"Bought me a smoking-jacket, a meerschaum pipe and three boxes of
Havanas. And, my boy," he added, "I've quit drinking. She's so good that
I'm going to see all I can of her in my lifetime, for we'll keep house
separately in the next world."
I guess he's right, for they'll certainly feel called upon to build a
special alcove in heaven when she reaches there.
Your snappy observation that the poorest men on earth are the relations
of millionaires strikes me in a very sensitive spot. I realize its
truth, and I can assure you that if something is not done speedily to
decrease the discrepancy between my income and my outgo, there will be a
sensational story for the newspapers, with cuts--cuts of you and me,
with possibly a picture of the hog plant thrown in for decorative
purposes. If you think this would be a good ad., I'll play the cards as
they lay. If not, please see to it that my expense accounts are accepted
more in the spirit in which they are made.
My ex-guardian, the sheriff, has given me many pointers on how to escape
the debt trap--it was after I settled his particular claim--but I don't
think you'd care to have me get a reputation as a shirker of
obligations. Sometimes, though, the escapes from the clutches of the law
are very amusing. The sheriff tells of a good one that happened recently
in Indianapolis. It seems that a young spendthrift was arrested for debt
on the very day he was to be married to a wealthy widow. Knowledge of
his plight would put an end to his expectations in this direction, and
he was at his wits' ends as the two officers escorted him along the
street.
In front of the City Hall a carriage was standing and as they approached
the mayor of the city entered it and conversed for a moment through the
window with a friend.
Mr. Spendthrift had an inspiration and said to the officers: "You know
that gentleman who got into that carriage?"
"Yes," said one of them, "It's Mayor B----."
"Well, he's my uncle, and if I ask him he'll see me out of this thing.
You'll take his guarantee, of course."
The deputies thought it would be satisfactory and when they reached the
carriage the men hung back. The young man took off his hat and put his
head into the carriage window just as it was about to start.
"I beg your pardon, Mr. Mayor," he said, "but there are two men with me
who have influence in the seventh ward. They say they'll be glad to work
for you at the election next week if you'll give them any
encouragement."
"Very well," said the mayor, "bring them here."
The spendthrift beckoned to the deputies and they approached. The mayor
looked them over and said: "Come around to my office at 5 o'clock this
afternoon and I'll fix up this matter." Then he drove off and the
spendthrift borrowed half a dollar of one of the deputies, went and got
shaved and then married.
I simply mention this to illustrate to what extremities an appetite for
truffles and mushrooms may lead a young man whose pocket money
prescribes cheese sandwiches and spinach. For the honor of the name I
must not be permitted to be set down as deficient in credit. This really
_must_ appeal to you. As you say, a man must not overwork a dollar, and
the thirty of them I am now receiving per week get fatigued to a
standstill within twenty-four hours after I make their acquaintance.
Yours in trust,
P.
P.S. I would respectfully suggest that you do not show this letter to
mother. The story of Bill Jenk's wife might not appeal to her.
[Illustration: _The Son's Society Girl._]
LETTER No. XV.
_The oddities and humors of railroad travels appeal so strongly to
Pierrepont that he writes his father of them, as well as of a
breach-of-promise suit._