["In spite of the demand for recruits, the number of tramps remain,
undiminished."--_Daily Paper._]
Why does not patriotic fire
My all too torpid heart inspire
With irresistible desire
To seek the tented camp, sir,
Where Glory, with her bronze V.C.,
Waits for the brave, perhaps for me?
Because I much prefer to be
A lazy, idle tramp, sir.
I toil not, neither do I spin.
For me, the laggard days begin
Hours after all my kith and kin
Are weary with their labours;
The heat and burden of the day
They bear, poor fools, as best they may,
While I serenely smoke my clay
And pity my poor neighbours.
When Afric burns the trooper brown,
By leafy lanes I loiter down
Through Haslemere to Dorking town,
Each Surrey nook exploring;
Or 'neath a Berkshire hay-rick I
At listless length do love to lie,
And watch the river stealing by
Between the hills of Goring.
Why should I change these dear delights
For toilsome days and sleepless nights,
And red Bellona's bloody rites
That bear the devil's stamp, sir?
Let others hear the people cry
"A hero he!"--I care not, I,
So I may only live and die,
A lazy, idle tramp, sir.
* * * * *
[Illustration: AT A COUNTRY HOUSE.
"Well, my dear Admiral, and how did you sleep?"
"Not at all, General. Confounded butterfly flew in at the window, and
was flopping around all night--couldn't get a wink of sleep."
"Ah, dashed dangerous things, butterflies!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: "PRIVATES, BUT NOT FULL" (1875)
_First Driver (after a long day)._ "The 'orse 'rtillery's a-getting
quite aristercratic. It don't dine till eight o'clock!!"
_Second Driver._ "Stroikes me to-morrow the 'orse 'rtillery'll be too
aristercratic to dine at all!!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE ENEMY.
_Horrid Boy to newly-appointed Volunteer Major, (who finds the military
seat very awkward_). "Sit further back, General! You'll make his 'ead
ache!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: AUTUMN MANOEUVRES.
No, this is not heroism; this is simply discretion. Little Plumpleigh
has just given "Charge!" and taken one look behind to see if his men are
"backing him up, don't you know," and he is now making for safety!]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _War-office Genius._ "Now _this_ is another of my
brilliant ideas, the shelter trench exercise. Of course, I _know_ the
trench is the wrong way about, and that, when they have finished it,
they have to fire into the wood they are defending, and then turn about
and charge away from the wood, but, THEN! _we_ get a capital bank and
ditch made round our plantations, with practically _no_ expense!"
_Mr. Punch._ "And this is what you call instructing the Volunteers?"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _First Bluejacket._ "Well, matey, wot 'appened?"
_Second Bluejacket._ "Lieutenant, '_e_ reports as 'ow I were dirty, an'
my 'ammick weren't clean, an' captin, '_e_ ses, 'Wash 'is bloomin' neck,
scrub 'is bloomin' face, an' cut 'is bloomin' 'air, every ten
minnits!'"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Volunteer Captain (acting Major first time)._ "Now then!
What are you boys staring at? Did you never see a war-horse before?"
_Boys (who had followed expecting a "spill.")_ "Aye--we've whiles seen a
waur horse, but never a waur rider!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: AD VALOREM.
_(Energetic Sub has been pursuing runaway mule)._ "Well done, old chap!
You deserve the D.S.O. at least. What is it? Ammunition?" "Ammunition!
D.S.O.!! V.C., you mean!!!! Why, it's bottled beer!!!!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: MONEY "TIGHT."
_British Subaltern._ "By-the-by, Smith, can you lend me that sovereign I
gave you this morning for a Christmas-box?!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: OUR RESERVES.
_Captain of Rural Corps (calling over the roll)._ "George Hodge!" _(No
answer.)_ "George Hodge!--Where on earth's George Hodge?"
_Voice from the ranks._ "Please, sir, he's turned dissenter, and says
fighting's wicked."]
* * * * *