"When you've had anything to do you've done it, whatever it might cost
you."
I admitted that also. He looked round to see if there was anybody else
in the room (there was only the old doctor, who was leaning over the end
of the bed, watching the face of his colleague) and then said, in a low
voice:
"Has it ever happened that you have suffered from privation and hard
work and loss of sleep and bad lodgings and . . . and exposure?"
His great searching eyes seemed to be looking straight into my soul, and
I could not have lied to him if I had wished, so I told him a little
(just a little) about my life in London--at Bayswater, in the East End
and Ilford.
"And did you get wet sometimes, very wet, through all your clothes?" he
asked me.
I told him No, but suddenly remembering that during the cold days after
baby came (when I could not afford a fire) I had dried her napkins on my
body, I felt that I could not keep that fact from him.
"You dried baby's napkins on your own body?" he asked.
"Sometimes I did. Just for a while," I answered, feeling a little
ashamed, and my tears rising.
"Ah!" he said, and then turning to the old doctor, "What a mother will
do for her child, Conrad!"
The eyes of Doctor Conrad (which seemed to have become swollen) were
still fixed on the face of his colleague, and, speaking as if he had
forgotten that I was present with them in the room, he said:
"You think she's very ill, don't you?"
"We'll talk of that in your consulting-room," said the strange doctor.
Then, telling me to lie quiet and they would come back presently, he
went downstairs and Martin's father followed him.
Nurse came up while they were away (she had taken possession of me
during the last few days), and I asked her who were in the
parlour-kitchen.
"Only Father Donovan and Mrs. Conrad--and baby," she told me.
Then the doctors came back--the consultant first, trying to look
cheerful, and the old doctor last, with a slow step and his head down,
as if he had been a prisoner coming back to court to receive sentence.
"My lady," said the strange doctor, "you are a brave woman if ever there
was one, so we have decided to tell you the truth about your condition."
And then he told me.
I was not afraid. I will not say that I was not sorry. I could have
wished to live a little longer--especially now when (but for the
Commandment of God) love and happiness seemed to be within my grasp.
But oh, the relief! There was something sacred in it, something
supernatural. It was as if God Himself had come down to me in the
bewildering maze that was haunted by the footsteps of my fate and led me
out of it.
Yet why these poor weak words? They can mean so little to anybody except
a woman who has been what I was, and she can have no need of them.
All fear had vanished from my thoughts. I had no fear for myself, I
remembered, and none for baby. The only regret I felt was for Martin--he
loved me so; there had never been any other woman in the world for him.
After a moment I thanked the doctors and hoped I had not given them too
much trouble. Doctor Conrad seemed crushed into stupefaction and said
nothing; but the strange doctor tried to comfort me by saying there
would be no pain, and that my malady was of a kind that would probably
make no outward manifestation.
Being a woman to the end I was very glad of that, and then I asked him
if it would last long. He said No, not long, he feared, although
everything was in God's hands and nobody could say certainly.
I was saying I was glad of that too, when my quick ears caught a sound
of crying. It was Christian Ann, and Father Dan was hushing her. I knew
what was happening--the good souls were listening at the bottom of the
stairs.
My first impulse was to send nurse to say they were not to cry. Then I
had half a mind to laugh, so that they might hear me and know that what
I was going through was nothing. But finally I bethought me of Martin,
and asked that they might both be brought up, for I had something to
say to them.
After a moment they came into the room, Christian Ann in her simple pure
dress, and Father Dan in his shabby sack coat, both looking very
sorrowful, the sweet old children.
Then (my two dear friends standing together at the foot of the bed) I
told them what the doctor had said, and warned them that they were to
tell nobody else--nobody whatever, especially Martin.
"Leave _me_ to tell _him_," I said. "Do you faithfully promise me?"
I could see how difficult it was for them to keep back their tears, but
they gave me their word and that was all I wanted.
"My boy! My poor boy _veen!_ He's thinking there isn't another woman in
the world like her," said Christian Ann.
And then Father Dan said something about my mother extracting the same
promise concerning myself, when I was a child at school.
After that the Blackwater doctor stepped up to say good-bye.
"I leave you in good hands, but you must let me come to see you again
some day," he said, and then with a playful smile he added:
"They've got lots of angels up in heaven--we must try to keep some of
them on earth, you know."
That was on the fifth of July, old Midsummer Day, which is our national
day in Ellan, and flags were flying over many of the houses in the
village.