(_TWO SCENES FROM A FARCICAL TRAGEDY SHOWING THAT SOME OF THE JUDGES’
RECOMMENDATIONS MIGHT BE ADOPTED IMMEDIATELY._)
THE PRESENT (_AS THEY ARE_). SCENE—SOLICITOR’S _PRIVATE ROOM._
SOLICITOR _AWAITING WEALTHY_ CLIENT. CLERK _IN ATTENDANCE._
_Solicitor._ The lady is to be shown in the moment she arrives; and
mind, I am not to be disturbed as long as she is here.
_Clerk._ Yes, Sir. [_Exit._
_Sol._ Quite pleasant way of spending a morning. (_Enter_ Client.) Ah,
my dear lady, and how are you?
_Client._ Very well, thank you; but BOBBY is not so well, and as for
MARY—
[_Enters into long domestic details._
_Sol._ (_in a sympathetic tone_). Dear me! And what has given me the
pleasure of seeing you here to-day?
_Client._ I only looked in to ask you how you thought our suit was
going on?
_Sol._ Oh, capitally! You know, we have had several appointments
before the Chief Clerk in Chambers, and—
[_Enters into long explanation, bristling with
technicalities._
_Client_ (_quite at sea_). Dear me, what a complicated affair a
Chancery suit is! I had no idea we should have to do all this. But
won’t it be very expensive?
_Sol._ (_smiling_). Well, yes; but it will all be paid out of the
estate. You, my dear lady, won’t have to pay anything for it—I mean
out of your own pocket.
_Client._ Oh, that is delightful! Because you see with the carriages
and the opera-box— And that reminds me, I think I shall give up the
opera-box. Do you know last Season the music was magnificent, but
quite too learned. I think— (_Gives her views at great length upon
the Opera, past, present and future. At the end of her remarks_—) But
how I do run on! I am afraid I am taking up your time.
_Sol._ Not at all. I have nothing particular to do, and our interview
comes out of the estate. Now are you sure we can do nothing for you
this morning? The last time you were here we got copies of all the
orders for you. I hope you received them safely.
_Client_ (_laughing_). Why, I do not think I have opened the packet!
I came across a bundle the other day, and could not make out what it
was, and laid it aside, because I saw your name upon it and thought it
must have something to do with that troublesome Chancery suit.
_Sol._ (_laughing_). Well, my dear Madam, that parcel represented
several pounds. However, it doesn’t matter; you won’t have to pay for
it, as it will come out of the estate. And now, what can we do for
you? Have you looked into the accounts carefully?
_Client._ No, and I am rather fond of figures.
_Sol._ Then we will send you a copy for, say, the last five years.
_Client._ Shall I be able to make them out?
_Sol._ You ought to be able to do so, my dear Madam. They will be
prepared by a leading firm of Accountants, and we will check them
ourselves before we send them to you. Is there anything else?
_Client._ No thanks—I think not. And now I must say good-bye. I am
ashamed to take up so much of your valuable time.
_Sol._ Not at all. I shall be amply remunerated out of the estate.
(_Exit_ Client. Solicitor _gives his_ Clerk _the heads for six folios
of a bill of costs, and then observes_—) Not a bad morning’s work!
THE FUTURE (_AS THEY WILL BE_). SCENE—_THE SAME._ SOLICITOR _AND_
CLERK _DISCOVERED._
_Sol._ Now mind, on no account is she to be admitted. She talks about
all sorts of things and takes up my time dreadfully, and now the
Court won’t pass “luxurious costs,” and objects to payment out of the
estate, I can charge nothing. So mind, she is not to be admitted.
_Clerk._ Very good, Sir. [_Exit._
_Sol._ Yes. At my very busiest time, when every moment is valuable!
(_Enter_ Client.) What you, my dear Madam! I really am too busy to
attend to you this morning.
_Client_ (_astonished_). Why you said you were always pleased to see
me!
_Sol._ But that was before the Judges’ recommendations were adopted.
Nowadays we must not let you run up costs until we have explained to
you in writing what you are about. And as all you say will come out
of your own pocket, and not out of the estate, it is only fair to warn
you.
_Client._ What, out of my own pocket! Then I shall be off.
_Sol._ Sorry to give up our pleasant conversations, but they run into
money. (_Exit_ Client, _when the_ Solicitor _shakes his head to the_ Clerk
_who has brought his rough draft of costs, and to which nothing now can
be legally added, and observes_—) Not a good day’s work!
* * * * *
[Illustration: BALANCE OF PROBABILITIES.]
_High Church Lady._ “I SUPPOSE THAT WAS THE LADY CHAPEL BEHIND THE
CHOIR?”
_Low Church Verger._ “I DON’T FANCY THERE’S HANY SUCH ’EREABOUTS, M’M.
I THINK IT WAS ONLY THE PEW-OPENER!”
* * * * *