I was born by the side of a rocky cave in the Peak of Derbyshire; before
I was born, my mother dreamed I should be an ostrich. I very early
showed a disposition to my present diet; instead of eating the pap
offered to me, I swallowed the spoon, which was of hard stone ware, made
in that country, and had the handle broken off. My coral served me in
the double capacity of a plaything and a sweetmeat; and as soon as I had
my teeth, I nibbled at every pan and mug that came within my reach, in
such a manner, that there was scarcely a whole piece of earthenware to
be found in the house. I constantly swallowed the flints out of the
tinder-box, and so deranged the economy of the family, that my mother
forced me to seek subsistence out of the house.
Hunger, they say, will break stone walls: this I experienced; for the
stone fences lay very temptingly in my way, and I made many a
comfortable breakfast on them. On one occasion, a farmer who had lost
some of his flock the night before, finding me early one morning
breaking his fences, would hardly be persuaded that I had no design upon
his mutton--I only meant to regale myself upon his wall.
When I went to school, I was a great favourite with the boys; for
whenever there was damson tart or cherry pie, I was well content to eat
all the stones, and leave them the fruit. I took the shell, and gave my
companions the oyster, and whoever will do so, I will venture to say,
will be well received through life. I must confess, however, that I made
great havock among the marbles, of which I swallowed as many as the
other boys did of sugar-plums. I have many a time given a stick of
barley-sugar for a delicious white alley; and it used to be the
diversion of the bigger boys to shake me, and hear them rattle in my
stomach. While I was there, I devoured the greatest part of a stone
chimney-piece, which had been in the school time out of mind, and borne
the memorials of many generations of scholars, all of which were more
swept away by my teeth, than those of time. I fell, also, upon a
collection of spars and pebbles, which my master’s daughter had got
together to make a grotto. For both these exploits I was severely
flogged. I continued, however, my usual diet, except that for a change I
sometimes ate Norfolk dumplins, which I found agree with me very well. I
have now continued this diet for thirty years, and do affirm it to be
the most cheap, wholesome, natural, and delicious of all food.
I suspect the Antediluvians were Lithophagi: this, at least, we are
certain of, that Saturn, who lived in the golden age, was a stone-eater!
We cannot but observe, that those people who live in fat rich soils are
gross and heavy; whereas those who inhabit rocky and barren countries,
where there is plenty of nothing but stones, are healthy, sprightly, and
vigorous. For my own part, I do not know that ever I was ill in my life,
except that once being over persuaded to venture on some Suffolk cheese,
it gave me a slight indigestion.
I am ready to eat flints, pebbles, marbles, freestone, granite, or any
other stones the curious may choose, with a good appetite and without
any deception. I am promised by a friend, a shirt and coarse frock of
the famous Asbestos, that my food and clothing may be suitable to each
other.
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