, exercises an
electro-magnetic influence upon the composition forming the body of the
bivalve, causing a sudden contraction--so that, on a knife being
introduced into the shell, the latter closes in the most natural way. We
manufacture pearls on the premises, and advertise that one oyster in
every gross taken from our beds contains a pearl of more or less value;
and there's a greater demand for our oysters than for any others in the
world. Our oyster beds are way down along the coast, about ten miles
off; and are inspected by thousands yearly. Taste this egg.'
[Illustration: The Pearl.]
"He took up a fine specimen of a new-laid egg, and proceeded to break it
into a glass. It was a delightful egg. 'That's our latest pattern of
egg,' explained the General, 'You perceive that it has three lines
around it, where the substance of the shell is weaker than elsewhere;
the lines near each end enable a person about to consume the egg in a
boiled state to easily cut off the top or bottom with a knife, or run
his nail around it; while the line about the middle greatly assists
cooks in breaking it into a basin. There is also a thin spot at either
end, to facilitate sucking. These eggs are always new-laid; we send tons
to Europe, particularly to Great Britain, where ours are the only fresh
eggs they ever get.'
[Illustration: The London Egg]
"'But you must find some difficulty in making an egg?'
"'Just as easy as smiling. The white is simply jelly-fish subjected to a
chemical process--jelly-fish aren't costly. This tank is full of the
liquor. The main ingredient of the yolk is the horse-heel glue mentioned
before; we also boil down vast quantities of rats--they come cheap, too;
it's only the cost of catching them; and then there's a vegetable
colouring, and the preservative, and a few other trifles. First, the two
halves of the white are made in two moulds, and frozen; then the two
frozen halves are frozen together, and the yolk-mixture poured in
through a small hole, which is then closed. Then comes the skin; and
that is the most expensive part, for it contains a certain quantity of
rubber. We have tried in vain to find a substitute for rubber, but
failed hitherto. The rubber is mixed with a gum from a South American
tree, and the mixture is applied with a brush over the frozen egg; and
then the egg, still frozen, is dipped in a lime composition very nearly
identical with the oyster-shell mixture; and, lastly, the whole thing is
passed through the finishing machine, which turns the three thin lines
and the two thin spots, imitates the pores of the shell, and delivers
the finished egg to the warehouse.'
"'Marvellous!' we involuntarily exclaimed.
"'Oh, that's nothing at all,' said the director. 'We're meditating
turning out eggs that will hatch and become fowls. At present we have to
manufacture fowls; but we calculate to make a great saving by producing
them from the eggs we make. That building over yonder is the terrapin
factory; we turn out eleven tons of terrapin weekly. We make clams, of
course--in the oyster department. In this next house we make kidneys and
sweetbreads. Fruit? Oh, yes, we turn out masses of fruit; peaches pay
best, but we do very well with nuts.'
"We were then conducted to the show-room, where we tasted a number of
other products of the wonderful factory; and we had just said a grateful
farewell to our courteous guide, when we were seized with pains of the
most acute description.
* * * * *
[Illustration: The Pain.]
"The arrangements of the hospital were admirable. The kindliness and
attention we received made our five years' sojourn there a time to look
back upon with feelings of gratitude. We are assured that, with strict
diet and unremitting care, we may last some time yet--possibly even
three months."
* * * * *
"It was a marvellous vision," said James, fervently, as the voice of
William ceased. "Surely after that you must think better of those beings
of mine?"
But William merely sniffed.