_Brown, Jones, and Robinson, discovered discussing the stats of the Navy
in a first-class compartment._
_Brown._ My dear fellows, I can assure you we are in a terrible
condition of unpreparedness. If France was to declare war to-morrow we
should be nowhere--absolutely nowhere!
_Jones._ You mean, of course, with Russia.
_Robinson._ Or was it Italy?
_Brown._ It doesn't matter which. I fancy that France alone could tackle
us. Why, a man was telling me the other day that if Gibraltar was
seized--as it might be--we should not get a ship-load of wood for
months--yes, for months!
_Jones._ But what has Gibraltar to do with it?
_Robinson._ Why, of course, it guards our approaches to the Suez Canal.
_Brown._ Oh, that's only a matter of detail. But what we want is a
hundred millions to be spent at once. Cobden said so, and I agree with
Cobden.
_Jones._ But upon what?
_Robinson._ Oh, in supporting the Sultan, and subsidising the Ameer.
_Brown._ I don't think that sort of thing is of much importance. But if
we had a hundred millions (as Mr. Cobden suggested), we might increase
our coaling stations, and build new ships, and double the navy, and do
all sorts of things.
_Jones._ But I thought we were fairly well off for coaling stations, had
lots of ships on the stocks, and, with the assistance of our merchant
marine, an ample supply of good sailors.
_Robinson._ That's what all you fellows say! But wait till we have a
war, then you will see the fallacy of all your arguments. No, we should
buy the entire fleet of the world. There should be no other competitor.
Britannia should _really_ rule the waves.
_Brown._ Yes, yes. Of course; but after all, that is not the important
matter. What we want is a hundred millions available to be spent on
anything and everything. And it's no use having further discussion
because that was Cobden's view of it, and so it is mine.
_Jones._ Where is it to come from--out of the rates?
_Brown and Robinson_ (_together_). Certainly not.
_Jones._ Or the taxes?
_Brown and Robinson_ (_as before_). Don't be absurd.
_Jones._ Well, it must come from somewhere! Can you tell me where?
_Robinson._ Why should we?
_Brown._ Yes, why should we? Even Cobden didn't go so far as that,
and----But, here we are at the station.
[_Invasion of porters, and end of the conversation._
* * * * *
[Illustration: EASTER MANOEUVRES.
_Extract from Private Letter.--April 1._
"I'm afraid Milly and I have put our respective feet in it this time. We
thought we would test our capacities at hospital work, and attach
ourselves to pa's regiment--of course, without telling pa--and were
getting along quite nicely with a soldier who wasn't very well, when we
met pa and the General and his regiment. They took away the patient, and
judging from pa's looks, there's a warm time coming."]
* * * * *
[Illustration: SUGGESTED HELMET FOR ARMY MOTORISTS
The new helmet as ordinarily | The same, as worn on
worn. | motor duty.
_Directions:_--Simply unhook the lower portion of the helmet; thereby
extending the collapsible weather-and dust-proof mask. Admirable also as
a disguise.]
* * * * *
[Illustration: FLAG WAGGING
_Sergeant of Signallers._ "What ai's Murphy to-day? He don't seem able
to take in a thing!"
_Private Mulvaney._ "Shall I signal to 'im, 'Will ye 'ave a drink?'?"
* * * * *
[Illustration: TU QUOQUE.
_Army Candidate._ "And I only muffed one thing in the geography paper.
Couldn't for the life of me think where the Straits of Macassar were!"
_Fond Father._ "Oh, I say, you ought to have known that. Fancy--the
Straits of Macassar!"
_Army Candidate._ "Well, I didn't, anyhow. By the way, where are they,
dad?"
_Fond Father._ "Oh--where are they? Oh--er--they're--well, they're----
but don't you think we'd better go to lunch?"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: A HORSE-MARINE
_Club Wag._ "Well, good-night, Admiral."
_Warrior._ "There's a stupid joke. Admiral! Can't you see my spurs?"
_Wag._ "Oh, I thought they were your twin screws."]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Sentry_ (_on the simultaneous approach of two persons_).
"Who goes there?--two ways at once!"]
* * * * *