THE VAGABOND IN GREEN
As Milt had headed westward from Butte, as he rattled peacefully along
the road, conscious of golden haze over all the land, and the
unexpectedness of prairie threshing-crews on the sloping fields of
mountainsides, a man had stepped out from bushes beside the road, and
pointed a .44 navy revolver.
The man was not a movie bandit. He wore a green imitation of a Norfolk
jacket, he had a broad red smile, and as he flourished his hat in a bow,
his hair was a bristly pompadour of gray-streaked red that was almost
pink. He made oration:
"Pardon my eccentric greeting, brother of the open road, but I wanted
you to give ear to my obsequious query as to how's chances on gettin' a
lift? I have learned that obsequiousness is best appreciated when it is
backed up by prayer and ca'tridges."
"What's the idea? I seem to gather you'd like a lift. Jump in."
"You do not advocate the Ciceronian style, I take it," chuckled the man
as he climbed aboard.
Milt was not impressed. Claire might have been, but Milt had heard
politics and religion argued about the stove in Rauskukle's store too
often to be startled by polysyllabomania. He knew it was often the sign
of a man who has read too loosely and too much by himself. He snorted.
"Huh! What are you--newspaper, politics, law, preacher, or gambler?"
"Well, a little of all those interesting occupations. And
ten-twent-thirt trouping, and county-fair spieling, and selling Dr.
Thunder Rapids' Choctaw Herbal Sensitizer. How far y' going?"
"Seattle."
"Honest? Say, kid, this is---- Muh boy, we shall have the rare privilege
of pooling adventures as far as Blewett Pass, four to six days' run from
here--a day this side of Seattle. I'm going to my gold-mine there. I'll
split up on the grub--I note from your kit that you camp nights. Quite
all right, my boy. Pinky Parrott is no man to fear night air."
He patted Milt's shoulder with patronizing insolence. He filled a pipe
and, though the car was making twenty-five, he lighted the pipe with
distinguished ease, then settled down to his steady stride:
"In the pride of youth, you feel that you have thoroughly categorized
me, particularly since I am willing to admit that, though I shall have
abundance of the clinking iron men to buy my share of our chow, I chance
just for the leaden-footed second to lack the wherewithal to pay my
railroad fare back to Blewett; and the bumpers and side-door Pullman of
the argonauts like me not. Too damn dusty. But your analysis is
unsynthetic, though you will scarce grasp my paradoxical metaphor."
"The hell I won't. I've taken both chemistry and rhetoric," growled
Milt, strictly attending to driving, and to the desire to get rid of his
parasite.
"Oh! Oh, I see. Well, anyway: I am no mere nimble knight of wits, as you
may take it. In fact, I am lord of fair acres in Arcady."
"Don't know the burg. Montana or Idaho?"
"Neither! In the valley of dream!"
"Oh! That one. Huh!"
"But I happen to back them up with a perfectly undreamlike gold-mine.
Prospected for it in a canyon near Blewett Pass and found it, b' gum,
and my lady wife, erstwhile fairest among the society favorites of North
Yakima, now guards it against her consort's return. Straight goods. Got
the stuff. Been to Butte to get a raise on it, but the fell khedives of
commerce are jealous. They would hearken not. Gee, those birds certainly
did pull the frigid mitt! So I wend my way back to the demure Dolores,
the houri of my heart, and the next time I'll take a crack at the big
guns in Seattle. And I'll sure reward you for your generosity in taking
me to Blewett, all the long, long, languid, languorous way----"
"Too bad I got to stop couple of days at Spokane."
"Well, then you shall have the pleasure of taking me that far."
"And about a week in Kalispell!"
"'Twill discommode me, but 'pon honor, I like your honest simple face,
and I won't desert you. Besides! I know a guy in Kalispell, and I can
panhandle the sordid necessary chuck while I wait for you. Little you
know, my cockerel, how facile a brain your 'bus so lightly bears. When
I've cashed in on the mine, I'll take my rightful place among the
motored gentry. Not merely as actor and spieler, promoter and inventor
and soldier and daring journalist, have I played my role, but also I am
a mystic, an initiate, a clairaudient, a psychometrist, a Rosicrucian
adept, and profoundly psychic--in fact, my guide is Hermes Trismegistus
himself! I also hold a degree as doctor of mento-practic, and my studies
in astro-biochemistry----"
"Gonna stop. All off. Make little coffee," said Milt.
He did not desire coffee, and he did not desire to stop, but he did
desperately desire not to inflict Pinky Parrott upon the Boltwoods. It
was in his creed as a lover of motors never to refuse a ride to any one,
when he had room. He hoped to get around his creed by the hint implied
in stopping. Pinky's reaction to the hint was not encouraging:
"Why, you have a touch of the psychic's flare! I could do with coffee
myself. But don't trouble to make a fire. I'll do that. You drive--I do
the camp work. Not but that I probably drive better than you, if you
will permit me to say so. I used to do a bit of racing, before I took up
aviation."
"Huh! Aviation! What machine d'you fly?"
"Why, why--a biplane!"
"Huh! What kind of motor?"
"Why, a foreign one. The--the---- It was a French motor."
"Huh! What track you race on?"
"The---- Pardon me till I build a fire for our _al fresco_ collation,
and I my driving history will unfold."
But he didn't do either.
After he had brought seven twigs, one piece of sagebrush, and a six-inch
board, Pinky let Milt finish building the fire, while he told how much
he knew about the mysteries of ancient Egyptian priests.
Milt gave up hope that Pinky would become bored by waiting and tramp on.
After one hour of conversational deluge, he decided to let Pinky
drive--to make him admit that he couldn't. He was wrong. Pinky could
drive. He could not drive well, he wabbled in his steering, and he
killed the engine on a grade, but he showed something of the same
dashing idiocy that characterized his talk. It was Milt not Pinky, who
was afraid of their running off the road, and suggested resuming the
wheel.
Seven times that day Milt tried to lose him. Once he stopped without
excuse, and merely stared up at rocks overhanging the hollowed road.
Pinky was not embarrassed. He leaned back in the seat and sang two
Spanish love songs. Once Milt deliberately took a wrong road, up a
mountainside. They were lost, and took five hours getting back to the
highway. Pinky loved the thrill and--in a brief address lasting fifteen
minutes--he said so.
Milt tried to bore him by driving at seven miles an hour. Pinky
affectionately accepted this opportunity to study the strata of the
hills. When they camped, that night, Pinky loved him like a brother, and
was considering not stopping at Blewett Pass, to see his gold-mine and
Dolores the lady-wife, but going clear on to Seattle with his playmate.
The drafted host lay awake, and when Pinky awoke and delivered a few
well-chosen words on the subject of bird-song at dawn, Milt burst out:
"Pinky, I don't like to do it, but---- I've never refused a fellow a
lift, but I'm afraid you'll have to hike on by yourself, the rest of the
way."
Pinky sat up in his blankets. "Afraid of me, eh? You better be! I'm a
bad actor. I killed Dolores's husband, and took her along, see? I----"
"Are you trying to scare me, you poor four-flusher?" Milt's right hand
expanded, fingers arching, with the joyous tension of a man stretching.
"No. I'm just reading your thoughts. I'm telling you you're scared of
me! You think that if I went on, I might steal your car! You're afraid
because I'm so suave. You aren't used to smooth ducks. You don't dare to
let me stick with you, even for today! You're afraid I'd have your
mis'able car by tonight! You don't dare!"
"The hell I don't!" howled Milt. "If you think I'm afraid---- Just to
show you I'm not, I'll let you go on today!"
"That's sense, my boy. It would be a shame for two such born companions
of the road to part!" Pinky had soared up from his blankets; was
lovingly shaking Milt's hand.
Milt knew that he had been tricked, but he felt hopeless. Was it
impossible to insult Pinky? He tried again:
"I'll be frank with you. You're the worst wind-jamming liar I ever met.
Now don't reach for that gat of yours. I've got a hefty rock right here
handy."
"But, my dear, dear boy, I don't intend to reach for any crude lethal
smoke-wagon. Besides, there isn't anything in it. I hocked the shells in
Butte. I am not angry, merely grieved. We'll argue this out as we have
breakfast and drive on. I can prove to you that, though occasionally I
let my fancy color mere untutored fact with the pigments of a Robert J.
Ingersoll---- By the way, do you know his spiel on whisky?"
"Stick to the subject. We'll finish our arguing right now, and I'll
give you breakfast, and we'll sadly part."
"Merely because I am lighter of spirits than this lugubrious old world?
No! I decline to be dropped. I'll forgive you and go on with you. Mind
you, I am sensitive. I will not intrude where I am not welcome. Only you
must give me a sounder reason than my diverting conversational powers
for shucking me. My logic is even stronger than my hedonistic contempt
for hitting the pike."
"Well, hang it, if you must know---- Hate to say it, but I'd do almost
anything to get rid of you. Fact is, I've been sort of touring with a
lady and her father, and you would be in the way!"
"Aaaaaaah! You see! Why, my boy, I will not only stick, but for you, I
shall do the nimble John Alden and win the lady fair. I will so bedizen
your virile, though somewhat crassly practical gifts---- Why, women are
my long suit. They fall for----"
"Tut, tut, tut! You're a fool. She's no beanery mistress, like you're
used to. She really is a lady."
"How blind you are, cruel friend. You do not even see that whatever my
vices may be, my social standing----"
"Oh--shut--up! Can't you see I'm trying to be kind to you? Have I simply
got to beat you up before you begin to suspect you aren't welcome? Your
social standing isn't even in the telephone book. And your
vocabulary---- You let too many 'kids' slip in among the juicy words.
Have I got to lick----"
"Well. You're right. I'm a fliv. Shake hands, m' boy, and no hard
feelings."
"Good. Then I can drive on nice and alone, without having to pound your
ears off?"
"Certainly. That is--we'll compromise. You take me on just a few miles,
into more settled country, and I'll leave you."
So it chanced that Milt was still inescapably accompanied by Mr. Pinky
Parrott, that evening, when he saw Claire's Gomez standing in the yard
at Barmberry's and pulled up.
Pinky had voluntarily promised not to use his eloquence on Claire, nor
to try to borrow money from Mr. Boltwood. Without ever having quite won
permission to stay, he had stayed. He had also carried out his promise
to buy his half of the provisions by adding a five-cent bag of lemon
drops to Milt's bacon and bread.
When they had stopped, Milt warned, "There's their machine now. Seems to
be kind of a hotel here. I'm going in and say howdy. Good-by, Pink. Glad
to have met you, but I expect you to be gone when I come out here again.
If you aren't---- Want granite or marble for the headstone? I mean it,
now!"
"I quite understand, my lad. I admire your chivalric delicacy. Farewell,
old _compagnon de voyage_!"
Milt inquired of Mr. Barmberry whether the Boltwoods were within, and
burst into the parlor-living-room-library. As he cried to Claire, by the
fire, "Thought I'd never catch up with you," he was conscious that
standing up, talking to Mr. Boltwood, was an old-young man, very suave,
very unfriendly of eye. He had an Oxford-gray suit, unwrinkled cordovan
shoes; a pert, insultingly well-tied blue bow tie, and a superior narrow
pink bald spot. As he heard Jeff Saxton murmur, "Ah. Mr. Daggett!" Milt
felt the luxury in the room--the fleecy robe over Claire's shoulders,
the silver box of candy by her elbow, the smell of expensive cigars, and
the portly complacence of Mr. Boltwood.
"Have you had any dinner?" Claire was asking, when a voice boomed, "Let
me introduce myself as Westlake Parrott."
Jeff abruptly took charge. He faced Pinky and demanded, "I beg pardon!"
Claire's eyebrows asked questions of Milt.
"This is a fellow I gave a lift to. Miner--I mean actor--well, kind of
spiritualistic medium----"
Mr. Boltwood, with the geniality of dinner and cigar, soothed, "Jeff,
uh, Daggett here has saved our lives two distinct times, and given us a
great deal of help. He is a motor expert. He has always refused to let
us do anything in return but---- I noticed there was almost a whole
fried chicken left. I wonder if he wouldn't share it with, uh, with his
acquaintance here before--before they make camp for the night?"
In civil and vicious tones Jeff began, "Very glad to reward any one who
has been of service to----"
He was drowned out by Pinky's effusive, "True hospitality is a virtue as
delicate as it is rare. We accept your invitation. In fact I should be
glad to have one of those cigarros elegantos that mine olfactory----"
Milt cut in abruptly, "Pink! Shut up! Thanks, folks, but we'll go on.
Just wanted to see if you had got in safe. See you tomorrow, some
place."
Claire was close to Milt, her fingers on his sleeve. "Please, Milt!
Father! You didn't make your introduction very complete. You failed to
tell Mr. Daggett that this is Mr. Saxton, a friend of ours in Brooklyn.
Please, Milt, do stay and have dinner. I won't let you go on hungry. And
I want you to know Jeff--Mr. Saxton.... Jeff, Mr. Daggett is an
engineer, that is, in a way. He's going to take an engineering course in
the University of Washington. Some day I shall make you bloated copper
magnates become interested in him.... Mrs. Barmberry. Mrssssssss.
Barrrrrrrmberrrrrry! Oh. Oh, Mrs. Barmberry, won't you please warm up
that other chicken for----"
"Oh, now, that's too bad. Me and Jim have et it all up!" wept the
landlady, at the door.
"I'll go on," stammered Milt.
Jeff looked at him expressionlessly.
"You will not go on!" Claire was insisting. "Mrs. Barmberry, won't you
cook some eggs or steak or something for these boys?"
"Perhaps," Jeff suggested, "they'd rather make their own dinner by a
campfire. Must be very jolly, and that sort of thing."
"Jeff, if you don't mind, this is my party, just for the moment!"
"Quite right. Sorry!"
"Milt, you sit here by the fire and get warm. I'm not going to be robbed
of the egotistic pleasure of being hospitable. Everybody look happy
now!"
She got them all seated--all but Pinky. He had long since seated
himself, by the fire, in Claire's chair, and he was smoking a cigar from
the box which Jeff had brought for Mr. Boltwood.
Milt sat farthest from the fire, by the dining-table. He was agonizing,
"This Jeff person is the real thing. He's no Percy in riding-breeches.
He's used to society and nastiness. If he looks at me once more--young
garage man found froze stiff, near Flathead Lake, scared look in eyes,
believed to have met a grizzly, no signs of vi'lence. And I thought I
could learn to mingle with Claire's own crowd! I wish I was out in the
bug. I wonder if I can't escape?"