If the gentle reader, full of a general desire for knowledge and a
particular enthusiasm for natural history, will refer to any one of the
great standard works on birds, and, turning to the index, seek for the
family title of the Conkaves, I have every hope and confidence that he
will not find it; because, as a matter of fact, it is a little invention
of my own, and, I may modestly urge, rather a neat thing in scientific
nomenclature, on the whole. It has the advantage of including in one
family the storks and the pelicans, which in all orthodox books on birds
are planted far apart and out of sight of each other, with many orders,
tribes, and families between. Under my title they are gathered amicably
together in the common possession of very long bills, like two tailors
on a man's doorstep. The word is derived, in the proper and regular
manner, from ancient sources; from _conk_, a venerable Eastern word,
signifying a nose or beak, and the Latin _avis_, a bird. And I offer
the term freely as my humble, but I trust useful, contribution to
science; my first contribution.
The stork is regarded, in many countries, with a certain
semi-superstitious reverence and esteem. After many prolonged and
serious attempts to saturate myself with a similar feeling, I regret to
confess to a certain smallness of esteem for the stork. You can't esteem
a bird that makes ugly digs at your feet and heels with such a very big
beak. Out in their summer quarters the storks are kept in by close wire,
and close wire will give an air of inoffensiveness to most things. But,
away in a by-yard, with a gate marked "private," there stands a shed
wherein the storks are kept warm in winter, behind wooden bars; and
between these bars stork-heads have a way of dropping at the toes of the
favoured passer-by, like to action of a row of roadmen's picks.
[Illustration: PICKS AND CHEWS.]
The stork has come off well in the matter of bodily endowment. The
pelican has a tremendous beak--achieved, it would seem, by a skimping of
material in the legs; but the stork has the tremendous beak and legs of
surprising growth as well. His wings, too, are something more than
respectable. At flying, at eating, at portentous solemnity of
demeanour--in all these and in other things the pelican and the stork
score fairly evenly; but at walking the pelican is left behind at once.
This makes one suspect the stork's honesty. The pelican has a good beak
and wings, and pays for them, like an honest bird, out of its legs, just
as the ostrich pays for its neck and legs out of its wings. But the
stork is abnormally lucky in beak, neck, legs, and wings together, and
even then has material left to lay out in superfluous knobs and wens to
hang round its neck, which leads to a suspicion that many of its
personal fittings belong properly to some other bird. I've a notion that
the unlucky kiwi might identify some of the property.
[Illustration: THE PELICAN LEFT.]
[Illustration: ARMY.]
Perhaps the adjutant should be acknowledged king of the conkavians.
Billy, the Zoo adjutant, has, I believe, no doubt on the subject at all.
Billy is an ornament to the military profession--a very fine fellow,
with a thing on the back of his neck like a Tangerine orange, and a wen
on the front of it, which he can blow out whenever he wants to amuse
himself, and everything else handsome about him. He is an old soldier,
too, is Billy, having been Adjutant of the Regent's Park Conkavian Corps
for seventeen years; but if you knew nothing of his age, still you would
call Billy an old soldier--upon a little acquaintance with his habits.
[Illustration: LAW.]
There seems no valid reason why the professional aspirations of the
stork should be restricted to the army. If an adjutant, why not a dean?
Why not a proctor? There is the making of a most presentable don about a
stork; and I have caught a stork in an attitude of judicial meditation
that might do honour to any bench. There is no reason why "sober as a
judge" should not be made to read "sober as a stork," except that the
stork is the more solemn creature of the two; and I think that some
species of stork--say the marabou, for instance--might fairly claim
brevet rank as judge, after the example of the adjutant. The elevation
of a beak to the bench might be considered an irregular piece of legal
procedure; but, bless you, it's nothing unusual with a stork. Put any
bench with something to eat on it anywhere within reach of a stork's
beak in this place, and you shall witness that same elevation, precedent
or no precedent.
[Illustration: UNIVERSITIES.]
A common white stork hasn't half the solid gravity of an adjutant or a
marabou. He has a feline habit of expressing his displeasure by blowing
and swearing--a habit bad and immoral in a cat, but worse in a stork
accustomed to Church. Church, by-the-bye, is the keeper of all the
conkavians, as well as of the herons, the flamingoes, the ibises, the
egrets, and a number of other birds with names more difficult to spell.
It is impossible to treat disrespectfully a man with such widespread
responsibilities as this, or there might be a temptation to mention that
he is not an unusually high Church, although his services are not always
simple, often involving a matter of doctorin'. But, then, some people
will say anything, temptation or none. And after all, it is pleasant to
know that, whatever a stork or a pelican wants, he always goes to
Church.
[Illustration: SWEARING.]
[Illustration: CHURCH.]
This being the case, there is a proverb about cleanliness that makes one
wonder why the marabou stork doesn't wash himself. It isn't as though he
never wanted it. I have a horrible suspicion about this philosophic old
sloven. I believe his profession of philosophic contemplation is
assumed, because it is the easiest excuse for indolence. Now, a pelican
is not a bird of graceful outline, but he _is_ careful about his
feathers. The pelican is a scrupulous old Dutchman, and the stork is an
uncleanly old Hindu. And uncleanly he must be left, for it takes a deal
to shame a stork. You can't shame a bird that wraps itself in a
convenient philosophy. "Look here--look at me!" you can imagine a
pelican cleanliness-missionary saying to the stork. "See how white and
clean I keep all my feathers!" "Um," says the stork, "it only makes 'em
a different colour." "But observe! I just comb through my pinions with
my beak, so, and they all lie neat and straight!" "Well, and what's the
good of that?" grunts the stork. "And then you see," says the pelican,
ignoring the question, "with a good long beak you can reach everywhere,
over your back and under your wings; see, I'm as clean under my wings as
anywhere else, although it's covered up!" "Beastly vanity," growls the
old Hindu, getting bored. "Then," continues the Dutchman, "you give
yourself a good shake, and there you are!" "And then," says the
philosopher sarcastically, "to-morrow, I suppose, you'll have to do it
all over again?" "Of course!" "Oh! I hate a fool!" says the stork, and
closes the lecture.
[Illustration]
Thus the marabou. The ordinary white stork is comparatively respectable,
and so is the adjutant--or comparatively almost respectable, let us say;
you can't be too cautious in giving a personal character to a stork.
For long, long, the stork has enjoyed a reputation for solemn wisdom,
for philosophical dignity. Now for the first time I venture to question
this reputation--to impeach the stork as a humbug. It is easy to achieve
a reputation for profound and ponderous wisdom, so long as one looks
very solemn and says nothing. This is the stork's recipe. Go up to Billy
here, or one of the marabous, as he stands with his shoulders humped up
about his head, and make a joke. He won't see it. He will lift his
eyebrows with a certain look of contempt, and continue to
cogitate--about nothing. If the joke is a very bad pun--such a frightful
pun that even a stork will see and resent it--perhaps he will chatter
his beak savagely, with a noise like the clatter of the lid on an empty
cigar-box; but he will continue his sham meditations. "Ah, my friend,"
he seems to say, "you are empty and frivolous--I cogitate the profounder
immensities of esoteric cogibundity." The fact being that he is very
seedy after his previous night's dissipation.
[Illustration]
That is the chief secret of the stork's solemnity, I am convinced. He
has a certain reputation to maintain before visitors, but after hours,
when the gates are shut and the keepers are not there to see, the
marabou stork is a sad dog. I haven't quite made up my mind what he
drinks, but if he has brandies and sodas he leaves out too much soda.
Look at that awful nose! It is long past the crimson and pimply
stage--it is taking a decided tinge of blue. It _looks_ worse than
brandy and soda--almost like bad gin--but we will be as charitable as
possible, and only call it brandy and soda.
I should like to see the marabou stork on his nightly ran-tan, if only
to gloat over his lapse of dignity, just as one would give much to see
Benjamin Franklin with his face blacked, drunk and disorderly and being
locked up. But, as a shocking example, the marabou is quite bad enough
with his awful head in the morning; his awful head and his disreputable
nose, that looks to want a good scraping. I respect Billy, the adjutant,
for his long service and the Tangerine at the back of his neck. The
ordinary stork (although he swears and snaps) I also respect, because
the goody books used to tell pious lies about him. The whale-headed
stork, which is also called the shoe-bird, I respect as a sort of
relative of the shoo-fly that didn't bother somebody. But the marabou
has forfeited all respect--converted it into nose-tint. I must talk to
Church seriously about the marabou.
[Illustration: THE RAN-TAN.]
Now, the pelican is no humbug. There is nothing like concealment about
his little dissipations; and he is perfectly sober. Any little
irregularity at the pelican club just opposite the eastern aviary never
goes beyond a quiet round or two for a little fish dinner. It is quite a
select and a most proper club. Indeed, the first rule is, that if any
loose fish be found on the club premises, he is got rid of at once by
the first member who detects him. And the club spirit is such that
disputes frequently occur among members for the honour of carrying out
this salutary rule. The chairman of the club is an old crested pelican,
who, by some oversight, has never been provided with a private name of
his own. I think he should be called Peter, because he can take such a
miraculous draught of fishes. It _is_ a draught; you know--a pelican
doesn't eat fishes--he drinks them down in bulk. For Peter, a dozen or
so fresh herrings is a mere swill round of the mouth.
[Illustration: A QUIET ROUND OR TWO.]
Peter walks about the club premises with much dignity, deferred to on
all sides by the other members. His kingship is rarely disputed, having
been achieved by the sort of conquest most familiar in the pelican club;
and his divine right is as much respected as his tremendous left.
A pelican never bears malice; he hasn't time, especially now, with
competition so keen in the fish business, and Church's fish pails only
of the ordinary size. There is never any ill-feeling after a little
spar, and each proceeds, in the most amicable way, to steal some other
pelican's fish. A spar at this club, by-the-bye, is a joyous and
hilarious sight. Two big birds with stumpy legs and top-heavy beaks,
solemnly prancing and manoeuvring before one another with an
accompaniment of valiant gobbles and a punctuation of occasional
pecks--a gleesome spectacle.
[Illustration: PETER.]
[Illustration: A SWILL ROUND.]
Another sport much exhibited at the pelican club is that of
the broadsword. The school of fence is that of Mr. Vincent
Crummies--one--two--three--four--over; one--two--three--four--under.
You see, when a dozen or two birds with beaks a couple of feet long or
so get together in a small area, and now and again rush all in the same
direction for fish, fencing is certain to develop, sooner or later. So
here you have it, _secundum artem_--one--two--three--four--over;
one--two--three--four--under; and although none have yet attained the
Crummleian degree of knocking out sparks, there is a deal of hollow
noise, as of thumping on a wooden box. But there is never any
after-malice, and in less than five minutes either combatant will
swallow a fish rightfully belonging to the other, with perfect
affability.
[Illustration]
[Illustration]
[Illustration]
[Illustration]
There is a good deal of the philosopher about the pelican, and of a more
genuine sort than characterizes the stork. The pelican always makes the
best of a bad job, without going into an unnecessary tantrum over it. If
another member of the club snatches a fish first, the pelican doesn't
bother, but devotes his attention to the next that Church throws; a fish
in the pouch is worth a shoal in somebody else's. Now and again Peter
loses his temper for a moment if the others catch the first snack, and
lays about him with his bill--but then, when a fellow's chairman, and a
lot of other fellows come snatching the lunch from under his nose--why,
hang it all, you know.... But it is only for a moment, and Peter is soon
in position for the next pouchful. He is artful about this position.
When Church appears at the rails with a pailful of fish most of the
members rush to those rails, jostle together and shove their beaks
through them and over them--any way to get nearer the pail. But the
chairman knows very well that Church doesn't throw the fish outside the
rails, but into the inclosure, somewhere near the middle; and near the
middle the sagacious Peter waits, to his early profit--unless Church is
unusually slow about throwing the fish, in which case Peter is apt to
let his excitement steal his sagacity, and to rush into the pell-mell,
anxious to investigate the delay.
[Illustration: A LITTLE SOLEING AND HEELING.]
There is a deal of excellent wear in a pelican. One has been here about
thirty years, and two more have been established on the same premises
for a quarter of a century. All these three are in capital working
repair and will probably last, with a patch or two, and a little soleing
and heeling, for a century or two more; no respectable pelican is ever
bowled out for less than three figures.
In the winter the club takes up its quarters in the shed behind the
inclosure; a shed sumptuously furnished with certain benches and forms,
whereon the club stands in rows, with a general appearance of a number
of very solemn naughty boys in a Board school. In winter, too, Church
will often put his bucketful of fish on the ground, so that the club may
dine in a clubbier way. But whether you watch this club feeding together
from the pail, each member doing his best to put away the whole pailful
at a gulp, or whether you observe them playing a sort of greedy game of
lacrosse with fish which Church throws them, you will be equally amazed
that the pelican was used as a symbol of charity and brotherly love in
early and middle Christian art.
[Illustration: SCHOOL.]
[Illustration: CLUB DINNER.]
I have seen a pelican enact a most instructive moral lesson at a
pail-dinner. Observe the bill and pouch of a pelican. The pouch is an
elastic fishing-net, and the lower mandible is a mere flexible frame to
carry it. Now, I have observed a pelican to make a bounce at the
fish-pail, with outspread wings, and scoop the whole supply. But then
his trouble began. The whole catch hung weightily low in the end of the
pouch, and jerk and heave as he might, he could never lift the load at
the end of that long beak sufficiently high to bolt it. Meanwhile, his
friends collected about him and remonstrated, with many flops and
gobbles, betting him all his fish to nothing that he would lose it after
all; this way they chased that bag, and that way, while the bagger, in
much trepidation and with many desperate heaves, wildly sought remote
corners away from his persecutors. Now, by the corner of the club
premises stands an appliance, the emblem of authority, the instrument of
justice, and the terror of the evilly-disposed pelican--a birch-broom.
This, brandished in the hands of Church, caused a sudden and awful
collapse of the drag-nets, an opening, a shower of fish and many snaps;
wherefrom walked away many pelicans with fish, and one with none, who
had looked to take all. The moral is plain to the verge of ugliness.
[Illustration.]
[Illustration.]
[Illustration.]
[Illustration.]
[Illustration.]
A pelican has no tongue--or none to speak of. It is a mere little knob
scarcely the size of a cherry. The long, long meditations of the pelican
(lasting between feeding times) are given up to consideration whether or
not the disgrace of this deficiency is counter-balanced by the greater
capacity for fish which it gives the pouch. After all, it is only
another instance of that commercial honesty which makes the pelican pay
for his beak out of his legs; he gives his tongue for a pouch. There
should be a legend of the pelican applying honestly to Adam to buy a
pouch, and the wily stork waiting and waiting on the chance of snatching
one without paying for it, until all had been served out; afterwards
living all its life on earth in covetous dudgeon, unconsoled by its
wealth of beak, legs, wings, and neck, and pining hopelessly for the
lost pouch. There are many legends of this sort which ought to exist,
but don't, owing to the negligence of Indian solar myth merchants, or
whoever it is has charge of that class of misrepresentation.
[Illustration.]
The pelican can fly, although you would never believe it, to look at the
club members here. To a Zoo pelican a flight of two feet is an
undertaking to be approached with much circumspection and preparation,
and a summoning of resolution and screwing of courage proper to the
magnitude of the feat. It takes a long time to learn to fly on to a
bottom-up bucket. The Zoo pelican begins on a shadow--not a very dark
one at first--and works his way up by jumping over, darker shadows to
straws and pebbles, before he tries a bucket. The accomplished
bucket-jumper makes a long preliminary survey and circumnavigation of
his bucket before performing, and when he does begin it is with a number
of wild rushes and irresolute stops. When at last he gets the proper
length of run, and the right foot in front, and doesn't see anything to
baulk him, he rises with a great effort, and all the lookers-on who
don't know him stare up over the trees, and are astonished to find him,
after all, only on the bucket. His pinions are cut, poor fellow! If they
were not, what would become of the fishmongers' shops?
_Shafts from an Eastern Quiver_.