Astonishing lot of nonsense the _Daily Wire_ prints about military
affairs ... no, I do _not_ waste my time reading it. Any intelligent
citizen, Mary, is bound to take an interest in things of this sort. And
our army is rotten, madam--rotten to the core.... What? That reminds
you, shall Tomkins be told to pick the apples? As you please--I'm not
talking about apples. Just consider these manoeuvres, and the plain
common-sense lessons they teach you. First of all, a force lands in
England without opposition. There's a pretty state of things!... No, I
didn't say they _had_ interfered with us--but just think of the
disgrace! Not one general, madam, not one single general capable of
defending this unhappy country. And yet it is to support these expensive
frauds that I have to pay taxes!... Well, if he calls again, tell him
that I will attend to the matter. There's the rent and rates to be seen
to first, and goodness knows, with your housekeeping and Ethel's dress
bills--but I was talking about the army.
Incompetent profligates, that's what the officers are. What sort of life
do they lead? Getting up late, playing polo and hunting, eating
luxurious dinners, bullying respectable young men and ducking them in
horse-ponds--there's a life for you.... What do you know _about_ it,
Miss Ethel?... Captain Ponsonby told you? You can tell _him_ something
then. Tell him that Britons of common-sense--like myself--don't mean to
stand the present way of going on much longer. Drastic changes.... No,
I'm not trying to break the table, Mary ... drastic changes are
absolutely necessary.
First of all, there must be a clean sweep at the War Office. Men of
brains and common-sense are wanted there. Then we must organise a great
army, to guard the coast all round England. The man who will not serve
his time as a militiaman or volunteer is not worthy of the name of
English-man, and the fruit.... I told you once about those apples, I do
wish you wouldn't interrupt.... If they are not picked to-day they'll
have to wait for three weeks? Why? Tomkins can pick them next time he
comes. As I was saying, the militia system must be developed, and--eh?
Tomkins won't be here for three weeks? Got to go into camp for his
training? Well, I call it perfectly disgraceful! Here I pay a man high
wages to attend to my garden once a week, and then this miserable system
takes him away, at the most inconvenient time, to play at soldiers!...
If I have time to-night, Mary, I shall write a strongish letter to the
_Daily Wire_ on the subject.
* * * * *
SCENE--_Barrack Square, after inspection of arms, at which the
Company's Commander has been examining his men's rifle-bores with
the aid of the little reflector which is commonly dropped into the
breach for this purpose._
_Private Atkins_ (_who has been checked for a dirty rifle_). 'Ere, it's
all bally fine! The orficer 'e comes an' looks down the barrel with a
bloomin' mikeroscope, and the privit soljer 'e 'as to clean 'is rifle
with 'is naked heye!
* * * * *
MOTTO FOR A BAZAAR IN AID OF MILITARY FUNDS.--"Oh, the wild charge they
made!"
* * * * *
[Illustration:
The illustrated papers oft with satisfaction grunt,
When they print a pleasing portrait of "our artist at the front."
Now here we have a picture of a sort we seem to lack.
Which is to say, a portrait of "Our artist at the back".]
* * * * *
[Illustration: OUR RESERVES.--_A.-D.-C_. "What the deuce are you men
doing here right in the line of fire? Clear out at once! They're firing
ball cartridge, not blank."
_Unmoved Private_ (_who has found an excellent place from which to view
the attack practice_). "Ther' now. We was just a-zaying as we thought
'twas bullets by the zound of 'em!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: UNRECORDED HISTORY.--A review of the Royal (Sub)marines
near the Goodwin Sands. (_You could hardly "tell the Marines" in their
new sub-aqueous uniform._)]
* * * * *