"About how I was in the passageway and saw you get into that space suit
and let yourself out the airlock, Mrs. Perkins. I don't believe that
constitutes being forced to leave against your will. Therefore, STAR
doesn't owe you a thing more than your passage, if that, and I want my
suite back." The actress smiled triumphantly.
"But, Miss Toujours, surely no one would believe such a fantastic story
like that."
Darling Toujours began to purr softly. "Captain Fogarty would. And now,
my dear, if you'll just leave, I won't have to have you put out. And
you can just take off my nice lace nightie to begin with!"
"Oh, my," said Grandma, sighing deeply but making no sign of moving.
"And I was so hoping that I wouldn't have to say anything about all
that business and cause you so much trouble."
Darling Toujours looked startled. Then a distrustful look came into her
eyes. "What are you talking about?" she demanded suspiciously.
"Why, on board that pirate ship I noticed that one of the men, Snake
Simpson, was wearing a picture of a very pretty girl. His wife, he
said, only she had run out on him many years ago. Of course, her hair
was blonde, and yours is black, and you seem to have done something to
your nose in the meantime, but I'd never mistake the mouth. So large
for your face, you know."
"Why, you little--" the younger woman began.
"I wouldn't tell anybody in the world about it. Unless, of course, you
made trouble, Mrs. Simp--I mean, Miss Toujours."
"Nobody in the world would believe you!" snapped the actress.
Grandma gave her a beneficent smile. "Carlton E. Carlton would. By the
way, my dear, I think I know now why you wear these nighties. But
one does feel so naked in them, if you know what I mean. And now, if
you'll please leave. This part of the ship is restricted to first class
passengers."
* * * * *
When the _Kismet_ landed at the New York spaceport many days later,
Grandma left the ship reluctantly, knowing that it marked the end
of a great adventure for her. In protest against this, she took the
little money she had with her and spent a full week of almost riotous
living on the town, visiting all the nightclubs and the dives, flirting
dangerously with men of 70 and 80, half her age, and almost getting
arrested six times.
But one bright morning, her funds exhausted, she was deposited bag and
baggage on the front lawn of Melissa Muir's Home for Elderly Ladies.
Grandma looked the place over dourly.
"Well, I guess there's nothing left for me to do now but retire from
active life and take up painting," Grandma said to herself. And picking
up some of her effects, she started up the walk. Close to the front
porch, however, two men stepped out from behind some shrubbery and
started towards her.
"Grandma!" one of them shouted. And it was only then that she
recognized Lamps and Snake, freshly shaven and with clean suits on.
"Why, Lamps O'Toole! And you, too, Snake! Whatever are you two doing at
this old boneyard?" she said, hugging each in turn.
"We come to see you, Grandma," Lamps told her, bashful as a boy asking
for his first date. "We had to put in to Earth for fuel, so we came by
to see how you was."
Snake Simpson, plainly embarrassed at her display of affection,
wriggled free from her bony embrace. "Yeah, Grandma, we come by to
bring you a message from Perfessor Spindle. He still don't know what
you did to the Suggestor Ray, but he says you're a real Icy Stein."
"You mean Einstein, Snake. That's very kind of the professor."
"And we brought you a little present to show you how much we appreciate
you getting us the pardons," Lamps told her, thrusting a small package
into her hands. "Don't go and open it until we leave, though."
Grandma Perkins felt a little flustered by all the attention she was
receiving. "Why, thank you very much, boys. I'm sure I'll like it."
The three of them stood quite still and quite silent for a moment or
two. Then Lamps said, "Well, I guess we ought to be going, Grandma.
It's been good seeing you, and take care of yourself."
"Yeah, bye," said Snake, holding out a grimy paw hoping to escape with
just a handshake. He did.
The two burly spacemen strode rapidly down the walk and climbed into
their aircar. Grandma stood transfixed until the little vehicle had
climbed far out of sight. Then she opened the present.
In the box she found a delicate bit of jewelry--a solid gold locket.
The medallion was shaped like a rocket ship, and along the side of it,
spelled out in tiny diamonds, was the name, _Dirty Shame_. Grandma
held it in her hands for a spell, then pulled out a bit of a lace
handkerchief and honked loudly.
Turning around, she surveyed her new home again. And she began to
think, which was always dangerous. Her conscience, catching the drift
of her thoughts, became alarmed.
"Now, Matilda Perkins, you wouldn't dare--" her conscience said to her.
"Oh, you shut up," she retorted. "But it would be awfully nice...."
* * * * *
The spaceship _Dirty Shame_ blasted off from the spaceport in a
blaze of fire and smoke. Lamps O'Toole and Snake Simpson were at the
controls, and neither of them was feeling much like talking. So, for
the most part as they pushed the buttons and turned the switches that
headed the ship out into space, they were quiet.
After a while Snake spoke up. "We're going to miss the old dame," he
ventured as they pulled dear of Earth's atmosphere.
"Keep your trap shut," growled Lamps.
"Yes, sir, if I just close my eyes, I can still see the old gal,
standing there at the micrafoam, giving that old Commodore the
business. And you standing next to her, your mouth hanging out a mile."
Lamps gave the ship more velocity than was necessary. "Mind your own
business, Snake."
"And I can hear them funny shoes of hers, clip clopping down the
corridor, bringing us a batch of fresh biscuits." Snake sat bolt
upright in his chair. "Lord a-massy, if I can't even smell them
biscuits right now!"
Lamps let out a curse. "Now, see what you done, Snake? You got me so
riled up I can smell 'em too."
Both of them stopped, sniffed long and hard, and then let out a whoop.
Throwing the _Dirty Shame_ into full automatic, they dashed for the
kitchen.
There, stooping over, peering into the oven, was a silver-haired,
little old lady.
"Grandma!" they yelled in unison. "What are you doing here!"
Giving them her richest smile, she said, "Well, boys, I didn't raise a
family of ten without knowing that hungry men need good, solid food. So
I...."
It took a while and it took some wile and some of the best of Grandma's
talking, but finally it was agreed by all hands that she would be
allowed to remain on board, at least until they could get her back to
Earth. And, in the end, the fresh batch of hot biscuits were probably
her best argument.
After dinner, just before she headed to her cabin to slip off into a
sound sleep, Lamps stopped her for one final question.
"Say, Grandma, I know this maybe sounds funny. But whatever in the
world did you do to that suppressor ray?"
"Whatever do you mean?" answered Grandma with great innocence.
"Well, Professor Spindle, he looked at it, cussed at it, pulled it
apart, said it couldn't possibly work, then all of a sudden he gave a
big laugh and packed the whole contraption off to his laboratory. And I
just wondered...."
Grandma Perkins snickered. "Lamps," she told him, "Promise me
faithfully you won't tell a soul?" Lamps nodded.
"Well, sir, you've got a great deal to learn about women. You see,
there just isn't anything made that a smart woman can't fix with a
hairpin."
And plopping one last biscuit into his mouth for him, she clip-clopped
down the corridor and off to bed.