_(Compiled by an evil-minded enthusiast)_
The shooting could not be more satisfactory _but_ for the customary
"accident."
Everyone would make a "bull" _but_ for the haze and the shiftiness of
the wind.
The catering is in every way excellent, _but_ heavy meals scarcely
assist in getting on the target.
It is delightful to entertain visitors--especially ladies--at the camp,
_but_ champagne-cup and provisions generally run into money.
It is healthy to sleep under canvas, _but_ when the thermometer marks
ninety in the shade or the rain pours down in torrents a bed in an inn
is preferable.
Bisley is a beautiful place, _but_ Woking cemetery is a dismal
neighbour.
Distinctly it is nobly patriotic to spend a fortnight with the N. R. A.,
in the cause of the fatherland, _but_ is it quite worth the trouble?
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Swagger Yeomanry Officer._ "Bring out my charger."
_Job-master's Foreman._ "Very sorry, sir, but e's just gorn to a
funeral!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: HE ALWAYS WONDERED HIMSELF.
(Scene--_General Inspection of Volunteer Battalion. Lieut.
Tompkins--excellent fellow, but poor soldier--called out to show the
General and British public what he knows._)
_General._ "Now, sir, you now have the battalion in quarter
column facing south. How would you get into line, in the quickest
possible way, facing north-east?"
_Tompkins (after much fruitless consideration)._ "Well, sir, do you
know, that's always what I've wondered."
[_Report on subaltern officers--bad._
]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _First Miserable Sub (left at the depot)._ "I can't
think, for the life of me, what excuse for two days' leave I'm to give
the C. O. I've already weighed in with every one I can think of."
_Second M. S._ "Easy enough, old chap. Kill your grandmother."
_First M. S._ "Can't, dear boy. I'm keeping her for the Derby!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: "THE WAY WE HAD IN THE ARMY." (1877).
_Colonel (of the pre-examination period--to studious sub)._ "I say,
youngster, you'll never make a soldier if you don't mind what you're
about!"
_Sub (mildly)._ "I should be sorry to think that, sir!"
_Colonel._ "I saw you sneaking up the High Street yesterday, looking
like a Methodist parson in reduced circumstances!--Hold up your head,
sir! Buy a stick, sir! Slap your leg, sir! And stare at the girls at the
windows!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: "The 'orrid mess master made my kitching in, and hisself
too, a-cleaning that there dratted rifle, after he'd been a booviackin'
in the park!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: A DILEMMA.
_Auxiliary Recruit (to himself)._ "Murder! Murder! What'll I do now?
'Drill-sarjint tould me always to salute me officer with the far-off
hand, and here's two iv 'em! Faix, I'll make it straight for meself
anyhow!"
[_Throws up both hands._
]
* * * * *
[Illustration: "OFF!"
_Sergeant O'Leary._ "Double! Left! Right! What the blazes, Pat Rooney,
d'ye mane by not doublin' wid the squad?"
_Pat._ "Shure, sergeant, 'twasn't a fair start"!]
* * * * *
[Illustration: "LUCUS A NON," &c.
_(Aiming drill.)_
_Musketry Instructor._ "Now, then! How do you 'xpect to see the hobject
haimed at, if you don't keep your heye closed?"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: OUR MANOEUVRES.
_Captain of Skirmishers (rushing in to seize picket sentries of the
enemy)._ "Hullo! He-ar! You surrender to this company!"
_Opposition Lance-Corporal._ "Beg pardon, sir! It's the other way, sir.
We're a brigade, sir!!!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: MILITARY ARDOUR.
_Sentry (with mixed ideas of manual and platoon)._ "Gar'd t'n out!"
_Commandant._ "Bless you, sir, what are you about?"
_Sentry._ "Shure, I'm waitin' for the worr'd foire!"
[Extract from Field Exercise or Red Book, pocket edition, page
356:--_Sentries paying compliments:_ "To field officers he will
_present_ arms."
]
* * * * *
[Illustration: VOLUNTEER TACTICS AT OUR AUTUMN MANOEUVRES.
_Captain Wilkinson (excitedly, to Major Walker, of the firm of
Wilkinson, Walker, & Co., Auctioneers and Estate Agents)._ "Don't you
think we'd better bring our right wing round to attack the enemy's
flank, so as to prevent their occupying those empty houses we have to
let in Barker's Lane?"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: A POSER.
_Sergeant-Major._ "Now, Private Smith, you know very well none but
officers and non-commissioned officers are allowed to walk across this
grass!"
_Private Smith._ "But, sergeant-major, I've Captain Graham's verbal
orders to----"
_Sergeant-Major._ "None o' that, sir! Show me the captain's verbal
orders! Show'm to me, sir!!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: "FOLLOW MY LEADER!"
Captain Barble (East Suffolkshire R. V.) going to drill, has occasion to
pass a certain window for reasons best known to himself. A vague idea
possesses him that something is wrong somehow, or what should create
such amusement on this occasion!]
* * * * *